Is it possible?

wishinhopin · #1 01-21-2003, 12:19 AM

Is it possible to go from a hookup (ie just sex/sexual activities) to a relationship? And if so (and I pray the answer is yes) then how does it happen? How does anyone end up in a relationship these days?

valkyrie · #2 01-21-2003, 12:56 AM

I think you are going to get many people on here saying no, but my answer would be ABSOLUTELY. It depends on the people.

I know there are some guys who have this weird hang up that they can't get into a relationship with a woman if they have sex right away. I think that's high B.S. because it's like he's saying he can't respect a woman for doing something that he feels perfectly fine doing himself. However, NOT ALL GUYS are like that -- and if you are talking about one who doesn't have that hang up, I would say of course it's possible.

Now, my question would be -- for how long has the hooking up been going on? My thoughts here are that it would be easier to make the transition from hookup to relationship if the hooking up hasn't been going on for a very long time. If there is a long pattern of hooking up, then I think it would be more difficult.

I'm not sure how most people get into relationships. For me, it usually involves lots of alcohol and long crazy road trips, but I'm sure there are other ways.

texas*princess · #3 01-21-2003, 04:04 PM

wishinhopin, I pm'ed you

amyzta · #4 01-21-2003, 05:17 PM

It depends on the situation, but yeah its possible. My husband and I started out as just a hook up and that was all either of us wanted at the time. Life just had other plans for us I guess!

wishinhopin · #5 01-24-2003, 05:14 AM

Hi all,

Well things have only been going on for about a month, but I really really like this guy and I don't want it to just be a physical thing. The general consensus of what I've heard is that I shouldn't talk to him about it, I should just let things progress naturally, but what if they never progress? I wish we could just have a trial run, like try being boyfriend/girlfriend for a month and see how it goes. If it works, wonderful. If not, we'll both know that we're better as we are. So confused!

AOII_LB93 · #6 01-24-2003, 09:21 PM

I know it sounds awful, but have him do all the work, meaning the calling etc....the less available you make yourself the better....it worked for me, and we've been together for over 3 years now. hehehe =)

KappaTarzan · #7 01-24-2003, 11:56 PM

i agree with the become less available.. worked for me too. they seem to pay more attention that way

Rio_Kohitsuji · #8 01-25-2003, 01:36 PM

Well, it happened to me

We got drunk one night...yada yada yada...and we've been together for over 16 months now..

justamom · #9 01-26-2003, 10:18 AM

Do you REALLY want to know the answer to your question?

As you see from the other posts, sometimes-SOMETIMES-it can work out. However...

What is it YOU want out of this relationship, forever after? Or, do you just want "A" relationship? You have defined this so far as a sexual relationship with your actions. Do you want more, would HE want more? There is only one way to find out. STOP IT! (Unless being in Limbo is more enticing than the reality of a deeper connection.) You are handing out what he wants with no commitment from him. What has HE invested compared to the emotional investment you have made? While you are "happy" with this status quo, you are ignoring and missing out on numerous young men who may have an interest or COULD have an interest for something more permanent. How will you ever know if your days of hooking up are turning into weeks and weeks into months?
If you tell him that you are obviously very attracted to him, but that you don't feel comfortable with the direction your situation is going, you will find out pretty fast what his real feelings are...unless he's a liar and wants to keep stringing you along for his own pleasure-not unheard of you know.
AOII_LB93-I know it sounds awful, but have him do all the work, meaning the calling etc....the less available you make yourself the better....it worked for me, and we've been together for over 3 years now. hehehe =) This is probably the least "threatening" way to go about it if you don't have the confidence/courage to "point blank" him. Many on this board are much more liberal sexually than I ever dreamed of being. Still, you don't know how HE was raised and believe me, morality is one of those things that is ingrained and though it may take a vacation for a while, it will return. So, you will be addressing all his baggage from his upbringing. When you jump into sex without
some concrete foundation, things get confusing and it is USUALLY the girl who is drained emotionally, because of the uncertainty of where she really stands. Yes, it CAN work-does work for some. How much time (how MANY times) do YOU want to spend figuring out if it will work for you?

James · #10 01-26-2003, 01:59 PM

A wise answer Justamom. . .

I am trying to think like a guy right now.

The biggest factor is just how much he likes you or will like you if you spend more time together.

Si instead of talking right now, I would do a modified versions of the girls advice . . . spend a little more time with him or talking to him over the next week, and then get a little scarce. Give him a better taste and then take it away.

I don't mean avoid exactly, and not for longer than a few days really, but miss an event that you would both normally be at and be out of the apartment when he calls.

Quote:

Originally posted by justamom
Do you REALLY want to know the answer to your question?

As you see from the other posts, sometimes-SOMETIMES-it can work out. However...

What is it YOU want out of this relationship, forever after? Or, do you just want "A" relationship? You have defined this so far as a sexual relationship with your actions. Do you want more, would HE want more? There is only one way to find out. STOP IT! (Unless being in Limbo is more enticing than the reality of a deeper connection.) You are handing out what he wants with no commitment from him. What has HE invested compared to the emotional investment you have made? While you are "happy" with this status quo, you are ignoring and missing out on numerous young men who may have an interest or COULD have an interest for something more permanent. How will you ever know if your days of hooking up are turning into weeks and weeks into months?
If you tell him that you are obviously very attracted to him, but that you don't feel comfortable with the direction your situation is going, you will find out pretty fast what his real feelings are...unless he's a liar and wants to keep stringing you along for his own pleasure-not unheard of you know.
AOII_LB93-I know it sounds awful, but have him do all the work, meaning the calling etc....the less available you make yourself the better....it worked for me, and we've been together for over 3 years now. hehehe =) This is probably the least "threatening" way to go about it if you don't have the confidence/courage to "point blank" him. Many on this board are much more liberal sexually than I ever dreamed of being. Still, you don't know how HE was raised and believe me, morality is one of those things that is ingrained and though it may take a vacation for a while, it will return. So, you will be addressing all his baggage from his upbringing. When you jump into sex without
some concrete foundation, things get confusing and it is USUALLY the girl who is drained emotionally, because of the uncertainty of where she really stands. Yes, it CAN work-does work for some. How much time (how MANY times) do YOU want to spend figuring out if it will work for you?

sororitygirl2 · #11 01-26-2003, 09:51 PM

Why not hang out without hooking up? I mean, don't show up at his house at 2 a.m. and refuse to give it to him, but just ask him to hang out sometime or do something fun (NOTHING romantic or date-y that might scare him).

And, I definitely agree with having a life of your own and not running at his beck and call. People always want what they can't have!

wishinhopin · #12 01-26-2003, 11:03 PM

I know you're all right about all of this and it's so depressing. Why buy the cow right? Of course I didn't mean to get attatched, of course I thought it was going to be just a rebound thing, but of course things changed. And now I don't know how to deal. Making myself scarce is tough because we're both busy people, so we don't exactly see eachother every day as it is. And he's SO considerate and SO sweet but SO many guys seem like that but then freak at the possibility of comitment. I guess my main problem is that I really truly hate the concept of playing games- it irritates me to no end when people aren't honest with their intentions and their hopes in a situation. But it seems like being honest with guys tends to freak them out. I'm not talking about being honest like, "wow, we've only known eachother for a few days but I can see myself marrying you". That's just wierd. I'm talking about situations like me and a guy dating for a month, two months, etc, and then discussing with him what's going on and having him freak out at the mere term of dating. I always thought that if you were going to the movies and meeting eachothers friends and hanging out all the time romantically then you're dating but apparently in the mind of every guy I'm with that's just not the case. God I sound bitter. But honestly, so I can't be straight up with him because it might freak him out, but I'm shitty at playing games, so I'm probably just going to mess things up and then I won't need to worry about all of this. Can you tell I'm feeling sorry for myself?

Anyway, thank you for the advice, I'd love to hear even more...

FiReKraCkEr · #13 01-27-2003, 12:07 AM

This really isn't advice, just me ranting....

It's funny, my Freshmen year I did the "hook up" thing and really didn't think twice about it. I wasn't a slut or easy, I just enjoyed the partying lifestyle. It was like I was using boys and alchohol to cover up all the hurt I had...

Now, I'm older, wiser, and honestly I respect myself.

However, in your situation.....I would try to build a friendship with him, where he respects you as a women. Males have a harder time hurting girls they repect. And don't push the issue. You want things to come naturally, especially if ya'll have already hooked up. So, just be the wonderful, beautiful, but REAL YOU and he'll come around.

And if he doesn't, F**K him

Ivory

sororitygirl2 · #14 01-27-2003, 12:34 AM

Okay, now that I've heard a little more, your situation sounds somewhat familiar (you know, a "friend of mine" was in a similar one... or something).

Anyway, if you two could work under other circumstances, then it can work. But, if all you have is physical chemistry and no friendship, respect, matching ideals, etc... then don't count on it.

Again, I'll say... just hang out, be friends (as much as you can) and see what happens.

Hootie · #15 01-28-2003, 03:27 PM

I was in a similar situation this past Winter. This friend of mine and I decided to get involved (physically) and before doing so we set some ground rules. One of the things we decided on is that we would like to be together (as a couple) but the timing is off (he's away at school and I'm here at home). So having that initial conversation made our ability to jump from "hook-up" to "relationship". We're still talking and things are fine. I don't want to jinx it so I won't say much more other than I enjoy his company when he's around and I have feelings for him. But all he knows is that we aren't going to worry about things...for now.
So you can do the adult thing and just bring it up, or ride it out and see what sort of signs he gives you. Often it depends on how well you know the person. In my case the guy is a friend and has been one for some time now.

Best of luck! I hope that things work out for you - it'd really be nice to have a Valentine huh!!??