Married GCers -- who else hates their in-laws?

[dzrose93]

With just 19 days to go before the wedding, I'm to the point where I would cheerfully strangle my fiance's father and brother if only I had someone to help me hide the bodies.

Anyone else feel this way about their in-laws?

[Sistermadly]

Aw, I'm sorry dzrose. I totally love my in-laws, even though we're as different as different can be. Hopefully you'll be able to find some common ground with yours, but in case you don't, learn to smile and be polite. (just kidding)

[dzrose93]

Thanks, Sistermadly. Unfortunately, I don't think there will ever be any common ground between us. The latest issue is that my fiance and I were just guilt-tripped into housing his uncle yesterday. The man has been homeless for the past ten years in California, and my future father-in-law (FFIL) and brother-in-law (FBIL) suddenly decided about 2 months ago that they wanted to find him and help him out. So, FFIL made some phone calls and located him, brought him out here to Georgia, and then told my fiance and me that we needed to house him! (And insisted that we pay for half of the guy's plane ticket out here.)

At first, we said heck no to him moving in because we're about to be newlyweds and want our privacy -- plus the man has tons of health problems and no job, which means we'd most likely be footing the bills for him. So, FFIL has had him staying at his house (4 houses down from ours) for the past month. However, he's been out of town most of the time visiting his girlfriend in Cleveland, Ohio, so we've been the ones buying groceries for the uncle and taking him to the hospital in the middle of the night for his health problems when they flare up.

Then, over the weekend, FFIL informed us that he's moving back to Cleveland next month to live with his new girlfriend, and that the uncle will need a new place to stay. FBIL, a worthless piece of $@&* who just spent $400 on a new puppy for his girlfriend although he's 2 months behind in child support for his 3 kids, says that he can't do anything to help his uncle right now because he needs to "think about me" for a change. He told the uncle, "Mr. dzrose can take you in, he's got plenty of room."

So, we get a phone call yesterday from FFIL, asking us to walk down to his house for a "Family Meeting" where we were basically told that it is our "duty" to take care of this uncle for an undetermined amount of time. My fiance felt so guilty that he agreed! So, I'm now going to be coming home from our honeymoon to a roommate.

[ilovemyglo]

If your finace lets his family do this to him now, and to you, then they are showing a total lack of respect for you as his future wife, for one, and for two, your fiance will let them do this the rest of your lives.

If the thought of this lazy bum living with you is that unbearable then by all means tell your fiance you cannot accept the conditions. I am not saying make him chose between his family and you, but this was his family's decision to bring him out to Georgia and "take care of him" not you and your fiancee so if they want him there, it is their responsibility. I understand he is family, but why all of the sudden is this the "right thing" to do? and why you two?

I am sorry, if it were me I would have to tell my fiance, if he stays I go.
And if he wants to be there so bad, then he needs to get a job and contribute!

[AlphaGam1019]

[dzrose93]

My fiance feels guilty because he thinks that it's his fault that his uncle is here in the first place. Apparently, he mentioned to his dad a while back that it would be nice if his uncle could attend the wedding. This is what prompted his father to look for his uncle in California -- and his brother immediately jumped on the bandwagon with a lot of "he's family and it's our job to help him" rhetoric.

So, I think the reason that my fiance agreed to it is that he feels as if he's the reason that the uncle is here now.

(The uncle is a very nice man, by the way. He made some poor decisions earlier in his life which led to where he is today, but I really do get the impression that he's trying hard to start over. I just worry that his health problems will prevent him from keeping any job that he gets, and that he won't ever be able to get by on his own steam.)

[btb87]

Ya know, I'm not one to give out advice (which is why I'm sitting here at work typing this out to you!) but this is really a crappy way to start out a marriage.

And as long as I'm not giving out advice which you never asked me for personally, you really need to talk with your soon to be husband and let him know that you two are not responsible for the uncle. I sympathize with him being homeless for 10 years, but why all of a sudden do you have to deal with it? It's hard enough living with a spouse and trying to get to know them, much less housing every family member that comes along. Don't know if it's too late to do so, but you really need to NOT take in this uncle. He's not your responsibility, he's not your FFIL's responsibility. And if your husband doesn't put his foot down, you may have to do so, which could cause resentment toward him on your part.

Okay, enough of the free advice. . . just not a good way to start out a marriage. Who knows - this is probably the first of FFIL's manipulative acts. If he "gets away" with this, then I'm sure he'll feel like he can dump anything on the both of you. Tell the future hubby to get a stiffer backbone (and I hope it doesn't sound like I'm calling him a name, but this kinda confrontation is hard to do sometimes) and stand up to the old man and adopt Nancy Reagan's slogan: JUST SAY NO!

[mullet81]

I completely agree with ilovemyglo.

What the FFIL did was uncalled for. He had no right to invite someone into your home, especially since it's HIS brother. I would put my foot down on this one. As newlyweds youre going to want your privacy.

[33girl]

Good Grief!!!

What on earth makes your fiancee's fam think that the two of you can take care of someone who's been living on the streets for 10 years? Do either of you have any sort of psychiatric or behavioral degree?

He'll never get back on his feet if his father and brother do nothing other than plop him in his nephew's house. If your fiancee really wants to help him, get him to some sort of organization that deals with the "recovering homeless" (for lack of a better term) who can help him find a job and his own place, TODAY!!

It is not your job to parent a grown man.

[MereMere21]

you are not alone!

My FIL is great - he is just like my husband, laid back! My MIL is satan. She is best friend's with my husband's ex, she stirs shit up and then talks behind everyone's back, when I first got pregnant with my little boy and my then boyfriend and I were discussing our options - she threatening to take me to court and sue for custody of the then embryo, she is a stereotypical bible beating small east Texas town woman, she bitches about never seeing us but won't even get her ass out of her recliner when we DO make the 2 hour trip with an infant to come see her, when we told her we were building a house - her 1st response was "oh good then (your 18 year old brother) will have somewhere to stay!" , My husband spent 3 years of hard work and training to get his Firefighter job and not once have I ever heard her say "we are proud of you" or "congratulations", she sits on her ass all day and then bitches about her back hurting, she lights up around me and my son even though I have told her over and over again to put it out, ooohhh the list goes on and on!

My dear, if y'all aren't even married yet and they are walking all over you, it is only going to get WORSE! Believe me! Put your foot down now or regret it later. By the way, its nice to know I'm not the only one that hates my in laws

[Nikki_DZ]

*raises her hand*

Well, HATE is a strong word. Uncomfortable is probably more appropriate. I'm getting married in 5 days, and I can't say I'm looking forward to the wedding in the slightest. We tried to keep it as small as possible, and, unfortunately, that meant only inviting immediate family. FFIL is one of 12 kids (10 or 11 of whom survive) so inviting all FH's aunts and uncles would have broken the bank, not counting all their kids, and THEIR kids. FFIL doesn't care much for this idea, though he would never come right out and say it. He hints around about it. His suggestion? That we should get wedding announcements (which we had planned to do) and send them out BEFORE the wedding, so "maybe people who weren't invited can still make it." Hello? We can't afford them to be there-that's why they weren't invited! I have a sneaking suspicion that he shows up with some of his siblings.

And FBIL...Ugh! Stereotypical philosophy major. Knows NOTHING about the "real world". He sits around all day quoting textbooks and talking about mathematical equations that the atmosphere is spherical. WTF? He goes out of his way to make off-hand remarks about me, and to make me feel stupid.

And don't even get me started on the "Worst Man".

Carrie, I'm sorry to hear what's going on. You two just can't catch a break with his family. Have you considered calling social services, or Salvation Army and setting the uncle up with a caseworker? They could help him locate a job and a place to live. You two shouldn't be stuck with him.

And as far as FFIL and FBIL-what pigs. I'm sending good thoughts your way, and BAD, BAD thoughts their way!

[AOIIBrandi]

Not the best situation to be in. I half agree with ilovemyglo, but I can understand so close to the wedding that those thoughts can be a little difficult. I think someone should sit down with FFIL & FBIL and in no uncertain terms tell them what's what.

Are ya'll the only family left after the two "losers"? If so - have you looked into an assistance program? Maybe they have a halfway house or something that could be of more assistance to the Uncle than ya'll could be. With all the health problems you have suggested maybe even an assisted living facility? He probably qualifies under medicaid or medicare as you have told us that he was homeless meaning he has no assets.

[dzrose93]

Thanks for all the words of encouragement and advice, y'all. To answer a few questions...

I offered to look into assistance programs for the uncle, because I honestly don't think that we can give him the kind of help that he needs. When I suggested it, the family balked. I was basically told that putting him into an assistance program is like telling him that "he's not our problem" and that we would be "throwing him away."

The other option was for FBIL and the uncle to rent an apartment together once the uncle starts a job. The agreement would be that if the uncle couldn't pay the rent/utilities, that my fiance would pay them. However, I put my foot down and said that there was no way that we would be held financially responsible for someone else's home and bills. We simply can't afford that.
The moving in option was the other alternative. Neither of the ideas are good, but this seemed like the "lesser of two evils."

[aephi alum]

Oh.
My.
GAWD.



That's just NOT right. I rag on my MIL all the time, but even she wouldn't pull a stunt like that!

I think you and Mr. dzrose need to have a chat. Yes, he got his arm twisted, but a decision like that should have been made by the both of you together.

Then, the two of you need to go to your FFIL and FBIL and tell them in no uncertain terms that NO, you can't do it and NO, they cannot walk all over you. Putting the uncle up will set a very dangerous precedent in your marriage and in your relationship with his family. You need to present a united front - don't let Mr. dzrose say "We've decided not to house Uncle Joe because dzrose said she didn't want to" - it has to be clear that this is a decision the two of you have made together.

Good luck.

ETA: They say putting him in an assistance program would be "throwing him away" but they're more than happy to foist him off on you?? Nice.

[KillarneyRose]

C-
You've gotten some great advice so far; I sent you a PM

T