Asking daddy's permission before proposing

AGDee · #1 10-20-2009, 01:58 PM

Maybe I'm too modern, but I would have been totally and completely offended had either of my husbands asked my father for permission. My father did not own me once I turned 18. I was my own person making my own decisions. My father should have NO SAY in who I choose to marry. The man controlled every aspect of my life as long as I lived in his home. As soon as I was out, no way, no how was he going to have any say in how I lived my life.

Jill1228 · #2 10-20-2009, 02:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AGDee

Maybe I'm too modern, but I would have been totally and completely offended had either of my husbands asked my father for permission. My father did not own me once I turned 18. I was my own person making my own decisions. My father should have NO SAY in who I choose to marry. The man controlled every aspect of my life as long as I lived in his home. As soon as I was out, no way, no how was he going to have any say in how I lived my life.

I am with you on this one. Mainly because my parents split when I was 7 and my dad and I have had an on an off relationship (mostly off) most of my adult life (and it has been off for the past 8 years and I don't see any sign of it being on ever again)

Had I had a good relationship with my father, I would NOT require FH to ask my dad (I'm grown dammit), but it would have been a sweet gesture

FSUZeta, congrats to your daughter! Have you been taking notes of what not to do from the MIL thread?

Kappamd · #3 10-20-2009, 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AGDee

Maybe I'm too modern, but I would have been totally and completely offended had either of my husbands asked my father for permission. My father did not own me once I turned 18. I was my own person making my own decisions. My father should have NO SAY in who I choose to marry. The man controlled every aspect of my life as long as I lived in his home. As soon as I was out, no way, no how was he going to have any say in how I lived my life.

I should clarify.

I didn't necessarily mean they should ask for permission. I do, however, think it is respectful to give the parents a bit of a heads up that you are going to propose. I'm sure it depends on the parents too.

Ok, end of hijack. Congratulations again!

WVU alpha phi · #4 10-20-2009, 02:45 PM

I've expressed to my current boyfriend (and possible future husband) that if he were decide to propose, asking my father is a must and I'd be really disappointed if he didn't. I have a great relationship with both my parents and I just think it's a nice gesture that shows respect. Pls I'm confident my parents would be absolutely thrilled, because they love him. My boyfriend was brought up that asking the father is a given, so he has no problems with my request.

I know you're technically asking permission but I think it's also a heads up and like I said, respect. I'm not sure what I'd do if my parents said no and he asked anyway. I do know someone whose fiance asked her father to marry her, the father said no (apparently his girlfriend's family is well off and his family is not, but by no means poor), and he proposed anyway. He told his girlfriend what her father had said and she flipped out and married her boyfriend regardless of her dad's opinion.

Anyway, back to the main topic, congrats FSUZeta to your family!! I'm jealous your daughter got to have a candle pass. It's such a beautiful ceremony that I've only seen performed once in my chapter and I loved it.

agzg · #5 10-20-2009, 03:18 PM

I'm down for the heads up and maybe asking my dad on advice how to pick a ring (although my dad has excellent taste in jewelry so this may be why) but as far as asking permission - I didn't ask his permission to move halfway across the country and move in with a guy - I don't see where asking permission is necessary.

However, I'm from the North. And I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan. And I'm a bra burner.

ETA:

FSUZeta, congratulations! You sound way cooler than my potential mother in law!

Gusteau · #6 10-20-2009, 03:20 PM

Not to drag out the hijack, but my mother would be so disappointed in me if I didn't ask for permission first. I do, however, see it as more of a respect thing and less of a permission thing. If he said no it would absolutely not stop me from proposing. FWIW, if my significant other did not have a good relationship with her father I would still probably ask her mother (if they did not have an equally distant relationship).

Anyway, congratulations!

FSUZeta · #7 10-20-2009, 06:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AGDee

Maybe I'm too modern, but I would have been totally and completely offended had either of my husbands asked my father for permission. My father did not own me once I turned 18. I was my own person making my own decisions. My father should have NO SAY in who I choose to marry. The man controlled every aspect of my life as long as I lived in his home. As soon as I was out, no way, no how was he going to have any say in how I lived my life.

what??? it's not about ownership. the young man was asking permission to propose to our daughter, and promising to love her, and treat her well and with respect-things that most people promise in their wedding vows. it was totally up to her to accept or decline his proposal, with no explanation due to us at all.

FSUZeta · #8 10-21-2009, 01:04 PM

i have an idea-why don't you folks who are offended that my future son-in-law spoke to my husband about proposing to our daughter, create a new thread and go over there and bash away. i have tried to be tolerant, but honest to goodness, you have taken over this thread and the point of the thread was to share some happy news.

AGDee · #9 10-21-2009, 10:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FSUZeta

what??? it's not about ownership. the young man was asking permission to propose to our daughter, and promising to love her, and treat her well and with respect-things that most people promise in their wedding vows. it was totally up to her to accept or decline his proposal, with no explanation due to us at all.

I was referring to my own situation, not yours at all. People should do what is right for them. In my situation, it would have offended me. I didn't generalize that to anybody else. I am sorry that you took it that way.

ree-Xi · #10 10-22-2009, 04:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AGDee

Maybe I'm too modern, but I would have been totally and completely offended had either of my husbands asked my father for permission. My father did not own me once I turned 18. I was my own person making my own decisions. My father should have NO SAY in who I choose to marry. The man controlled every aspect of my life as long as I lived in his home. As soon as I was out, no way, no how was he going to have any say in how I lived my life.

In my family (I'm Italian), that's the way it's done. It's a matter of respect to the father. My husband drove 2 hours in a snowstorm to ask my dad in person. Of course, my dad, knowing his daughter, laughed and said "well it's really up to her", but appreciated the gesture wholeheartedly. And it makes for a lovely story! And I have to say, many years later, my dad still calls my husband "son".

MysticCat · #11 10-22-2009, 05:00 PM

I've never thought of it as asking for dad's permission so much as asking for his blessing.

In my case, I just made sure I knew what my (now) wife wanted, and it was very clear that, because of her close relationship with her father, she wanted to me to ask him for her hand, not tell him that we were getting married. So I did, and as I said in the other thread, my wife still enjoys remembering his reaction.

When it's my daughter's turn, as long as I think she's making a good match, I won't lose any sleep at all if he doesn't ask me, nor will I take offense if he does. I'll be happy as long as he does what makes her happy.

ree-Xi · #12 10-22-2009, 05:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gamma

Did he ask permission before he had sex with you?

lovespink88 · #13 10-22-2009, 05:33 PM

I think I would like my future husband to ask my dad. My dad is a bit old fashioned when it comes to those things...I know that my dad asked my grandpa when he wanted to propose to my mom. Although he knows that he obviously can't prevent me from marrying someone, I think he would be a little bit offended if he wasn't asked first. Like someone said before, I think it's just a nice, respectful gesture, and I know that it would mean a LOT to my dad. It's not the end of the world if it doesn't happen, though.

Psi U MC Vito · #14 10-22-2009, 06:30 PM

Did a mod split this off from the other thread?

Anyway, in the future if I decide to get married I probably would ask for the parents blessing, though of course it will be her choice. I is a respect thing, and I don't want my new family hating me off the bat.

WCsweet<3 · #15 10-22-2009, 06:43 PM

For me, I feel like it would be more of a heads up, like hey, I'm going to ask WC to marry me. I've expressed to my current bf and will express to anyone else who comes along that I want my parents to be with me when I am proposed. My family is really close so it would be really awesome if they were there, however I know this is not the case for a lot of families.