Teens and sensitive issues

Ideal08 · #1 04-22-2003, 09:30 PM

A lot of us on this message board work with youth. I figured I'd start a thread about questions that we may have in assisting them. Here is mine.

I have a girl in my house who is about a size 16, I believe. But sometimes her clothes look TOO TIGHT. Now, I think that this may be a DC thing, cuz the girls will wear some painted on jeans, ok? They have a name, but I forget. ANYWAY, my boss wants me to talk to her about her clothing. Not because it is too tight, but because it is not flattering to her. How do you approach a subject like that with a teenager? You know they sensitive? And what they look like is SO important to them. So I need to know how to even begin the conversation, because I tend to come across as a little insensitive sometimes. So help a sista out. What do I say to her?

CrimsonTide4 · #2 04-22-2003, 09:34 PM

Let's go on MAury and get you a makeover!

Well, I saw a lot of girls wearing stuff that was so inappropriate for them and a lot of it boils down to wanting to fit in and not knowing that just cuz they make it in your size does not mean you buy it.

Why don't you talk to her as one BBW to another privately? Tell her how sometimes you struggle to find clothes that compliment your shape. Give her some suggestions of appropriate clothes. Tell her you are only talking to her because you care. Offer to work out with her as well to help shed some of the weight. Look through magazines and find clothes that will flatter her -- both body weight and age.

Peaches-n-Cream · #3 04-22-2003, 10:23 PM

I know a teenager who usually dresses well, but sometimes she could use a little help. Her dad was concerned about this since she has sweet sixteens and a prom and a semi-formal in the next few weeks. I took her shopping a few weeks ago. I stood back as she picked out a few lovely dresses. I selected a few for her also. She loves the color black. I thought that red or pink would look pretty, but she just wasn't interested. So instead she selected two beautiful black dresses that she loves for the color and her dad loves for the styles, not low cut or short or tight.

If you can't go shopping with her, maybe you can bring a clothing catalog and show her outfits that are a little more appropriate. You can say something like, "I saw this outfit, and I thought that you would look gorgeous in it." or "This is perfect for you." That way you can be sensitive to her feelings, but also make your point.

Bamboozled · #4 04-22-2003, 11:20 PM

*sigh* I certainly don't envy you in this situation...

I agree with both CT4 and Cream so far. Teenagers are so vulnerable and have such low self-esteem that you have to tread lightly. My advice to you is to make sure she doesn't think that there is a conspiracy going on and that people (i.e. the powers that be or her friends) are talking about her behind her back. You definitely don't want her to know that her style of dress has become a topic of discussion. I think that would devastate her more than anything. Like CT4 said, come to her like you're just her girl and while you already think she's fly, you just want to help her be the flyest (I know that's not a word) that she can be.

I've been in your shoes before (with a family member) and I chose to do nothing when I know I should have stepped in. Any help/advice you can offer this young lady will be immeasurable in the future.

stardusttwin · #5 04-23-2003, 01:02 AM

I'm not sure its a size thing as much as it is a style issue. I've seen teens that are at most a juniors size 4 wearing clothes that are probably girls size 16. For some reason these young girls think clothes are supposed to fit skin tight....I don't think its just a DC thing. So many would look so much better if they would wear clothes that are the correct size.

I also know for the label concious the brand clothes are cheaper in the smaller sizes but that's no excuse.

Perhaps you could bring the topic up in a round about way. Mention you went shopping and all this time you thought you wore size X but they didn't have it and the clerk swore you would fit size Y better because of the cut and when you tried it on they fit and looked so much nicer and you just had to get over that they were size Y. Ask her what she thinks and twirl and go slowly from there. I wouldn't focus on her size as the reason the clothes look bad just how they fit because frankly the girls who are a size 4 wearing tight clothers look bad also. She may have such a distorted view of herself that she doesn't appreciate how pretty she is at her current size.

Just had a thought- bring up how Mo'nique dresses...I don't like her comedy all the time but she can dress her behind off and is always stylish in clothes that fit her. She has a book coming out and I thought I heard before she was styling clothes but not sure if they are on the market yet.

1savvydiva · #6 04-23-2003, 02:39 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by stardusttwin

Just had a thought- bring up how Mo'nique dresses...I don't like her comedy all the time but she can dress her behind off and is always stylish in clothes that fit her. She has a book coming out and I thought I heard before she was styling clothes but not sure if they are on the market yet.

Boy...this goes to show you that beauty is DEFINITELY in the eye of the beholder!

I think that Mo'nique usually looks like a hot arse mess!!!

Anyway, I am also a BBW, and honestly Ideal08...I think you should just be straight with her. Don't try to sugarcoat it because she may not get your drift. I know when I was in high school and I first started to put on weight, I appreciated my mother saying "Sweetie, that just doesn't compliment you anymore, why don't you try..." I would much rather someone come to me like that than to beat around the bush, but that could just be my personality.

I think that as long as you are sincere with what you are saying and you follow it up with suggestions instead of just saying, "You know you too big for that!"

that she will receive what you are saying.

Does she have money to start a new wardrobe? Has she gained a bit of weight recently? I guess these would factor in as well, if she has recently put on weight and her clothes are too tight and she can't afford new ones, I don't know that I would want to approach the situation at all!

Ideal08 · #7 04-23-2003, 08:46 AM

I know that this student is self-conscious about her size because we have talked about it before. That is why this is such a touchy topic. I know that some days she feels ugly. I know that some days she doesn't want to eat. This is SO much about size. Some things simply should not be worn if they don't compliment your figure.

I'm not sure about her financial situation. I don't think that she can afford too much, y'know what I'm sayin'? I have thought about going shopping with her, though. I think that's a really good idea, I just can't foot the bill. We'll see.

Thanks for all of your ideas, though. Please, keep them coming!

CrimsonTide4 · #8 04-23-2003, 08:52 AM

Since an administrator is wanting her to wear better clothes and I know what you know, ask them to help her out with better fitting clothe$$$$$.

Again have private talks with her about her image. Tell her some days we all feel "unpretty". There is an article I posted in Celeb Dish where Halle Berry sometimes feels ugly. Share that with her.

jll79 · #9 04-23-2003, 09:43 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Ideal08
I know that this student is self-conscious about her size because we have talked about it before. That is why this is such a touchy topic. I know that some days she feels ugly. I know that some days she doesn't want to eat. This is SO much about size. Some things simply should not be worn if they don't compliment your figure.

I'm not sure about her financial situation. I don't think that she can afford too much, y'know what I'm sayin'? I have thought about going shopping with her, though. I think that's a really good idea, I just can't foot the bill. We'll see.

Thanks for all of your ideas, though. Please, keep them coming!

As a person who is on the full figured side, I know what it's like to feel that way and to basically starve myself to think I look better. There is no point to it. I was once in her shoes where I would take people telling me about what I look like personally, but it is all about how you approach someone on it. My sister and I had a simple conversation years ago and she snuck(ms?) in the topic and told me about some changes that I should make for myself. At first I got on the defensive side, but I realized this is someone I trust and love and at least she was HONEST. That is what you have to be...Honest. It may hurt, but it will help her. Just be as gentle as you can. Good Luck!!

One more thing, why is your boss putting that responsibility on you? I feel that your boss, as the higher authority, should discuss that with her.

Ideal08 · #10 04-23-2003, 11:30 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by jll79
One more thing, why is your boss putting that responsibility on you? I feel that your boss, as the higher authority, should discuss that with her.

*sigh* That right there is a whole 'nother conversation for a whole 'nother day.

jll79 · #11 04-23-2003, 11:37 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Ideal08
*sigh* That right there is a whole 'nother conversation for a whole 'nother day.

OK. I got ya.

AKA_Monet · #12 04-23-2003, 10:05 PM

There must be a reason why a 16 year old is wearing a size 16? Has she been examined for serious medical conditions? Such as hormonal issues? The self consciousness may have something to do with her current living conditions. Then, given that you are in the position that you are in, her choices in clothing is rather skewed.

Many lovely sistahs who are "endowed" find out too little, too late when it comes to obesity, unfortunately. And much of it may have to do with poor food choices while growing up--meaning that the supermarkets in depressed areas have food that is rotting or spoiled, which causes major food allergies causing inflammation and excessive weight gain simply because the neighborhood is too poor to demand fresher and healthier food!!! And I have a suspicion (sp.) that this kind of craziness has been going on for YEARS!!!

Anyhow, more and more of OUR young people are suffering from adult type illnessness that are suppose to affect people well into their 60's!! High cholesterol, high blood pressure, diabetes... The question is why? Could it be binge eating? Poor eating habits? What? Did OUR folks have similar problems 50 years ago? NO!!! In fact there was starvation... So what is the deal???

As a scientist, I ask these questions. But living in a community which is depressed--and a place ironically researching the dis-EASE causing obesity, I find that the foods in the supermarkets are of very poor quality. Not even one's dog would be fed some of the food stuffs that being sold...

So ladies and gentlemen, those who have weight gain issues--the old adage goes, "watch what you eat..." Some of the food stuffs is of very poor quality even if the dates printed have not expired... If it don't look fresh, don't buy it!!! Especially, meat products. Make sure chicken is not yellow--indicating Samonella poisoning, Fish does not smell bad, Beef is not brown and pork is not excessively white and brown... The spoilage can make you fat and sick!!!

That's my take on the deal...

I have no idea how you could approach a poor teenager about her clothing choices... Maybe an find someone spiritually to uplift her as a start--such as who was Queen Nzingha? I dunno...

Sahara · #13 04-24-2003, 09:16 PM

I don't know if you've ever dealt with body image issues or not, but I would speak to her from experience. I've always been thick

. When I was in HS, I used to wear tight clothes trying to stay in that smaller size. After a while I realized that it made me look even bigger than I was. When I started wearing more comfortable clothes that were my actual size, I felt better because I knew I looked better.

PrettyNPearls · #14 04-24-2003, 09:32 PM

Soror Ideal08,

I have always found that somethings can not be presented in a sensitive manner. Sometimes you just have to say it. People may not like me for my directness but they sure will respect me, ok?

Besides, you want this young girl to respect what you are saying so that she can learn to respect herself and her body. Tell her the do's and don'ts of what women are suppose to look like especially in public

I dred to see what the mother looks like. Anywho, let her know that her body needs to breathe and not stuffed like a pig in a blanket. Oh my. Did I say that?