Is it normal to regret which sorority you joined?

[FirePaint]

Now, I have nothing against my sorority on a national level... Our values are great and all, but the local chapter I am a part of is absolutely horrendous. It is the most abysmal excuse for a sisterhood I have ever seen. I have gone through some of the most difficult times of my life in the past six months, but no one has been there for me except for my roommate (who is in the same sorority). At the beginning of the school year, I put myself out there and tried to make new friends. But after an incident at home mid-fall, people weren't talking to me anymore. Nobody bothered to even text or call to ask how I was holding up.

It only got worse from there. I began struggling with depression, anorexia, and self-harm, but nobody noticed nor cared when I tried to bring up how down I had been. I thought sisters were supposed to be there for each other?

About mid-January, I realized I was pregnant, and told my roommate (and obviously my boyfriend). I had a feeling not to tell anyone else - I had a feeling something bad would happen. About a month later, I miscarried, and locked myself up in my room and cried for days. When I went to work, my coworkers were more concerned about me than my own sisters.

My roommate and I have talked about it so much - the sisterhood in our chapter is so miserable that it's actually pushed me to transfer schools. I'm so lonely, even though I live with 11 "sisters." At this rate, I'll honestly be surprised if the chapter makes it another two years. There are cliques, and everyone gossips about each other. We have had chapter discussions about the differences between gossiping about sisters and venting about sisters - and it's always pure, shallow gossip. I can't have a serious conversation with anyone except my roommate.

All I want is that bond of sisterhood. I want to have friendships like the ones I see of my friends in other sororities, and it makes me wish I had joined a different sorority. It makes me wish I had never been initiated into my sorority so when I transfer I could try a different sorority.

I just needed to get everything off of my chest, and I apologize for the long post.

Am I just overreacting? Is any of this my fault? Or did I just join the most screwed up "sisterhood" on the face of the earth?

[WhiteDaisy128]

It sounds like you would benefit from making an appointment with a councilor at your school's heath center. Even the BEST sisterhoods aren't trained to help/support some of the major issues you are facing.

You said that you kinda stopped "putting yourself out there" -- you can't really expect sisters to swarm to embrase you if you have withdrawn so much. Many sisters will just not quite know how to handle so many deep problems. A councilor will be able to help much more.

Good luck and I hope you seek the help you need to get back on the right track health wise.

[summer_gphib]

I agree with White Daisy. It would also help if you stopped playing the "what if" game. The fact is that you DIDN'T join another sorority, and you cannot join another NPC. EVER. Under any circumstances. So there is no use crying over it. You should be trying your best to deal with the situation at hand. Are all sisterhoods roses? NO. Every sisterhood has it's issues. Even the ones you are admiring have stuff going on and issues to resolve. Looking at your sisterhood from a negative point of view and using words like "most screwed up sisterhood on the face of the earth" is just making the problem worse. I'm truly sorry about your miscarriage, but you've got to pick up the pieces and see your own behavior has not helped the situation. YOU pulled away from the sisterhood. If you haven't even tried to talk to your sisters about the situation, how can they help? Go get a counselor and try some therapy. Your sisters are NOT therapists, and it sounds like that is what you need.

[ElvisLover]

Yes, please, for the sake of your present and future emotional/mental health, get some professional help as soon as you can.

[adpiucf]

Everyone experiences buyers' remorse at some point in her collegiate membership. It can happen frequently throughout your membership, regardless of whether you received your first choice or tenth choice sorority. Women will say, "I love what the organization stands for, I just don't know about my chapter and I feel like I don't fit in." Also, as they get closer to graduation, they will say, "This is not the chapter I joined." All are perfectly normal because sororities are composed of people. We don't always get along with everyone, and we don't always take the time to cultivate relationships.

Being part of a sorority does not mean you suddenly have 50+ BFFs. Friendships take time and effort to cultivate. Even then, friendships can go through ups and downs, like any other relationships.

Being part of a sorority means you have joined a service and social organization. It gives you opportunities to serve your community, to meet new people, to develop leadership skills, and the opportunity to make friends. You get out what you put into it, and if you aren't putting yourself out there and cultivating friendships, then people are not going to be concerned when you're not coming around, for whatever the reason. Because the word "sister" is misleading in some respects. The members will be there for you, but you have to also be there for them and put yourself out there in return.

I wish you the best. It sounds like you have had some difficult experiences lately, and you might want to take this time to let your sisters in on what has been happening with you, as well as taking the advice given here to seek counseling. Best of luck.

[33girl]

You're telling a very one-sided tale. You've also talked about your other issues before, most of which are not things that 18-21 year old girls are equipped to handle or counsel you on, especially if you've cut yourself off from them so much that they barely know you. I suggest you stop trashing your sorority. It will not empower you in the least. The counselor that you're seeing should have the brains to tell you that. If not, get a new one.

Honestly, even if you were free to join another group when you transferred, I would advise you against it. It sounds like your fiance sucks up half of your non-school time and the various unfortunate things that you're dealing with suck up the other half.

[Kevin]

Very good advice here. If you're withdrawn due to depression and other mental health issues, it would be a rare, exceptional sister who would be equipped to even recognize what you're going through. While they may not have been much of a help, which is at least partially not true, because it seems you have a very close friend in your roommate, you really can't blame them.

As for gossip, etc., it doesn't sound like you personally have the desire in the next 8 weeks or so to do anything to change the culture of your chapter. That's a cultural issue best addressed with the support of your alumnae advisers who more than likely have been there/done that.

It sounds like the best thing to do right now is to focus on getting things right with yourself. Stop blaming other people, be responsible for you. Definitely continue in counseling. You also might what to get evaluated by a psychiatrist just to make sure there aren't any imbalance sort of issues.

[adpiucf]

I'm confused. You are transferring to get away from your sorority? You can drop out of your sorority, you know. It's a lot less time-consuming and expensive than transferring schools.

I read your last thread. Is this boyfriend also the same as your fiance?

Honestly, I do think the issues reside with you. You have a lot going on, you've closed yourself off from your friends (per your last thread), and you seem to have trouble holding conversations (re: "How was class?" "Good, thanks." "Ok, bye"), in addition to your medical and traumatic issues you previously discussed here and the other thread. There are always going to be issues in any chapter, but your misery seems to stem from a lot other things personal to you and you are upset with people who you admittedly aren't being friendly with because you've shut them out.

It sounds like sorority life is not really beneficial for you. Have you considered resigning your membership? Greek Life isn't for everyone, and it looks like you have a lot on your plate right now that you are not equipped to handle. I would try to eliminate the stressors in your life. If you aren't connecting with your sorority (and I really don't think you've tried, but on the other hand, you have a huge list of extenuating circumstances), I'd make this your last semester and cancel your membership.

Yes, yes, sorority membership is "for a lifetime," but it's a not necessarily a good fit for everyone. Most everyone, yes, but this seems an exception. Work on yourself.

[DaffyKD]

1. Your sisters are young ladies who are the same age as you. College girls are maturing but may not have reached a maturity level to deal with major issues such as yours. I second/third/fourth the advise you were given to get some professional help. On top of your depression problems you had a miscarriage which not only messes with your hormones but is a traumatic assault on your body and psyche. See a doctor now!

2. You can drop your membership, but then you will miss out on the lifetime experiences of your sisterhood. I joined my sorority in the dark ages. I see very few of my sisters who were in the house at the time I was active, but I am very close with the sisters I have met through my alumnae association. We are older, wiser and grayer. We have learned to give support to our sisters who are dealing with cancer, life issues and in several cases death.

3. You and your roommate can sit down with a few sisters who you may feel comfortable talking with about your issues. Let them know how you are feeling and what is happening. They may be able to help the other members understand how you are feeling.

With all the advice given, I would place finding a great therapist and doctor as your number 1 priorities.

DaffyKD

[thetalady]

This may sound really harsh, but it is nothing more than my flea-bitten opinion. I think that you should finish the semester, leave school & go back home for at LEAST a year. You have so much on your plate and I think you need a tremendous amount of emotional support & therapy.

Once you have a better handle on life and your physical & mental health improves, then you can make a decision about whether or not you want to return to this college or go to school closer to home. It really sounds to me like you have FAR too much going on right now to get much of anything out of school. Frankly, I don't think you should be engaged right now either, but you didn't ask us about that.

Leave with your sorority bill paid in full, so that you can either take alumna status or possibly rejoin your sorority if you return to campus. Leave yourself options. Again... this is nothing more than my opinion.

[lunalovegood]

After reading this thread and then the one 33girl linked... I can empathize with your situation, and I am so sorry you're going through this. Major hugs to you. I was raped my first semester of college by a fellow freshman who also went Greek. I was dealing with many of the problems you were as well - self injury, depression, and PTSD. I wasn't fitting in with my sisters. You can read my thread where people gave lovely advice, even if some of it was harsh. I'll probably touch on topics in both of your threads (this and the one 33girl linked); hope that's okay with you.

Most young adults are not equipped to deal with these things. It doesn't mean they aren't well-meaning, they just don't know how to handle it. Rape, especially, comes with a huge stigma. I know that some sisters didn't believe me, and maybe some still don't, but I realize it's nobody's business but my own and who I chose to disclose it with. I'm not going to say that sisterhood isn't amazing and wonderful, and that sisters won't be there for you, but not everyone is going to be your best friend there. I started off by talking to sisters I felt cared more, and talking to them one on one to make connections.

It also takes time for serious friendships to develop. Those "serious conversations" don't happen just overnight, and with everyone. Again, start small, just one person.

If your sisterhood was aware there was an incident at home, it's possible they wanted to give you space and not bother you. Have you taken any initiative to text them or make plans yourself? I know you don't drink, but you absolutely DO NOT HAVE TO DRINK WHEN YOU GO OUT. You can go to a party without drinking and no one will care. You do not have to go to the fraternity that your rapist is in.

I know it's hard as a survivor to feel like you don't fit in with anyone around you, and to socialize with people. I know everyone suggested therapy, but it really sounds like you need something that isn't just "talking". I highly, highly recommend doing dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) which is essentially a set of skills - one of them is interpersonal effectiveness. As a trauma survivor, I can't rave enough about how much this helped me. If medication is an option, I'd suggest that as well. I'd bring up these things to your therapist, and if you need to, please switch. Trauma isn't something that's always super-easy to recover from and I know those lonely feelings absolutely suck.

If, like most other users say, a semester or year off seems like a good idea... do it. It may not be best for you, and it wasn't for me. Even just having the summer to myself helped a lot. You do need to do what is best for you. If you think that is becoming closer with your sisters, you will have to put effort and work into doing it. I'm not a natural extrovert by any means, but you learn. The internet is a fabulous tool to help find strategies to build that skill.

And... it does get better. I want you to know that. If you ever feel the need to chat or vent, please please PLEASE PM me. I really wish you luck in dealing with everything.

[KDCat]

I was raped over Thanksgiving break during my senior year. It really messed me up. I had mental health needs that could not be me outside of a support group and medication. I developed PTSD, which still reoccurs.

This is not a problem that your sisters or friends or a college professor or a boyfriend can solve for you. You need therapy. You are in a lot of emotional pain. You are resentful of the people around you because you are in pain, and they don't seem to be helping. It's not their fault, though. They can't fix this for you. They don't have the resources. It doesn't matter how much support they give you. It doesn't matter how much they listen and understand and support you. It won't be enough. You are seeking something from the people around you that they don't have to give. It's normal to feel the way you do, but your pain is skewing your preceptions.

This is going to take some time to heal. I'm sorry. It totally sucks. The way you feel is normal for what happened to you. It's like a death. It will take awhile to get over it. A support group and medication helped me a great deal.

EDIT: lunalovegood's suggestion of DBT is a good one. It emphasizes several techniques that helped me a lot; mindfulness and acceptance, in particular, were useful skills for me to learn to practice. Learning skills to cope with pain and fear also help a lot.

More on DBT here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialect...havior_therapy

[DubaiSis]

It's a very common problem for people ESPECIALLY young people to think the whole world knows exactly what they're feeling. You think they see a girl in a desperate situation who needs a continual friend and they are so mean that they don't even care. What they see (probably) is an anti-social girl who never talks to anyone or participates in anything. I can all but guarantee you dropping out isn't going to solve anything.

You've gotten some significant suggestions here from women who have also gone through some tough times. I would really consider taking some time away from school and the house to get your mental health back in order. And it wouldn't surprise me that you have some physical issues that need to be addressed as well.

Do NOT try to do this on your own, and if you do want to get your sisters involved in the process you have to point blank tell them what's going on. Hinting is not going to get it done. Also, I know my sorority and probably a lot of other NPC sororities have counseling services available for free. This is another reason to start reaching out. You may find there's a lot more support available to you than you think.

[*winter*]

Just seconding what everyone else has said- quite frankly, a sorority is the least of your problems. You need HELP! If you are fortunate enough to make it to the end of the semester, please look into residential or partial programs for depression and/or anorexia. What you are going through WILL NOT STOP until you treat the core issue. Some people can "function" like this...some cannot. Perhaps you will wind up dropping out of college in a year. Or not. But "functioning" is not the same as living- especially these early years, it's so important to be at a place emotionally and physically where you can really cherish this time in your life.

This sort of thing doesn't go away, and eventually you will lose your relationship and your educational pursuits. I agree with OPers...take time off to deal with it now so you can get a good start to your life. And DO leave things on good terms with the sorority...perhaps in the future you may want to participate in it again (if possible.)

Transferring won't make things different, because the problem is inside of you, and you will take it wherever you go. The best thing to do, IMO, is to start researching summer programs for when you go home. Complete some treatment, get a good relationship with a therapeutic team going over the summer...and then decide your future from there, with their (and family) support. Don't try to figure it out now.

[Lovethesand]

As a parent of a young lady, my heart breaks for you for the pain and mental anguish you are going through. As a mother I would want my daughter to obtain help because no matter the love I have as a parent it sometimes isn't enough to help somebody through a particulary rough period of life. Double/triple that with young ladies your age who are still trying to figure it out. It's way above their emotional and mental pay scale.

I hope you can come back to this forum in 3 months, 6 months, whatever the timeframe, if YOU choose, and share with us your progress. I wish you the best and pray that time and counseling will ease your pain and help you grow.