Friend s w/ Drama?

LawyerGal2003 · #1 06-26-2003, 01:50 PM

Ladies

What is the best way to deal with friends w/ drama? I can not lie I am always that friend who will stay on the phone till 3 am in the morning, pick you up when your man puts you out, lend you money when you need it type of friend who always helps a sista out but I am at a critical phase in my life not only career wise but emotional and spiritually as well....

All my friends and family know I am sitting for the Bar exam in basically 30 days but no one seems to care! A/w I get a phone call at like 6 am from one of my closest friends (she's in NY) about coming to my area to look for apartments this weekend b/c her husband is acting up. Now this has been over 5 years of anything that could go wrong in a marriage DID... OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

I couldn't find it in my heart (as my Mom advised) to tell her this isn’t a good time to come so I didn't. Well she said she would call me to talk in more detail but never did! So I called her and come to find out the 'storm' passed and she said she couldn't come again but maybe she'll try in a few weeks!

I am thinkin' you call and wake me up outta my sleep to show him you can throw a temper tantrum (her words not mine)????!!!

I'm thinking.... Why not call my cell??? Ughhh I am really upset! Years ago I prayed on it and said Lord just help me hold my tongue and I have not spoken one ill word about him I just tried to be an ear but I am thinking what do I do now. The next 5 weeks are critical and I don’t want any of my friends w/ drama to pull me in the middle of it.... Is there anyone out there who has any words of advice on how I should handle this?

LG

Choo-ChooAKA · #2 06-26-2003, 02:23 PM

Lawyergal, it's up to you to set boundaries. No matter how much some people love you (and maybe we have to question how much they really do), their lives come first. Your friend is not thinking about your bar exam; she's focused on her own problems. You can't assume that anyone but your mama understands where you are, so you have to tell them (be honest - they care about you). You are not going to lose a friend because you need to hibernate for the next 6 weeks. If you do, then so be it - that person does not have your best interests at heart and therefore is not much of a friend anyway. (Easy to say, hunh?

)

A friend of mine was going through the same thing when she was getting close to her Masters exam. She lives with her fiancee and he was having friends over all of the time. She is not in the habit of cramping his style, so she didn't say anything about not being able to study; she was just rude to his friends. Well, he got all upset about her "attitude," so she finally had to tell him that it would be best if, for the next 3-4 weeks, he would refrain from having company. Working up the nerve to tell him this caused her a huge amount of anxiety and stress that she really didn't need to have to deal with at that point, but, she did it and ignored HIS attitude for the next few weeks. She took the test, passed it, and things went back to normal.

I would say all is well that ends well, but, really, I think that relationship is headed for problems. Who am I to say, though? I have my own relationship foibles. Anyway, I'm rambling.

Back to setting boundaries: SET THEM NOW. You need time to study with a clear head. Put all emotional issues on the back burner. If your friend can't take honesty, put her on the back burner too until the test is over. You have enough anxiety, worry, fear, panic to deal with right now. She will have to keep her headaches to herself. Tell her these things - be honest and she will understand where you're coming from. If not, so be it for the next 6 weeks. Don't let anyone else's silliness get in your way. If you do, maybe you are so very terrified that you are creating an excuse for yourself if you fail? Maybe a self-fulfiling prophecy? Be careful, our minds to play tricks on us in times of intense stress.

Good luck with the exam. You can do it, no proooblem. My father passed the CA Bar with about 4 weeks of intensive study and my sister passed it too; both on the first try. You're smart and you will succeed.

AKA2D '91 · #3 06-26-2003, 03:59 PM

Good Luck.

Like my soror said, ESTABLISH EVERYTHING NOW! They have to respect what you are trying to do. Tell them straight up when you are and are not available. If you have to send a letter, do that!

This is YOUR future at stake.

pointNclick · #4 06-26-2003, 04:24 PM

is really simple and some might say a bit impratical. I live by it and it has not failed me yet.

Learn
To
Say
No

~pnc

RedefinedDiva · #5 06-26-2003, 04:37 PM

As a future lawyer myself, I know what you are going through. Well, I don't know how deep your situations really is right now, but I will soon find out.

This may not apply to your situation, but I think that it applies to mine. Maybe you will see a relation. I have always been like you (down-for-whatever kind of friend), but sometimes I don't get that in return. I have also noticed that my time and troubles are not taken into consideration because everyone thinks that because I'm single, I can't have that much to worry about. I have often gotten calls at 2 or 3 a.m. from some friend crying and going crazy. I usually get up and talk to them until they are cool. However, by the rising of the sun the next day, the problem is forgotten on their end. When you finally call them, it's like, "Oh yeah. Well, Jimmy called me and we're cool." WHEN WERE YOU GONNA TELL ME?

My life does not revolve around my man (when I have one). I have bigger fish to fry. Don't let people transfer all of their negative energy on you. When I was away at school trying to do my thing, people would call me. HELLO? I've got a 9 a.m. class! Why are you calling me at 4? Now that I'm studying for the LSAT, it seems that since everyone doesn't understand the importance, they are blowing it off. I have solved this problem by using my Cller ID box and turning off my cell after 1 a.m. I don't want to hear it. Tell your drama filled friends that you are going through some stuff right now and you need to concentrate. Let them work it out. If they can't, at least you'll be able to represent them in a few months!

FeeFee · #6 06-26-2003, 05:30 PM

Hey LG,

Simply put, do you Ma. That means getting enough strenght to let your friend know that you can not help her right now, but as soon as you are done w/ the bar exam (which I know you will pass

), if she needs you, you are willing to listen.

Remember, she, or anyone else, can help you pass the exam. I'm no attorney, but I've seen folks while studying for the bar - from my eyes, it's no joke.

If she can't understand, let the chips fall.

darling1 · #7 06-26-2003, 08:43 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by pointNclick
is really simple and some might say a bit impratical. I live by it and it has not failed me yet.

Learn
To
Say
No

~pnc

AMEN!!!!!!!

I'm learning it now!!!!!

LawyerGal2003 · #8 06-27-2003, 09:13 AM

My whole fam. really IS over hereeeeee!!! Thanks so much for your wise words. You are right I have to JUST DO IT. I think back to my first year and this same person I spent 5 hours on the phone w/ during final exams AND SHE KNEW I WAS STUDYING!!!! Granted I should have hung up (and finally did) it always made me wonder if the show was on the other foot (which it has been b/c she was sitting for the RN exam) I would give her space and save the drama...... I have other issues w/ this friend but you are right my mind can create a problem if I try hard enough

And this exam is SUPER intimidating. I am STILL not clear on how we are supposed to do this.... But I keep telling myself people have done it before and people will do it after so suck it up

Thanks so much for the encouragement!!!!!!

LawyerGal2003 · #9 06-27-2003, 09:22 AM

AKA2D-- You are right I was thinking of sending out an email telling people to give me a lil time to myself b/c I am easily distracted I think I need to do that.

PnC- I know, I know YOU are so right!!!! Why am I afraid to tell people no? This is for me and my benefit... I need to put myself first !!!!!

Fee Fee- You are on point too, I guess I should mention a few years back I went to NY to visit and she invited me to stay w/ her and ended up asking me to leave her apartment (that she was sharing w/ him) b/c he said he felt uncomfortable w/ me there

She didn't have a problem saying no to me right??? lol. We didn't speak for almost 4 months then she called to tell me they were on a trial separation b/c right after I left some drama popped off... hoo hummm... This may indeed be the make it or break it and let the chips fall here they may.....

LawyerGal2003 · #10 06-27-2003, 09:27 AM

RD I feel you that is my plight too. I am really the only one in my close circle of friends who is single (& not dating) and has no kids so yes LG is alwayssss available for anythinggg you need. And that's partly my fault b/c I am just not known for saying no to anyone. I am so glad to hear you are studying for the LSAT!!!!! THAT'S EXCELLENT!!! The law is a beautiful thing and we definitely need more of us (women of color) to join the ranks. Let me know if you need anything..... After July 30th..lol.. !