Need advice concerning best friend and rush!

UFgatorgirl02 · #1 05-30-2002, 11:20 AM

Hey everyone! Well, I am having this problem with one of my best friends that is going to be going to college with me. We have known each other for a long time and I love her to death, but lately she has been saying things, "We are going to join the same sorority? Right?!" And I don't really know what to say to her. Of course I would love to join the same sorority as her, but I don't want to compromise my feelings about a specific house because of her or anyone else. I want to be totally independent when I make my choice, because after all these will be my sisters-not anyone else's. I am really stuck between a rock and a hard place because I don't want to lose her friendship and whenever I tell her that we might not get in the same one she gets really really pissed off, but I also want to make my own choice and not have anyone pressuring me! She also thinks that if we don't get into the same house we will never hang out anymore, which I know is not true. She is also very stubborn so when I tell her that is not true she gets even madder. It is just totally driving me crazy!! Have any of you been in this situation and even if you haven't do you have any words of advice?

Thank you!

#2 05-30-2002, 11:30 AM

I haven't been in the same situation, but I think you've been handling it the right way. Good for you for standing your ground and not being willing to compromise your choice of houses just to stay with your friend!! You're going to be a great asset to whichever sorority you choose!

Like I said, I think you have been handling your friend in a very mature manner, by telling her there's no guarantee that you will both get in the same house or even like the same house... and there's absolutely no reason you can't hang out together if you're in different sororities!! I guess my only advice would be to stick to your guns, and don't compromise what's going to be a huge step in your life! And I hate to say this, but if your friend turns out to not be mature enough to handle you choosing a different house than hers next fall....maybe she's not the greatest friend after all.

carnation · #3 05-30-2002, 11:53 AM

Gatorgirl!

Your friend is probably nervous about going off to a biiig campus like UF and having everything in her life change. She's thinking, "What if I don't get a bid? What if I don't make any friends? What if Gatorgirl gets a bunch of new friends and I'm all alone?"

Just keep talking about rush in general terms and try not to let her pin you down to promises. Since rush groups tend to be divided alphabetically, chances are that you'll hardly see her during rush anyway. She's probably thinking you'll be getting your returns at the same time and sitting together and planning which parties you'll return to..and that won't happen.

Not to mention that you can hardly promise her that y'all will even get invitations from the same groups...just keep being vague, like, "Well, we'll see what happens!" Remember that she's scared but don't let her back you into a corner. And maybe she should come to GC and learn about rush! (In which case you might want to edit this thread!) Then she'd see how both on campus and off, Greeks enjoy mingling with members of other groups!

Dionysus · #4 05-30-2002, 11:55 AM

IMO, your friend is wrong, she should be happy for you, whatever choice you make. Follow YOUR heart.

XiLovin · #5 05-30-2002, 12:25 PM

Okay, my situation is not exactly the same but I can relate. My roommate and I are very best friends. She and I had been tossing the idea of joining a sorority back and forth for some time but eventually settled on the idea that we were just to old. (wrong by the way :-) ) Either way, we really felt like we were missing out on a lot and were very disappointed that we hadn't rushed earlier in our college careers.

Well, fall semester starts and there is a girl in my very first class and she was very informative about rush and how it was okay that I am older. She was also in the sorority that I really liked. I thought about my roommate and knew that she wouldn't go through formal recruitment and would be crushed if I did so I didn't rush. Well, rush ends and I am feeling pretty down because I had made a decision that I didn't truly want.

Then, I walk into the class that I had with the girl that I mentioned before and she invited me to a COB party. (a chance to add more girls in the event that they don't take their maximum number). I told my roommate and I decided to go. I was extended a bid that night when I got home. I could tell that my roommate was happy for me but also a little sad. She told me that she was going to rush in the spring.

A few weeks later at a meeting I found out that we were going to have one more COB party and immediately thought of my friend. I brought her and she got one of the only two bids that were extended.

The point is that if I hadn't taken the chance and trusted our friendship then both of us would have been without our sisters that we love so much. Your friend will understand when rush starts. I just don't want you to feel like you should back down because of your friend. Even if my roommate wouldn't have had the chance to join I was happy being in the sorority. I always think about how sad I would have been if I would have passed up on what I always wanted twice.

Oh yeah, I am now roommates with the girl from my class and my old roommate is going to live with some of our other sisters. We are better friends than ever but the sorority gave us a chance to find friends outside of each other. It just goes to show that going your seperate ways is not necessarily a bad thing. In our case it has been a blessing to the bond that we have together.

dzrose93 · #6 05-30-2002, 12:39 PM

UFgatorgirl,

I agree with what the others have already posted. You have to go through Rush for yourself -- not for anyone else. And your friend needs to respect that.

Trust me when I say that no one should ever "assume" that they are going to join the same organization that their other high school friends do. The way Rush works, you just can't say that -- because you have no control over it. Your friend needs to realize that there is a big possibility that you and she will not wind up in the same sorority at UF. Rush there is very competitive and there's no way to tell where either of you may end up. This isn't to say that you and your friend shouldn't go through the process, though!

It's a great way to meet people and get acclimated to college life!

I'm sure that your friend is a little apprehensive about going to a new school and meeting a ton of new faces. That's probably why she's wanting to stick so close to you. But if y'all stick together then you won't ever be able to open yourselves up completely to meeting new friends. Y'all may get lucky and both get bids to the same house that you both love. But you may not. It's not your call to make -- and your friend should not be making you feel guilty (especially so far in advance) if it doesn't work out.

Another thing: Being in different sororities won't change your friendship if you don't want it to. There are many opportunities for members of different GLO's to get together and socialize, and there will always be some free time for you and your friend to get together one-on-one. So, please don't feel guilty or upset by the way your friend is acting. She's being a little inconsiderate, and that isn't your fault.

Good luck with Rush and with your friend. I'm sure things will work out!

aephi alum · #7 05-30-2002, 12:49 PM

I have to agree... you have to make the choice that is right for you. If she's really your friend, she'll remain your friend regardless of what happens during rush.

My two freshman-year roommates and I made an informal pact that we'd all try to get into the same sorority. Only one of us actually did. I dropped out of rush to join a local... looking back, I'm glad I did, because if I'd joined the sorority we all had in mind, I would have been miserable. My other roommate attended pref parties for that sorority and one other - she was so wowed by the other sorority's pref party that she listed it first on her pref card. So we wound up in 3 different sororities but were still friends.

UFgatorgirl02 · #8 05-30-2002, 01:07 PM

Thank you all for your support!! I am so happy that I was thinking the right way the whole time about making my own choice. I think that she is nervous about going to such a big school, originally she had always wanted to go to a smaller school. Rush is already stressful enough without having your best friend pressuring you! Thank you again for the advice, it has really give me some confidence and now I will know how to react better when she brings up the subject.

maggieaxid · #9 05-30-2002, 01:57 PM

i was not in the same experience, but my suitemates were.
My one suitemate, Sarah really wanted to get into the same sorority as her roomate Courtney. Courtney was like you, gatorgirl, she wanted to make the decision for herself.
So in my suite we struck a deal that we wouldn't tell anyone else where we got invited back to, so on bid day, if we were ment to be sisters, then it was ment to be, but we would still be friends.
On bid day, courtney and my roomate traci both became Phi Mu's and I became an AZD. Sarah unfortunatly did not get a bid because she Intentionally single preferenced (suicide) the one sorority that she swore she and courtney were going to get into, and it wasn't Phi Mu.
After Sarah cried and freaked out for a bit, and was a little hurt and angry at herself, bc she didn't even really like the girls in the sorority that she put down, she jut put it down because she thought courtney would have chosen that one.
The following year she was offered a bid to colonize a new sorority that was coming to campus, and now she is a Sigma Kappa.
And everyone stayed pretty much friends after that.
-Maggie

ZTAngel · #10 05-30-2002, 02:46 PM

I was actually in a similar situation when I went through recruitment. There was a group of four of us who were all best friends and we all wanted to be in the same sorority. But, during recruitment we realized that we were four different people with four different personalities. I went ZTA, my best friend since the fourth grade went KD, and the other two both went Tri-Delta. But, one of the girls went Tri-Delta cause the other one did although she really had her heart set on KD. A year later, she disaffiliated from Tri-Delt wishing that she had made a different choice (Tri-Delt happens to be very good on our campus...nobody twist my words!

But, she would've fit in better somewhere else) Are we all still friends? Yes we are! I actually ended up moving in with the two Tri-Delts (I'm still friends with one of them but the other one...eh...we're not friends do to roommate problems and NOT sorority problems...word to the wise: NEVER move in with a good friend!). So, it is possible that you and your friend go to different sororities and still be best friends. It happens all the time actually. There are many girls that were in my pledge class who came to rush with their best friends and all went into different sororities. You have to find what's right for you...not what's right for your friend. Also, things happen during rush week. She may have gotten cut from the sorority you have your heart set on and that you know you'd fit perfectly in. Don't let your friend make the decisions for you!

Glitter650 · #11 05-30-2002, 02:56 PM

Making the decision for yourself is definitely the best way to go. Joining a soror is for life, so it's important that you like the one you choose. Point out to your friend... if you join the one I like,but don't really like any of the girls except for me... what are you going to do when I'm not around at the events because I'm sick or have class or whatever. Also point out that it won't be as fullfilling an experience if she joins just because it's where you want to go, she'll resent being in and be one of those girls who just wears letters and doesn't really want tp be a part of the org. Also point out, if she's afraid about the whole making of new friends... wherever she gets a bid from, they like her and want to make her a sister... and if you do end up being in different sorors its an even better opportunity for you each to meet new people and make even more friends, you can each introduce each other to your sisters and expand your social circle

thetakates · #12 05-30-2002, 05:41 PM

Rush is a very personal choice that noone can make for you. You have to be comfortable with where you are going because if not you will be miserable and wasting alot of time and money. My friend was in this same situation when she rusher at her school. One of the friends she had made was dead set on them joining the same house. Well, it turns out that she got invited back to one house and the other girl got cut from it. Since this was where my friend felt most comfortable she chose this sorority over the other one. Her friend took her second choice and they are both doing well now. It will work out for the best. I know that it will!

Just remember only you know where you are most comfortable!

Good luck!

Peaches-n-Cream · #13 05-31-2002, 12:13 AM

You and your friend will be at the mercy of the rush process so you will have limited choices. You and your friend might like different sororities, and different sororities might like you and your friend. As has been said before on GC, I suggest that you both go into rush with open minds and select the sorority that is the best fit for you not your friend. You never know; you might wind up being sisters as well as friends. Good luck!

TaraHopeful · #14 05-31-2002, 02:14 AM

Gatorgirl: are you from florida? if so, what part? just out of curiosity...i wanna know if i know of your high school. I go to a very small (45 kids in graduating class) high school and i am the only person out of us that will be rushing.....everyone else is intimidated. It seems to me like my friends and your friend are quite alike....

Mystic Cat32 · #15 05-31-2002, 03:38 AM

Gator Girl,
I think that if she really cares about your friendship then ultimately she'll respect whatever decision you make. Some of my best friends are in other GLOs. We respect each other and are still really tight. Have a really serious talk with her and make sure that she knows that you're still there for her. I still have old high school friends that I talk to that never went Greek in College and we still love each other. One of the biggest and coolest things about joining a GLO is the opportunity to meet people that you wouldn't through any other means. That's what makes us so special. I'm a firm believer of the Pythagorean principle of the "fusion of the opposites of the mean". If a sorority or fraternity were based on all people that you already know or relate to then it wouldn't be as special of an experience. Brother and Sisterhood in the experience is the greatest thing. It goes beyond College and well into life. Most all of the GLOs on this site would probably agree with me. I wish upon you virtue and enlightenment. Fraternally, Mysic Cat32