How Soon Is To Soon?

Buttonz · #1 11-21-2005, 02:15 PM

The boy & I broke up two months ago after 15 1/2 months.

We are still friends, and we've talked about giving it a try again after we broke up.

Two months later, when I see him (which isn't to often with me up in RI for school) we act like we are going out, except no L word. Everything, including the kissing and all. He hasn't been with anyone since me in any way. I wound up spending the night by him Thursday night after we saw Harry Potter, and the way he held me all night and when he hugged me before I left was like he never wanted to let me go.

I want to give it another try, and I am pretty sure he wants to, but I don't know how to judge if he is ready or not. I'm hoping to see him one more time before I leave for school. If he doesn't mention anything, should I? Or is it still to soon and I should give him more time?

sugar and spice · #2 11-21-2005, 02:31 PM

Who broke up with whom?

Honestly, if he broke up with you, I would be very careful about bringing up the subject. He is getting everything he could possibly want from you right now and he's not obligated to give up his freedom. What incentive does he have to change the relationship?

If you broke up with him, it will probably be easier to just ask him, "So what's going on with us?" Honestly, I think you're making it more complicated than it needs to be. Your relationship is already kind of in a strange and awkward place so why should you worry about making it more so?

But you may be asking the wrong girl here, since I tend to be very anti-ex sex as a whole.

Buttonz · #3 11-21-2005, 02:36 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by sugar and spice

But you may be asking the wrong girl here, since I tend to be very anti-ex sex as a whole.

I didn't want to sleep with him unless we were back together, but it happened before the moive...and I still wound up spending the ngiht and most of hte next day by him with nothing happening.

He broke up with me...but I was telling him for months that we needed it to get our lives back on track and our stuff together, I just was never able to actually go through with it.

AlphaFrog · #4 11-21-2005, 02:45 PM

What is your motivation in this? Are you emotionally needing to know that he's commited to you if you are going to "give it another try"? It sounds like you're doing ok right now without having to "define" your relationship. If he's not been getting involved with anyone else, then does it matter that he's not your official boyfriend? And if he does get invovled with someone else, then he's obviously feeling something different then you are right now. Did he give you a reason for ending it?

Buttonz · #5 11-21-2005, 02:50 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by AlphaFrog
Did he give you a reason for ending it?

The fact that he needed to get his life together and he wanted me to have the chance to do it also...both something that we have done.

I don't need the offical title, but it would be nice to be able to tell him that I love him, something that I haven't done, and to hear it back. He has admitted that he loves me since we broke up and that he misses me...which was easy to see on the way he acted when I saw him since I've been home for Thanksgiving (I got in Thursday afternoon).

33girl · #6 11-21-2005, 03:19 PM

Maybe he was just turned on by Harry Potter.

Sorry, I couldn't resist

Unless the issues that led to the breakup have been resolved, or if you're willing to put more time into the relationship to get them resolved, don't do it. (Can you tell I've told myself this a couple times?)

Buttonz · #7 11-21-2005, 03:25 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by 33girl
Maybe he was just turned on by Harry Potter.

Sorry, I couldn't resist

Unless the issues that led to the breakup have been resolved, or if you're willing to put more time into the relationship to get them resolved, don't do it. (Can you tell I've told myself this a couple times?)

Not everything, but a lot of the stuff has been resolved. And yes, I'm willing to change the stuff that needed to be changed on my part. I just don't know if I should mention something to him or wait a little longer and see if he mentions it to me.

texas*princess · #8 11-21-2005, 08:06 PM

The guy needs to be willing to change too because if he's not, then it's a one-way street and that is no good!

I've found that usually when I ask others for advice, I pretty much know what I am going to do, but I like to poll my friends to see what they think I should do even though I may or may not (usually it's may not!

) actually listen to anyone. I usually wait for the ONE person to say "you should ask him" because that's validating what I wanted to do in the first place and I go ahead and do it.

So if you're weird like me, (some part of me can sense that you probably want to ask him anyway, otherwise you probably wouldn't have asked anyone if you should ask him) and you decide to go ahead and ask him, be prepared for the worst case scenario if he rejects the idea of giving it another try right now. That will hurt. And it might hurt even more because ya'll had a little *ahem* fun time recently.

There is the possiblity that he may say "yes! let's give it another try! i love you and miss you so much and i want this to work out!", but you might never know unless you decide to ask.

Furthermore, I think you should probably wait a little while. While you two have been friends has he actively sought your company or tried to talk to you? If you're the only one doing the "pursuing" that might give you a hint on what he could possibly say.

I don't know what "getting his life together" meant to him, but I would think it has different meanings for different guys. If you were to ask some of our ... gentlemen (

) on GC what that meant to them, they will likely say different things. SO unless he meant finishing college, getting a job, moving out on his own types of "getting his life together" or you know the specifics, it might mean he wanted some time apart just because.

Buttonz · #9 11-21-2005, 08:52 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by texas*princess

I've found that usually when I ask others for advice, I pretty much know what I am going to do, but I like to poll my friends to see what they think I should do even though I may or may not (usually it's may not! ) actually listen to anyone. I usually wait for the ONE person to say "you should ask him" because that's validating what I wanted to do in the first place and I go ahead and do it.

I don't know what "getting his life together" meant to him, but I would think it has different meanings for different guys. If you were to ask some of our ... gentlemen ( ) on GC what that meant to them, they will likely say different things. SO unless he meant finishing college, getting a job, moving out on his own types of "getting his life together" or you know the specifics, it might mean he wanted some time apart just because.

I'm like that also. I know I want to, but I am afraid that if it does turn out that he isn't ready, that it will hurt me. I think that if he doesn't say anything to me I'm going to wait until the end of Dec when I'm home and say something then.

He's out on his own, and pays his own bills and most of his rent. I know he wanted to focus on that and getting out of school, due to many things he is first finishing up his AS this semster, and then going to work before he goes on for anything more. Thankfully, he can do that with his degree.

Both of us have done the talking, the calling, the admitting of missing each other, etc. which is why it's so hard sometimes because I know he has feelings still for me.

AGDee · #10 11-21-2005, 10:59 PM

I'm missing why a person would have to be single to finish school and get a job. Don't millions of couples meet in college, stay together until they finish and then marry after graduating and getting jobs? Having some years of experience behind me, I'd have to say that finishing college and getting that first job, while an adjustment, is NOTHING compared to getting married and becoming a parent. Some people even get married and one spouse helps the other one through school. In a healthy relationship, two people help each other grow and support them in accomplishing their goals. I don't see how having a significant other would inhibit that.

Buttonz · #11 11-22-2005, 12:01 AM

AGDee, while I see where your coming from, there are times that people need there space...and it was something that we both needed to get certain things done.