For The Love Of God Help Me!!!

[Cloud9]

Ok, I post very sporadically, but I am constantly reading threads and new posts on the site. So many of you give good advice and have the wisdom of vast experience, so I'm really hoping that one of you at least can help me. This is a long and complicated problem so please bear with me.

I am now a senior. Sophomore year, I had a two suitemates, we'll call one Colleen and one Paula(fake names). All three of us became pretty good friends and hung out alot. During the winter, Colleen and I became involved in relationships. Paula remained single. That's when the problems began. Paula couldn't handle the fact that we had significant others and would constantly make rude comments about our relationships and love in general. One day, Colleen and her man were having alone time in the suite she shared with Paula and Paula came back early. There was a big row about it, Paula claimed that Colleen locked her out for "45 minutes" (I was there and it was more like 2), and went on a screaming rampage. Paula began to make verbal insults and threats whenever Colleen was in earshot(usually things like c***sucker, whore, stupid bitch, etc). In the meanwhile Paula continued to use Colleen's computer, until Colleen put a password up. Paula then screamed obscenities at Colleen, getting mighty belligerent. A bit frightened, Colleen spent that nite at her bfs, and in the morning when she returned found that Paula had chainlocked the door against her entry. A huge confrontation followed, waking me from sleep at 7 A.M., and requiring the building manager to get involved. Somehow, they were both given warnings to leave eachother the hell alone. A few days later they patched things up and it was all good, although the friendship was a little shaken.

Now all this happened in the last two weeks of school, and we had all 3 already signed up to live together the next year again. But everything was made up so it was assumed that things would be ok...

Fast forward to Junior year. This time Colleen and I were in the same room and Paula was in the suite next door. Within the first week Paula was causing problems again, coming into our room and going on hour long rants on the uselessness of relationships and how pathetic we both were for believing love existed. One evening as she berated us for a few hours, keeping us up until 4 A.M., I finally had enough and told her to stop belittiling us just because of her insecurities about relationships. She freaked out and left slamming the door. The next day it was back to psycho roomate, making comments and chaining the door, this time against me. This time we ignored her and eventually she came crawling back for our forgiveness. We granted it to her, but without our trust anymore. We felt very suspicious with her in our room, always feeling she had ulterior motives. She began trying to get me to break up with my boyfriend...the same with Colleen. We would find her chillin in our room at one of our desks when we came back from class. We began to lock the door whenever we left.

In December Colleen and I had a pow-wow and determined that it would be sadistic to live with this girl again. Maybe it was just that deal where good friends make BAD roomies and we would get along great as neighbors. We then had a discussion with Paula about it, and she agreed.

At NYU room selection is determined by a lottery, wherein students recieve numbers according to seniority(and chance). The lowest numbers pick rooms first. Colleen and I had pick #11. Paula had pick 100-something. All the week before the nite of room choosing, Paula would constantly ask us "...so, what floor do you think you guys will pick?" "...what room number are you thinking about?" It made me VERY uneasy. The nite came, and Colleen and I picked the room we wanted. When we got back, Paula came to our room and asked what room we had. Colleen, thinking there was nothing to worry about, told her. Then Paula left to choose a room.

I started to feel REALLY suspicious so I dragged Colleen downstairs and LO AND BEHOLD, she had put herself into our suite!!!! For a moment, I saw red, no, I saw MAGENTA, I couldn't believe she had done that. We went and asked her about it...I know you're all thinking we went and interrogated the girl, but I checked myself and just innocently asked her what room she was in. Her response? "I don't want to talk about it" I then informed her that we knew already, and that I didn't understand why she did it, but that it was a really bad idea for us to live together for another year. SHE WENT BUCK WILD!!! "oh my f***cking God, you're gonna kick me out of my room you bitches blahblahblah" I thought her head was gonna spin around 180 degrees, for real.

Fast forward to now. Colleen and I tried to do a room change request, and it was denied. This girl is here now, and we have just completely ignored her so far. But she continues to tell stories about us to everyone she meets. She has already tried to get the R.A. against us, and now our roomates who don't know us. I just feel so angry and uncomfortable, and it's the first week. Classes haven't even started yet, I shouldn't be this stressed. I don't know what to do, I feel like there's no one to turn to or help me out. I don't want everyone on this hall and in my suite to hate me before they even get a chance to know me. She tells the most outrageous lies. The biggest problem is that although she hasn't been able to keep any friends longer than a year, before that she seems very normal and affeable. If you have ANY advice, especially if you've been a student at NYU or a similar school, or even if not, I would be so grateful if you could help!

[madmax]

Go see the head of student life and explain how she weaseled her way into your room and demand a new roommate. You are nuts for living with her in the first place. Why would you put up with her crap for 3 years?

[Cloud9]

You don't understand the bureaucracy of NYU. It was impossible to change rooms last year because we had already signed up before mayhem broke out. But maybe you're right, I hadn't thought of Student Life as an option. I'll definitely try it!

[sororitygirl2]

Doesn't your school have an omsbudsman? I would go see him too..

[Cloud9]

what is an omsbudsman? I've never heard of that before

[valkyrie]

An ombudsman (or ombudsperson as U of Iowa calls it) is someone who helps with conflict resolution. More specifically, here's a quote, although it's from the U of Iowa website because I couldn't find the ombudsman upon quick check of the NYU site:

WELCOME
to The University of Iowa Ombudsperson's Office. The office offers informal dispute resolution for students, faculty and staff. Our mission is to see that all members of the University community are treated fairly. However, we see ourselves as much more than a complaint office; we serve as an information resource as well. The office provides a confidential, safe place to discuss any concerns you might have about the University or its policies or procedures, and we will direct you to the appropriate office for answers to your concerns. This web page will answer some general questions about the Ombud's Office and provide other resources for your perusal. We hope you will explore the various sections of the web page and that you find this information helpful.
_____

I was just checking out the NYU website, and I found this link that you might want to check out:

http://www.nyu.edu/housing/residencelife/roommates.html

There is information on that page about mediation and arbitration, either of which might be helpful to you. If you are going to prepare for eventual arbitration, you should document, document, document EVERYTHING inappropriate that Paula does -- dates, times, witnesses, any proof at all to back up your side. Maybe you could keep a log on your password protected computer.

Good luck, and keep us posted! I'm sorry you have to deal with this when you should be enjoying the start of a new school year.

[Cloud9]

Thanks so much Valkyrie! I think I'll try mediation first, maybe we can at least work out some ground rules to live by. It just really sucks, I don't know why the hell she wanted to stalk us like that, obviously she wasn't happy living with us either, so why spite yourself just to get at us??? But I feel a little better now, I'll let you know what happens!

[Hootie]

I'd get the HELL outta there if I were you. I know that will be hard to do, but it's only going to make your college experience worse and worse. And furthermore, she's gonna dig her own grave. Sooner or later the RA, the suite mates, everyone...will see how psycho she is!

I wish I had advice for ya but I know when I was living with a less psycho person than you, I simply just left. It started small with me staying at my boyfriend's place and my parent's house until finally I was like, WHY am I paying rent when I can't LIVE here?
Luckily we didn't have a lease, so I moved and we were better off not living together (annoyances was her problem).

Hootie

[KillarneyRose]

If I were you, sweetie, I would concentrate on getting away from that loony tune. Having so much drama is bound to have an effect on your schoolwork and since NYU ain't cheap you're not going to get your money's worth if you're constantly worrying about Roomie-from-hell.

[maggieaxid]

I agree with Killarney. Don't waste your time with mediation or anything at this point. it's your last year, you should be enjoying it, not trying to avoide a psycho stalker roomate who obviously has serious issues with everything. i understand that getting a room swith where you are must be really difficult, but i would try your best to, or see if you know two people in another suite that will just switch with you.

[AXOLiz]

I also agree that you need to get out of that room. It doesn't sound like this girl is someone who would be reasonable if you suggested arbitration Plus if she was already telling lies about you, what's stopping her from pulling something there too? Hopefully your other roommates haven't been influenced too much by this psycho, but if you try to have her removed, there might be problems with them if they are already on her side. I think your best option would be to see if there's any openings that you and your friend could take anywhere on campus. If you could room together again, great, but I'm sure you'll still be close friends if you end up living apart. Plus less stress makes for happier people. Good luck and keep us updated!!

[valkyrie]

Guys, I think the problem here is that she already requested a change of room and was denied. I am by no means an expert on NY student housing law, but it's my guess that if she just moves out, she's going to be stuck paying for the dorm per her housing contract AND an apartment or wherever she ends up living. I'm guessing that isn't an option. Of course she would have moved out already if it was that easy. It doesn't seem to be.

[DWAlphaGam]

Is there any way to get a restraining order against this girl? It sounds like she's probably going to be psycho again, and I would feel threatened if I was living in close proximity to her. If she tends to wander into your room when you're not there and use your computer, who knows what else she's doing. It might do some good to keep her a certain distance away from you and your room.

[Cloud9]

That's exactly our dilema. NYU housing(like the rest of the University) is a crazy labryinth of a hierarchy with different departments and and levels. "Colleen" and I went through alot of meetings with first our R.A., then our building manager, then the residence life office, and then the housing office. Finally we were told that all we could do is to fill out a room change request form, which we proceeded to do. About a week before moving to campus we recieved letters telling us that it couldn't be accomodated. And so we are screwed. But mediation sounds like it might be the best thing right now, plus one of my sisters is going abroad second semester so if it gets REALLY bad I'll just move into the house...although I would really feel bad abandoning Colleen, who is one of my best friends here. It's a very messy situation.

On a good note, I found out yesterday that my suitemate from the third room(our suite has 3 rooms, 2 people in each) and her roomate lived in the same residence hall last year and were friendly aquaintances with him. So since through my boyfriend we already have that connection, I'm hoping that Paula's lies won't have much clout. Personally, I don't know whether or not to bring up the situation to them, I haven't so far because I don't want them to have to deal with crap they're not involved in, but at the same time it will be weird for them watching Colleen and I interacting(or rather, avoiding interacting) with Paula. What do you guys think about it?

And thanks for your advice and help so far!

[AXOLiz]

I wouldn't necessarily bring the situation up to them directly, but I would definitely explain somewhat if they bring it up. Or if you do want to talk to them about it (like if there's a lot of tension in the room, which I'm sure there is and they've noticed), maybe say something like, "I'm so sorry you have to be in the middle of this. Colleen, Paula and I have lived together before and we had a lot of problems. I know how uncomfortable I feel in this situation, so I can only imagine how you must feel."

I wouldn't go with that approach exactly, but something where they aren't put in the middle is key, which means you really can't say much about Paula. If they want to talk more about it, they will, especially if you talk about your concern for them and not about how horrid the psycho is. Plus that way, if Paula goes and says something about you afterwards, your roomies will hopefully see her for what she really is since you were nothing but nice.