Dear PNM's and their moms

SwampThang · #1 08-15-2010, 11:50 AM

I am certain there is another thread which addresses the following, but I am unsure of where it is! As the rush season is in full swing at many schools I wanted to share my dd's experience with her rush. Several of the posters on GC are concerned about not getting their fav house and how if they can't get what they want they will just drop out of the final round. PLEASE don't do this. I know it has been said many times and it is true--you will find the fit that is right for you. DD attends a school out of state. We are in the South and her school is competitive. She didn't know a soul upon arriving and knew that she would rush as a way to meet people and find her niche. She had recs from teachers, friends of family, etc. She had stellar grades, activities, the whole package. As rush began, all the pnms were given notepads with which to write their impressions of the various houses.(I think this is such a good idea.) Day One was great, she really liked several of the houses and was excited about Day Two. Day Two came and went and she was happy that she still had several of her favorite houses to visit. By Day Three, something began to happen to my DD.

Benzgirl · #2 08-15-2010, 11:56 AM

...and don't call the chapter and complain about DD being cut.

SwampThang · #3 08-15-2010, 12:07 PM

Yes Benzgirl, there is that!

SwampThang · #4 08-15-2010, 12:26 PM

So anyway, Day 3 and I'm hearing from dd about DEF house, even though ABC had been her favorite by far. Seems that her roommate(whom she has known for 5 days!) has several friends from high school in DEF house and now dd thinks that is the one for her. Plus she is telling me that she has heard blah, blah blah about some of the other houses. I tried to tell her not to listen to tent talk and if she is hearing it while visiting, that is dirty and she needs to not get involved. She is nervous about the next day which will involve large cuts for many of the PNMs. The next day she calls in a panic because she has been cut by a house where she was a legacy, she thought they liked her, BUT she didn't even like them???!!! I'm thinking I should drive up there and just slap her but this is her deal not mine. Anyway, she is all excited b/c she still has DEF, ABC, and three others. This is where I think she was shocked that she had been cut by anyone. Many of the PNMs have had very limited experience with rejection of any kind. And this is where as moms, we need to provide support for our dds but NOT take it personal. Remember, they are the ones going through rush, not us.

AOII Angel · #5 08-15-2010, 12:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SwampThang

This is where I think she was shocked that she had been cut by anyone. Many of the PNMs have had very limited experience with rejection of any kind. And this is where as moms, we need to provide support for our dds but NOT take it personal. Remember, they are the ones going through rush, not us.

I'm going to say it....I think I love you!

SwampThang · #6 08-15-2010, 01:26 PM

The following morning I have a text message from dd. She has been cut by DEF and " I can't talk right now, I'm too upset." Well of course I am worried, so I try to call her but no answer. Finally during a lunch break, she calls to tell me that she is thinking of dropping out. She still has 4 houses but " DEF is where I really wanted to be, snif, snif." What about ABC, I ask. Oh yeah, they are still there on her card. Good Lord, I say to her, stay in, you are still on their list, it will work out. Long story short (ha-ha) she hangs in there, accepts an invitation from ABC, goes away on their retreat and has a ball. The following weekend, I go up to see my dd. While in her dorm, I spy her little notebook that she had during rush. She and I are looking over it and on the first three days she had listed ABC as her "OMG they are awesome, I could so see me here, etc" What happened, I asked her. Here you are loving them and suddenly you are wanting DEF? She just smiled sheepishly and admitted that she was wrong. Yes, I wrote down the date! Anyway, please hang in there PNMs! If you still have options, please don't overlook someone just cause you have formed an opinion based on hearsay. You will find your match, you will make friends, and you will have a bond that will last your lifetime. And moms...let your daughters find their way. You have raised them well, they will make the right decision for them.

AnchorAlumna · #7 08-15-2010, 01:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SwampThang

I'm thinking I should drive up there and just slap her but this is her deal not mine.

FOFLMRO!
Kudos to you, Mom!

carnation · #8 08-15-2010, 01:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SwampThang

I'm thinking I should drive up there and just slap her but this is her deal not mine.

This post is only a couple of hours old and I've already quoted this line to several local moms. LOLOL!

ellebud · #9 08-15-2010, 01:38 PM

I pmd you

SouthernComfor · #10 08-15-2010, 03:03 PM

"This is where I think she was shocked that she had been cut by anyone. Many of the PNMs have had very limited experience with rejection of any kind. And this is where as moms, we need to provide support for our dds but NOT take it personal. Remember, they are the ones going through rush, not us." (Had to copy/paste because I still haven't figured out how to take just part of a quote, sorry!)

My PNMdaughter experienced the same. She has had a really good recruitment with full or near full schedule every round (and has always kept her original favorite) but she still had to ask WHY?? DEF and XYG cut her even though they hadn't been on her radar. I don't think it was so much that she loved them, but that they liked others better and why?? I think it's that combination of not having to deal with much rejection and the burning desire to find the place they'll fit in at in college. (I wanted to slap her, too

, but luckily for her it only lasted a second and she was too far away!)

carnation · #11 08-15-2010, 03:08 PM

I think you're right about the limited rejection they get before age 18. My daughters and I provided several recs for a Bama PNM a few years ago. We tried to prepare her but after second parties, we got this call, "HEY! Some of those groups cut me!" She was horrified...her grades were great, she was gorgeous, she had super activities.

She also had great groups left on her schedule and we kept stressing that but all she could think about is that some groups cut her. She pledged a very strong Bama group and is now in grad school but she has probably never gotten over the shock of being cut.

KSUViolet06 · #12 08-15-2010, 03:11 PM

I tend to agree with the above, sometimes cuts don't hurt because you loved that chapter (you may have only liked them a little bit) but sometimes it hurts just because in the mind of an 18-year-old freshman, that cut means "They don't like me!" or "I don't fit in!" or "I'm not cool enough."

Those are tough feelings, especially if a PNM maybe comes from a HS environment where she was very popular, Homecoming Queen, won a lot of major awards, etc. This may be the first time she has ever felt "unliked" or "uncool."

Granted, we as adults know that recruitment won't be the last time she'll feel that way, but at 18, you sometimes don't see that.

SwampThang · #13 08-15-2010, 03:47 PM

I totally agree with the limited exposure to rejection that most young adults experience these days. I guess I was kind of surprised at dd's response since I have tried to prepare her for times like these. I mean it's like I've always told her, "I was there when you were born and they didn't give you a life is fair card." Anyway, it all worked out for the best and that's what I was trying to convey. She is a very happy, active sister of a strong group of exceptional young ladies.

KSUViolet06 · #14 08-15-2010, 03:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SwampThang

I mean it's like I've always told her, "I was there when you were born and they didn't give you a life is fair card."

Love this.

aephi alum · #15 08-15-2010, 05:02 PM

I have to agree that young people these days have very little experience with rejection or failure. It used to be that kids would get their first taste of rejection, say, when they were 7 years old and weren't picked for their local Little League team, or when they were 12 years old and weren't picked for the school choir. Now "everyone's a winner" and the first time these young people run into rejection is when they go through NPC recruitment and a chapter cuts them, or when they go through NIC recruitment and don't get a bid from their favorite fraternity, or when they go through NPHC rush and don't get selected. And they say "ZOMG, how could DEF not want ME?!" - even if DEF wasn't their favorite.

I'm glad your daughter is a happy ABC and didn't drop out because DEF cut her.