Significant other going into the military..

twinkle555 · #1 06-10-2009, 06:07 PM

I think the title says it all but I'll elaborate some...

My boyfriend of 4 yrs has been taking the steps the enter the U.S Coast Guard since March. He is going to sign his contract/final paperwork sometime in the next few weeks. I'm very proud and very excited for him! His recruiter said he would leave sometime in October for bootcamp.

I guess I am just a little nervous b/c I dont know if being in bootcamp for 2 mos will 'change' him in a good way or a bad way...its kind of hard to explain. He is a pretty mellow guy, but he can sure as hell defend himself in an argument. He has a great sense of humor and I would really hate for that to disappear. Does anyone have an idea on how the military might 'change' his personality? FWIW, he was in 4 yrs of NJROTC in high school and 2 yrs of NROTC in college.

Also, he keeps asking where I would like to live so he can make a list of possible stations..so I'm guessing he is planning on taking me with him to wherever he is going to be stationed (I'm hoping he wont get stuck on a cutter or something, that would suck since I couldnt go

) I told him when he first started talking about the military that I wouldn't move anywhere with him unless we were engaged at the very least, is this unreasonable? I dont think it is, moving is a big step, not to mention four yrs of dating and 21/2 yrs of living together!! I just would like other opinions on that issue.
Is anyone elses SO going into the military/just entered?

AlwaysSAI · #2 06-10-2009, 06:49 PM

I am in no way a great guru of relationships, but I'll share what I think.

I also wouldn't follow a guy around the country without an engagement--I don't think it's too much to ask. And, you have been together long enough to know if that's where it's going.

I have a friend who joined the marines right out of high school. She was very timid, had low self esteem and wouldn't defend herself. She came out of boot camp self assured, out spoken, and amazingly confident.

There are always stories, though, where the military doesn't change people for the best. My father would be one that ended his stint in the military negatively. And, my step dad still to this day won't speak a word of what he went through in the Vietnam war.

AOII_LB93 · #3 06-10-2009, 06:56 PM

I can't speak for how boot camp may change him, however I can speak to the moving thing.

I'm with you, I most certainly would NOT move if there was not a ring AND a date for the wedding. A ring is nice, but it's not the same as a ring and a date. You've been living together for 2.5 years and dating for 4. Speaking from experience (dated for 6 years, 3.5 of which we lived together), and even my husband admitting it - his own words here- we should have been engaged long before we finally did, but because we lived together it took him longer to ask. I got tired of waiting, moved out on my own, he was on his own - we both lived alone - and within 5 months he asked. Given it to do over again, I would not have lived with my husband until after we got engaged.

ETA: Uprooting yourself without a commitment may end up poorly.

LttleMsPrEp · #4 06-10-2009, 07:33 PM

As far as boot camp changing him, I don't think that it would. My fiance joined the Navy and went away to boot camp and he's pretty outspoken with a rather strong personality (he's not one that you would want to get into an arugment with). I thought that he was going to end up getting into a lot of trouble with his mouth but he was able to learn how to bite his tongue and left bootcamp a bit more calm and mellow than when he entered. He's still the same person, he just has a better handle on things. I also second everyone else's thoughts about not uprooting yourself without being engaged.

twinkle555 · #5 06-11-2009, 12:31 PM

Thanks for all the replies! I feel better about everything now. I talked to the bf last night and he told me that the Coast Guard's medical training school has a year-long wait..so he wants to try and stay in Tampa until he can go. We'll see what happens! Ill let you all know of course

KSUViolet06 · #6 06-11-2009, 01:26 PM

I know a thing or 2 about these.

I think you have the advantage of having been together for 4 years. I think the issue with most military relationships is that the couple hasn't been together long enough before being separated by bootcamp/deployments/etc.

Be aware that with the US military, nothing is ever set in stone. What he may think he'll be doing after bootcamp may not be what happens.

I also wouldn't move anywhere without a ring AND a date at the VERY LEAST.

THis thread has some interesting insight on miltiary relationships as well: http://www.greekchat.com/gcforums/sh...light=military

twinkle555 · #7 06-11-2009, 02:14 PM

[QUOTE=KSUViolet06;1816219][COLOR="Magenta"]I know a thing or 2 about these.

I think you have the advantage of having been together for 4 years. I think the issue with most military relationships is that the couple hasn't been together long enough before being separated by bootcamp/deployments/etc.

Be aware that with the US military, nothing is ever set in stone. What he may think he'll be doing after bootcamp may not be what happens.

I also wouldn't move anywhere without a ring AND a date at the VERY LEAST.

THis thread has some interesting insight on miltiary relationships as well: http://www.greekchat.com/gcforums/sh...light=military

Thanks KSUViolet. I actually read over that thread somewhat yesterday..yay for search! Lol.

I think the fact that the military is so unpredictable is what is making me crazy..I kind of like to know what is going to happen in my own life! I actually have accepted this more than the bf has..I'm more realistic.

And yes, the ring is a must, and I have a date set in my mind that I've been wanting for while

Educatingblue · #8 06-11-2009, 05:57 PM

Call me old fashioned, but I have never been an advocate of people moving in together...maybe right before the wedding, but that's it. I just feel like moving in makes one or both of you complacent in the relationship and really no reason to move forward.

As AOII mentioned, if you are going to move, I would not move until you have a ring AND a date...and really you should wait as close to the wedding as possible if you are going to get married.

On the other hand, if you are OK with the moving in thing (everyone shouldn't be married) and will have no regrets in 10 years when you are still just living together and not married, then go for it...

AOII_LB93 · #9 06-11-2009, 10:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Educatingblue

Call me old fashioned, but I have never been an advocate of people moving in together...maybe right before the wedding, but that's it. I just feel like moving in makes one or both of you complacent in the relationship and really no reason to move forward.

As AOII mentioned, if you are going to move, I would not move until you have a ring AND a date...and really you should wait as close to the wedding as possible if you are going to get married.

On the other hand, if you are OK with the moving in thing (everyone shouldn't be married) and will have no regrets in 10 years when you are still just living together and not married, then go for it...

I completely agree with everything you said Eblue....if you're okay with not being married, then don't get married. I don't have a problem with that as long as it's truly what both people in the relationship want. I've seen a lot of people of both sexes just go for what the other person wants because they know it's the only way to keep their SO around....kinda sad really.

twinkle555 · #10 06-12-2009, 02:18 AM

I wasn't planning on moving in with my boyfriend, but I was living at home with my parents and younger brother who I never got along with. I finally just had to move out on a whim one night b/c my bro and I got into a fist fight and I just couldn't take it anymore. I guess I just stuck with it b/c it was easier living with my bf than my insane brother.

I defintely want to get married. I will NOT move anywhere without a ring and he knows this.

KSUViolet06 · #11 06-12-2009, 01:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by twinkle555

I wasn't planning on moving in with my boyfriend, but I was living at home with my parents and younger brother who I never got along with. I finally just had to move out on a whim one night b/c my bro and I got into a fist fight and I just couldn't take it anymore. I guess I just stuck with it b/c it was easier living with my bf than my insane brother.

I defintely want to get married. I will NOT move anywhere without a ring and he knows this.

Um, what?

VandalSquirrel · #12 06-12-2009, 04:51 PM

If it comes down to a ring and no set date (because you don't have the money for deposits and a wedding due to a ring purchase) a ring isn't required. Lots of people never get engagement rings, or you could select something less expensive, such as a birth stone, so you can have both. The engagement ring isn't the be all end all, and it doesn't matter if all you have is a ring and no wedding or marriage because you're broke. I didn't wear my ring most of my engagement and it didn't make me any less engaged as we had set dates and planned a wedding before moving in together.

twinkle555 · #13 06-13-2009, 02:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

Um, what?

Yep. Not much else I can say about that...although I enjoyed living with my bf a whole lot better. I know, its a strange way to just move out, but I couldn't focus...

twinkle555 · #14 06-13-2009, 02:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VandalSquirrel

If it comes down to a ring and no set date (because you don't have the money for deposits and a wedding due to a ring purchase) a ring isn't required. Lots of people never get engagement rings, or you could select something less expensive, such as a birth stone, so you can have both. The engagement ring isn't the be all end all, and it doesn't matter if all you have is a ring and no wedding or marriage because you're broke. I didn't wear my ring most of my engagement and it didn't make me any less engaged as we had set dates and planned a wedding before moving in together.

Yea..I can understand this..we'll see what happens..but I can see where you're coming from.

AnatraAmore · #15 06-27-2009, 05:30 PM

Something else to think about is your living arrangements where ever he ends up being stationed: whether he'll live on base or not - and whether he even has the option to live off base. A friend of mine had the unpleasant surprise of discovering that AFTER her bf of several years went through boot camp and got stationed across the country - unmarried couples are not allowed to live together on base and because of his rank, he was not allowed to live off base. It left them in quite a bind...