Guy joke of the day--Not for the teary eyed Girl!
In honor of the good humor joke thread about men, here is a good humor joke thread about the ladies...
What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man? Answer: "Lazy."
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Why is it called PMS? -- Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken
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To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
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I have a frog in the back
A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog."
"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."
The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be
bothered by her husband that night.
She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks.
"What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"
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Girl comes in for a Checkup
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
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Tongue Twister
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"
So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." "She socked me one."
The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too."
"I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Corn Flakes, but I accidentally said: You ruined my life, you lousy bitch.''
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Understanding a Woman
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You want REALLY MEANS You want
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We need REALLY MEANS I want
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It's your decision REALLY MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now.
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Do what you want REALLY MEANS You'll pay for this later.
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We need to talk REALLY MEANS I need to complain
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Sure... go ahead REALLY MEANS I don't want you to.
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I'm not upset REALLY MEANS Of course I'm upset, you moron!
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You're ... so manly REALLY MEANS You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
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You're certainly attentive tonight. REALLY MEANS Is sex all you ever think about?
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I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! REALLY MEANS I'm on my period.
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Be romantic, turn out the lights. REALLY MEANS I'm Embarrassed
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This kitchen is so inconvenient REALLY MEANS I want a new house.
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You have to learn to communicate. REALLY MEANS Just agree with me.
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Yes REALLY MEANS No | No REALLY MEANS No | Maybe REALLY MEANS No
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Hang the picture there REALLY MEANS NO, I mean hang it there!
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I heard a noise REALLY MEANS I noticed you were almost asleep.
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Do you love me? REALLY MEANS I'm going to ask for something expensive.
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How much do you love me? REALLY MEANS I did something today you're really not going to like.
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I'll be ready in a minute. REALLY MEANS Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
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Am I a little fat? REALLY MEANS Tell me I'm beautiful.
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I'm sorry. REALLY MEANS You'll be sorry.
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Do you like this recipe? REALLY MEANS It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
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Was that the baby? REALLY MEANS Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
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I'm not yelling! REALLY MEANS Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
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All we're going to buy is a soap dish REALLY MEANS It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, and those lavender sheets would look great in the bedroom Did you bring your checkbook?
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Why Beer Is Better Than Women
You can enjoy a beer all month long.
Beer stains wash out.
You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play ball.
If your beer is flat, you can toss it out.
Beer is never late.
A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
A hangover will go away.
Beer labels come off without a fight.
When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
A beer never has a headache.
A beer will never nag you.
A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.
If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
A beer always goes down easy.
You can share a beer with friends.
You always know if you're the first one to pop a beer.
A beer is always wet.
A beer doesn't demand equality.
You can have a beer in public.
A beer doesn't care what time you come home.
A frigid beer is a good beer.
You don't have to wash a beer for it to taste good.
If you decide to change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
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The Rules
The female always makes the rules.
The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
No male can possibly know all the rules.
If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all the rules.
The female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
The female can change her mind at any given point in time for any reason.
The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.
The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
The female must not, under any circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
Any attempt by the male to document these rules could result in severe bodily harm.
If the female has PMS, all rules are null and void
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