need advice please

precious25 · #1 03-02-2002, 08:40 PM

well, i'm not really sure where this belongs actually, but oh well. i have a question for anyone whose boyfriend (or girlfriend) is greek, here it is: i am the type of person who just cannot stand secrets being kept from me, it drives me up a wall. my boyfriend's in a fraternity so as you all know he can't tell me about a good amount of stuff they do. it gets to me so much cause we're so close but i still can't know some stuff. i don't bug him about it or anything, and i don't want to. i know he'd tell me if i was completely insistent, but i don't want to do that, i respect the fraternity and its traditions.. you know? so.. i was just wondering if anybody else has gone through this... it's tough for me, i could use some advice! thank you..

James · #2 03-02-2002, 09:14 PM

Well secrets can be a very good thing in a relationship, most are not important:

The heart cherishes secrets not worth the telling.

As far as fraternity stuff goes, generally only Ritual related topics are secret. Although many people in organizations are paranoid about revealing even simple things, especially involving pledging.

I am not sure why you are upset, unless you think he is hiding events that will alow him to be unfaithful to you?

You might wnt to examine your own feelings and see what the issue is here: are you just really curious? Or do you hate the idea of not being part of every aspect of his life?

Regardless, it will be good practice to get used to the idea that there are things people will never share with you and that you may never even have a clue about. And usually there is no malice involved.

But if you are really miserable you willjust have to leave him because its unfair to try and pressure him to break faith or change him in a fundamental way.

precious25 · #3 03-02-2002, 09:21 PM

James- thanks for responding, i did mean to mention that the issue is most definitely my own. i don't want him to tell me these things, cause i know that he's not supposed to with the ritual and stuff. i know he's not cheating on me or anything, thats not my concern. though i dont like to admit it, i guess the answer is that i dont like being left out of this part of his life, especially being that he's away at college this year and im at home (next yr ill be at the same college as him). im not asking how i can get him to tell me, im really just looking for advice on how to overcome this hurdle in my mind. thanks, i hope i clarified everything!

James · #4 03-02-2002, 10:15 PM

Well in that case lol . . the real problem is he is farther away and doing new stuff . . that sucks

Let it go, make a rule with yourself not to ask, and get a couple secrets of your own

. you'll feel better.

Hootie · #5 03-02-2002, 10:15 PM

I honestly don't know what to tell you because I've never been in your situation. Personally if you're still in highschool and he's in college, I'd find it easier to be more worried about him going off to school and meeting new people than what kind of ritual secrets he may aquire in the next semester.
But that's just me.

I'd say just be supportive and if it really gets to you, you can either explain to him where you are coming from, except it, or move on. It's just something you're going to have to deal with.

Hope that helps (hope that doesn't sound snotty either).

Hootie

RacizmSux · #6 03-02-2002, 10:24 PM

Dunt be skurred!

AchtungBaby80 · #7 03-03-2002, 01:17 PM

Don't worry about it. If you join a sorority next year, you'll have your own secrets!

But seriously, I can see where it'd be annoying. My boyfriend is not Greek and he doesn't really understand why I can't tell him certain things. (He laughs when I tell him "it's a secret!") The thing is, though, you'd probably feel bad if he did finally break down and spill everything, right? You know, I have an idea--what if you started hanging out with your boyfriend and his fraternity a little bit (you know, going to their date parties, etc.) so that you could sort of get to know them. I think that would help alleviate some of the "left out" feelings.

precious25 · #8 03-03-2002, 04:48 PM

AchtungBaby80~
thanks very much.. i don't want to be mean to everyone else but i think you got what i meant and no one else did! so thank you very much..

kdgirlie · #9 03-03-2002, 06:11 PM

I think I know where you are coming from, I don't like secrets either. I agree that you should definately get to know the brothers, after a while it won't seem like such a big deal. It would probably also be a good idea to talk to him and explain your feelings to him so he could be aware of it.

HeavenslilAngel · #10 03-03-2002, 06:56 PM

All the advice here sounds great. I would seriously consider rushing a sorority, that way you know some of what he goes through and you can be part of some secret stuff. Maybe not rituals but in a sorority you have a ritual as well and then you could have your ritual and he could have his and the whole greek experience could be one more thing you have in common with him. Just my suggestion.