Any regrets?

[PhoenixGrad]

Once, in a sad while, you come across a Greek who has regrets about the sorority or fraternity they've joined. While they may have been gung-ho in the beginning, they've come to realize that:
1) being a Greek is hard work and they may not be up to the challenge;
2) once you've crossed that's it, you can't change your mind; and
3) joining an organization is a lifetime committment.

How would you deal with a Fraternity brother or Sorority sister that is dealing with this? How would your chapter address this as a whole? Do you feel this is a problem for your organization and why?

[inzo]

Good question!

I have come to this quandry a couple of times in my life and have seen the actives of my chapter go through it as well.

I found that there is no solid anser for me. Rather, the feelings I had were eminating from the fact that only a handfull of members truly cared to take the House in new directions while the rest resisted the change or just went along for the ride.

To this day we still have this problem - although it is getting better.

Advice:

I would start by assuring the member that they are NOT alone in their feelings. Like anything else you delve into, there is always a sense of "what if" that permeates about your decision - especially to joina chapter.

Let them know that a lifetime commitment can and is mutual in most cases. You can STILL get as much from a greek organization being an alumni as you would if you were active. The rewards, however, are less tangible... (and you tend to remeber them Sunday morning ;0)).

Finally, point them to the poem "The Road Not Taken" by Frost.

thanks again and good luck with your inquiry.

mike

Since I've been an Alpha Gam, I've seen 3 sisters become inactive and/or disaffiliate for different reasons. One had family problems, one couldn't balance school (as she was a Regents scholar), the other didn't feel that making time for AGD was important (she preferred to work and make more $$$, but I won't even START on that right now ).

Executive council did all they could to try and encourage them to stay in AGD, but in reality, we can't stop them from wanting to focus more on education, since that's the main reason why they're in school. When personal issues regarding a sister arise, it's always difficult to try and find out what's really going on.

Executive council has the ultimate responsibility of determining one's membership status, but I feel that my chapter should include a chapter discussion about what goes on when a sister wants to leave. I remember walking through campus and one of the disaffiliates came running up to me to give me her badge, telling me to give that to the President. I don't serve on EC this semester, so there was no way in knowing why she was doing this. Something of this nature definitely affects chapter morale, and I was so hurt that this was happening without my knowledge!

I don't think that my chapter has a big problem with this situation, but I just feel that we could handle things differently.

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"Talk doesn't cook rice."--Someone smart

Visit Alpha Gamma Delta-Delta Sigma chapter and help some sisters out!

[This message has been edited by OohTeenyWahine (edited April 16, 2001).]

[ZChi4Life]

This is a good topic. This unfortunately has happened in my sorority and it's always a difficult thing to deal with. It's hard to understand what even made them want to pledge in the first place and then (seemingly) all of a sudden, they don't want to have anything to do with the org anymore.

Well basically, what we've done is to try to find out what happened to make them feel this way. The reasons always vary. But the most difficult for me to deal with is when a sister says, "It's not what I thought it was going to be" or "It's not what I expected". I'm always confused as to what that really means. I've seen women come into this organization via other chapters and I've spoken to them about what they expect to gain out of the org. Then, these same women after they are initiated are telling me it's not what they expected!

I just have to say that you can't expect certain things to just happen! Some things you have to put in a little effort in order to see them happen. It's like that saying, "you only get out what you put in". I don't know who came up w/ this saying, but it's so true when it comes to sorority/fraternity life. You can't expect to make friends if you are hiding out all the time or constantly w/ your best friend 24/7. You can't expect to do a lot of service if you are constantly involved w/ other things, therefore leaving yourself no time to get involved. I don't know if this makes sense at all, but I've dealt w/ women in my org who have disaffiliated b/c of stuff like this. It burns me up every time b/c they were the ones who chose to hang w/ only one other sister or who were missing in action whenever we had service to do or programs to plan. Then they come saying, "it's not what I expected it to be".

So my advice: If you wanna get something out of being Greek, you have to put something into it! And if you've done that and are still not fulfilled, then fine. Maybe it just wasn't for you. But you have to at least TRY!

[DreamCatcher]

Originally posted by PhoenixGrad:
How would you deal with a Fraternity brother or Sorority sister that is dealing with this? How would your chapter address this as a whole? Do you feel this is a problem for your organization and why?

I've been in a situation similar to this (not greek, but just as serious). The best thing you can do is have a friend close to this person talk to them one on one. Then you should follow this up with a talk from a mentor type member whom this person respects.

Just give them the opportunity to talk. Maybe they're scared (like getting married and then wondering, "till death do us part?!" ) Don't try to pressure them into anything (although you'd love to!) Let them know that they'll be loved regardless of the decision they make. Showing him or her that your greek love goes way beyond letters on a T-shirt will win them over. Also help them to see that there are different stages of greekdom; it won't become the same monotonous activities for years to come.

I don't know how they became members, but if it was on a line, then help them to get in touch with that experience again. Remind them of how hard they fought and that if they did that, they can surpass any problem that is put before them.

Topics like this make a lot of people angry b/c they feel like they're back-peddaling instead of going forward in the organization. However,it's easy to be sisters/brothers when things are going great, but the true bonds are tested during times like these. And if they can make it through this, then they'll have a greater understand of what your bond really mean.

Sorry for my rambling, but this is a subject close to my heart. Good luck with your situation.

D.C.

[33girl]

Burnout!!! I wish we had a foolproof method for dealing with this, because I think it causes a lot of self-terminations. One thing I do know is that everyone should have a "outside refuge" to go to when you have had it up to here with your brothers or sisters. A non-Greek friend, a private place in the woods, whatever...the same as attached females having "girls night out" or moms having a weekend away from the kids. It doesn't mean you don't love them, but if you are around someone 24/7 you will go nuts.

How would I deal with someone who wanted to self-terminate (disaffiliate)? I'd try to talk her out of it, but if she wanted out to the point that she started doing things and having an attitude that negatively affected the chapter, I'd let her go. I agree with ZChi - there are people who join thinking it's going to be laff-a-minute and then if the chips are down, they want out. There are valid reasons, like family and/or financial problems, and in that case I hope something could be done to place the member on some sort of special status so when things are worked out she can come back.

[sigmagrrl]

Originally posted by 33girl:
Burnout!!! I wish we had a foolproof method for dealing with this, because I think it causes a lot of self-terminations. One thing I do know is that everyone should have a "outside refuge" to go to when you have had it up to here with your brothers or sisters. A non-Greek friend, a private place in the woods, whatever...the same as attached females having "girls night out" or moms having a weekend away from the kids. It doesn't mean you don't love them, but if you are around someone 24/7 you will go nuts.

How would I deal with someone who wanted to self-terminate (disaffiliate)? I'd try to talk her out of it, but if she wanted out to the point that she started doing things and having an attitude that negatively affected the chapter, I'd let her go. I agree with ZChi - there are people who join thinking it's going to be laff-a-minute and then if the chips are down, they want out. There are valid reasons, like family and/or financial problems, and in that case I hope something could be done to place the member on some sort of special status so when things are worked out she can come back.

33, I have seen women who experience the burnout and it really is a serious issue. Why are they burned out? In the instances I have encountered, they were the women who were doing EVERYTHING in the chapter, whether it was by choice or not, but they just needed a break away! I don't know how to handle this because, on one hand they have a right to a break, but they still need to show up and participate...This is a problem I feel all chapters have experienced...Now, how do we begin to address it?

[SilverTurtle]

My collegiate chapter had semi-active and inactive status in our bylaws. A member could apply for either, depending on their circumstances. They could not retain one of these "titles" for more than 1 semester. The concept was introduced for things like members studying abroad (since they're obviously not going to be at chapter meetings ). And if they stay abroad more than 1 semester, they can maintain that status ("special circumstances").

During my years there, several members used the semi-active status. It was almost always used the end of junior or senior years, when members were getting "burned out". Members had to write a letter to the chapter, who then voted on whether or not to grant the status to that member. Usually members were carrying extra-heavy courseloads, student teaching, or experiencing other difficulties. Semi-active members were required to attend some chapter meetings and service events, but it was pretty minimal. Inactive members were not required to attend any chapter events that semester.

In any case, all members were encouraged to participate as much as possible whenever possible. They were very much still part of the chapter (and, of couse, national organization). The members who used the status usually came back more energized and productive the following semester.

While it's not a solution for every case, it does allow members time to think about their involvement, what the chapter means, etc.

Oh, and financial obligations still applied, since we paid dues yearly.

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SilverTurtle@greekchat.com

Phi Beta Fraternity
Phi chapter

[shadokat]

While some people will get "burnout", I believe that it is important to make sure that those who are always the ones at the activities and events are the ones that are recognized. Without recognition by the chapter, members often feel they aren't rewarded for their devotion.

As for those who realize that greek life isn't for them or reorganize their priorities to eliminate the greek organization, it's tough to lose a brother or sister. But it's better to get rid of dead weight and move on as a rejuvenated group than to carry it on your back for the member's entire college career.