Appropriate...

CkretCrush8 · #1 11-28-2001, 06:08 PM

If you have deep feelings for your significant other and you have expressed it to them in more ways then one and you received no feedback...when is it time to move on?

SCENARIO
I'm currently "dating" someone who I love and care for deeply

. In the beginning of our relationship we both decided that we didn't want to rush back into a relationship and that we would date each other exclusively. However, since then I have expressed my feelings to him on more than one occasion but have gotten nothing in return.

We used to talk on the phone everyday, walked to class together, talked throughout the day, and did small romantic things. NOW, we barely talk. He doesn't return phone calls or any of that. I refuse to stand idle too long waiting for him to come around when I have given up a lot of opportunities (when i say opportunities...I'm referring to male friends who I used to date and go out with) to be with him. He is the person that I could see myself marrying at some point but the way things are looking today...I just don't know. It is frustrating

because opposed to telling me how he feels he won't address the situation.

So my question is...when is it time to move on?

korkscru · #2 11-28-2001, 06:45 PM

Only YOU can make that decision. You know him better than any of us. Remember MEN are totally different than WOMEN. They don't see things like we see them. They don't understand things like we understand them. They don't express emotions like (or to the extent) that we do (I'm trying to give the brother the benefit of the doubt). My questions would be:

1. What caused you guys to seperate the first time?

2. Have you all discussed that issue?

3. How long have you guys been back together? Maybe he just needs some time.

4. Have you guys talked about the future and what each of you want? Sometimes guys are really intimidated and frightened at the mere THOUGHT of commitment. They feel as if they're giving up something or that they will miss out on something. They can be all over the place with their thoughts and then 4 years later they realize that you are the one for them. BUT... by then, you've moved on.

5. Are you aware of any OTHER women that he may be romatically involved with? Now with this question you haveto be TRULY honest with yourself (this goes back to question #3)?

6. How does he treat you around his friends?

7. Is he making any of those 2:00am-4:00am visits (B.K.A. BOOTY CALLS)?

8. Is he disrespectful or abusive in ANY way?

9. Does he seem secretive?

These are only a few questions. I'm sure that you can think of more. But this particular situation requires a full and thorough assessment.

REMEMBER SISTERFRIEND, YOU DESERVE THE BEST!! If he ain't coming with it, then you may need to do some "spring cleaning".

Good Luck and God Bless.

CkretCrush8 · #3 11-28-2001, 07:42 PM

Thank you very much for your reply and sound advice. I definitely have to do some reflection on some of those questions that you asked.

prayerfull · #4 11-28-2001, 08:16 PM

Girl - I remember those days of dating in college. In college, most young men are not really in the same mind-set that we are. Actually, some of us ladies aren't either! But anyway, many young men have the mind-set that they are out to just "kick it" and not really get too serious. If you try and press it on them too much, they'll freak out and turn up MIA for a while. That's when they stop returning phone calls, etc. What you do is give them the same treatment back. DO YOUR THANG! Date other people, stay completely involved in activities and organziations that you were involved with before you all got together. I completely went through the exact same thing at least twice in college. Don't be pressed about it at all.

The same goes for when you do settle down with a man in a committed relationship or a marriage. You must still continue to "do your own thang". (not date other people, but stay involved with your own interests and activities!) I will NEVER forget going home with one of my girlfriends in college and she and I were sitting around talking about how we couldn't wait to get married and be done with all the "dating games". Her mother overheard us and came in and broke it down to us that sometimes the real "games" don't really start until a few years into a marriage. We were corrupted after that!

It's sad to say, but in college, the dating scene is still about playing games. It's when you know how to play the game back that those young men take heed.

Good Luck!

darling1 · #5 11-29-2001, 03:16 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by CkretCrush8
If you have deep feelings for your significant other and you have expressed it to them in more ways then one and you received no feedback...when is it time to move on?

SCENARIO
I'm currently "dating" someone who I love and care for deeply . In the beginning of our relationship we both decided that we didn't want to rush back into a relationship and that we would date each other exclusively. However, since then I have expressed my feelings to him on more than one occasion but have gotten nothing in return. We used to talk on the phone everyday, walked to class together, talked throughout the day, and did small romantic things. NOW, we barely talk. He doesn't return phone calls or any of that. I refuse to stand idle too long waiting for him to come around when I have given up a lot of opportunities (when i say opportunities...I'm referring to male friends who I used to date and go out with) to be with him. He is the person that I could see myself marrying at some point but the way things are looking today...I just don't know. It is frustrating because opposed to telling me how he feels he won't address the situation.

So my question is...when is it time to move on?

Sisterfriend,

I think you should read what you wrote because the answer is right in those words. When you give of yourself it is difficult to let go. It is time for you to be the stronger of the two and make the choice that needs to be made. Appreciate the time you shared but focus your energy on you and preparing yourself for that man that is ready to appreciate, love and respect you unconditionally. Take care of you.

nikki25 · #6 11-29-2001, 04:05 PM

When it is time to move on?....when you show your interest and it isn't given back in return. And, by the way things sound, it seems as if that moment is currently here. Move on and stop chasing this brother. Men love to hunt and when the hunt is no longer on, its time to move on. There are many other men out there who are willing to "hunt" for a good woman. So, don't settle for someone who isn't willing to pursue you.

College is a ripe opportunity to meet and date wonderful and eligible men. While you are there, it is a good idea to make male friends. And, if you find yourself in a relationship, don't stop being friends with "old flames" or those who "it just didn't work out with". College is a great place to meet people--enjoy the entire experience.

ClassyLady · #7 11-29-2001, 05:24 PM

If you had said that you expressed your feelings for him, and he said that he didn't feel the same way, that would be different. I would tell you that if you are happy loving him knowing that he doesn't feel the same, then stick with him until he does.

But, since your man has handled the situation inappropriately by giving you the cold shoulder, I would deal with the issue head on and ask him. Ask him what he wants from your relationship. Obviously, you love him, but who knows what he is feeling for you. He may not be ready for that yet, and that's not his fault. But, it is his fault for not telling you.

littlelady · #8 11-30-2001, 01:49 AM

OH MY GOSH

Why do I feel like I wrote this thread. Unfortunately, I feel your pain. With me, I have been dating this guy for almost 2 years, and he's my ideal man. I care about him so much, but I'm scared to tell him because I don't want him to get scared off. I know he knows how I feel about him, and I know he is crazy about me too, but I also know that he's not ready to verbally express his feelings. You don't know how shocked everyone is that he's been seeing me for so long at all, so I guess I'm lucky to be as close to him as I am. With me, I like relationships, but he's a Kappa and thinks he has to live up to the whole "playboy" image, so.... I think he's content with us just dating because he's not ready for a relationship. That would be okay, but only if I wasn't so crazy about him. I could see myself marrying him like you could see yourself marring the guy your dating. I have came to realize that I can't make him love me or want to be with me, and I deserve to be with someone that WANTS to settle down and wouln't run off if they know how I feel. It's okay for me to show him I love him by acting all in love when I'm with him, but I know that if I say the words things will change. I know now that's not right, and I need to move on. I'm never going to stop seeing him, I just need to stop trying to make something happen between us. When he's ready, he'll come around. Wouldn't you rather have him tell you how he feels because he means it, not because he thinks it sounds good? Good luck sweetie, hopefully everything works out for the best for you

volgirl2376 · #9 11-30-2001, 01:55 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by CkretCrush8
If you have deep feelings for your significant other and you have expressed it to them in more ways then one and you received no feedback...when is it time to move on?
So my question is...when is it time to move on?

As hard as it is to say, I think the time to move on is now. Think if the role were reversed and ask yourself...if a guy were interested in you and expressed that to you...and you didnt feel the same way, you might avoid the situation by ignoring it, avoiding the discussion, or even stop communication all together. You soun like someone who has a big heart and deserves someone who will shout to anyone who will hear it that he loves you and I hope you find him.