Lavaliering....???AAACCKK!

[ilovemyglo]

Okay, sort of a dilemma... my boyfriend is in a fraternity. He is wonderful and I love him. We both graduate next spring and he wants to lavaliere me basically because he can't afford an engagement ring. There is a curse that comes with lavalieres, I SWEAR IT!! Three of my sisters have been lavaliered in the past year and only one is still with him!!! The other two guys just took off.. it is really annoying! My boyfriend doesn't understand why I am mixed about this! Yes I am stoked that he loves me that much, to give me his letters, that means a lot! But a lot of guys give out letters "Just to do it before I graduate" or whatever.. to get sex out of a waiting woman or whatever, I have seen it all...
The other thing, I told him I would be honored if he did it and that I would wear it proudly with my lavaliere. It really made him mad!!! He was like "You either wear it alone or not at all" Which doesn't make sense to me. I joined my sorority and my letters mean everything to me.. He keeps saying that I have worn them for three years, the excitement of having new letters should be worn off by now but everytime I take of my lavaliere (like if I go out to a bar or something) I think about what those letters mean to me. I wear my lavaliere 24-7 To sleep, to shower, whatever, I always have it on. It means a lot to me, as much as the crucifix I wear reminding me to be a Christian..
What is a good compromise? I mean I know I am not giving up my letters to wear his, but why should I take mine off? I don't want to!!!
HELP!!! I love my boyfriend and would be more than honored, but at the same time, I don't want us to break up and him regret it.

------------------
"...and love her for her womanhood."

[AlphaGam1019]

Lavaliering, like all commitments, are risks. When you take that step, whether it's engagement or lavaliering, you always have that chance that it may make things worse or better or even the same.

I don't know what to think about the "lavaliering curse". I hope this isn't the primary reason you are shying away from it

Does your boyfriend's fraternity have "traditions" for guys who lavalier their girlfriend? When my ex-boyfriend lavaliered me, the chapter had these traditions. I suppose it signifies that he was willing to go through those things so that I could wear his letters. It was not the curse that broke us up- he had major problems, etc...

I am now lavaliered by my current boyfriend and things are going well! (it's been a year and a half!) (PS- I promise I'm not a black widow by being lavaliered twice...lol)

I too used to wear an AGD lavalier (and sometimes a disk), but have taken it off to wear my boyfriend's letters. I am in no way feel that I have given up my letters for his. I think of it differently. How many girls get to be lavaliered? There are only a very few on my campus that I have seen. It's a special thing that can be really enjoyed as a collegate!

Just a different way to look at it

I usually wear both letters- an AGD shirt with my lavalier worn where it can be seen!

[This message has been edited by AlphaGam1019 (edited July 28, 2001).]

[This message has been edited by AlphaGam1019 (edited July 28, 2001).]

[AngelPhiSig]

I dont like it when guys want you to wear their letters only. One of my sister's bfs basically made her leave our sorority by telling her how bad we were, and not letting her wear our letters... blah blah blah... I think its BS... if you are in a sorority and you're laviliered, you should be allowed to wear your letters, after all, you were initiated in to xyz, not ghj (your bf's) (look at my creativity!)

<3 Ali

[showstopper_1908]

I agree, I think some things should just be separate. I would never wear my boyfriends letters because I am not a member of his organization. I wear mine because it is the organization that I represent. If I wanted to represent his organization, then I would pledge his. However, I think T-shirts that state you go out with/are married to a member of "xyz" organization are fine. I do understand not every organization has T-shirts like that readily available. If one wasn't availible, I still don't understand how a lady walks around showing off the letters that her boyfriend worked for. If they break up, they'll have on someone elses letters in the next 2 weeks. On the other hand, I will wear my own letters forever.

Originally posted by AngelPhiSig:
I dont like it when guys want you to wear their letters only. One of my sister's bfs basically made her leave our sorority by telling her how bad we were, and not letting her wear our letters... blah blah blah... I think its BS... if you are in a sorority and you're laviliered, you should be allowed to wear your letters, after all, you were initiated in to xyz, not ghj (your bf's) (look at my creativity!)

<3 Ali

[AlphaGam1019]

Originally posted by showstopper_1908:
I agree, I think some things should just be separate. I would never wear my boyfriends letters because I am not a member of his organization. I wear mine because it is the organization that I represent. If I wanted to represent his organization, then I would pledge his. However, I think T-shirts that state you go out with/are married to a member of "xyz" organization are fine. I do understand not every organization has T-shirts like that readily available. If one wasn't availible, I still don't understand how a lady walks around showing off the letters that her boyfriend worked for. If they break up, they'll have on someone elses letters in the next 2 weeks. On the other hand, I will wear my own letters forever.

do you understand what lavaliering is?

[tcsparky]

Ilovemyglo, Have you thought about wearing your boyfriend's letters around your neck on a chain, and putting your own letters on a charm bracelet? That way you are always wearing both. And, if you are like me and talk with your hands a lot (a habit from drama), people will still see your letters as often as they see his.

[33girl]

I would ask him if his fraternity has a POLICY that your letters cannot be worn with his, but other than that I've never heard of not wearing your own lavaliere. Some guys even just gave the girl the drop and she put it on the same chain with her sorority lavalier.

Don't start a dangerous precedent of a guy asking you to give up something for him that means the world to you.

[AlphaGam1019]

All in all, what it boils down to is what you feel is right If the only way you'll wear his lavalier is with yours and he doesn't accept it, that's bad He should take into consideration of your feelings toward the issue.

BTW, I like the idea of the charm bracelet!

Ok this is me being playing devils advocate. Maybe he meant that he didnt want you wearing like two necklaces at one time, one with yours and one with his? And maybe he doesnt want both on the same but he wants you to kind of alternate them? One day you could wear his and another day you can wear yours or whatever. Like someone even said you can still wear yours just put it on a bracelet or ask him if you can put his on one.There is nothing wrong with loving your sorority and wearing your letter, but maybe he's feeling (and not telling you) that your sorority is more important than he is, and thats why he's coming off as a lil hostile towards the lav thing? And I wouldnt worry about the lav curse. Its not like every girl in your sorority has been dumped after being laved. Maybe the two that were, were having problems in theirs to begin with and the guys thought it would help things but in the end it just didnt. I am in no way defending him,just saying maybe this si whats going on

[greeklawgirl]

I don't know how much I have to add to the excellent advice already here, but here are my thoughts...
My husband pinned me about a year before we were officially engaged. He NEVER asked me once to take off my AGD badge and wear his instead. (Maybe because he knows I would have served his head on a platter *LOL*). I always wore them both together.
I guess my point is that his 'my way or the highway' attitude really bothers me. If he knows how very much your letters mean to you, he would never ask you to put them away! He should be trying to find a way to make BOTH of you happy, not 'laying down his law.'
You can go ahead and tell me to mind my own business, but sweetie, think this over. If he is having a hissy fit over a gold charm--however much it means to him--think about all the REALLY important things that the two of you will have to face as a couple over a lifetime. Jobs. Houses. Babies. If he won't compromise over a lavaliere, what else will he refuse to compromise on?

[sheldric]

I'm with GreekLawGirl on this one. You need to think about what it means if he won't compromise. But you also need to ask. Tell him you would love to, but explain what your letters mean to you.
Just to make you feel better, everyone I know that has been lavaliered is still together. 2 more are getting married in less than a month!
Good luck whatever you decide.

[aephi alum]

I have to agree here - you shouldn't have to choose whether to wear your boyfriend's letters or your own. If he won't compromise on this, he won't compromise down the road when you're talking marriage, kids, house, job, etc. Wear your letters *and* his instead! He wants you "to be proud enough of his letters to wear them alone" - that I get - but you are proud of your own letters too. So wear both! On separate chains if that would make him happy. JMO

[ilovemyglo]

Okay Well I like the charm bracelet thing.. he says that wearing his lavaliere is my way of telling the world that we are together and committed... like a wedding ring would be.. and he doesn't want me to wear my lavaliere with his because he wants me to be proud enough of his letters to wear them alone..
I understand his point and on my campus girls that wear lavalieres don't wear them with their own... so that I get. Lavaliering on my campus is really common actually.. after six months most guys are expected to... I dated another fraternity guy for a year and a half and he had lavaliered someone before me and wanted to do it to me too and I told him no, that he was only allowed to do it once and that even if it was a mistake, he had to live with that.. The only policy my current boyfriend's fraternity has is that you can only give your letters to one girl one time, that is it! SO I know it is special to him...
Can I get a guys perspective?

------------------
"...and love her for her womanhood."

[showstopper_1908]

Yes...I UNDERSTAND what it is, and I think it's tackey. Do we all UNDERSTAND that I think it's tackey?

Originally posted by AlphaGam1019:
do you understand what lavaliering is?

[greeklawgirl]

Originally posted by showstopper_1908:
Yes...I UNDERSTAND what it is, and I think it's tackey. Do we all UNDERSTAND that I think it's tackey?

If you would be so kind as to humor me here, I think that my sister asked if you understood what lavaliering is because you mentioned T-shirts towards the end of your message. I was also unsure at first as to whether you were referring to a lavaliere or a shirt with letters. None of us mean any offense to you.

I completely understand and respect your opinion. Here's my take on that: yes, my husband worked for those letters. But on the other hand, I work for my husband everyday. I cook his dinner, clean his clothes. I'm the shoulder he cries on, and I'm the ear for his deepest thoughts. He is a good man, but it is my job to help him become an even better man. I like to think that when he puts on his letters that I have helped him live and practice the values and ideals of his fraternity more deeply. I'm helping him become a better Sigma Phi Epsilon as I know he is helping me become a better Alpha Gamma Delta. If he wants to give me his letters, then I am very proud to wear them. As far as I am concerned, my pride in Alpha Gamma Delta hasn't been cut in half...my pride has now doubled as an AGD and a Sig Ep wife.