Respect for yourself or just stubborn??

[AXJules]

OK so this has been bothering me for awhile and I can't get an objective viewpoint. You guys might think this is totally stupid/boring but hey, I'm up and need some help.

Freshman year in college I lived in a co-ed dorm. There were only about 50 people in my hall and we were freakishly close. Other dorms like, made fun of us b/c we were all friends. Anyway the guys were all non- Greek, the girls were half and half, and we were a happy family.

Soph. year our group of friends was me, the boys, and one other sorority girl. We did everything together- that was my circle. Well one night we had a party and I got into a disagreement w/this guy I'll call *brad*, the ringleader of our group. Later that night heard a convo I shouldn't have. Basically about how they're all sick of me and my drama, didn't care if I drove in the rain and had killed myself, b/c it would be a way to get rid of me.

the next morning I left the apt and never looked back. Brad wrote me an email about how I was never to be friends with these people again, and how I should be glad I finally knew what they thought of me. (sorry this is so long!!!) Anyway I was devastated, lost all my friends, and threw myself into my sorority to make friends.

So now, here I am a year later, with new friends and a boyfriend and everything's cool.... when Brad comes up to me in one of my classes and is like, "Hey sweetie, what's up?" like nothings happened. I'm like, WTF????Haven't seen them in a year and now I have 4 classes w/him and the boys.

I have no idea what to do. My friends are like, don't be so stubborn. It's not gonna kill you to be nice to him. That's great that you guys can be friends again. My boyfriend thinks I shouldn't even waste my time giving him a response.

Has this ever happened to any of you? What did you do to handle it? Is it being grown up, or a case of immaturity????

[aggieAXO]

I tend to hold grudges so I may not have the best advice. If someone had said those horrible, hurtful words about me I would have nothing to do with them. I wouldn't be rude to them I would just keep my distance. I am like an elephant-I never forget what is done or said.

[Dionysus]

Originally posted by AXJules
I have no idea what to do. My friends are like, don't be so stubborn. It's not gonna kill you to be nice to him. That's great that you guys can be friends again. My boyfriend thinks I shouldn't even waste my time giving him a response.

Has this ever happened to any of you? What did you do to handle it? Is it being grown up, or a case of immaturity????

Yes, this has happened to me...too many times. What I did do to handle it? I just went through something very similar within last year and half too. Whenever I see them now I do say hi, but that's about it, I try to keep the relations on a associate level.

You now have your new friends and a boyfriend. There's no need to look back. Don't invite that drama back into your life. "Later that night heard a convo I shouldn't have. Basically about how they're all sick of me and my drama, didn't care if I drove in the rain and had killed myself,
b/c it would be a way to get rid of me." Wow, that made Susan Hawk from survivor look nice. Maybe, there's a tiny chance he may have changed...but I doubt it. I don't think it's worth it to see. I can't believe he had the audacity to act like nothing happened.

Keep things on a superfial level. Don't become friends with him or them, if he/they will do it once they will do it again. Yet, don't act bitter, you would not want to let them know how much it bothered you.

No, you're not being immature or stubborn.

[AOX81]

Originally posted by Dionysus
No, you're not being immature or stubborn.

Ditto. Unless any of them made an attempt to say that they are sorry or resolve the problem I'd say screw 'em. You can do much better.

[KillarneyRose]

Brad and the boys aren't even worth the amount of time it took you to type your post! You don't have to IGNORE them, but just a simple "hi" (just like you'd say to the cleaning lady or the guy who mows your lawn) will suffice.

I mean, wishing you'd get in a car accident and die????? What a bunch of a$$holes!

[Kevlar281]

You’ve moved on don’t look back now. I’m really big on forgetting about the people that have hurt me in the past but sometimes it’s not so easy to cut them out of your life. Whenever I do find myself cornered by someone who has hurt me looking for some kind of acknowledgment I will be polite and cordial and excuse myself from the conversation.

[AXJules]

Thanks to all of you who have given feedback. You can probably tell I was pretty down last night and just needed someone to be honest w/me.
AggieAXO- its so funny you said the thing about never forgetting what people say, I swear to God I have a mental inventory of like every insult I've ever received....I don't think of it as holding a grudge, but learning from past mistakes.

Today Brad had this Valentine and like some wrapped up candy/flower/ basket thingy he tried to give me in class, w/no explanation. I just told him happy V Day but I didn't think I could accept it. Then he launches into this thing about how his therapist says he has to apologize and get everything off his back so would I please take it b/c it will speed up his recovery time??? Totally bizarre, I still said no but he left it by my seat in case I "changed my mind".

<~~~~ 100th post! Wow I'm still 40,000 behind the rest of you guys.

Happy V Day everybody (or Black Friday, whichever you celebrate.)

[MTSUGURL]

Maybe it's just me being idealistic, but I don't think that's bizarre at all. The thing about speeding up his recovery time is a little wierd, but other than that... I don't think you're being immature or stubborn to not be all buddy buddy with the guy, but if he's apologizing sincerely, why would you refuse it?

Can everyone honestly say that you've never said anything that really hurt someone? I know the "have a wreck and die" is an extreme that most normal people would never go to, but never forgetting or never forgiving things that people say doesn't hurt them, it hurts you because you are the one thinking about it.

[valkyrie]

What an ass!!!!!!! He is basically saying that he's not trying to be nice to you because he's a good guy -- he's just doing it for purely selfish reasons so he can "recover" or whatever the hell he is doing. Uhhh, how are you going to "recover" through therapy if you're not being sincere and you're just trying to get everyone off your back?!

Good for you! I'm glad you stood your ground and didn't take the "gift" because if you had taken it, he probably would have felt like everything was okay and that he has resolved whatever ill will existed between the two of you.

What an ass to just come up to you and say hi as if nothing was wrong. I wouldn't have anything to do with him. And anyway, shame on him for ever saying anything bad about you! You're awesome!!!

Um, personally, i wouldn't give these people a second thought. There's nothing i can't stand more than people who are two-faced or back-stabbers. I agree with Killarny Rose, all i would give a person that did that to me is a simple 'hi' when i saw them.

For certain i would let them know by the way i act that i had no intention of being their friend again.

Originally posted by aggieAXO
I am like an elephant-I never forget what is done or said.

I'm sorry aggieAXO, but i laughed when i read this. That's right, you're like a long dead elephant, and i'll be joining you in 3 months, man, i can't wait!

[AXJules]

MTSU- that's my whole problem. If he's really feeling bad and genuinely sorry, who am I to de-rail whatever self- progress he's doing? And of course we've all said things we didn't mean.
But the thing is, (and maybe you have to know him to see this) everything is done with his best interest in mind. Who knows, maybe he just wants my notes or something. Maybe he's afraid he'll look bad in front of my friends if he acts like the shithead he really is.
Either way, my dilemma was between having a heart and saying I forgive him,, and standing my ground and being like, I have no room for you in my life. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't making the wrong decision.
I truly believe that people can make mistakes and learn from them, but in this case I just don't think he really cares. I miss the friend he used to be, but sometimes you have to be selfish, you know??

[adduncan]

Originally posted by AXJules
Either way, my dilemma was between having a heart and saying I forgive him,, and standing my ground and being like, I have no room for you in my life. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't making the wrong decision.
I truly believe that people can make mistakes and learn from them, but in this case I just don't think he really cares. I miss the friend he used to be, but sometimes you have to be selfish, you know??

It is possible to forgive someone their prior assholeness, and still not have them in your life. You can decide to forgive him, and even say so to his face, but there is no law saying that you *have* to be friends again. Sometimes a defined end point to the hurt or resentment can be helpful, to both parties. Restarting a major friendship is not required. If his "therapist" is worth the ink on his/her degree, then they'll be telling him that true apologies come with no strings attached.

The thing that I would stumble over in your situation is that "his therapist" is guiding him. There have been times I was in a relationship with someone and "the therapist" wanted to talk to me. "The therapist" said we should try this, that or the other. That was my cue to wave the hand and say "See-ya......"

Adrienne (PNAM-2003)

[justamom]

AggieAXO-I am like an elephant-I never forget what is done or said. Is this some AXO requirement?!? I'm the same way!LOL!

Some favorite lines-
"Walk tall, or baby don't walk at all."
"She don't look back, and when she goes, she's gone."

Perhaps I have to much pride, but I wouldn't even give them the time of day. Wouldn't waste my breath or a single syllable, unless it was to say something like. "We both know who you really are so let's not waste each others' time."

I agree wholeheartedly with what everyone has said.
If it's immature...so what! You don't need people like that and you know it. Just remember how happy you were before they reentered your life. I know this sounds cold, but they would be invisible to me.
Yet, I really am a very forgiving person. (Unless you screw with me or my family! )