Must Exboyfriends suck?

maggieaxid · #1 06-04-2002, 08:57 AM

I just need to vent, and need a little help from the boys

(a little background, me and this guy, we'll call him "Jack", dated for 2 years in college. it was a really bad break up. i have been out of school for 2 years, and he out for one. I am currently engaged to the love of my life, and Jack apparently wants to open the lines of communication, and we have talked a few times over email and im and he called me once to congratulate me on my engagement.)

so last night i was emailing friends directions to my engagement party, and jack signs onto im. the first thing he says to me is "did i ruin your life?" and i am like "what? no you didn't, i am with the person i was ment to be with and am the happiest i have ever been. one person can not single handedly ruin your life from a college relationship". and he told me that he went up to our college's graduation where he ran into his exgirlfriend, the one after me, who is still in college (he is in graduate school, about 1500 miles away from her) and she told him how he completly ruined her life and all this stuff. and he also tells me about this other relationship that he just ended with another girl, and she freaked out and told him he ruined her life. whatever, they dated for 3 weeks..... so he asks me what he does wrong in relationships.

well i, the idiot i am, tried to give him some sugarcoated advice- telling him that with me, the breakup was very sudden, out of the blue, and that we never talked about it. he just decided that it was over one day. and after i tell him this he totally freaks out on me and gets all defensive. i then, just told him that i had to go and hoped he had a good summer and signed off.

so what do you think his deal is?

HBADPi · #2 06-04-2002, 11:15 AM

why should it matter what his deal is if you are with another, especially since you are getting married to this other? Obviously the kid has issues but they arent your issues. Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh but I've had an ex do that to me before and all he is looking for is reassurance that he isnt a complete fuck up but it's really no longer your place or responsibilyt to give it to him.

FuzzieAlum · #3 06-04-2002, 11:53 AM

He was probably feeling very low and anxious because it seems that several exes had just told him that he "ruined their life." That would be enough to make anyone start to wonder what they did wrong.

But that said, any girl who thinks that their ex dumping her ruined her life has a problem of her own. Where did he find these girls? (I mean, you might feel that way during the immediate depression of a breakup, but years later?) And it's always a bad idea to call up people from your past and ask them very personal questions. You can't really get closure that way, which is what he was trying to do.

maggieaxid · #4 06-04-2002, 12:02 PM

in all honesty, i really don't care what he does or what he thinks. i mean, just out of the blue and a almost 2 1/2 years later, (as soon as he found out i was engaged) he has tried to "communicate" (his words) with me, and gets mad when i don't respond to him in the way he wants me to.

whatever, he obviously needs to grow up still (which is why we broke up in the first place) and he emailed me today to ask me for more advice, i am not planning on responding and already deleated in.

i have enough things to worry about, like convincing my fiance's groomsmen, that going to vegas the night before the wedding is a BAD idea.

HBADPi · #5 06-04-2002, 12:14 PM

I understand your frustration. My previous boyfriend who broke up with me over a year ago, who is now getting married this month, found the need to call me 2 months ago and explain to me that he felt he lost his best friend when he broke up with me and would like to see if we could be friends again. He began to explain his regrets with regards to me and our relationship and I just found it extremely inappropriate that he would bring it up not only a year later when we've both moved on but also 2 months shy of his own wedding.

I think your ex is feeling like he has lost in every relationship even though he ended it. Basically he sees you getting married and happy but he's not. Maybe he wants to bring your happiness down by being in touch with you or maybe he just wants some reassurance that he did the right thing.

But you are right you have better things to worry about than him. Dont respond to his email, it will only encourage him, and focus on what's important in your life right now which is obviously not him.

dzsaigirl · #6 06-04-2002, 12:19 PM

If he broke up with you, then the breakup was on his terms. If he did the breaking up with the other girls, then it was once again on his terms.

The fact that you have moved on and are now getting married is NOT on his terms. He has absolutely no control over that. That is probably making him really uncomfortable.

Lots of guys have a problem with that. My ex-boyfriend broke up with me because I wouldn't put out, plain and simple. He was nice to me (if you can still be considered nice after breaking up for that reason) until he found out that I had started dating someone and then once he found out I was engaged, I started hearing how he would stand up in his fraternity meetings and talk about what a bitch I was (this was 2 1/2 years after the break up mind you!). I have done absolutely nothing to him!

Guys are strange. They realize they have screwed up only when it is too late and then they get mad at you for it. So some of them do suck!

ChiOJenn78 · #7 06-04-2002, 12:25 PM

Yes. Yes, they must suck, I think it's a rule.
My first love-thank god thats over-used to call me at 2 a.m. and blame me for the fact that he was skipping all his classes, getting drunk all the time, and getting into fights. Because I told him to do that...

dumb ass.... Later on, he wanted to "be friends" again, b/c he missed me so much.

aephi alum · #8 06-04-2002, 12:38 PM

I think it is some sort of universal law of dating, that anyone who has been dating for any length of time must have a psycho ex.

My psycho ex dumped me by IM (I kid you not) and then was totally shocked and surprised that I moved on!

He honestly thought I would spend the rest of my college life sitting in my dorm room pining away for him.

A few months after he and I broke up, I met my husband, and a few months later we got engaged. Word got back to my ex, who immediately popped the question to his girlfriend at the time, then IM'd me to say "Congrats on your engagement, I'm so sorry I hurt you, will you ever forgive me, btw, I'm engaged too." (They later broke up.)

I think my ex just couldn't bear to see me so happy with the love of my life while he was still single. Sounds like that might be Jack's deal too. Well, it doesn't matter... just ignore his emails, block his IM's, and enjoy your future with Mr. Right.

AGDPrincess70 · #9 06-04-2002, 01:09 PM

No sh*t!!!

My ex of almost 2 1/2 years says that oh, he doesn't love me anymore, and he doesn;t want a relationship, but I'm the most important person in his life and I mean so much to him and blah blah blah. And now, that I'm dating this awesome new guy, he "misses" me and says I was the best thing to happen to him. Well, you should have thought of that when you didn't call me for NINE DAYS because you "had some stuff to think about."

And yes, ChiOJenn78, it is a rule. I think it's written in stone somewhere...like the 11th Commandmant: "If thou hath a penis, thou must suck!!!!"

~Holly

SigmaChiCard · #10 06-04-2002, 01:35 PM

This might be slightly off-key, but....

If there is any concern on your part about this entire issue, then maybe you should sit down alone sometime and reevaluate your love for the one you're about to marry. Maybe it's just your nature to wonder...just don't emotionally wander! I don't think the words said so much here are important, moreover your curiousity is what concerns me. Think about that.

Secondly....
Guys do feel an obligation to suck because we thought it unfair that girls had sucked so much...we're just evening the score

maggieaxid · #11 06-04-2002, 01:47 PM

Curiosity is curiosity, you can't say that if someone didn't pop up from your past, you wouldn't give them the time of day!

I am not going sit down and reevaluate my love for my fiance. I am sure the people out there who are either married or engaged know that they don't have to "reevaluate" their love every times an ex surfaces. We all have exes, they all surface, both guys and girls, its something that you deal with together. My fiance knows about this whole thing, and thinks that "Jack" is just reaching out for someone, anyone who knows him to reassure him that he did not "ruin my life".

And just like Jack, my finace and I have had MORE than our fair share of having to deal with his psycho ex girlfriend who has appeared on my doorstep more then once drunk and professing her love for him. Plus, whenever we run into her, she always tells him, in front of me, that they need to get back together. It's quite fun...so yes, exgirlfriends must suck sometimes too.

ROWDYsister · #12 06-04-2002, 02:26 PM

I must say, everyone's advice on this thread is very good. And I have to agree wholeheartedly: Ex-boyfriends definitely must suck. Even if they're not doing anything to you at the moment, their suckiness lives on in memory. (And I admit I must suck as an ex, too. All my sisters hate the last guy to death...and one of his pledge brothers professed his love to me a week after we broke up! It was so wrong...but fun for me!)

James · #13 06-04-2002, 05:24 PM

EX's don't really suck. It just sucks that we have mixed feelings towards them. Add a touch of bitterness that things didn't work out, and it can be complicated.

Plus EX's can usually push our buttons like no other!

I thought that DZsaigirl, HBADPi, and Fuzzie Alum summed it up rather well.

DZSai girl pointed out that it sounds like the nasty break-ups were mostly mostly on the part of the girls rather than this particular boy, Jack. If he just broke-up with them, with little warning and little explanation he was doing pretty well.

Then he meets up with these girls he has moved on from, because he was dissatisfied and could tell there was no future, who say he ruined their lives! Thats a harsh indictment.

Ladies, I know men never admit it, but we are moody at times also and vulnerable.

So Fuzzie alum was probably right in saying that he was feeling low and since he had started talking to you again he decided to ask you. Or he just might have been making conversation.

But people in general don't handle criticism well. So even sugar coated its hard to take. Even more so from an EX who we have mixed feelings towards. As I said its easy for us to push each other's buttons.

Also, its kind of normal to be curious as to who your EX is with, especially in terms of marriage. There are some issues of comparison, and also a little feeling like someone might be getting away.

Email him or not. But if your criticism can be accurate and not colored by your own expectations it might actually be useful to him.

The phrasing might be tricky . . .

PS. It would have a lot of entertainment value if you if you posted the email. . .

blueyes · #14 06-04-2002, 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by maggieaxid

well i, the idiot i am, tried to give him some sugarcoated advice- telling him that with me, the breakup was very sudden, out of the blue, and that we never talked about it. he just decided that it was over one day. and after i tell him this he totally freaks out on me and gets all defensive. i then, just told him that i had to go and hoped he had a good summer and signed off.

so what do you think his deal is?

His MALE EGO!!!

James, you wouldn't know if ex boyfriends suck unless you've had one.....

Peaches-n-Cream · #15 06-04-2002, 06:44 PM

Yes by definition ex-boyfriends must suck. That is unless you both are able to make that rare metamorphosis from exes to friends. I don't think that it will be possible with this ex at this point in his life. I suggest that you focus your time and energy on the wonderful future Mr. maggieaxid.

I agree with blueyes. Never underestimate the male ego.