Is helicoptering making kids less able to socially adapt to new situations?

[IUHoosiergirl88]

So I'm a cross-poster here and on College Confidential (hereafter referred to as CC) and have noticed some pretty common themes across both boards: kids have having a really difficult time adapting socially to college...and it doesn't seem like just freshmen either. I'm not just talking 1-2 people, I'm talking 11 posts on the first 2 pages of the 'college' threads. I see a lot of kids over on that board saying 'I don't talk to my roommate or have any friends or whatever, maybe I should join a fraternity/sorority' and then not understanding why they don't find success. I'm all for joining Greek life to expand your social horizons, but I'm not all for thinking it is a panacea

I don't really feel like this was a problem when I was a college student (2007-2011), but helicopter parents didn't seem to be as big of a problem then either. I'm wondering what you guys think about this and if you think helicopter parenting might be to blame. My dad never let me whine about not having friends, I was told to go do something about it...not something you see a lot with the helicopter generation.

I thought this could be an interesting discussion that's different from the helicopter parenting thread from awhile back...the impact on the poor kids!

[ElvisLover]

Helicopter parents are most definitely enabling their children to become social cripples. That, coupled with all the electronic devices to which this generation is attached, are severely limiting the desire to interact with their peers through face-to-face conversatons. Just my opinion, but it seems the collegians today are much more self-centered than in our day, as well.

[adpiucf]

I think these concerns existed among students when I was in college in the late 90s; it is just that now the internet is providing a forum for people to broadcast their concerns. I did not have helicopter parents; rather, mine were more of the free range variety, and I still had some anxiety about different experiences during college. It takes people time to adjust to new situations, particularly when they are on their own for the very first time, navigating new experiences, friendships, opportunities and disappointments. Helicopter parents are annoying, but they've always existed in some form. Now they have the internet to allow them to hover more broadly.

ETA: every generation feels that the one below them is going to hell and complains about their lack of respect, their lack of work ethic, their different social norms, etc. This is nothing new.

[ComradesTrue]

I don't know if it is helicopter or just more simply that kids social lives are structured practically from birth. Once upon a time a group of neighborhood kids wanting to play a game of baseball would have to first go mow a field, then find random objects to serve as bases, and other random objects to serve as the score board, decide amongst themselves who would play what position, etc. This utilized all sorts of creativity, planning, and executive functioning, not to mention collaboration by the neighborhood kids.

Now, kids join playgroups, kids play organized sports where all of the above elements are done FOR them and not BY them, and summers have turned into endless structured activities as well. I don't think that is the exact definition of helicoptering that we have come to know. I think parents can sign their kids up for all these structured events but still not be hovering.

When kids grow up this way, it should be not surprise that they then turn to organized groups on campus for their socialization. They haven't really ever just been thrown into a social situation and had to figure it out.

[KSUViolet06]

To add to that, depending on where you live (esp. if you're a suburbanite) you have gone to the same elementary, same middle, and same HS as all of your friends. You've been in cheer, dance, student council, etc. with the same 4-5 BFFs. When you leave that comfort zone for college, your standby friendships aren't there anymore.

Many times, students look to Greek Life to sort of instantly recreate that.

That typically leads to the "OMG it's been 2 weeks and no one is my BFF yet!!!!" post here on GC.

They just aren't used to making friends. Suzie has been friends with her 5 BFFs since 4th grade. When is the last time she actually had to make an effort to get to know anyone?

[GeorgiaGreek]

Is it possible that there are the same number of kids having trouble adjusting to college and making friends, but forums are more available and popular for them to seek out help?

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by GeorgiaGreek

Is it possible that there are the same number of kids having trouble adjusting to college and making friends, but forums are more available and popular for them to seek out help?

I think it is this. I was pretty miserable my whole first semester of college. I'd had the same really good friends for 10+ years. I'd been involved in lots of activities in high school. I got to college and knew 3 people on the whole campus. I was kind of lucky that one of them was one of my best friends from high school (male) and his roommate, who was my boyfriend at the time. They kind of showed me the ropes around campus. But, that first semester, I was still pretty miserable because I missed my female friends a lot. The ones who knew your whole life story and loved you anyway. I missed the privacy of having my own room to just "be" when I wanted to just "be". I was on a pretty big campus (25,000) and felt pretty isolated, like I didn't have a niche. That did all change when I joined my sorority.

I think Hypo has adjusted faster than I did but her dorm floor is pretty tight already. My dorm floor wasn't like that. The texts I got that first night though... they broke my heart! "I'm really overwhelmed and I don't know how to make friends." She got over it pretty quickly though

ETA: I just changed jobs last year, after 11 years in the same department with the same group of people, some of whom became really good friends. The first few months in my new job were tough too. I think it takes time for most people when you take them out of their comfort zone and put them in a new situation.

[33girl]

There have ALWAYS been kids whose parents were a zillion miles up their ass and didn't give them time to have a free moment. I think the technology anod other things are honestly more to blame. I mean...we didn't have cable TV in our dorm rooms, we HAD to go to the TV room to watch anything more than the campus cable access. Single rooms were VERY rare...basically you got stuck with your roommate and that was it. 2 large bathrooms for 60 girls on a floor. Now almost everything is "suite style." You never need to go into a large common area, and many parents/kids demand single rooms.

Kids have been watching The Real World for umpteen years and see those idiots playing to the camera and saying "I love you!" and acting like best friends 20 minutes into the first episode. They think that's what living with others is like.

[IUHoosiergirl88]

I definitely think part of it is the more ubiquitous nature of online forums, don't get me wrong. I guess I feel like I never knew kids with 'executive functioning disorders' or who really vocalized when they didn't feel like they fit in. Maybe it was a product of my upbringing, but even when I was bullied a a college freshman, I just dealt with it and found a new group of friends. I totally understand the whole having trouble making friends at first, but to as a sophomore or junior have made 0 friends...? It just seems so off

I just feel like the structured nature of helicopter kids makes it so hard for them to learn how to function on their own. When they don't fit in or are struggling with classes, their parents want to come fix it. It completely baffles me!

[DubaiSis]

I think kids are more open to going far away to school now than maybe they were a generation ago, and that can make for a more challenging time adapting. I went to school about 1 hour away, as did probably 50 kids from my school - to the same university. When 90% of your student population is from within 5 hours of the school and you are within that group, cultural norms are going to be a lot more similar (and thus easier) to what you've grown up with. Plop Midwestern smallish town kid into Bama or NYU or Pepperdine and there are going to be a lot of challenges beyond just education. And vice versa. The kid who grew up at 50th and 5th in New York is going to have a real culture shock and difficulty making friends at Iowa or Texas State or Coastal Carolina.

I'm all for kids expanding their horizons, but possibly they're not being counseled enough on how to adapt to a new environment.

[atrianglepi]

I am part of a FB group of parents where my son attends college. The fwap, fwap, fwap is deafening. My son is very shy and he goes to school in a different part of the country. I told him before he left to make sure he was outgoing and inviting people to eat with him, etc. I just saw him this past weekend and he has adjusted beautifully. I don't monitor his every move or call him everyday. Contrast that with the other parents in this group who lament that their child has no friends, sits alone in their room on a Saturday night. They have talked about getting their kids together. Play dates all over again. It is time to cut the cord people. At some point Mommy/Daddy are not going to be able to take care of every nuance of your life. All 3 of my kids are in college, no one has any hometown friends at school with them. They have made friends and moved forward. Did I have a part in it? Absolutely Not!

[aggieAXO]

Originally Posted by DubaiSis

I think kids are more open to going far away to school now than maybe they were a generation ago, and that can make for a more challenging time adapting. I went to school about 1 hour away, as did probably 50 kids from my school - to the same university. When 90% of your student population is from within 5 hours of the school and you are within that group, cultural norms are going to be a lot more similar (and thus easier) to what you've grown up with. Plop Midwestern smallish town kid into Bama or NYU or Pepperdine and there are going to be a lot of challenges beyond just education. And vice versa. The kid who grew up at 50th and 5th in New York is going to have a real culture shock and difficulty making friends at Iowa or Texas State or Coastal Carolina.

I'm all for kids expanding their horizons, but possibly they're not being counseled enough on how to adapt to a new environment.

This^^^
At my HS you either went to A&M, UT or Tech. I went to college with most of my best friends from high school so I really didn't need to make new friends (but I did). I will admit, I had a helicopter mom-I think I turned out ok.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by IUHoosiergirl88

I definitely think part of it is the more ubiquitous nature of online forums, don't get me wrong. I guess I feel like I never knew kids with 'executive functioning disorders' or who really vocalized when they didn't feel like they fit in. Maybe it was a product of my upbringing, but even when I was bullied a a college freshman, I just dealt with it and found a new group of friends. I totally understand the whole having trouble making friends at first, but to as a sophomore or junior have made 0 friends...? It just seems so off

I just feel like the structured nature of helicopter kids makes it so hard for them to learn how to function on their own. When they don't fit in or are struggling with classes, their parents want to come fix it. It completely baffles me!

You may never have known those kids, but as others have said, they've been around for a long time -- both kids who have a heard time making friends and kids with helicopter parents. (We didn't talk about helicopter parents, of course -- we said that their parents "hovered" or were over-protective or too involved.)

I knew quite a few of both when I was in college 30 years ago -- there's absolutely nothing new about it. What's new are things (like technology) that can have the effect of exacerbating the problems, that can make us more aware of these problems or make them seem more prevalant, or that can give people a "safe environment" to talk personally about these problems and thereby make it seem more acceptable to talk about it elsewhere.

[AXOrushadvisor]

I think this has to do with a lot of different things. Electronics is a big one. Most kids don't go out and play around the neighborhood any more they text each other or play video games as compared to what I experienced. Kick the Can, King of the Hill and Hide and Seek in the Summer. Sledding all day every day in the snow in the winter. My kids would sit and watch tv or play video games all day every day if I allowed them. These kids, in my opinion, don't know how to talk because they always text even if they are next to each other. Can you imagine a texting recruitment. ha ha!!

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by AXOrushadvisor

I think this has to do with a lot of different things. Electronics is a big one. Most kids don't go out and play around the neighborhood any more they text each other or play video games as compared to what I experienced. Kick the Can, King of the Hill and Hide and Seek in the Summer. Sledding all day every day in the snow in the winter. My kids would sit and watch tv or play video games all day every day if I allowed them. These kids, in my opinion, don't know how to talk because they always text even if they are next to each other. Can you imagine a texting recruitment. ha ha!!

This!

We recently hired a few temps at my company, and I was basically heading the project with which they were involved. They ranged in ages from about 19-23. One day I was just chatting with them, and I asked them if they ever played some outside game (I can't remember which one), and they said they hadn't. I launched into this explanation and told them how I basically lived outside when I was a kid. My friends and I would go out in the snow at 8am, we'd come in around 2pm for some hot chocolate and a snack, then go right back outside for the rest of the day. I told them how we'd get to the bus stop early so we could play football.. And when we got home from school, we'd just drop our backpacks on the front lawn and be outside until dinner.

One of the temps turned to me and said, "Yea, but when we were younger, we actually had the internet and had other things to do inside." A couple others nodded in agreement.



The lack of interaction with other kids (or people in general) is astounding. We've had young people come to work at our company, usually on a temporary basis, and their parents work at the company as well. Any time they have an issue or a question, they go running to mommy or daddy. I've heard parents (my boss included) turn to their kid and say, "I don't know.. You need to go ask your manager." They don't know how to communicate.

I recently met a teacher (a friend of a family friend) who was talking to me about different ways that teachers are using technology in the classroom. Another teacher at her school was using iPhones and Twitter (I believe) so that students could answer questions in class. She explained that the teacher would allow everyone to use their iPhones, and any students who didn't have one would be given one when they were in class. When the teacher asked a question, she would post it online, the students would type their responses/analysis into their phones, and she would display the discussion on an overhead projector.. Or something more technologically advanced. Her reasoning behind this is to give the students who don't usually respond because they're too shy/don't like speaking up, the ability to post their thoughts and opinions.

I argued that you're hindering the students' ability to grow in the ways that they communicate (especially because they spend so much time already outside of class staring at their phones), but this teacher defended it. What say you, GCers?

Personally, I think technology is the bigger problem here.