stupid friend making big mistake

maggieaxid · #1 08-05-2002, 09:25 AM

alright gc'ers....listen to this: this is going to be very long, and involved post. perfect for a rainy monday morning!

one of my best friends in the whole wide world (she's an AOTT) and my maid of honor is making a huge mistake, but doesn't seem to care....

(a little background first...most of our friends are engaged or are recently married, she has been in several long and serious relationships, but they haven't lasted. the most recent one ended in May, she hates being single and swears there are no other men out there...we'll call her Nora and him Steve)

so nora dated steve right after college in 1999. noone liked steve, but we all kept our tounges. most of her friends and family (esp. her mother) thought he was a sneak and a liar...which he is. they broke up the first time bc she thought she was pregnant and he swore it wasn't his and called her a slut, wh**re, and a whole bunch of other names and said that she must be cheating on him and breaks up with her...which she wasn't and turns out she wasn't pregnant at all. AFTER she finds out she is fine he beggs for her forgiveness and they get back together from fall 2000- may 2002.
this most recent relationship of steve and nora's has been tumotuos to say the least. he has a huge problem with her making more money then him, he works two jobs so he is never around and has done a lot of SERIOUS drugs...(think white, powdery and in the nasal passages). well things were going totally down hill with the two of them. nora and steve were living together and it just wasn't working. while she was at work, he would be out to all hours of the night, and when he was home he wouldn't let her hang out with her friends bc he thought we were a bunch of stuck-up bitches. (ok, so we can be.... but maybe if he treated her right, we wouldn't be! and all of her guy friends hated him too!) and she would call all of us and cry and complain about him and the situation. So on May 1st, the shi-at finally hit the fan.
steve had been at work at the bar (he bartends, obviously) and didn't normally get home until about 1am. it was a weekday. well, she wakes up at about 2:30 and wonders where the heck he is. she calls his cell and he tells her he has to drive a "friend" home from the bar back to west chester...about an hour drive one way from where he works/they live. as he tells her this she hears a girl giggling in the car...later we find out her name is kelly. he tells her to go back to sleep and that he'll be home soon. APPARENTLY soon to him is 5:30am. He rolls in the door, admits to cheating on nora, calls her fat, disgusting, and a million other things and wants to break up and never wants to see her again.
so she is devastated, yet again. runs to all her friends, yet again. we hold our tounges and take care and console her. her mother allows her to move back home and she has spent endless nights sleeping on my pull out couch being miserable.
well, finally one day the light bulb in her head clicks on. she looses 30 lbs., gets a promotion at work, cuts her hair, and decides she doesn't need him at all. she starts seeing a shrink and we have our old nora back. she goes out on a few dates and we think everything is getting back to normal.
APPARENTLY we were wrong. it turns out for the last month she has been seeing steve again on the side. he tells her how much he has changed and how he loves her and wants to be with her, ect.. she buys into it. AGAIN.
so yesterday morning, she drops a huge bomb. THEY ARE GETTING MARRIED. when she told me i totally flipped out on her telling her that he is abusive towards her and how horrible he treats her, and why can't she see it, and how i can't deal with their relationship anymore....her mother has kicked her out, and all of our other friends are like "what the heck is going on???", one friend even bought a plane ticket from atlanta to come up here this coming weekend to talk to her.
so i don't know what to do. she is making a huge mistake. and granted, she is 25 years old, she is a big girl. but, this is soooo wrong! people don't change in 3 months!
-Maggie

Senusret I · #2 08-05-2002, 12:55 PM

wow. . .i don't know what to say.

She probably won't change her mind, so just continue to be there for her.

dzsaigirl · #3 08-05-2002, 01:17 PM

Well, this happened to one of my friends, minus the drug involvement...but including the haircut, losing 30 lbs (which she could barely stand to lose...we had a talk about that one...) got a new job, new car, etc. The guy kept jerking her around all the time. He cheated on her and then slowly told what he had done. At first he said just kissing. Then he said...ummm...I don't want to say it on here, but involving hands and personal parts. Then, he admitted to the thing that is only one step away from sex (also don't wanna say that!). Ever time he had one of these stories, all about the same girl, she called me and cried and said "come get me, I can't stay here" and I would go pick her up and she would stay with me for a while. I tried each time to tell her, if he says one thing and then says another, you should assume that he has gone all the way (which he had). So she cut him off. Then the whole weight loss, 180 degree change happened, followed by her "near death experience" (she got hit by a car at the mall...it twisted her ankle). She got taken to the nearest hospital where she immediately called him to pick her up. She told me "He was there for me in my time of need"...HELLO, she called him from the freaking hospital saying she was hit by a car...he would have to be TOTALLY heartless to just leave her there...so that was her reasoning for getting back with him again. They are still together. I do NOT want her to marry him. But I am pretty vocal about that, so I know that I have warned her!

People like this don't think they can find anyone who will treat them right. It might take an intervention, or even catching an STD or something from his cheating ways for her to finally wake up...

ZTAMiami · #4 08-05-2002, 01:54 PM

What can you really do? Sometimes people don't want to be helped and end up eternal victims.
If she hasn't taken your advice as of yet then just lend an open ear. You're obviously a great friend and sister. I hope she comes around eventually.

Hootie · #5 08-05-2002, 03:20 PM

Here's my take on the situation.

First of all, I've been in one of those relationships with a guy that JUST wasn't what I needed. He was lazy, gone all the time, possibly cheating, and just a liar!!!!!!!!!!! Deep down I knew most of these things, but didn't want to admit it to myself because I was "in love" and hadn't ever felt like I was needed by anyone like him before. I confused love with need...I needed him because he was someone to call my own ~ something she's probably doing because all her friend's have their "special someone's".

Furthermore I believe that a lot of women (not all) find themselves pressured by society to bag the man before they graduate college. It's just like "Sex in the City"...if you can't find someone before you're 30 you're a spinster...lol (well we all know better, but it's hard). Perhaps she's feeling the itch to just settle cuz all her friends are. And maybe it scares her because she has a history with this guy and figures he is all the better she can do.

You are right however....people cannot change THAT fast. If given the right circumstances and different surroundings they could, but considering they never really had a "break" then more than likely he hasn't changed.

The worse thing you can do however is to have all the girls gang up on her and tell her she's making a mistake. It will only damage your friendships and make her that more likely to marry him (she'll think you all are jealous or stupid). The best thing is to tell her your concerns calmly. List his downfalls, recall the countless times he hurt her, and ask her if she can REALLY say things are different. More than likely by you throwing those memories out on the table, she'll wake up to at least the idea that you all may be right!

Keep us posted! I know it won't be easy but just remember that you cannot control what she does...but if after trying to talk her out of it...perhaps a wake up call of unsupportiveness would help!

Hootie

maggieaxid · #6 08-05-2002, 03:36 PM

I have talked to "nora" since i posted this message. Apparently between what i, her mother, and one of her best guy friends since she was like 4 we somehow brought her back to the real world, hence the reason why she fell off the face of the earth for a day, she just didn't want to admit that we were all right. noone can change in 3 months. Even the promise that he was going to take her ring shopping yesterday was a lie. "steve" told her that he couldn't bc he didn't get paid until friday....after he had promised that he would. apparently she got pissed and was like "i lost my mind, this is a bad idea" and left him...AGAIN.
so tonight she, another friend of ours and myself are going to the bar to have dinner, drinks, and then return home just in time for sorority life. So i will let you all know what comes of this evening.

when i talked to her, she sounded better already. this is just going to be a long journey!

shultzz · #7 08-05-2002, 05:55 PM

She needs to find someone new and have sex with them asap, otherwise she will end up back with the X.

You should hook her up with me and maybe you could hook her mom up with Tom Earp.

Peaches-n-Cream · #8 08-05-2002, 06:56 PM

I'm glad that she came to her senses. You and all of her friends should try to keep her busy and be there for her so she doesn't have time to change her mind again. She's lucky to have friends like you who care so much about her.

DeltaSigStan · #9 08-05-2002, 11:11 PM

What just makes me smile so sarcastically is that guys like that who have no direction and treat their girlfriends like sh*t all the time ALWAYS seem to be taken, yet the kind sensitive guys who NEVER do a thing and have all the ambition and direciton in the world like myself are always..........

well, I'll just stop now.

Peaches-n-Cream · #10 08-06-2002, 12:12 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by DeltaSigStan
What just makes me smile so sarcastically is that guys like that who have no direction and treat their girlfriends like sh*t all the time ALWAYS seem to be taken, yet the kind sensitive guys who NEVER do a thing and have all the ambition and direciton in the world like myself are always..........

well, I'll just stop now.

Don't stop. Those are the kind of guys who keep therapists in business. Stay sensitive and kind. These are the type of men (there is a difference between guys and men!) who keep women happy. Believe me, many women wish that they could meet a kind and sensitive man.