what have i done....?

[LuaBlanca]

Although, I'm pretty much AGAINST asking complete strangers for advice, I have a certain situation that needs input from outside sources...I need opinions from people who don't know any details, just the logistics...after reading some of the advice I have seen posted on GC, I feel pretty confident in asking for anyone's input- so please- reply.....I need help!

Well *big breath* ...

I've been dating this guy for about a year and a half. The relationship is WAAY more intense than I'd like it to be, and he's rather posessive and demanding. (ex. He hates the fact that I have "celebrity crushes" on Matthew Broderick and Kenneth Branagh. I never tell him I love him enough, I never kiss him enough, I'm not in a good enough mood for him, etc.) He wasn't always this way, well, he HAS been insecure for his whole life, but he's never been like this with ME until recently: when he found out he was moving across the country.
I've put up with mood swings, a REALLY scary temper (he's never hit me, but one time we got in a fight and he wanted one of my friends to talk to me so he grabbed her arm so tightly it left bruises...which was really scary), and just really being made to feel really crappy, like nothing I can do will be good enough for him.
He used to be absolutely perfect though, (aside from the insecurity) and I really miss that side of him. But anyway, we've been getting into huge and serious fights lately, and I decided that I'm sick of it. I broke up with him yesterday, but today, I'm a wreck. People have told me he's miserable, he's crying, he's sad, and it kills me to know that I'm causing someone so much pain. I really do love him, but the OLD him. I don't know what to do because I've told him how I feel SO many times, and he just hasn't changed. He'll stop for like, a week, and then he'll get all demanding and moody again and I hate it.
He's moving away on Jan.27th, and I want to be on good terms (whether or not we get back together, which I'm not sure of yet...) It basically comes down to not being able to tell if the good outweighs the bad....I have no clue......

I know that this was long...and if you made it to then end you rock, thanks

If anyone has something to say, please, I really need to hear something from someone....anyone!!!

-Sarah

[valkyrie]

Sarah, I think you absolutely did the right thing by breaking up with him. It sounds like he has started going down a path, and once he starts that it won't stop. I'm seeing red flags all over the place, and the truth is I think that this guy could VERY EASILY end up being abusive in the future, either to you or to someone else.

He has made you feel like crap and has treated you badly and you did what was best for YOU, which was break up with him. I wouldn't even listen to people who tell you how miserable he is -- cut them off when they start to talk about it. It is NOT YOUR PROBLEM that he is miserable. It is the logical consequence of his action -- he treats someone like crap, and once that person gets smart and kicks his butt to the curb, it is going to hit him HARD. But like I said, it is not your problem. Most importantly, you need to remember that YOU are not causing HIM pain at all! He caused it himself by treating you the way he did. He caused himself pain, not you. Don't blame yourself!

As for you, of course it is going to be hard for a while, but don't let the fact that it is hard make you go back to him. Believe me, after a break up it gets easier, but the only thing that makes it so is TIME. You need time to heal and time to chill and time to just pay some attention to yourself. Pamper yourself -- go to a spa or for a run or shopping or read a good book -- just do stuff that you like to do. You need to take extra good care of yourself now. This is YOU time.

He is moving away anyway. I understand your desire to be on good terms with him, but in reality that is not important. You don't need to be on good terms with him. You do not need to ever speak to him, at least not for now because it would be too easy for him to say the sugary sweet things he thinks he needs to say to get you back. Don't fall for it. He can be sweet and charming once he thinks he's lost you, but if you go back to him it will be more of the same. He is going to dedicate himself to trying to say what you want to hear to get you back if you spend even one minute with him, so I would suggest that you just stay away. If you didn't think the relationship was good enough to stay in now, when you're both there, it would only be worse after he moves away.

Whatever you do, though, remember that we are all here for you!!!

{{{{Hugs}}}}

[Peaches-n-Cream]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. As I read your post, I thought that these are the warning signs or red flags of a potentially abusive partner. I think that you have done the right thing. He has a lot of issues which one of these days could have become a serious problem for you. You can never hug, kiss, or say "I love you!" enough to a person like this because it will never be enough. He will need constant reassurance and it will take its toll on you. Actually, it seems as thought it already has.

[Hootie]

Although your head is telling you to see him, I suggest against that idea. I know many people who do the "breaking up" always feel that it's easier said than done when it comes to "staying friends". It isn't always easy. Although seeing him may show him you care, it could also confuse him or hurt worse. When ever I've been on the other side of the breakup, I know the WORST thing for me would be to SEE the person that just broke up with me...it's like pouring salt into the wound.

At any rate, I think you were wise to leave him. He sounds like he's on a quick path to self distruction should the relationship have continued.

Good luck !

[adduncan]

I agree w/ everyone's post.

I had a relationship like this too in the past. He will NOT change. If anything, his controlling behaviour will escalate eventually into full-blown physical abuse. What he is doing to you right now is the precursor: emotional abuse. He is degrading you with the goal of making you think that he is the only one who wants you. If he wins, you will be paralyzed and escape will be that much harder when the physical abuse begins. And it will.

Cut him off. For the time being, he does NOT exist. He's not looking out for your best interest, therefore, YOU have to look out for YOU.

{{{}}} Best of luck. Do NOT give in to the temptation to see him. The beating that your psyche will take is not worth it.

Adrienne

[James]

Disclaimer: I have only heard your side of this lol.

You can tell a lot about a person by how they handle the lows and highs of life. In fact you really don't know someone until you see them under those conditions. The worse the better.

Almost everyone is going to be pretty good when things are going well or average. So if they are miserable, moody or snippy when things are normal you should run as fast as you can.

The highs and lows tend to exagerate traits that are always present. This guy is insecure and probably always had control issues, they may just not have seemed as bad before. Under stress they come out a lot more.

It gives you an insight into his character, because these things don't get better with time they get worse.

Anyway. Over has to be over. Think getting over addiction. If you go cold turkey you feel really bad for a while, then less bad, but its eventually out of your life.

If you keep going back to your addiction you just get to keep prolonging feeling bad for a much longer time with even more pain, because the good highs won't be there anymore.

So call block the persons number, screen your calls, block their IM's and every other conceivable way hey could contact you. Also forbis your friends to mention him in your presence. Most friends are ghouls anyway that bond through tragedy.

And if you keep in contact with him stop bitching and complaining. There is nothing more boring in life than someone that is unable to stick toa good decision.

[AXOLiz]

I'm NOT saying under any circumstances that you should be the one to get him to do this, but it is possible for him to change IF he wants to get help.

Some of these points struck a chord with me..and without going into too much detail, because of various reasons, I've been super-insecure my entire life. I dealt with it fairly well until my senior year of college - or at least I thought I handled it well. I turned to alcohol, food, you name it to shut up the insecurities temporarily, but no one else really knew I had a problem. This past year, however, with graduating from college, trying and then not going to law school, having my friends move away, trying to find a job, adjusting to the new job, seeing coworkers laid off, moving back home, having serious problems with my close friends, losing weight and having people treat me differently, etc added to my normal insecurities - which were no longer kept quiet through food and alcohol (part of the weight loss) - I basically lost it. I entered nervous breakdown land, and I'm VERY surprised that my friends who knew stuck around. I'd start crying for no reason, I'd get paranoid that my friends were all going to up and leave me, and so on and so on.

All the stress just pushed me to a breaking point, but I saw what it was doing to my friends and my family and I went out and got help (even though, once I calmed down, I didn't think I needed it and repeated this over and over to my therapist). I feel awful when I think of how it affected everyone, and I still have the occasional issue to this day and flip out about something ridiculous. But, as my best friend said, she can't really get too mad at me because I'm working through my problems and I'm getting help, so while I might slip up sometimes, it's going to happen along the way.

As I said earlier, I'm NOT saying you should try to help him yourself. He's too far gone for you to help him right now. But coming from someone who's been there...chances are, if he was a great boyfriend, although slightly insecure, before, he could potentially be a great friend or boyfriend again if he gets a handle on what's causing his behavior. If he wants to get better, he can and he will, but he HAS to do it for himself. If he starts getting help - or even takes the first step and admits he needs help - it'll be rocky, but if you decide then that the good outweighs the bad and you can handle sticking through the very hard times that come with dealing with issues, it is possible that things could go back to how they used to be. Hell, it'd probably be 100 times better if he gets a handle on his insecurities.

Until and unless that happens, cold turkey it. With that temper, it'd be unsafe for you to be around him right now.

But you also shouldn't feel bad if you don't want to take off running when someone you care about had issues that surfaced. That's part of the stigma associated with mental illness - that it's a character problem and a weakness and you should stay away. Having insecurities or a disorder or a chemical imbalance or whatever isn't a weakness or a lack of character, it's how you deal with the problem that matters. And if he can realize he has a problem and gets help, that shows a lot of strength.

[AchtungBaby80]

Anyway, LuaBlanca, I agree with what everyone has said, especially Hootie--do not see him. It will only prolong the awkwardness and make him think that he has a chance, thus he will keep bothering you and himself. You could have been me a couple of years ago, and now I know that it's just better to cut those strings than to try to be "friends" with him, because it honestly sounds as though this guy could be bad news. Listen to Cream--I wish I'd had someone tell me that, instead of thinking it was my fault (which, contrary to what Imthechump believes, is not true). He probably blames you for all his problems, but if your side of the story is accurate you are definitely not in the wrong. Don't let him con you into giving you his sympathy, because that's what people like him do--they draw people in with their sob stories so that you feel sorry for them and want to help them, and then before you know it they drain you emotionally. Just get away. Maybe it's good that he's moving across country, because then you know he won't be just popping up in random places where you happen to be and hiding outside your dorm.

[FuzzieAlum]

Of course he's upset at being dumped. I mean, does anyone enjoy it? Even if you're secretly relieved you were dumped because the relationship sucked, you're still pissed off that you were the dumpee instead of the dumper. So - callous as it sounds - why should your decision change because he's unhappy? You can't go through your whole life never ending a relationship because the other person might be upset. Quite frankly, he's showing no concern for the fact he was making you unhappy - so why should you show him any?

[aephi alum]

You did the right thing by breaking up with him. It seems that he may have some issues that he needs to work through, and he may or may not be prepared to do that right now.

Meantime, selfish as it sounds, you have to do what's right for you, not him. Stay away from him for now. You've broken up with him, and he needs to understand that.

Take care.

[LuaBlanca]

Thank you, all of you, who replied!! All of my friends have been saying similar things, even people whom I really didn't know have said them.
I guess sometimes being the "dumper" is just as bad as being the "dumpee."
I don't want to leave him all alone as he goes through this tumultous time in his life (ie, the big move across the country) but I don't know how to do it without getting involved with him again. I don't want it to be a temptation. I can't let him leave my life forever just because we didn't work anymore in a romantic relationship. We had a friendship connection that I don't want to lose.
But still, thank you, SO MUCH, for the advice. It helped more than I think you can imagine.

-Sarah

[James]

If you were really friends in the true sense of the word you probably wouldn't be breaking up because the sexual connection is obviously still there.

Think about that.

Originally posted by LuaBlanca
Thank you, all of you, who replied!! All of my friends have been saying similar things, even people whom I really didn't know have said them.
I guess sometimes being the "dumper" is just as bad as being the "dumpee."
I don't want to leave him all alone as he goes through this tumultous time in his life (ie, the big move across the country) but I don't know how to do it without getting involved with him again. I don't want it to be a temptation. I can't let him leave my life forever just because we didn't work anymore in a romantic relationship. We had a friendship connection that I don't want to lose.
But still, thank you, SO MUCH, for the advice. It helped more than I think you can imagine.

-Sarah