My Brother, Firend, Roommate wants to leave...What can I do?

josh8o · #1 09-07-2002, 08:12 PM

I kinda need some help...
One of my brothers, who was in my pledge class and is now one of my roommates, just told me the other day that he may not be staying at sdsu. I was like when do you think you will transfer, and he told me within a week he will know and it would be immediately. He told me that he does not want to leave sdsu, but he knows that he will be able to deal with his problems better if he was living at home. He has a lot of social issues, and he doesn't think he can make it through another semester here. I have been trying to help him a lot, and I have gotten a few other guys to help out too. We make sure he is not sitting in his room alone, and we always let him know what is going on and when the party is. None of us want him to go, but we also don't know what to do.
Does anyone have any advice? How do I help him? Is there anything I can do? He knows he can stay here and complete school, but he just thinks his problems will not be such a burden at home.

pbpck · #2 09-07-2002, 08:41 PM

I don’t want to over step any boundaries as I am not sure what your friend is going through. Not being fully cognizant of the details, I am not sure that I can provide totally pertinent advice. But I’ll make an attempt.

Everyone has a point in their greek experience when they just want to DA or leave or whatever. But if his issue is mainly about social problems he is enduring, then you need to explain to him that while it’s easy to escape temporarily, he’s just cheating himself. Really drive home the issue of regret. Tell him he never wants to regret leaving just because he had a few social things to work out. Tell him he is risking so much, losing a year of college experience and memories, losing a year of random bonding, a year of growth amongst his closest friends (you and other brothers) just because a few people? Girls? Whatever is getting him down. Tell him he can go home on weekends or take some time off. But don’t throw away everything he has developed at State.

Also, he is giving up his whole SDSU life because of social uneasiness. Ask him if he had a highly lucrative job that he loved, had amazing clients, a great boss, was highly involved with the company, but didn’t get along with 1 or 2 of his co-workers, would he transfer to another job? Sorry, I'm big on analogies. The point is he is going to have to deal with people and face difficult decisions his whole life. He can’t always just escape them. He has to develop personal strength. Think about himself and his friends. The people that matter. Ask him what he wants to remember about college. About his fraternity. He only has 4 years of college. Perhaps assure him that you will be there for him no matter what the decision and so will your brothers. Tell him you just want him to be happy and not have any regrets when all is said and done.

Hope this helps!

SoCalGirl · #3 09-07-2002, 09:01 PM

I'm picking up more of a depression type of vibe. Like the guy doesn't just have some issues with a few guys or gals but problems that usually require some type of therapy.

If I'm correct then I'd say maybe he should go home for a year or so. Whatever he needs. He can go to a jc or a local college. He can always transfer back to State. The most important thing you can do is to help him understand that your not just his friend but his brother and you want what's best for him.

If this is more of a personality conflict type of thing with certain people; then he needs to suck it up. Cause in the real world you can't always run away from the people you don't get along with.

But if that is the situation, how does moving home help it? It only escapes it.

josh8o · #4 09-07-2002, 10:50 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by SoCalGirl
I'm picking up more of a depression type of vibe. Like the guy doesn't just have some issues with a few guys or gals but problems that usually require some type of therapy.

If I'm correct then I'd say maybe he should go home for a year or so. Whatever he needs. He can go to a jc or a local college. He can always transfer back to State. The most important thing you can do is to help him understand that your not just his friend but his brother and you want what's best for him.

If this is more of a personality conflict type of thing with certain people; then he needs to suck it up. Cause in the real world you can't always run away from the people you don't get along with.

But if that is the situation, how does moving home help it? It only escapes it.

yeah, he has a lot of depression issues...i know that he may be more relaxed at home, but i agree with what everyone is saying--he's gonna regret leaving all of this behind. he was gone all day, so we havent talked yet.

greekalumna · #5 09-08-2002, 08:52 AM

It also sounds to me as if your friend might be struggling with some aspects of depression. It says a lot of you and your brothers that you have tried to help him and keep him involved in activities. At this point, however, it could be very beneficial for him to talk to a school or community counselor to get a "third-party persepctive" on the situation. As others have mentioned, it might be to his benefit to take a semester or year off or to remain in school but not be as involved in the greek system for a while while he focuses on resolving these other issues.
I'll keep both of you in my thoughts and prayers.

33girl · #6 09-08-2002, 10:35 AM

Don't give up on him - keep in touch with him and let him know you are all thinking of him and he is still your brother. But if he has issues that he needs to take time off to resolve, let him do it. I'm afraid you guys will end up being surrogate parents/therapists, and that is just way too much to ask of 19-20-21 year olds.

The first step for him is admitting he does have problems and needs to get help. Just don't let him fall off the face of the earth.

Optimist Prime · #7 09-08-2002, 02:49 PM

Let him go. It sucks but if he can cope with his problems better at home then that is where he should be.

aggieAXO · #8 09-08-2002, 06:47 PM

Sounds like what my brother went through when he was away at college-he finally had to come home and get help-therapy and medication. You need to let him go, hopefully he will get help not only from his parents but also professionally. When you are depressed no matter how much help youir friends give you and are there for you the sadness doesn't just disappear/resolve.

Rudey · #9 09-08-2002, 07:31 PM

Why don't you recommend he talk to someone who has training instead of taking advice from random people on the internet?

-Rudey
--I say just give him morphine...it helps kill the pain.

dzrose93 · #10 09-08-2002, 08:06 PM

Josh,

I'm really sorry to hear about your brother.

From what you've said, it seems like his problems are running rather deep and there may be little that you can do at this point to help him. Depression is a serious issue, and it may be better for your friend to return home for a while so that his family is in a position to care for him and, hopefully, help him seek professional help if necessary.

My advice would be to make sure that he knows that you and the rest of the chapter will support him, regardless of what decision he makes. Let him know that you will be there for him no matter how many miles separate you, and that if he does decide to return home for a while that he will always be welcomed back with open arms when/if he comes back to school. If he does leave, make sure that you stay in touch regularly so that he knows that you and the other brothers have him in your thoughts. A phone call can make a world of difference when you haven't seen someone in a while.

Good luck, and please keep us updated. I hope that things work out for him.

josh8o · #11 09-08-2002, 11:32 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Rudey
Why don't you recommend he talk to someone who has training instead of taking advice from random people on the internet?

-Rudey
--I say just give him morphine...it helps kill the pain.

fuck you buddy...have some god damn compassion. i'm just looking out for him.

kayla_adpi · #12 09-08-2002, 11:42 PM

josh,
i'm sorry to hear about your brother. its really hard having somebody that you are really close to thats wanting to leave. i have a couple of sorority sisters who are new but there problems are a little different. they are simply really really homesick but kind of like what you and your brothers have done we have all stepped up and tried to make them want to stay. the best advice i can give you is to keep doing what you are doing. just hang out together and go places together to get his mind off of things. and if you can get him to talk to you about whats going on then that would also be good because then you might find other ways to help. i'm sorry thats probably not much help but i do think it is great that you are such a caring person and you are really showing the true side of brotherhood.

Rudey · #13 09-09-2002, 12:02 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by josh8o

fuck you buddy...have some god damn compassion. i'm just looking out for him.

When you're done being the compassionate good guy, you'll realize that me telling you to recommend he see someone that is trained to help him deal with his problems is probably the best option.

-Rudey
--I love you buddy

josh8o · #14 09-09-2002, 02:01 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Rudey

When you're done being the compassionate good guy, you'll realize that me telling you to recommend he see someone that is trained to help him deal with his problems is probably the best option.

-Rudey
--I love you buddy

we all know that he needs to talk to someone, and he has been...but when you tell me to stop taking advice from random people on the Internet like I'm trying to cure him myself, or that he should just take morphine I get a little offended. I started this thread because I was trying to see what other GCers could offer in a situation like this...possibly from their experiences.
I'm sorry if I came off a little defensive but how would you feel?

dzrose93 · #15 09-09-2002, 10:33 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by josh8o
I started this thread because I was trying to see what other GCers could offer in a situation like this...possibly from their experiences.

Josh,

I already posted here once, but this situation really strikes a chord with me, so I wanted to mention a couple of other things.

About a year and a half ago, my roommate committed suicide. I knew that he was upset about some things going on in his life, but I never for a minute thought that he was capable of killing himself. The thing is, he never asked for help from anyone -- he just started isolating himself from his friends and dealt with things on his own. As a result, he just became more and more depressed. Finally, one night when I was out with one of my sisters, he got drunk and killed himself.

My point in telling you this story is that sometimes we don't know how badly a person is hurting inside, and that your friend may have much bigger problems than you and your chapter are able to assist with. I would definitely encourage him to go home if you think that his family will be able to get him some help. And be sure to check up on him regularly, so that you can reinforce to him that you care and that you won't allow him to distance himself from his friends.

Until he does go home, I would really encourage you to keep him from drinking if possible. (That's tough in college - I know!)

However, alcohol is a depressant, so it may cause him to feel worse than he already does and it may lead to some bad decisions. So, please keep an eye on him.

Fraternally,
dzrose93