Is he too cheap?

[cuaphi]

Okay, here's a sticky situation. Got a call from a friend today who has a problem. She was using her boyfriend's computer (don't know why, didn't ask) and stumbled across a link saved in his browser for what appears to be her engagement ring. Good news in and of itself and Valentine's Day is coming right up. The problem is that it's a really cheap ring ($650 for the engagement and band set) despite the fact that he makes about $40K per year, it's much more garish than the simple little solitaire she'd always wanted and (I think this is the worst part actually) it looks like he's buying it from a picture on a website instead of even going to a store.

Two questions: Is it wrong to be disappointed with your engagement ring? Furthermore, is there any way to express your disappointment without sounding like a horrid, horrid person?

I need a wider variety of perspective here. Personally I think she could do better than this guy anyway but I'm trying to be supportive. So, what do you think?

[valkyrie]

Oh, that's awful.

Now, I don't mean that because I think that guys should always go out and spend a fortune on a ring. I don't think that a ring should have to be outrageously expensive at all, although I have to admit that I am thinking that that is a really cheap ass ring. Sorry, but it's true. I mean, buy what you can afford, but dude can probably afford something much nicer.

However, the real tragedy here as I see it is that he is buying her a ring that is not her style, and that it doesn't seem that he has consulted her as to what type of ring she would like. Of course, it is *sort of* romantic for a guy to pick out an engagement ring all on his own. However, if he is going to do this, he should at least do some research -- like, ask her what she likes. He could even be subtle about it so as not to ruin it. That said, I really think that the selection of an engagement ring should be something that a couple does together. Yes, he's buying it, but she's the one that's going to be wearing it for (maybe) the rest of her life, especially if it is intended to be worn with the wedding band.

If she really intends to marry this guy, I think that she should try to somehow bring up a discussion of engagement rings before he actually gives her one. It's probably much, much easier to make a change before he gives it to her than it would be after.

Of course, it may not be her ring at all. Maybe he saved the link to mess with her and he's really planning to get something amazing.

[librasoul22]

LOL. This is wrong on so many levels.

1. She looked at a link on his computer and saw her engagement ring. NOSY. I know this is going to be a point of contention, kind of like checking your significant other's voicemail, caller id, etc. But still. If she wasn't being nosy, she wouldn't have come across the ring and she wouldn't have anything to worry about (until he proposed to her, lol).

2. Cheap at $650? And he only makes 40k a year?? What do you expect that man to do, shell out an entire car note and house note when he is barely making it as it is?? 40k is NOT that much. And for an engagment ring, I am SURE that $650 can buy something that doesn't look "cheap".

3. Ok, so the ring is ugly. Have your friend and this guy ever taked about marraige before? Or is this supposed to be a big surprise? If they have talked about it, tell your friend to approach the subject of ring shopping with him and how she would rather go together so they can pick out something they both like. If it is supposed to be a surprise, whoo-hoo she ruined it! lol

[SATX*APhi]

Well, I wouldn't jump to any conclusion. Perhaps he is interested in taking the photo to a jeweler because he was interested in some aspect of the ring.

[juniorgrrl]

$650 is exceptionally cheap for a guy making $40K/year. That's exactly what my boy makes and the rings he said were in his price range were about $6500+

If you consider that a platinum setting should cost, at most $300, that's leaving $350 for a stone. That doesn't buy you too much of a diamond. It's probably one of those rings that has the "pave" look, except its a million tiny diamonds that equal one carat total.

I don't know the guy's total financial situation, but if he's young and doesn't have too many expenses (my guy lives at home and his car note is only $300/month), it sounds like he's skimping for a quick-fix engagement.

How much you spend on a ring doesn't equal love. But it does show the level of commitment a guy has for you when he takes the time to know what you like, your tastes, and whether or not he's willing to take a little bit of a financial hit for you. If he's buying himself stuff left and right, and then doing this, then, yeah, its really cheap.

If she was looking at his bookmarks, that's not really that nosy- maybe she was looking for a site she knew he had bookmarked. If he was worried about her finding it, he could have kept it hidden. Come Christmas and anniversary time, my boy and I are very careful about all that, because we use each other's computers.

[texas*princess]

I personally don't think your friend should worry about it just yet. What if he didn't buy the ring? He could have possibly just been looking to see what some places had to offer and bookmarked a place he thought was interesting.

It's always better to go to the store (and take a good friend of the bride-to-be [that can keep a secret]to make sure you get something she likes)-- to make sure the diamond is perfect

I don't really think it matters how much he spends.. but that's just my opinion.

[Rio_Kohitsuji]

*shakes head and sighs* Girls, girls, girls.

If she truely loves this man, it shouldn't matter how much the ring will cost. PS...40k still isn't that much when you're young and trying to pay bills and paying back school loans. (If that's the case) Or this could just be a 'starter ring'...I know that when me and Mr.TKE209 get engaged it'll be a small ring..then..when we're together longer I'll get the ring I -really- want.

[valkyrie]

Originally posted by TKE209Sweethrt
If she truely loves this man, it shouldn't matter how much the ring will cost.

On the other hand, if he truly loves her, I would think that he would put more time and effort into picking out a ring so that he could be sure that it is something she will like. If he just picks out something off the internet that she doesn't like, that could be an indication that he is not in tune with her in general, kind of like the time I was dating a guy in college and he got me a gold necklace for my birthday, and I NEVER wore gold. That relationship ended soon after -- of course not because of the necklace, but because I guess we really didn't "get" each other and that was just one instance of that becoming apparent.

I think also that there are plenty of women out there (myself included) who don't like the idea of a "starter" ring. To me, the engagement ring is a symbol of the relationship and is not something that I would want to just trade in later for something "better" -- I would want the best that I can get and keep it "forever."

Of course, now that I think about it more, it all depends on the people involved. When I got engaged (a long time ago) I wanted the biggest, most perfect, impressive ring I could possibly get, and I got it. It was a struggle financially but I loved it. Now, if I ever get engaged again, I really wouldn't care so much about the ring, and I might not even want one at all (I'm a little bothered by the traditional symbolism of engagement rings). I would, however, want to design my own wedding band, and it would have to be something very beautiful and symbolic. However, if a certain type of ring is important to a woman, I think that the guy should do what he can to get something that would make her happy while not causing him too much financial strain.

[damasa]

Originally posted by juniorgrrl
$650 is exceptionally cheap for a guy making $40K/year. That's exactly what my boy makes and the rings he said were in his price range were about $6500+

Take into account the guy could be in hella debt and 40k a year isn't really all that much if you think about it all. He may live by himself in a pricey apartment? There are a million things that could factor into it all.

$6500+ on a 40k a year salary? After you factor in what the government takes from you, that could come out to almost 1/4 of his take hom pay. Is that the price range he feels he should spend on you or is that the price range of a ring you would like? I think I recall you describing a Tiffany's engagement ring, I could be mistaken.

Maybe he's just plain broke but still loves her and wants to marry her? He could buy another ring in the future, when he can afford it.

I hate to say it but some women should feel happy/lucky by simply getting a ring.

My rant of the day...

[lovelyivy84]

I agree. I live in NYC and sorry but 40k is just about enough to live decently if you have no kids, no car and no loans. Add in any of those things and you are struggling.

This is all come about because this girl was nosey. She does not know what is going on at all. If she had minded her business this would not be a problem.

Originally posted by damasa


$6500+ on a 40k a year salary? After you factor in what the government takes from you, that could come out to almost 1/4 of his take hom pay. Is that the price range he feels he should spend on you or is that the price range of a ring you would like? I think I recall you describing a Tiffany's engagement ring, I could be mistaken.

[sugar and spice]

But most people don't live in NYC . . . and in smaller -- generally less expensive -- cities, $40,000 goes a lot further than it will in NYC.

[justamom]

librasoul22 LOVED your answer!

OK-some of you know this, but Hubby did NOT buy me a diamond!
I have a band. Oh cry me a river....he doesn't LOVE me! HA!
Had to get the sarcasm out of the way.

It sounds like she's embarrassed about the ring, perhaps more concerned about what others will think.
I have to go along wth the crowd though and say 650 is a vey LOW amount to pay for a diamond ring. Yet, maybe it IS all he can afford. Believe it or not, some people don't LIKE to carry debt.
Has he ever skimped on her before?

Now from a Mother's perspective-That cheap a$$ boy better not give you some piece of junk!

Maybe he really doesn't have a clue about engagement rings and
honestly thinks the set is beautiful! Let's at least give him the benefit of the doubt. Besides, if SHE really loves HIM, it shouldn't matter. There may be lots of diamonds for her in the future. It would be a shame to lose the REAL "jewel" over somthing like this.

[James]

OH my, loved your answer Librasoul. Good for you girl!

And I think Justamom may have hit the nail on the head. The engagement ring is something showed off, and obviously she doesn't want to show off what she considers an inferior ring.

Is that shallow or normal?

And Valkyrie with the surprisingly girly answer that the ring should be financially more significant. A surprise!

Now for the true fact: She is screwed!

She snooped on his computer. It takes a bit of effort to go to a book mark. She came to a conclusion and now she is upset. If she is like most people she will sit there and dwell on it making herself unhappy and putting a cancer in her relationship.

This is no small thing to her. This is forever after! I love it! She and he will suffer because she went where she shouldn't have and jumped to a conclusion without asking him.

If she wants to salvage anything she should probably make an innocent comment about finding a link on the computer . . . or immediately show him some magazine with the type of rings she actually likes (as well as their price tags ;p) otherwise this might be a real problem later, because as others have pointed out, there are a lot of assumptions here.

PS. If a girl I was dating seriously reacted this way. I would drop her. Even if it was a misunderstanding, and that wasn't the ring I was looking at for her.

[DeltaSigStan]

Thanks for just reinforcing what Joe Millionaire has proven.

[valkyrie]

Originally posted by James
And Valkyrie with the surprisingly girly answer that the ring should be financially more significant. A surprise!

Yeah, well. I can be a girly girl sometimes. You should see what I spend on makeup and handbags!