Is Change Possible?!?!

bgsugirlie · #1 03-05-2002, 01:57 AM

Here's my newest predicament...

There is this guy who I have sort of liked for awhile. We talk on the phone a lot, he's a great person...we don't exactly have a lot in common but I really enjoy his company.

His background:
He claims that he is ready for a relationship now. However, I find that slightly hard to believe because he is all about random hook-ups. I don't even want to imagine the # of girls he has slept with.

My question:
Do you think it is possible that he has changed and he is ready for a relationship?

***The only thing I am worried about is his dirtiness factor. He has been with ALOT of people...it would be a miracle if he didn't have an STD. Also I am scared to risk losing our friendship if things don't work out. I would be a lot more comfortable taking things slow but I don't think he is ready to have a relationship that isn't based on sex.

Any insight or advice?

James · #2 03-05-2002, 02:03 AM

Either wrap him totally in saran wrap or take him to campus health, they'll test him for free.

There is often a shelf lie to friendship, so the real question is whether you want to accerate the end.

IT can be accelerated by him blowing you off because you go beyond friendship but he isns't attracted to you.

Or because you o go out and it doesn't work out in the long run but breaks off before you would have lost contact anyway.

Go for it. He's a friend so he is a known quantity.

Give him wine and jump his bones. . guys like that.

bgsugirlie · #3 03-05-2002, 02:09 AM

LOL, James you have me cracking up...the saran wran part was just too funny :-)

**Thanks for the advice...I never thought about the shelf life aspect of a friendship...good point.

But I just need to ask, do you think it is possible that he is ready for a relationship or is it just one of his player strategies?

James · #4 03-05-2002, 02:22 AM

ok honestly. You girls need to get over this whole player thing. Most problems in relationships are insecurities, lack of certain skills, lack of clear objectives, and basically just head in ass syndrome . . .

So the question usually is someones internal state matching what they are saying in their press releases to the rest of us.

Who knows? But go for it anyway .. . .

Peaches-n-Cream · #5 03-05-2002, 12:12 PM

IMHO, stay away from him romantically unless or until you feel like you can trust him. Trust and respect are key factors in any relationship. If either is missing, the relationship probably won't last. I do believe that people can change if they decide that they want to change. Maybe he has become dissatisfied with playing the field and wants something emotionally deeper.

If you do decide to get 'involved' with him, he needs to get tested for a variety of STDs and viruses including HIV, hepatitis, and HPV. If he cares about you, he will be happy to do this for you and himself. Good luck!

damasa · #6 03-05-2002, 12:37 PM

It's not about the # of girls he's been with, that's all in the past, and just because he's been with A LOT of girls does not guarantee him to have an STD, unless he's running around w/o his willie covered. The point is, if you are interested enough to maybe start a relationship with him, it shouldn't matter about what he's done or where he's been. It should only matter about you two being together and where you are/will be heading. If he says he is ready for a relationship, chances are he may very well be. BUT, you need to talk to him about it, find out if there are any feelings involved first, regardless of having something in common or not. The only thing that that you two need to have common is the feeling to want to be with one another, if that's not there, than there's a mere chance at a relationship.

h2oot · #7 03-05-2002, 12:39 PM

I wouldn't count on his changing anytime soon. Especially if he's pre-menopausal...lol (jk).

Really though, people typically don't change until they've run into the proverbial brick wall. I would ask myself: Do I want to be girl #123 (or whatever)? And don't tease yourself into believing that this time he will be different. If you want to go out with a guy who is what you are looking for, then wait until he stops being a player and acts like what you want for a while...but don't hold your breath.

I'm not in the guy-rescue business. People only change when THEY want to change (and after a lot of hard work), not when YOU want them to change. Here's an analogy--you don't marry a drunk and try to sober him up, you marry a guy who is sober (that doesnt mean that at one point he may not have been a drunk).

On the other hand, if you can go into this with no expectations and just want some fun (loosely speaking), then go for it.

ErikaXO · #8 03-05-2002, 06:10 PM

I hate to possibly get totally flamed by the guys for this, but I would RUN the other way.

It was my experience that if these so-called players did change, it wasn't until well after college when the eternal spring of female flesh ran dry. I found that if I got warned about a guy, the warning was usually right no matter how sweet and reformed he came off.

I never wanted to get involved with a guy who I knew I couldn't get sexual with without obtaining signed medical clearance from his Dr!!!!!!!

I have to admit, though, I loved playing some of these "players." I would let them think I was getting involved with them and eating up their crap spiel......then I would just do to them what they were planning to do to me.....let me tell you, they can't take it!!!!!!!It KILLS a "player" to get played!!!!!!!

KSigkid · #9 03-05-2002, 07:34 PM

Be careful of reputations...for one reason or another they start, and they're not always accurate.

Damasa's right - you talk to the kid now, and you said you "enjoy his company," so there may be the starts of something there already. If it's going to make you happy, you shouldn't discount it because of his past. Talk to him about it, be open with him about it, and he'll offer the same to you. You can read at that point what he's feeling, and make a decision from there.

I wouldn't recommend going by reputation though.

Collin

bgsugirlie · #10 03-05-2002, 07:42 PM

Well, thanks for all the responses so far...I really do appreciate them

I'm going to give you guys some more background info that may help:
I kinda told him how I felt about him already...and he seemed cool with it. We still talk on the phone all the time. He always invites me over to his apartment, but I never go because it always turns into an occassion for him to try to make a move (and I'm not sure how far I'm ready to go with him yet)...at least that is what it turned into before I told him how I felt.

Also, here's another thing I'm curious about...maybe one of you have been in the same situation...
How do I tell him that I don't want to fool around with him because he is a little dirty? And I have no idea how to ask him to get tested without making it sound totally rude. Any help on this?

damasa · #11 03-05-2002, 08:09 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by bgsugirlie

Also, here's another thing I'm curious about...maybe one of you have been in the same situation...
How do I tell him that I don't want to fool around with him because he is a little dirty? And I have no idea how to ask him to get tested without making it sound totally rude. Any help on this?

For that, I would do this: I would ask or maybe even suggest that you and him both get tested together? That seems to be the best way to do it without getting him too pissed. Say it is just so you both can be careful because it is the right thing to do, or something like that. Your campus medical center should do it for free, if not free, it should be quite cheap. I mean, by volunteering yourself to get tested too, he might think that it is a good idea, and you not really calling him "dirty."

h2oot · #12 03-06-2002, 12:52 AM

My follow-up thoughts are these:

If you and he dont have a romanticl/love-based relationship with some deeper feelings I doubt if he would get tested. There are two reasons for him to get tested 1) one he loves you and wants to show his respect for you by making sure he is clean or 2) its a price he has to pay for some sex. In the first instance you may have a chance, while in the latter forget it.

I may sound like Dr. Phil here, but your use of the word dirty implies that there is something really repulsive to you about his past behavior. Maybe more than the possibility of STD. If that is true you may want to rethink why you want to do this.

About his reputation, I would go with what you feel. Its you that has to deal with the consequences and whether you can get past your opinions of him and what you think of yourself if you do have that relationship. Maybe I am wrong but I think you have more feelings than just your fear of STD.