Is it Better to Know?

[o2bame]

A girlfriend of mine called me several weeks ago because she had suspicions that her boyfriend or 1yr was cheating on her. So she went into her "detective" mode and found out that he was secretly "talking to" another female over the internet in more than a "friendly" way (Go Figure). After she found out, she was furious and hearbroken, although, she decided not to tell him until he confessed. However, her boyfriend continues to love her unconditionally and shower her with gifts and etc and acts like he is doing nothing wrong. She asked me if she should tell him and end the 1 yr relationship of man that she really loves, or acts like she knows nothing and hopes that he would end his little internet affair.

So when a guy is cheating and you are in what you consider to be a wonderful relationship (married/nonmarried) is it better to know or not to know?

Or how about if the guy cheated and is no longer cheating should you know about the past even though it's over?
What does GC think? Holla back...


(Reminds me of the Book "The Other Women" by Eric jerome Dickey)

[reddawn18]

Though the pain will still be there, I would rather know. To me it feels like you are taking all my choices away when you don't give me a choice to make a decision in that area.

BTW, I read that book. I was like Whoa....

[msn4med1975]

I'm sorry but if you know your man is cheating on you, possibly sleeping with someone else cause I'm not clear from this scenario, then you need to go into protective mode. You don't know WHO or WHAT he's out there doing. And cheating on you in any fashion is not showing unconditional love. That's what men do when they cheat, buy you things to keep you passive and to ease their guilt. It's hard to walk away but if they are meant to be together, and she can get past his infidelity, they'll get back together eventually.

[Sistermadly]

Question:

Even though they've been dating for a year, has it been mutally agreed upon that they wouldn't see other people? Or is it just a case of assumptions being made by virtue of the time they've spent together?

It sounds kind of simplistic, but I've found that if you don't sit down and state CLEARLY what your intentions and expectations are regarding a relationship, then you'll usually end up with an unpleasant surprise.

[reddawn18]

He is still taking my choices away by cheating with someone else and not telling me about it.

I have every right to know if you are cheating on me.

Personally, I know we have all cheated or at least been tempted to do so. When I feel that I am going to cheat on someone, I have to quit the relationship. Because I think its disrespectable to cheat on someone that you claim you love.

now in the days of cyber entities, would online affairs count as cheating if you don't see the person face to face? and no bodily fluids are exchanged?

[ladylike]

In this scenario (internet cheating) I would want to know because a mental connection/affair can be more damaging to a relationship than a physical/connection affair. When feelings and emotions get involved (as it will when an emotional connection is established) it becomes easy to confuse emotional attraction with physical attraction. Once a person attracts your mind attracting the body is soon to follow.

And when it comes to physical acts of cheating I WANT TO KNOW because you are placing my health and physical well-being in danger. I need to know this so I (and my SO) can go get tested.

[TonyB06]

It's always better to know.

But it's not clear from the narrative whether they were an "exclusive" couple. Exclusivity, something central to a lasting relationship, shouldn't be left to assumption. Yeah, dude's actions look a bit sheisty here, but if they hadn't agreed they only wanted each other, then either is free to at least look around. His actions suggest that he wasn't as sure as the woman (your friend) was. That, by the way, is nobody's fault, it just is.

As to the internet "cheating" thing, I agree (my opinion's changed a bit in this area) with ladylike that "a mental connection/affair can be more damaging to a relationship than a physical/connection affair." As we mature we tend to look deeper in others, making it possible to connect on deeper levels -- but if you're connecting with someone other than your spouse, then "Houston, we have a problem!"

[o2bame]

Originally posted by TonyB06
It's always better to know.

But it's not clear from the narrative whether they were an "exclusive" couple. Exclusivity, something central to a lasting relationship, shouldn't be left to assumption. Yeah, dude's actions look a bit sheisty here, but if they hadn't agreed they only wanted each other, then either is free to at least look around. His actions suggest that he wasn't as sure as the woman (your friend) was. That, by the way, is nobody's fault, it just is.

As to the internet "cheating" thing, I agree (my opinion's changed a bit in this area) with ladylike that "a mental connection/affair can be more damaging to a relationship than a physical/connection affair." As we mature we tend to look deeper in others, making it possible to connect on deeper levels -- but if you're connecting with someone other than your spouse, then "Houston, we have a problem!"

Ok to clarify the situations...

From my understanding they were both in a exclusive relationship. Now I am only hearing the side of the female because she is my friend. So what they really agreed to then I will never know. She told me that they were definitely talking about marriage a lot and might I add...THEY ARE LIVING TOGETHER. My friend's predicament is, she is wondering if she should throw away a 1yr+ of a relationship with a man that she is truly in love with and has all the qualities that she desires (minus the unfaithfulness)?
She feels that if she was never snooping around then she wouldnt be caught in this predicament. So in her mind, she feels that it is better not to know.

I agree with you reddawn18, Me, myself, personally would want to know. Give me the option! And besides if there is another female that you are involve with whether it is mentally or physically that other person is taking up a space that your significant other should be occupying. Thats how i feel about.

I like what everyone is saying, i told my friend to read some of the opinions but i dont know if she is or not. but thanks for the response.

LIKE GRANDMA USED TO SAY: Girl, not facing your problems don't mean they will go away. It's just like sweeping the dirt up under the rug, just cause you dont see it no mo', dont mean the dirt aint still there.

[reddawn18]

Originally posted by o2bame
Ok to clarify the situations...

From my understanding they were both in a exclusive relationship. Now I am only hearing the side of the female because she is my friend. So what they really agreed to then I will never know. She told me that they were definitely talking about marriage a lot and might I add...THEY ARE LIVING TOGETHER. My friend's predicament is, she is wondering if she should throw away a 1yr+ of a relationship with a man that she is truly in love with and has all the qualities that she desires (minus the unfaithfulness)?
She feels that if she was never snooping around then she wouldnt be caught in this predicament. So in her mind, she feels that it is better not to know.

I agree with you reddawn18, Me, myself, personally would want to know. Give me the option! And besides if there is another female that you are involve with whether it is mentally or physically that other person is taking up a space that your significant other should be occupying. Thats how i feel about.

I like what everyone is saying, i told my friend to read some of the opinions but i dont know if she is or not. but thanks for the response.

LIKE GRANDMA USED TO SAY: Girl, not facing your problems don't mean they will go away. It's just like sweeping the dirt up under the rug, just cause you dont see it no mo', dont mean the dirt aint still there.

Okay living together... That is a far beyond the commitment of dating. And still makes the situation worse. if we all take the mental consensus of that online cheating is just as bad and the physical cheating then your girl needs to cut him loose.

This time online next time is its in person.

[Cali_Keisha]

I think it is better to know because you don't want to walk around looking and feeling stupid. The thing is nine times out of ten he will do it again. Men or should I say boys that cheat never know what they have until it's gone, plus ur friend is better then that and can find a real man that will love her and ONLY her. Take it from me, if both parties are not putting in 50% the relationship will fall apart anyways. So it is best to leave with your pride and self respect.

*That is why I can't stand that Mario Winans or Williams (whatever his name is) song "I Don't Want to Know", what in the hell, i'm listening to the words like, how re re retarded can you be?

[o2bame]

Originally posted by Cali_Keisha
*That is why I can't stand that Mario Winans or Williams (whatever his name is) song "I Don't Want to Know", what in the hell, i'm listening to the words like, how re re retarded can you be?

LOL@re re retarded. yeah i heard that song before. to expand the question would you want to know if the man/woman you were with, cheated on you in the past but was truly sorry about it and never did again. Would you want to know about it later down the road? (i hope what im asking makes sense)

[TonyB06]

Originally posted by o2bame
LOL@re re retarded. yeah i heard that song before. to expand the question would you want to know if the man/woman you were with, cheated on you in the past but was truly sorry about it and never did again. Would you want to know about it later down the road? (i hope what im asking makes sense)

(again, assuming the relationship was exclusive when the cheating went down...)

also assuming the relationship was basically on-point when the person decided to disclose, (and there were no known health issues that resulted) what would be the point of the disclosure? Love, with hard work, perhaps can be rebuilt. Trust cannot, not totally, anyway. IMO, the relationship might yet be worth fighting for, but I don't think I could ever mentally commit 100 percent like I was before the disclosure.

I'd wanna know. That way I can make a decision based on the whole truth rather than several lies.

[1savvydiva]

Yeah, I'm all for honesty. I want to be the one who makes the decision about my future. If you are lying to me, that's taking away my ability to make an informed decision. I am not in an exclusive relationship right now, yet I do have a "distraction", and I don't necessarily want to know details, but if he is 'seeing' someone else...he knows I need to know that. I will make the final decision about whether or not I want to continue in that situation. One thing I hate is a liar, and I just think that you will get more positive results and have LESS drama in your relationships if you are just honest. You don't have to worry about getting caught in a lie or trying to remember who you told what lie to.

[o2bame]

Originally posted by 1savvydiva
Yeah, I'm all for honesty. I want to be the one who makes the decision about my future. If you are lying to me, that's taking away my ability to make an informed decision. I am not in an exclusive relationship right now, yet I do have a "distraction", and I don't necessarily want to know details, but if he is 'seeing' someone else...he knows I need to know that. I will make the final decision about whether or not I want to continue in that situation. One thing I hate is a liar, and I just think that you will get more positive results and have LESS drama in your relationships if you are just honest. You don't have to worry about getting caught in a lie or trying to remember who you told what lie to.

Say that! I told my husband that if he comes to me correct and honest then I can least make a well-thought out decision. But if I catch him or find him lying then he leaves me no choice.