Immigrants, Traditional Cultures and Greek Life

[Sistermadly]

I'm especially interested in hearing from advisors and/or Greeks who have immigrant parents in this thread.

I advise a chapter here in the Pacific Northwest whose roster reads like a veritable United Nations. Because of this, from time to time we have new members who end up in family conflict because their parents believe the idea of sorority membership goes against their tradiational cultural beliefs. I've never personally had to deal with this as an advisor, so I'm asking here for some input.

Without going into too much detail (to protect the identity of the parties involved), if you're an advisor or a fraternity/sorority member who was in a similar situation, I'm interested to know how you handled it. What did you say to the parents to get them to reconsider? Did you ever have to give up on having a particular member in the chapter because parental opposition was so strong?

Thanks in advance - I'm kind of in a time crunch, so fast replies are greatly appreciated.

In the years I've been with my chapter I don't think we've ever had to deal with that kind of conflict, but I do recall my mom giving me a hard time when I showed interest in pledging.

My mom's an immigrant from the Philippines and AFAIK there were no sororities at her college then (The University of Santo Tomas). There were social clubs and honor societies, but that's about it. I was thankful that she had some kind of clue as to what a sorority was about, but I do realize that many children of immigrant parents are the first ones in their family to attend college, so not everyone is as lucky as I am.

Money was always the issue she had the biggest problem with. Not the time constraints...not the toll it might take on my studies...always the money. She couldn't understand why I had to pay so much in monthly dues to be "part of a club".

She came to a family event that semester, and once she got to meet my new sisters, and once she realized Alpha Gam wasn't just a local thing (she was impressed with how we are on a national/international level), she got some peace of mind and knew that I wasn't squandering my $$$ away.

sismadly, what kind of cultural traditions are they going against? Religious? Social?

[Sistermadly]

Thanks, OTW.

The issues are religious and social, namely, the whole boys and booze thing. We had a Parents Tea yesterday and we were really hoping that this member would show up with her folks, but they didn't - they flat out refused to go. I don't want to encourage anyone to lie to their parents about the sorority and their involvement, and I don't feel comfortable with telling her parents a "lie of omission".

[tunatartare]

I'm from Russia and I moved here with my parents when I was seven and a half. When I first joined a sorority, my parents were REALLY against it, they were like "well ok if that's what you really want, but we think it's a bad idea." Eventually they did warm up to it when they realized how much I loved it. Even now though, my mom always tells me I'm spending too much time doing stuff for the sorority or whatnot. I think part of it is a cultural thing because my parents don't know anyone in sororities. Being from Communist Russia, the only groups like sisterhoods or whatnot that they are familiar with, were ones that were mandatory to join that dealt with communist issues. My parents were both members of such a group called the Pioneers (think Hitler Youth only without the Nazis, if that makes any sense) because they were forced into it, so I think that definitely had something to do with why they're anti greek life.

[Stacekat]

I've had this problem MANY times. I advise a very diverse chapter. They are all great girls. In the past, we have lost a couple due to religious differences. One girl last year just felt like she didn't fit in after she was initiated. Her religion banned her from drinking. She didn't go to parties and was never really social. Not to say you need to drink/party to be in a sorority, she just felt like an outsider which was odd because we have multiple girls who don't "party".

In the end, sometimes you just have to let them go. We currently have one girl whose parents are EXTREMELY strict. It has nothing to do with culture. She is a typical sorority girl, from a very non-religous family. She even had a curfew during recruitment. The poor girl was nearly in tears when she asked me if she could go home early because her dad wanted her home. Ultimately, their family should be the most important thing to them. If it isn't, they have thier priorites out of whack!

Maybe you could have a conversation with the parent directly to put thier mind at ease. If they need special passes to go home early from events, you should accomodate the member. The family is just trying to look out for the best interest of thier child.

If you want to chat directly about the situation you can pm me and I'll give you my phone number.

[Taualumna]

Emphasizing philanthropy did not work?

[33girl]

Originally posted by Taualumna
Emphasizing philanthropy did not work?

You can't lie and say everything they do is philanthropy...it just isn't true. Let's face it, college students will be around mixers and formals and if their culture is against it they have to find a way to deal with it.

I think the main thing to put across to the parents is that everything is VOLUNTARY and anything that makes them uncomfortable they will not be expected to do. You might also want to let them know that the ritual isn't some mystical cult ceremony or something.

[Sistermadly]

Originally posted by 33girl
You can't lie and say everything they do is philanthropy...it just isn't true. Let's face it, college students will be around mixers and formals and if their culture is against it they have to find a way to deal with it.

Word. The parents know the deal. They know about parties, and that's the biggest issue with them. I could tell them about philanthropy and networking out the ying-yang, but I honestly think that since they're fixated on the boys/booze issue, they're not going to want to hear anything else.

The voluntary aspect is a good angle - thanks for the tip, 33girl.

[SigmaKappaRoyal]

I was a first generation greek in my family, but my mom was very supportive. Although she was super supportive, she still found talking with our advisor at Memory Walk a valuable experience. Even though she had no problems with me being in a sorority, she still had some questions and maybe even some misconceptions about sorority life that the advisor was able to clear up, and my mom broadened her knowledge of sorority life.

If you can somehow talk to the girl's parents, invite them into a dialogue, perhaps they will have their questions and concerns addressed and they will feel better about her being in a sorority. Let them know that parents are an important aspect and that you can work with them.

[Sistermadly]

Another question I have:

Would it be seen as arrogant for someone outside of the family culture to speak with the parents in a situation like this? In other words, what sorts of things should I be sensitive to in preparation for the meeting?

[PhoenixAzul]

Originally posted by Sistermadly
Another question I have:

Would it be seen as arrogant for someone outside of the family culture to speak with the parents in a situation like this? In other words, what sorts of things should I be sensitive to in preparation for the meeting?

If you know where the family is from, it might be helpful to look up some cultural norms. I.E., is all information filtered through the father/patriarch, when is it/is it not appropriate to make eye contact and with whom, polite greetings (in some cultures, women shaking hands with men is a no no, etc.). Also, being sure you can correctly pronounce last and first names (be careful about using first names...also a cultural thing) shows care on your part. Also, take note of appropriate dress (typically, more conservative dress (pinwear is what I think you NPC girls deam it is a better choice).

[SoCalGirl]

As an advisor I've never had to deal with it. The chapter members and chapter officers always handled these type of things when I was a collegiate. It was rare in my chapter (same one that I advise) for a sister to have greek family members and having immigrant parents was extrememely common. Most of the girls whose parents were strongly against it simply didn't tell their parents that they pledged. Several of my sisters were seniors before the parents suspected. It's not a solution for everyone.

I do believe that a really great advisor can do wonders to relieve a parent's concerns. However, if there are any parents of current members that are supportive of the chapter; I would suggest having them speak to the concerned parents.

[carnation]

I agree with the posters who said to have someone from that culture speak with the parents. When I was in Angel Flight at the U of Hawaii, we had to deal with this a lot, particularly with the Samoans. The dads would even grill the other members when we called their daughters:"Why do you want to talk to my daughter? It's already 8 PM, can you wait until tomorrow?" However, there wasn't anybody more experienced in American culture who could talk to them.

Now I deal with it with Hispanic girls in Scouting. It's much, much easier to have another fairly recent immigrant talk to them about the importance of showing up for certain events even if the daughter's seventh cousin twice removed *is* having a birthday party....otherwise they'll tell the leaders that certainly their daughter will be at bridging and then not show up, time after time.

[Sistermadly]

These are all great suggestions everyone - thank you so much. I'll keep you posted on any developments.

[Private I]

KLPDaisy my parents were also pioneers as was my older sister but in Yugoslavia they are NOT I repeat NOTHING like Hitler youth! Rather they were like Girl or Boy scouts with summer camps and Pioneer Olympics and volunteering all over the country to help rebuild it after the devastation of WWII.

That said, coming from a multicultural sorority we run into a lot of problems. There are parents who still believe their daughters are in a cult, others who think all the sisters are lesbians trying to 'convert' their daughters to homosexuality, things of that sort. Obviously none are true but the only person who can understand the experience of being Greek is he/she who is Greek him/herself. In the end, parents always see how dedicated we are to promoting academics, service and leadership while having close sisterly bonds all experienced through multiculturalism. In fact, for Parents' Weekend a couple of weeks ago, we had a dinner at a Japanese restaurant all together to get to know each other and had a wonderful time.