Read your childs diary

[Special1920]

Do you think it's ok to read your childs diary or go up to school unannounced and do a locker search?

[DreamfulOne]

I plan on having a different relationship with my child than I with my mother. I don't believe in purposefully going through my child's diary unless I have suspicion that something isn't right. But prayerfully my child will feel comfortable in sharing with me or her/his dad anything that is going on. If not me or him, then prayerfully someone else she/he can confide in and trust. I won't do random locker checks either. I will basically TRUST my child, unless they give me some reason not to.

[DOVE1920]

No, I wouldn't read my child's diary because that is supposed to be a special place for a person to express their thoughts and feelings. A locker is a public place but I still wouldn't search it.

[Special1920]

OK, assume your child went from A student to cutting classes, you found evidence of alcohol, drugs, she's stealing from your purse?

[DeltAlum]

Special,

If that's the case, find help now. The things you mention are serious signs of potential big time problems. Don't try to deal with them yourselves.

Our middle daughter developed all of those symptoms and ended up with a fairly serious drug problem. She was a Cheerleader and Varsity Volleyball player. So much for the sports building character in this case. Fortunately, she came to us and sought help and went through rehab and is doing great now.

Another frustrating thing -- don't expect much help from your local high school. At least if it's a big public one. Our kids go/went to a great high school, but the counselors and administrators are simply too busy and stressed to do very much individual work with the kids. Unfortunate, but true.

Our other two kids were/are honor students and did not have any of these problems. Thankfully.

Remember that kids with addictive personalities are great con artists. They look you right in the eye and lie to you.

The really bad news is that we tried her counselors, the church and psychologists to no avail. She just blew them off and lied to us about seeing them. She finally had to realize that she was hurting herself and that she needed help.

Rehab was expensive, but the best money we've ever spent.

I wish you the very best of luck.

[James]

Also, don't forget thnat schools priority in these cases is to make sure liability isn't attached to them. And that is what their counselors and psychologists are geared for . . . also they, and most Church groups aren't going to have the degree of expertise necessary to deal with addiction.

Delta Alum is right about rehab .. . rehabs great strenth is that it can control all variables for a given length of time. Very necessary.

Good luck. . .

[PrettyKitty]

I don't think I could read the child's diary....but I think that I would like to have a relationship with my future children where they feel comfortable enough to tell me anything.

[FuturePhD]

I feel like an expert on this topic. From someone who has had their diary read by seems like EVERYBODY, my mother (got in a heap of trouble), my ex , my brother, I think it's a great breach of trust when you invade somebody's privacy like that. This is one of the reasons I never hid it very well, I figured that everybody knew...you didn't go there. If you stumble upon someone's diary, you left it alone out of respect for the other person. That being said, if it is a life and death situation, then I think all unformal and unsaid agreements are moot. I would tear up my child's room if I thought I could help her.

[Shelacious]

I agree with DeltAlum and James here. If there were clear signs that the child was cutting classes, stealing money from my purse etc., I don't have to breach their trust by reading the diary. I don't need to find the "dirty evidence" before I realize that there is clearly a problem. If the child is doing all that, I would immediately get some professional help. It's way beyond a diary or locker by that point.

Just on the diary itself, while I would be tempted to read it (cause I'm nosey), I also know that I wouldn't like what I'd find, so why set myself up for disappointment, sadness, anger, whatever? People should be confortable with be able to write down their thoughts and keeping it away from prying eyes. I would, however, draw the line at letting my kids keep their door locked (although closed is fine) and I'm big on keeping tv and computer (especially) in a central family area. Having dinner together nightly really helps too. None of these things can prevent your child from becoming a thief, addict or malcontent, but they will certainly help you better identify the warning signs so that you can strike early.