What to do?

TriDeltaGal · #1 03-01-2002, 06:51 AM

Okay GCers, I have a question... I just came back from an exchange and I met a really cool guy. We had so much fun dancing all night and he was just a really awesome person. However, like in most cases, whenever you are nice to a guy and actually have a fun time and good conversation, they automatically assume that you are attracted to him, as did this guy. I was not attracted to this guy but he is so COOL and I would definitely want to be his friend. I don't think I was leading him on, but I think I might had when we were dancing but I thought we were just having fun. I didn't have the heart to tell this guy that I have a boyfriend and he tried to put the moves on me and invited to chill at the house for a while after the party. I didn't, but I gave him my number (because he asked) so we could hang out and a friendly hug. But, I don't know how he took it; does he think I'm a tease or a prude or whatever? We had hung out through acqaintances before and that is why I hung out with him at the event. I think I've been out of the dating pool for too long because I don't know what to do. I would really like to become friends and I don't want this to have a bad reflection on my house. So what should I do if he calls and also if he doesn't and I see him around? If we do talk, how should I tell him I have a boyfriend but want to be friends? Thanks for your help, I am really stressing and probably for no reason and I hope I don't sound like a big bitch.

aggieAXO · #2 03-01-2002, 08:00 AM

honesty is the best policy-just be frank with him-if he doesn't understand then to bad for him. I always refer back to the movie When Harry Met Sally-when Harry said that men and women can't be just friends-I use to believe this was BS but almost all the guys that I try to be friends with want it to lead to something else with the exception of a very few. When I explain to them-I just want to be friends-I never hear from them again-oh well. I do soooo cherish the guys that are the exceptions-I work with 2 of them and they are fantastic (one of them I already dated but we still remain very good friends)

Guys-is it true that women and men can't "just be friends"??????

KillarneyRose · #3 03-01-2002, 10:01 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by aggieAXO
Guys-is it true that women and men can't "just be friends"??????

LOL, Karen! Do you watch Sex and the City? Every episode Sarah Jessica Parker's character poses a question and the camera pans to the letters popping up on her computer screen. I was just kind of picturing that when I read your reply!

h2oot · #4 03-01-2002, 12:14 PM

I hear ya TriDeltaGal. Went through that myself for a full year before I found some sweet (but cool) guys who were willing to accept me as JUST a friend. My suggestion is to be honest about what you feel and expect. A big difficulty I had was that the expectations of the guys and myself werent the same and I am NOT one to make out for the sake of making out or appeasing some guy. There were those who thought I was a tease cuz I wouldn't play their game. But thats ok, its not what they think that really matters.

If he calls say "hi" and be yourself and if he doesnt call and you run into him on campus say "hi" and be yourself. In neither case will you reflect poorly on your house. The person you have to be true to is one one looking at you in the mirror.

Can guys and gals be friends? Yes, but as the movie says, there are those random thoughts, which is OK. Having a few thoughts doesnt mean you arent friends or that you have to act on them.

AchtungBaby80 · #5 03-01-2002, 01:00 PM

I'm starting to think guys and girls just can't be friends. Every time I get to know a guy pretty well and we get to the point of being friends, he either 1) develops a crush on one of my friends (who doesn't return his affections) and then I'm stuck in the middle, or 2) develops a crush on me, which ruins our friendship because I just want to stay friends. Also, the fact that a girl has a boyfriend seems to make guys all the more determined. What's the deal? This has happened numerous times just in the three years I've been at university, and I've completely given up hope of ever having a guy friend, unless he's gay.

TriDeltaGal · #6 03-01-2002, 02:04 PM

Thanks guys, you have made me feel better about the whole situation. I just feel in the whole fraternity/sorority party breeds this unspoken "let's find the guy I'm going to hook up with tonight" in nearly every sorority on campus and these guys expect it. But, the girls in my house that also have boyfriends are honestly not that much fun to hang out with at our exchanges and six-ways with the fraternities because they are always so worried "Oh, what would Josh think if he saw me dancing with another guy?". I truly love my boyfriend but I'm only going to be in college once in my life (and only for two years since I transfered from a community college) and I don't want to act like I am married yet. I say have fun and just don't do anything stupid you will regret in the morning.
About this guy though, I have a close friend in the house who he knows so I wonder if he will ask him about me first and find out. I really would like to be friends with him. He was pretty cool and not all macho, so he might want to be too. I don't know, when I think about the other guy friends I have made at school, most of the time there has been some sexual tension in the beginning. I think it is the whole college environment. But luckily, I got some amazing friends out of the whole thing who were okay with the whole boyfriend thing so maybe this will happen too!
I am definitely going to take all of your advice, its like my own personal "Dear Abby", you all have really helped.

lovelyivy84 · #7 03-01-2002, 02:34 PM

In my experiece the only times where there has been a REAL friendship between a guy and a girl has been when there was NO sexual attraction AT ALL, or if there was on the part of one party then they were smart enough to understand how the other felt and cool enough to respect that instead of pushing it.

It also works when there is a social taboo involved- like between races, ethnicities, etc.

I have a lot of very close male friends but they are all men that I would never ever ever have sex with. Being friends with a guy you could potentially like, especially when you have a man, can be dangerous. I am not saying that you will hook up but when it is two attractive adults well then feelings develop and things can and OFTEN do happen!

juniorgrrl · #8 03-01-2002, 03:05 PM

Absolutely women and men can be friends. Some of my best friends are guys. So many times girls are, well, just plain bitchy. I'd rather hang out with a group of guys because (my friends at least) are fun, laid back, aren't trying to hump anything that walks by in a skirt and just are really cool people. If we get pissed, we tell each other off, and the next day its like nothing ever happend.

Plus, its kinda fun to be "the girl" and get the attention for that

dzrose93 · #9 03-01-2002, 03:15 PM

If the guy calls, my advice is to have just a normal conversation with him and throw in a little comment about your boyfriend in the middle. He'll probably get the hint.

For example: if you're talking about cool places in town to hang out, mention that you and your boyfriend are going to dinner at one of the popular restaurants on Saturday.... or if sports come up in the convo, say "oh yeah, my boyfriend plays intramurals for XYZ." See what I mean? Just a casual statement will let the guy know that you're off the market, but it won't sound as if you're trying to dismiss him from your life completely. Hope this helps!

TriDeltaGal · #10 03-01-2002, 03:37 PM

juniorgrrl, I totally hear you on hanging out with guys. Sometimes it is so much easier to get along with them vs. other girls.

lovelyivy84, I wasn't attracted to him but I know he was to me. I think like most guys, if you are nice to them and make an effort to have fun with them, they assume you are in love with them. I don't think that it is nessesarily true that there can't be any sexual attraction in a boy/girl friendship. Honestly, my best guy friends are guys that liked me or I like them at one time. I believe that it is that inital attraction that makes you want to hang out with them and realize you realize how cool they are and then the friendship grows. So, I definitely understand you on the one party attraction thing. Also, most of my guy friends now I find sexual attractive. I don't know if I like the danger in this because I have a boyfriend (who goes away to school) or what or if it is their attractiveness that first made me want to get t know them. I hope that doesn't make me sound shallow, but it is true.

Everyone has some great insight into this subject, thanks for all of your help. I really hope he calls or I see him because he is awesome and I don't want things to be wierd when I go to his fraternity house.

aggieAXO · #11 03-02-2002, 01:11 AM

Tracy,

When I was typing the question I did for a second feel like Carrie from SATC-he he he.

Quote:

Originally posted by KillarneyRose

LOL, Karen! Do you watch Sex and the City? Every episode Sarah Jessica Parker's character poses a question and the camera pans to the letters popping up on her computer screen. I was just kind of picturing that when I read your reply!

Peaches-n-Cream · #12 03-02-2002, 03:51 PM

I wish that I had such problems when I was in college. I was the "friend" type.

I do think that college parties and mixers can have a hook up atmosphere.