Will She or Won't She?

[momoftwo]

Maybe you 2nd year students (or others) out there can give me some advice...as we get closer to the day we drop my daughter off at her college home, she seems to me to be getting less and less confident. Whatever choices she makes when she gets to school are certainly hers alone to make. But I'm afraid she's already ruling things out before she gives them a try.

At this point in her life, I see myself as my daughter's coach. I try to share my life experiences, and those of others, in an effort to help her see the choices she has in front of her with some benefit of hindsight. (I'm pretty happy where I've ended up, so I'm not trying to re-live my life through her.) When my daughter decided to attend a big school, we discussed how important it was to find a niche on campus. A big campus can be a lonely place if you don't. She told me not to worry--she'd continue to participate in concert band or orchestra and would try to join a sorority. (The second part scared me a little at first and that's how I found greek chat!)

Now that it's getting closer she's decided not to audition for band or orchestra and not to go through sorority recruitment. In the big scheme of things, that's okay, as long as she finds a niche. But I'm afraid she's making these choices because she's afraid of an unhappy outcome. I've always encouraged her to take risks; it's frustrating to me that she's already discounted a couple good opportunities to find a community on campus before she's even gotten there. Not to mention all those clothes we bought for her to wear

It's hard for me to imagine that she'd have a difficult time during recruitment. The greek system at the school she's attending is trying hard to grow. My daughter had better than a 4.0 average in high school, she was in the dance club, band, orchestra, and on the swim team. She's attractive, petite and has a great smile. She's not really outgoing in new situations, but she'll happily strike up a conversation when people talk to her.

I haven't really reacted to these recent developments. I know she's got mixed feelings about leaving her friends and family (mostly friends ). I'm trying to figure out what the most effective way to help her find her niche. I've drafted a letter to leave in her dorm when we drop her off. It's filled with the last minute advice I want to give her (go to class, eat right, call home, etc.). Here's what I wrote about recruitment in that letter. Any thoughts?

>>>I can’t tell you to join a sorority—and I’m not sure whether or not it’s a good idea for you. I don’t know much about Greek Life there—but I do think sorority life would give you a chance to feed your feminine self. While there has been partying on college campuses forever, it is my recollection that the Greek women at my school tended to care about how they were perceived and held themselves to a higher standard of behavior that a lot of independent women. All I encourage you to do here is to look beyond the stereotypes and at least go to the orientation for rush. Make your decision one day at a time. If it’s right for you, you’ll know it. If it’s not, you’ll know that too. You’ll end up where you’re meant to be. Don’t be afraid to take a risk going through rush, you have many qualities the houses are looking for. You have great grades, good extracurricular activities and the world’s prettiest smile! Any house that doesn’t see that is obviously not the place for a great girl like you.<<<

[sugar and spice]

This is a topic that's really close to my heart. I know some people on GC know my story, but I'll tell it again because I want your daughter to know that this is completely normal, but she can't let it paralyze her because that's when the fears become true.

My freshman year I went away to the University of Minnesota, a school of 45,000 about 5 hours away from my home in Madison, Wisconsin. I grew up with the University of Wisconsin in my backyard and was convinced, up until midway through my senior year, that I was going to the UW. At the last minute, though, I decided to go away to Minnesota. I was a little apprehensive about it since I'm the kind of person who takes a while to come out of my shell in situations where I'm not comfortable. They would have preferred to have seen me here in Madison, where they knew I was comfortable, or at the smaller liberal arts college I applied to, where they knew I could find my place more easily.

To make a long story short(er), I clammed up during my first few months at Minnesota and HATED it. I hardly ever left my dorm room, except to go to class and get food. By the time I realized that I needed to be more outgoing or I would have no friends, cliques had already started to form. I decided by, like, my third week at school that I wanted to transfer back to Wisconsin for the spring semester. I had planned on rushing, but decided not to at the last minute. I told myself it was because I was planning to transfer, it wouldn't make sense in case I ended up in one of the sororities that Minn. has but Wisconsin doesn't (Alpha Gam, AOPi) or I joined a sorority that I fit into at Minnesota but which's chapter was very different at the UW. In reality it was because I didn't want to deal with facing the possibility of rejection. I was incredibly lonely and probably depressed; I went on crying jags all the time and went home as much as I could.

I ended up staying at Minnesota for the full year and was happier second semester -- I became closer to my roommate and some of her friends became my friends, plus I made some new friends on my own from classes and around the dorm, but I still wasn't as happy as I wanted to be and transferred at the end of the year.

At the UW I decided that I couldn't allow the same thing to happen again, so I had to do everything in my power to prevent my anxiety from paralyzing me. In Minnesota I had worried that I would try to make friends with people and they wouldn't like me -- so I just didn't try. That is the worst possible solution, and the thing was that people DID like me -- they just didn't know it until I got out there and tried to be social with them. So at Wisconsin I did everything I could to be social in the first couple weeks, and I ended up with tons of great friends from the dorms (I was actually one of the most social people on my floor), I played intramural soccer and joined a sorority I love. But even though I'm happy here, I always wonder what would have happened if I had managed to do things right at Minnesota. The U of M was a perfect fit for me academically (the UW is not), and I will always wonder what could have happened if I had made the social side work too.

It's so hard to open yourself up to the kind of rejection that rush and auditions pose, especially when you are in such a vulnerable place as leaving home and being in a completely new environment. If you're a shy person, that can be overwhelming. The biggest thing to keep your nerves calmed is that everyone, no matter how calm they appear on the outside, is just as scared as you. My boyfriend's little brother is coming to the university this year and he's nervous about making friends. The boy has a great sense of humor, has never had trouble making friends before, and is even going to be playing football for the UW -- how could a football player have trouble making friends at a school where football is like a religion? Yet he is just as nervous as your daughter is!

The best advice I can offer her is to never turn down an opportunity to be social. Hang out with the kids in your dorm -- we always say that we can spot the freshmen during the first month of school because they hang out in packs. Don't be afraid to go next door and see if the girls there want to get dinner with you. Drag your roommate to the club meetings that sound interesting, the volunteer fair, the study abroad interest meeting. See if she can find anybody to sign up for rush with her (going through with a friend definitely makes it less scary!). And included in the social stuff is doing things like rush and auditioning for orchestra. I know that going through rush was one of the scariest things I've ever done, but 95 times out of a hundred it has a happy ending.

Have you showed your daughter GC yet? It might help alleviate some of her concerns.

Sorry for talking your ear off but I figured your daughter could use some support.

[KappaKittyCat]

Here, here, S & S! I was hoping you'd chime in.

I agree, Momoftwo, get your daughter onto GC. We're here for her.

[momoftwo]

Originally posted by sugar and spice
This is a topic that's really close to my heart. I know some people on GC know my story, but I'll tell it again because I want your daughter to know that this is completely normal, but she can't let it paralyze her because that's when the fears become true.

Sugar and Spice, I PMd you.

[dzsaigirl]

It sounds like your daughter has a ton of things in common with me! (Being that I am a band/orchestra person...my degree is in music!).

If she has been involved in those activities since junior high (which is highly likely) then she will be in for a shock when she suddenly doesn't participate in anything! Band and orchestra are a great friend base, and so is Greek Life! I feel that Greek Life is especially suited for people like us who are used to being part of a big group and supporting each other! I adapted very well!

I would suggest definitely going through rush! Also, give those auditions a try. The worst they can say is no...plus, I feel like a lot of new students are really intimidated and think that everyone else plays phenomenally better than them, but that is just not true! Everyone was a freshman once!

So rush, YES!!!! Do not wait! Rush now!

Auditions, YES!!!!! If she has prepared reportoire! This can wait until the Spring if she wants to practice or feel things out.

[momoftwo]

Originally posted by dzsaigirl
It sounds like your daughter has a ton of things in common with me! (Being that I am a band/orchestra person...my degree is in music!).

If she has been involved in those activities since junior high (which is highly likely) then she will be in for a shock when she suddenly doesn't participate in anything! Band and orchestra are a great friend base, and so is Greek Life! I feel that Greek Life is especially suited for people like us who are used to being part of a big group and supporting each other! I adapted very well!

I would suggest definitely going through rush! Also, give those auditions a try. The worst they can say is no...plus, I feel like a lot of new students are really intimidated and think that everyone else plays phenomenally better than them, but that is just not true! Everyone was a freshman once!

So rush, YES!!!! Do not wait! Rush now!

Auditions, YES!!!!! If she has prepared reportoire! This can wait until the Spring if she wants to practice or feel things out.

The big shock is going to be what to do with all that time. There were times in high school when she was at school 12+ hours a day and still got her homework done! She's in class 3 hours on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Her private lesson teacher is working on the auditions with her. He's giving here grief because she played for a national audience of hs and college directors with a soloist from the Chicago S.O. If she could do that, he figures she should be able to play in the orchestra for non-music majors where she's going. He's good at yelling at her, so I'm leaving that to him.

I think that seeing how band had a positive effect on both my children's high school experience is why I'm convinced joining something is important. My problem is how to get my daughter to understand that without being overbearing

[sairose]

Definately encourage your daughter to pursue band. I'm biased because I'm a music major and an SAI...but band is a GREAT place to find your niche! Band is like a family to me. And it was from the music department that I found my OTHER home...Sigma Alpha Iota!

Does the college your daughter is going to have any music sororities? SAI, Tau Beta Sigma, etc etc? If so, if she gets involved in band she may LOVE one of these!! Please PM me and let me know where your daughter is going to school, etc etc. I have some advice for her.

[justamom]

I think your letter is an excellent idea! I also think your words rang true. I have always put important thoughts down in letter form to my kids. I agree with the philosophy of one day at a time.
Heck, I would say pledge and get a real feel for the bonds of sisterhood. Maybe she is also scared she might disappoint you if it doesn't work out. Sometimes it seems impossible to know what my own children are feeling, yet the very next second, they're an open book. Go figure! As "just a Mom", send her my best wishes
and hopes that she opens herself to all the new experiences she can. (Within reason of course!!! ) This is her opportunity to break free of those HS limits that we OR others put on us. Often, we played the role we were given! Now is the time she can fly, and it's experiences like orchestra, sorority life, challenging courses, the freedom to be our TRUE self, that give us wings.

[beachgal118]

momoftwo- Wow, a lot of what you said about your daughter reminds me of myself. I am going to be a sophomore this year at a large state school and to be honest, freshman year was probably one of the hardest times in my life: I went to an out-of-state school, so I too was worried about finding a niche. I planned on joining a sorority and trying out for the dance team in hopes of finding friends like the wonderful ones I had left behind. My parents were a little apprehensive about the sorority thing, but they kind of thought all along that me joining a sorority would be a given and assumed the same thing about dance team (by the way, my dad also wrote me a letter about how to make the most of my time at college that he left in my room the day my parents dropped me off. I still have it )

Anyways, long story short: neither the sorority nor the dance team panned out. So, I was left at this huge university with what felt like nothing. My parents kept telling me to try new things, but I was too depressed about my experiences and didn't have the confidence to try NEW things-I couldn't even succeed at the two things I was best at-socializing and dancing ! lol (the ironic thing is that I had always been a confident person until then, when I needed it most) I felt helpless to turn things around. It was like my worst fears were coming true! It seemed that everyone was mostly from the state in which my school is and they all already knew eachother. Meanwhile, my friends from home were having a blast, all attending colleges in my home state and partying together all the time. I just wanted to be with them (of course, who wants college to be simply an extension of high school? by the way, most of my HS friends who went away together can't stand eachother anymore! Hindsight is 20/20) Anyway, Throw in an AWFUL roommate (and I mean awful), and you have a college horror story! I really wanted to transfer...but something was stopping me. I knew I would always wonder "what if?"

Instead, I worked really hard in my classes (my school is pretty tough) and made friends with the girls on my hall (who were not the types I'm usually friends with). Still, I called my parents, almost every night in tears. My freshman year was nothing like how I imagined it would be. I was homesick and felt very alone and never really found a niche...but the funny thing is, it was a true growing experience. I am much more mature and looking back, I realize everything DOES happen for a reason and good things still came out of this: My grades are excellent and I met some amazing people despite never finding a "clique" In retrospect, I wish I had stepped out and tried new things-that is what college is all about! I don't regret the chances I did take though- nothing ventured nothing gained and all that. I'm nervous about going back, but I have a good feeling about it. So, my advice to your daughter would be this:

1-Definately rush. You don't have to pledge if it isn't for you. You will meet so many people this way and may fall in love with sorority life! If it doesn't work out, don't worry, because it eventually will! Just read some of the stories on GC!

2- Audition for band! While it's true things are generally more competative in college, they are also that much more rewarding. Anyhow, try to continue with the activities you enjoy. Last year was the first year I didn't dance or do gymnastics, and I really wish I had found a way to become involved. I didn't realize how much I loved dancing until I stopped doing it!

3-Make an effort to keep in touch with people you meet. It can be hard, especially on a large campus. You'll meet some great people, then never see them again unless you take the initiative to stay in contact.

4-Try something new. A new club, activity, whatever. This is the advice I ignored and am now kicking myself for it.

5-Go to every sporting event possible and never turn down an invitation to go out. Going to the football and basketball games really helped me feel like I was a part of my university and being social helped me forget how much I thought I *hated* school. My hallmates were always inviting me to do stuff with them and I never wanted to, but when I went, I always had a blast.


Good luck to your daughter!!! If you have any questions or anything, you can definately PM me!

[Tom Earp]

Most Young people think they may be hot stuff in HS as they are into everything.

But the idea of going AWAY is and can be very nerve racking! It is not that they depended on Mom and Dad while in HS as Parents were dumb and did not understand! LOL!

But to go away to a strange place, meet new people, have a different curiculam and study habits is totally strange.

All of a sudden it is I know evrything, but what do I do

I would say at least 90 % of the Kids think that way. I was in the 10 % , go figure.

I did not want to go to a clollege where a lot of my HS friends went. I wanted to try something new!

If you remember, when you went to college, it was strange, and you werent the BMOC anymore.

JMOM has and is going through this with a Daughter and a Son! 1 st hand knowledge for sure! From our discussions, she is doing a very good job of giving a little physological advice! Nudging here and there!

Of course as in inside thing, Picture a Lady in a P Up Truck running dirt roads in the Bayou looking for antiques and truck farming!

It is hard for me to understand being the intrevert that I was to take off and get away from home, not once but twice- 2 schools.

But my problem is I get to Gung Ho and hot headed and say do not tell me NO, I will do it anyway!
Example: hate the sight of blood! Became a COP, da! Now blood does not bother me unless it is mine! Ah but, that is just little Ole Me!

Try hooking him / her up on GC! What an eye opening experience for me and all of the ones on, I am sure!
I can only hope, that she does go through rush. It is hecktic as hell, but is a new experience and a learning process!

The added benefit, if as you say the school is trying to help and make the Greek System grow, what better way for a young person to get involved. They are able to make a seed planted grow into a flower!!

[squashfly3]

hey! i have had a similar experience to that of your daughter's momoftwo...last year i started college at a small private liberal arts school...before going i had really no interest in greek life at all...i never even thought of myself as being part of it...but i did plan on trying out for the band and orchestra here which i did. and i was so glad i did...i don't know what i would have done without music...and it was through music that i rekindled a friendship with someone i had gone to high school with who was in a sorority that was new to the college this year. because of her i decided to attend rush and then pledge...and i am so glad i did. it was the most worthwhile part of my freshman year...my sisters have been here for me for everything and it's amazing the bond that i share with them. but i had to make that decision on my own...and i'm sure that your daughter will make the deicision that is right for her in her own time. but the important thing is to be supportive. my mother wasn't entirely thriled when i called her up to say that i was pledging a sorority, but she supported the decision that i had made and a few months later she told me that she was so glad that i had joined the sorority because it made me so happy. so just give your daughter time and she will find the path that she is supposed to follow.

[Glitter650]

I can completely relate to many people's story here... and can definitely testify to the fact that having some sort of "niche" or familiar outlet in college is a MUST !!!!!!!!!!!!! I would NEVER EVER had made as many friends my freshman year without having being cast and involved in drama productions both semesters my freshman year. ( I still ended up transferring, but that's a whole other ball of wax)
My personality seems similar to your daughter's in that if I'm just around other people in general... ( class, parties, on the street) I generally have to be approached if there is going to be a connection made after that I'll talk my head off... BUT I'm not the fastest to go straight up and introduce myself.. you get the picture.... HOWEVER... if I'm involved in something like drama or choir, or band, (or rush !) where it kinda gives you a natural flow/common starting ground to get to know people it's a lot easier for me to be outgoing... because the problem is not that I'm really shy.. (or I wouldn't perform !) but being involved and going through common experiences just helps people to feel bonded quicker and participating in an activity you've done forever just can give you a sense of familiarity and comfort you need sometimes when you're starting out somewhere new. I wish your daughter a great first semester at college she has the support of a wonderful mother and will flourish whatever she decides to do !

[justamom]

TOM-! From our discussions, she is doing a very good job of giving a little physological advice! Nudging here and there!

Today, I bring out the "big guns"! I found Hubby's old college box. It has a huge mug, stickers, formal photos and THE RING! It is really beautiful. I told my son I wanted 15-20 minutes with his brain!

Momoftwo, please let us all know what your daughter decides.
As you can tell, we all hope for the best!

[AchtungBaby80]

Sugar and Spice, you could've been me my first year at school. I'll never forget how miserable I was. Like you, I regret not being more social my first year, but my other three years were awesome so I figure 3 out of 4 is pretty good.

[Tom Earp]

JWOW,

Keeping everything Crossed!

God will the Threads be full when all of the Recruits announce!