Former pledge still wearing lettered bag around campus...

lemony · #1 03-01-2012, 03:32 AM

Just a question on how to approach a situation--

One of the girls who was offered a bid to our chapter last fall had to drop out after a few weeks of pledging (I think because of financial reasons, not sure). She dropped out long before initiation, but is still friends with a few members of the fall pledge class who were initiated and are currently actives.

The other day, I spotted her around campus wearing the lettered bag that we give our new members on Bid Day. Additionally, I've seen her in pictures making our sorority's hand-sign with some other chapter members who she is friends with. What is the most polite way to ask her to refrain from wearing letters since she isn't a member? As far as I know she hasn't been asked to return them. It's just kind of an awkward situation since she is no longer in our chapter and it's strange trying to tell former members what they can and can't do...

Titchou · #2 03-01-2012, 07:58 AM

If your national organization has a rule about it, I would have your chapter adviser contact her and let her know. If there isn't such a rule, then you are out of luck.

DubaiSis · #3 03-01-2012, 10:45 AM

I think anything you give to a pledge is fair game. In both cases you described, I would find it odd, but there's probably nothing you could do about it. It's too bad if she liked you so much she wasn't able to continue her membership. But as Titchou said, consult the rules. If there aren't any, then you're outta luck. And since you likely allow fraternities, Moms, little sisters, philanthropy participants, etc. to wear your letters, my guess is your rule book doesn't state anything.

In the future, I would make sure to address this when a pledge resigns because anytime later will be a losing battle.

AOII Angel · #4 03-01-2012, 10:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DubaiSis

I think anything you give to a pledge is fair game. In both cases you described, I would find it odd, but there's probably nothing you could do about it. It's too bad if she liked you so much she wasn't able to continue her membership. But as Titchou said, consult the rules. If there aren't any, then you're outta luck. And since you likely allow fraternities, Moms, little sisters, philanthropy participants, etc. to wear your letters, my guess is your rule book doesn't state anything.

In the future, I would make sure to address this when a pledge resigns because anytime later will be a losing battle.

I agree. In the grand scheme of things, this is not that big of a deal. As long as she isn't doing anything disrespectful or harmful to your reputation in those letters, leave it alone. It'll just cause more drama than it's worth. In the future, however, collect any items from disaffiliating new members so you don't have to deal with this later.

33girl · #5 03-01-2012, 11:42 AM

She should have returned these items/they should have been collected from her the SECOND she withdrew from pledging. But since they weren't...I would ask the chapter members who are apparently condoning this sort of behavior what the eff they are thinking, and bring them before standards board if necessary. If they're still friends with her, they should encourage her to return things and be respectful...not be in pics making the handsign with her. If they have trouble differentiating between "friends" and sisters, they need to rethink their membership.

DubaiSis: Why on earth would philanthropy participants be wearing letters? There's a HUGE difference between "ASA presents Chili Feed 2004" on a shirt and a lettered shirt or item that leads the average person seeing it to believe that the wearer is a member of the fraternity or sorority.

AOII Angel · #6 03-01-2012, 12:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

She should have returned these items/they should have been collected from her the SECOND she withdrew from pledging. But since they weren't...I would ask the chapter members who are apparently condoning this sort of behavior what the eff they are thinking, and bring them before standards board if necessary. If they're still friends with her, they should encourage her to return things and be respectful...not be in pics making the handsign with her. If they have trouble differentiating between "friends" and sisters, they need to rethink their membership.

DubaiSis: Why on earth would philanthropy participants be wearing letters? There's a HUGE difference between "ASA presents Chili Feed 2004" on a shirt and a lettered shirt or item that leads the average person seeing it to believe that the wearer is a member of the fraternity or sorority.

Of course, anyone can walk into a Greek store and buy a lettered item of their choice with no proof of who they are. I agree with your first paragraph. Take it up with your own members. They should not be encouraging such behavior, though from experience I've seen this backfire. If anyone makes comments about this girl using this bag, I'd just state that she is not a member but won't stop using the bag. End of discussion. Anyone in the know will understand. She'll likely get shamed and stop using the offending item before you know it.

33girl · #7 03-01-2012, 12:45 PM

But that's the point. If the chapter would have handled it the correct way in the first place, or if the members who are her friends would have REALLY been her friends and told her this isn't acceptable, there wouldn't need to be any "shaming." That being said, the chapter has a reputation to protect and needs to put a direct stop to it ASAP, not just hope that she'll get too embarrassed to keep doing it (the boldness of some people cannot be believed, trust me). If they have to blame it on nationals or alumnae or the school to avoid looking bitchy or clueless, so be it.

AOII Angel · #8 03-01-2012, 01:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

But that's the point. If the chapter would have handled it the correct way in the first place, or if the members who are her friends would have REALLY been her friends and told her this isn't acceptable, there wouldn't need to be any "shaming." That being said, the chapter has a reputation to protect and needs to put a direct stop to it ASAP, not just hope that she'll get too embarrassed to keep doing it (the boldness of some people cannot be believed, trust me). If they have to blame it on nationals or alumnae or the school to avoid looking bitchy or clueless, so be it.

I totally agree about it not being handled appropriately in the first place. I had to take back everything from my first little sis, so I've been there. She actually showed up to Big Sis/Lil Sis when I got my second.

I have also been there as an adviser when you have active members behaving like this with a deactivated member who still uses lettered items and throws up the hand sign. It often gets UGLY. I've seen sisters trying to invite former members to social events and get PISSED that they couldn't do it. I just recommend handling it with care and assessing the actual significance of the bag. If you really think this is a MAJOR problem, discuss it with your leaders council/Exec Board or whatever it's called. They should handle it, not individual sisters who may start a war in the chapter with the sisters who are friends with this girl. The women who are perpetuating this behavior need to understand the damage they are doing to your chapter AND this girl who is holding on to the dream of this chapter long after it went away for her. An alum should be involved. They can be friends with her all they want, but they shouldn't be bonding with her over XYZ memories. It's really kinda cruel.

lemony · #9 03-02-2012, 02:49 AM

Thanks for the input everyone. So far there there hasn't been any blatant disrespect/negative PR caused, but it's just...weird. I don't want to cause TOO much drama, but I will definitely bring it up to to the new officers/new Standards (I'm a senior and outgoing officer) so that they can agree what the best way to deal with this is. Also the girls she's friends with are in the newest pledge class, and are probably still operating under the "She's my pledge sis!!" mentality. This girl for some reason thinks she's still in our chapter and I think has intentions of attempting to re-join...oh well. I just wanted to get an outside opinion on how this normally would/should be handled, thank you again!

AOII Angel · #10 03-02-2012, 09:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lemony

Thanks for the input everyone. So far there there hasn't been any blatant disrespect/negative PR caused, but it's just...weird. I don't want to cause TOO much drama, but I will definitely bring it up to to the new officers/new Standards (I'm a senior and outgoing officer) so that they can agree what the best way to deal with this is. Also the girls she's friends with are in the newest pledge class, and are probably still operating under the "She's my pledge sis!!" mentality. This girl for some reason thinks she's still in our chapter and I think has intentions of attempting to re-join...oh well. I just wanted to get an outside opinion on how this normally would/should be handled, thank you again!

It sounds like the new girls just need to be told that they need to handle things better. They're young and don't get it. I know it's weird, and if I was still a collegian and something like this happened, my head would be spinning. Perspective helps, and having an alum involved is important. Good luck and enjoy your last semester of school!

NutBrnHair · #11 03-02-2012, 02:54 PM

In my opinion, most young women stay clear of any confrontation. Honestly, why doesn't someone just SAY something to her. You can be polite. No one wants to be the one to bring it up, but truly, it's never as bad as you think it will be. The longer you put it off, the harder it is to get up the nerve.

knight_shadow · #12 03-02-2012, 03:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NutBrnHair

In my opinion, most young women stay clear of any confrontation. Honestly, why doesn't someone just SAY something to her. You can be polite. No one wants to be the one to bring it up, but truly, it's never as bad as you think it will be. The longer you put it off, the harder it is to get up the nerve.

My thoughts exactly.

FleurGirl · #13 03-02-2012, 10:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NutBrnHair

In my opinion, most young women stay clear of any confrontation. Honestly, why doesn't someone just SAY something to her. You can be polite. No one wants to be the one to bring it up, but truly, it's never as bad as you think it will be. The longer you put it off, the harder it is to get up the nerve.

Agreed! I don't see why it would be inappropriate for someone preferably that she is close to from exec to approach her and explain that since she's not a part of the chapter anymore, it's not appropriate for her to be wearing letters still. It seems like she honestly just doesn't know better, and she won't unless someone tells her.

33girl · #14 03-03-2012, 12:34 PM

Not just her...the new sisters who apparently don't know any better or, worse, know and don't care. That doesn't bode well for the time when they have to step up and run the chapter.

If the girl only quit pledging because of $$ issues and does want to repledge, that should have been communicated to the whole chapter so they'd know what was going on.

AOII Angel · #15 03-03-2012, 02:53 PM

I think telling her is fine, but making sure the entire chapter is on board with this is important since you have a group of new sisters egging this behavior on. You can't tell her to stop and have them throwing the handsign to her. Also, I agree the discussion should come from someone in authority in the chapter, thus the reason I suggested it be handled by the exec board. Getting the bag back may be impossible, however. She can say no and you don't really have any way to make her.