How do you stay friends???

AXJules · #1 09-20-2003, 09:12 PM

Ok I'm sure there's like a thousand threads on this but I don't really care, I want ppl on the board now (new and old) to give input....
My heart is in 4400 pieces. The bf and I broke up today after a year and 9 months. For those of you who broke up under amicable circumstances, how do you stay friends if that really is what you both want????

He's my first relationship, first love, first everything. When I'm 80 I will still be in love with this guy. Unfortunately, his depression has destroyed our relationship and I can't do that to myself anymore.

I guess I'm confused b/c a) what are the rules? How often do you talk? Hang out?? I've never broken up with anyone before, let alone someone important
and 2) I don't want to desert him, he really needs ppl in his life right now if he's going to get help....but I'm afraid if I stay too close it will be too hard...

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh--any help for my pathetic ass would be greatly appreciated....

angelic1 · #2 09-20-2003, 11:59 PM

This is hard bc it depends on how things ended... and if the other person wants to be friends still..

Its hard to say bc if you were the one who broke up with him.. calling him could make him think that you could get back together if thats what he wants.. lead him on.. etc. Though sometimes its good to keep talking bc then i always find that even if the conversations die off its not strange to talk occassionally..

most of my longer relationships have ended ok.. we dont hang out all the time, but we do talk and catch up everyonce in a while.. which is good bc i dont ever want to leave things bad (not that really any of them have ended that way)...

pinkyphimu · #3 09-21-2003, 12:06 AM

i am sorry to hear about your break up!! my ex and i broke up almost a year ago and it is still hard. i have remained friends with most of my exs, including my most recent. my first love and i don't talk anymore mainly bc we lost touch over time (we broke up about 10 years ago). we definately didn't talk alot when we first broke up. if we saw each other somewhere or something, sure, but we didn't call or hang out for few months. then we started writing pretty frequently (he was at school). my latest ex and i really didn't seperate all that well. it was like, oh we are broken up, but let's spend 100 hours on the telephone. this just made it worse!!! as my friends said, it was like we were pretending to be broken up. we didn't talk for about a month and then our conversations were short (like 10 minutes or so) to start. now, i don't bust into tears everytime we hang up. it was like a terrible emotional roller coaster ride for the longest time. he is my best friend in the world and has been for much longer than we had been a couple, so i really don't want to loose him. we are definately not back at that "best friend" type relationship, but we are definately on the right track. take your time and take care of yourself. i hope things go well for you too.

socialbutterfly · #4 09-21-2003, 04:47 AM

If you're worried that you being around so much might affect him getting help, you're prob right....he needs to get help for himself and be willing to do most of it alone. No matter how much you want to be there for him, the firs stage of someone seeking any kind of help is having the courage to do it alone.

Don't feel bad if you don't talk to him for awhile...its what he needs to be able to see that he can do this on his own.

mullet81 · #5 09-21-2003, 11:07 AM

That is so sad to hear, I'm sorry! I agree with everyone else, he needs to realize by himself that he needs help and he needs o do it without anyone telling him to.

That said, it still sucks b/c youre obviously in love with this guy and it hurts to push him away, even though it's probably for the best. Wha i would do: I'd send him a card or letter letting him know that I'll always be there for him as a friend and confidant. Then of course you have to stop calling/seeing him as frequently as you did when you were together. He can't be the first person you turn to when youre excited or when youre scared - that has to be someone else now. Still make time for him, but don't compromise yourself and your well being for it.

alphachiohmy · #6 09-21-2003, 11:22 AM

Hope things begin to look up and sorry about the break up. as well. On the other side, its a positive in being able to realize for yourself that a relationship may not be the healthiest. Depression is a tough thing, when its taken over someone you care about.

I don't know if there are any rules on how to stay friends. I guess just folo your heart, rely on your friends and let him know you are there for him as a friend. If you think your staying too close, take a step back. I have made the mistake of staying too far away from an ex and losing them as a friend, but also being too close and getting into sticky situations.

Best of luck, and as hard as it seems now I am a firm believer in time healing wounds.

ChiOqt · #7 09-21-2003, 12:38 PM

AXjules~ I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I went through the same thing with my exbf of 3 years. It was really hard. Especially in this situation, all you can do is be there for him when he needs you because of what he's going through as well. Talk to friends is probably the best way to get your mind off things. and as suprising as this sounds, my breakup with the ex (my first and only true love.....it was intense) was when my mom and i became close because i realized that she was at the point i am at once and we really started to relate to each other. Make the most of what's around you, but don't go out of your way to contact your ex. That will just cause you so much unnecessary pain that you don't need on top of everything else. Feel free to pm me if you ever need to talk....

Rudey · #8 09-21-2003, 01:47 PM

As a guy who had that done to him (minus the depression) I just want to flip you the bird and say I hate you just for him. Not nice!!!

-Rudey
--We can still talk on Greekchat though.

aephi alum · #9 09-21-2003, 02:28 PM

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup.

In my experience, it is very hard to remain friends with an ex. I tried it once, and only succeeded in making myself miserable, so I finally had to tell him to just get out of my life. In retrospect, I think if we had let some time go by and then tried to establish a relationship as friends, it might have worked... that's something to think about.

Take care.

AXJules · #10 09-21-2003, 03:51 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by pinkyphimu
my latest ex and i really didn't seperate all that well. it was like, oh we are broken up, but let's spend 100 hours on the telephone. this just made it worse!!! as my friends said, it was like we were pretending to be broken up. we didn't talk for about a month and then our conversations were short (like 10 minutes or so) to start. now, i don't bust into tears everytime we hang up. it was like a terrible emotional roller coaster ride for the longest time. he is my best friend in the world and has been for much longer than we had been a couple, so i really don't want to loose him.

I guess this is what I'm terrified of....can't live without him as a best friend ( I know, wishful thinking) can't live with him as a boyfriend......SUCKS....and I know people have done it before, stayed friends, I mean.
I just wish there were like "5 easy steps" or something

AXJules · #11 09-21-2003, 03:54 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Rudey
As a guy who had that done to him (minus the depression) I just want to flip you the bird and say I hate you just for him. Not nice!!!

-Rudey
--We can still talk on Greekchat though.

I didn't do anything to him! AFter the shit he threw my way it was amazing it lasted as long as it did (ask Damasa, he's got a very blunt opinion on the subject)...Technically, in his wasted depressive stupor, he broke up with me. I just want him to be ok.

So, I'm giving you the finger for giving me the finger unwarranted. Not nice!!!!!

-Julie
--We can still talk though- I know you want this.

ZTAngel · #12 09-21-2003, 04:03 PM

In the middle of my freshman year, I broke up with my high school sweetheart who I had been dating for a year and 1/2. He was my first everything.

Since he basically knew everything about him and he was always the one I went to whenever I was having a problem, I didn't want to let that go but I also wanted to move on. So, we would talk on the phone once a week. We had a class together and we'd still sit next to each other during it. I still went to his place once a week to do laundry (I was in the dorms and he was in an apartment...it was very convenient). And, we were honest with each other when we met someone else. To this day (3 1/2 years later), we are still friends. We talk occasionally and hang out whenever he's in town...he has since moved out of Orlando. I've met his girlfriend and he's met my boyfriend. It is possible to stay friends after a break up. The important thing is to give each other space while staying in each other's lives. A once a week phone call is appropriate. Meeting up for lunch every month is also appropriate.

Of course, we had a mutual break up. Both of us loved each other but were no longer in love with one another. It's easier to stay friends when no one is hurt in the relationship.