My Big Sister

[Greek Cutie]

I joined a sorority this year, and I thought that I picked the right big sister for me. The problem is that she never calls me to go out and do stuff. She also has two other littles (a lot of girls joined this year, so the older sisters have tons of littles) and she always calls those other girls to go out, but never calls me. I almost feel like she doesn't like me or that she is mad at me. I know that I can call her too, but I feel that is the older sisters job to make the newer girls feel welcome...plus she calls her other littles and I don't want to impose because she doesn't seem to want to call me. I wanted to approach her on this matter but I know she will deny anything is wrong (she is that type of person) and I am kind of on the shy side with people that I don't know well and I practically don't know my big sister at all. This whole situation just makes me really sad because I feel like a big sis is someone you should be close to and have a special bond with. I feel like I am missing out especially when I see the girls in my pledge class running up to their big to give them a hug.

[Hootie]

Dear Greek Cutie,
I can sorta relate to your problem. When I got my big sister I didn't even know who she was. She wasn't one of the people on my list so I was very nervous. My big sis wasn't very active in the chapter so she failed to do the things she should have with me. But, luck would have it that I got very close with a bunch of the girls in the pledge class ahead of mine and I adopted one of them as my surrogant big sis. I did it in a way so that my real big sis didn't know about it (so I didn't hurt her feelings). Needless to say I didn't need just ONE big sis to have a BOND!
However, as a suggestion to your chapter and to whomever pairs up big sis/lil sis...
We were advised that if you honestly did not have time to devote to having a lil sis, that you did not take one. It's not fair to the lil sis! So perhaps bring that up in a nice way and see what the chapter has to say about it!
Good Luck and remember that you're loved by ALL your sisters!!!
Hootie

[33girl]

Greek Cutie,

Do you mean that she has 2 other littles in your pledge class?? Or are they littles from the just-past pledge classes?

If you feel like you are getting blown off when she does have time for her other littles, talk to your pledgemistress about it. Your big shouldn't have taken on the responsibility if she couldn't devote enough time to you. Some people can have 4 littles and devote time to all of them, some people can't handle one.

[StaC]

I can completely relate you both of you, GreekCutie and Hootie...my big sis wasn't really there for me either while I was a pledge. I did get my first choice and thought that it would be so great to have that bond with her as my big sis, but unfortunately it didn't work out that way. I think that we only went out one time and did something together In fact, she went inactive right after I activated. But, like Hootie, I too found other sisters that sort-of unoficially "adopted" me as their little. I agree that this should be brought up (in a nice way) to the chapter because having a big sis that you can count on and have a bond with is an important part of pledging, I think, and it's unfair to those who don't get to experience that.

[SoCalGirl]

This easily could have been written by one of my own lils. I'll be the first to admit that I wouldn't have won big sis of the year. However, my own big was even worse. So it's not like I had a good example of the way a big should be. If it weren't for the fact that you said she's close w/ the other lils I'd suggest maybe she has a similar problem.

You're right that it is her job to make you feel welcome. But we don't know why she's not calling you. I rarely called one of my lils because she had like a million different activities. I could never get a hold of her so I gave up. So maybe you can call her once in a while. She could be thinking that you were disapointed w/ her. Attempt to call her once a week. I bet she'll respond very quickly.

Here are some suggestions:
Her other lils are your twins. Call them!!! You must have something in common w/ them or you wouldn't have wound up w/ the same big.

Screw your big and ask another sister to adopt you! I would give her another chance before you do this though. Her feelings will definitely be hurt. But you need someone that will be there for you!

Bond w/ your pledge class and mom more. They'll probably be w/ you longer than your big.

Your big is only one sister. There's an entire chapter that should be making you feel welcome. Don't be afraid to confide in them.

Vow to be a better big than she was to you!

[AXOLiz]

Sorry everyone, I know this is a really really old topic, but I'm at work and insanely bored, so I went back and was skimming through all the old threads when I found this one...anyway, you all made me cry! My real big sister has been awful, she's what I like to call a "little hunter," the type to get close to new members just so she can expand her branch. The only reason I picked her is I couldn't pick between two other sisters, and everytime I tried to ask people for advice, they'd go on and on about how important it is and basically tried to get me to pick them. So I was worried the one I didn't pick would be upset, or even worse, that they'd be mad at each other, so I picked someone else entirely. We were kind of close at the time, but she has since been spreading stuff behind my back, and every time I have run for a position in the chapter, she'd either tell people I wouldn't be good or help the person running against me. Plus she turned our whole chapter in for alcohol violations that never occurred (check out the AXO forum for the full story..).

Anyway, what made me cry is that I was so glad to see I wasn't alone in wishing I could go back and choose my big again. After a whole bunch of heinous actions by my big, one of the two that I couldn't choose between in the first place adopted me (she just graduated and never had a little) and I don't know what I'm gonna do without her around next year. Trouble is, the rest of the chapter found out and I've gotten a million lectures from various people in the chapter (many of whom don't even talk to their bigs) about how cruel I'm being and how I'm completely violating the big and little sister bond (even though my "real" big blocked my e-mail address and IM name so I couldn't talk to her - she lives off-campus now). My twin even started in on me about how mean it was of me to have an "adopted big." And I'll admit, at first I just wanted to hurt my big like she hurt me, but that was maybe for the first second, and then I realized how my adopted big has ALWAYS been there for me no matter what and I was really sad that I didn't pick her in the first place. Anyway, sorry again about re-opening this thread, but I figured if anyone would understand that I love my adopted big and it really doesn't have anything to do with hurting my "real big" anymore, it'd be all of you, since my own sisters don't seem to get it.

Thanks for listening,
Liz



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Alpha Chi Omega - Why reach for the top when you're already there?

[kappagirl00]

Liz -- I'm emailing you

[LeslieAGD]

When I was a pledge (sorry, i know it's not PC), my Big was getting ready to student teach and very busy with school and work. She wasn't really into the bar/greek party scene and at first I thought she wouldn't be such a good big. Well, I was wrong. We wouldn't see each other much, but she called me and we would do lunch and stuff.

When I became a Big, I was determined to be a great Big to my lil sisters. I really make a point to spend time with them and also to get to know the newest group of pledges. I even took on an adopted lil when she felt abandoned by her Big.

My point is: if you have a bad new member experience or a less than attentive big, make a point of making it better for your future lil sisters and other new girls. Also, don't feel bad about having an adoptive big, but remember that you don't necessarily need the title of "adoptive Big" to get close to another member!

Good Luck, keep us posted!

[Jamesmom]

I don't often write to this site although I enjoy reading it. However, on the Big/Little topic....I have seen some great pairs and some not so great pairs. I agree when it is said, if you don't have the time to devote to a little sister than don't bother taking one. However, I think some sisters feel forced to take little sisters when the pledge class is very big. I was fortunate enough to have a wonderful Big Sister and because of her example I was extremely attentive to my little sister while she pledged and after. Today, my little sister is one of my best friends. In fact, she is the one who introduced me to my husband and she was one of my Brides Maids as I was one of hers at our weddings. Once she crossed over to Sisterhood, she became someone who I relied on as much as she relied on me. And although it is 9yrs. since she pledged, from time to time we will still refer to one another as "Big" and "Little". As for my Big Sister, well our lives took on separate paths since she graduated. We still keep in touch and I will be attending her wedding this December. I think that an effective Big Sister is a Sister that knows how to be a friend!! Yours in True Sisterhood!

[penguintpa_lady]

i can some what relate to all of you on this topic. I just came though in the fall & I hardly SAW my big moreless spend time with her. In the winter she went inactive.Just before spring break my big left for a internship @ disneyworld, for 6 mths i have yet to hear from her. at rush events everyone was introducing themselves, and thier bigs & littles, and i felt left out because not only was my big not there but i had NO "family" wit in my sorority.
a couple of weeks ago a older sister whom i have gotten close to asked me fi hse could adopt me. so last weekend we our " new girls" were activated , i was reactived with a new BIG SIS.i am so very happy to have a wonderful big sis like her & i know i will have plenty of wonderful times with her & my "new family".



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Bekki
DELTA SIGMA TAU

[ees125]

Well, in my chapter our Sister-Moms pick us. Which I think works out so much better becasue then you know they really wanted you as their Sister-Daugher. At first I did not think my Mom and I would get along, but eventually people started refering to us as the twins. We had a lot in common, and she was a great role model...2 years after my graduation and 3 after hers we still are in contact everyday even though we are an ocean apart right now. She was more than I ever hoped for!

Im sister-mother coordinator/chair of my chapter and I am really sorry that this happened to you. Likes ees (fellow AGD) at our chapter I match bigs and lils by interest and characteristics. No one one either sides knows who they will get, the only tim they do is when a big asks for a certain lil.

[AlphaChiGirl]

This big-little stuff has got me thinking. Sometimes I feel like I don't do enough to bond with my little (or some of the other girls in the house, for that matter). I didn't have that great of a relationship with my big. How can I rectify that? I'm not living in-house in the fall, and I'll be abroad in the spring.

[PinkStar17]

Also
AlphaChiGirl ..
its great that u want to make things better between u and ur lils ...
maybe plan a dinner for u and her/them.. before u leave.. plan small events for just u guys..like a spa day.. and do mud masks and read cosmo
and when u move do a pen pal thingy..
make an effort to keep in touch by letters.. so that u can have something to keep unlike an email which would usually get deleted or lost after a while.. send small pictures etc.. maybe that would work.. just my two pennies
goodluck



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Love, Honor, Truth

[SilverTurtle]

I had a great big. While we're not in regular contact any more, we do email occassionally & will always have a special bond. I had a "twin" too, and it's kind of the same way with her.

Our chapter did have a few bigs/lils that felt like they were missing out, so our chapter altered the way we assigned big-lil's. The bigs used to pick the lil's on bid night. Some people felt like this was too soon to really know who was the right lil' for them. So we started (& they still use) a "guardian angel" program. Basically, the bigs for that semester pick a different new member for each week of the new member (pledge) period. So the guardian angels rotate. At the end of the new member period, both the bigs and the lil's pref who they want for their actual big/lil.

This accomplishes two things:

• It allows the new members to feel more included and gets the actives involved with more than one new person.
• It provides everyone involved with a big/lil that they want and that they know they can turn to anytime.

I was kind of glad that I had the same big all through my new member period, but then again, she was a great big. Everyone i know who has gone through the guardian angel program loves it and wouldn't want to do it the "old way".

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SilverTurtle

Phi Beta Fraternity: National Professional Association for the Creative & Performing Arts