Life-changing decision...ladies, what would you do?

cali_girl · #1 05-24-2001, 07:54 PM

This is my first post to the forum although I have been reading other members' posts for months. I would like to know what you would do if you were in the situation I am currently in.

For three years I was in a serious relationship with a man. We talked about marriage, kids, and often had conversations about how we would spend the rest of our lives together. Then one day this March he broke off the relationship out of nowhere leaving me heartbroken. He said that he still wanted to be friends but that he needed some time to himself. He said that while he didn't want to date other people, he needed some time away from the relationship. We kept in close contact and weeks later we became intimate again. I believed we were on the road to reconciliation until he introduced me to one of his family members as a "friend".

From that point on I had no intent of sleeping with someone who I loved, but who only considered me a friend. Days later I suspected that I was pregnant. He went with me to a clinic where my pregnancy was confirmed. He made it clear that he wasn't going to marry me because he had not sorted out in his mind how he truly feels about me. At first he encouraged me to get an abortion, then he said that he still loves me and would support the child if I decided to keep it.

I'm 22 years old. I planned to attend graduate school in the fall while he will be in another region of the country in law school. In a couple of years I'll be able to support a child, but right now I have no income. My parents are trying to be supportive but it would be a financial strain on them no doubt. One of the most important plans for my life was to get married some day and have a family. But I don't think there are men my age who would be attracted to a woman with a child, so my hopes of getting married are gone.

At this point I feel like my young life is over before it really got started. I used to feel strongly that abortion was wrong because it was killing a baby to pay for your mistake. Now I'm starting to think about it. If I had one, then I could get my life back and continue with my dreams for the future. I pray daily for God to help me make a decision.

I don't know if any of you have ever been in this situation, but I would like to hear your viewpoints on this situation. What would you do?

DreamfulOne · #2 05-24-2001, 08:19 PM

First let me say that it saddens me that you are going through this and I am thankful that you have family who are supportive in any decision that you will make.

I understand where you are coming from because I too once walked in your shoes; however, I much younger at the time. If it had not been for the LORD on my side or the ordeal that I've gone through I don't know where I would be today. When I say I understand where you are coming from I do. I had an abortion two months before my 16th birthday(without support family support) and it was the right decision for me to make considering my circumstances. I constantly regret "killing" my baby but then on the other hand I'm thankful because I know I wasn't and in many ways am not ready for the responsibilities that come along with being a parent.

I, nor no one, can not tell you what to do. You have to follow your heart. You already know that parenting is a huge responsibility (financially, physically, emotinally, and mentally). Are you prepared to make sacrifices for someone that didn't ask to be here?

Because you have a supportive family and if you put your faith in GOD, you can make it.

If you need to talk more confidently or whatever, don't hesitate to email me.

A friend from afar

lilbittyprettyone · #3 05-24-2001, 10:49 PM

My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine what you must be going through. Personally, I have never agreed with abortion, but, then again, I have never been pregnant. I cannot say what I would do if I was in your situation.
What I can say is that God has someone for each of us. When that man comes into your life, he won't care if you have a child or not. So, don't feel that having a baby will hinder you from finding your true love.
I suggest that you pray long and hard. Lean on the Lord and he will direct your path. Everything happens for a reason.
I hope everything works out for you.

PrettyPetite · #4 05-25-2001, 12:07 AM

As I read your post, you bring back a trying time for me.

I too, was in your situation, but younger. I was a nineteen year old sophomore. Before then, I SWORE I would NEVER get an abortion, but I can tell you from experience, things change once you are in the ACTUAL situation. I can't tell you what is the best decision, but I can tell you what I was told to do by a friend when I went through this.

Pray. Ask the Lord for guidance in your trying situation. He will guide you. Also, don't EVER think for a second that your life is over, simply because of this situation. This is simply a bump in the road of life. Whether or not you decide to bring life into this world or not, you still will be a strong woman, and you will get through this! Lastly, if you do decide to bring life into this world, do not EVER doubt for a second that a man would not want you. If you are a strong positive woman who is about something, then believe me, a REAL man would be able to see this, and wouldn't be hesitant to be with you. I'm not speaking garbage here, I am speaking from what I have seen in quite a few situations.

I am the same age as you, so I can understand what you are going through. Even though I don't know you, I will pray for you, and I hope that you make the best decision for yourself.

Sisterly,
PrettyPetite

tickledpink · #5 05-25-2001, 01:26 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by PrettyPetite:
Lastly, if you do decide to bring life into this world, do not EVER doubt for a second that a man would not want you. If you are a strong positive woman who is about something, then believe me, a REAL man would be able to see this, and wouldn't be hesitant to be with you. I'm not speaking garbage here, I am speaking from what I have seen in quite a few situations.

Exactly. I personally do not believe in abortion, and I don't want to turn this post into a war for or against it. However, whatever your decision may be, make sure it excludes because you think someone may not want you if you have a child. Right now it may be hard for you to see how, but trust me, you're still very young - you can still get married, even with a child. As the sista said, as long as you are a strong, positive woman, men will be attracted to that light. Also, as far as the financial strain ~ everything happens for a reason. Maybe this is a test of your faith. God created the oceans and the mountains, ~ and He will certainly be able to take care of you and your child by making a way out of no way. Put all of your faith in Him.

Take Care.

Onenine08 · #6 05-25-2001, 01:39 AM

Young Sister, let me tell you something. I am sitting here reading your post and I am in tears because although I have never been pregnant, I have felt what you are feeling over other situations. For those sisters who've had abortions, the only thing you need to do is ask the Lord to forgive you and he will. Then forgive yourself. You did what was right for you at that time. Maybe if your circumstances were different your decision would have been different, but in no way does that make you any less of a woman or any less capable of loving yourself.
Dear, think about what you are ready to handle. Both decisions are extrememly difficult and you will have to live with whatever decision you make. Its wonderful you have support. Allow your ex some input while knowing that you will bear the majority of the burden of whatever you decide to do. Think realistically about your relationship with the father. This might drive you even farther away from ever marrying him. Thats a reality that you must figure into the equation. But trust me -- you can find true love as a single parent. In fact. I have a friend who is a Lt. Col. in the Air Force. He is a base commander and he recently asked a single mother to marry him.
Take a few hours, lock yourself in your room and have a talk with God. I know it sounds crazy, but have a talk with yourself as well. Cry, scream, pray, meditate. Do whatever it takes to get you to a point of peace where you can make this decision with a clear mind and heart.
IS YOUR LIFE OVER IF YOU KEEP THE BABY?? No, of course not. Will it be harder?? Most definitely. For the number of hard times, bad times, tough times, you will have equally as many or even more good times and love. You can manage grad school with a new baby. Its done every day. Do know this, sometimes it is easier to talk to an unbiased stranger, so if you ever need to talk, my email is jacksont@owcc.net. In fact I am an academic administrator, so I see young mothers "doin'" it every day. Stay strong. Much love.

P.S. I have 4 friends who've had abortions. It took an emotional toll on all of them. But they are all happy, successful in their careers, and married with children.

Eclipse · #7 05-25-2001, 08:09 AM

Cali_girl, My heart and my prayers go out to you! I won't even try to give you advice, but I would like to ask a question. You seem to be looking at two alternatives: abortion and raising the child as a single parent. Have you considered adoption? I ask the question because I have a very dear friend who is unable to conceive and she and her husband are in the process of adopting. Although there are many black babies with health problems (crack babies) available for adoption, there are fewer healthy babies.

I certainly don't want to add to your confusion in this difficult time, but I did want to give you another option!

Be blessed....

exquizit · #8 10-10-2001, 10:20 PM

I brought this back up to the top because a friend of mine went out with two other couples........

Couple number one just had an abortion because after making the decision to get off pills and try for a child, she got pregnant within a month. To their calculations it was too soon so they decided to try again in a few months

Couple number two are engaged and were due to be married this June but bumped the wedding up because guess what??? She found out she was preggers too.

This is the kicker....Couple number happily suggests that couple number two have an abortion too then try again for the honeymoon!!!

Is it just me or are these folks twisted????

Now what's really sad is that my friend and her husband had recently gone though a miscarriage and are having problems concieving. this is the most SELFISH crap I've ever heard!!!

blueberi1920 · #9 10-10-2001, 10:51 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by exquizit

Is it just me or are these folks twisted????

No it's just not you, these folks are twisted.

I know there are strong cases on both sides to the subject (i.e. abortion), so I cannot say I have definite stance on the issue as of yet.

However, abortion is not a means of birth control

They're other ways condoms, contraceptives etc. Couple one needs to focus. They remind me of too many girls I went/go to school with.

lil_sunshine · #10 10-11-2001, 12:54 PM

Personally, I've never been pregnant, had a miscarriage or an abortion, and I'd never know what that could possibly be like. My 2 younger sisters have had three abortions total between them and now the 21 year old has a 2 month old son and the 20 year old is pregnant now and is due January 8th. The youngest one is Muslim and unmarried, so technically, she's committed a major sin. The father of her baby is her high school sweetheart and he lives in London, England. Why so far away, you ask? He lived here in the States and committed a felony. Since his family's from Jamaica, he was deported there after he had done his time in jail. Since he was unhappy with his life there, he decided to go and stay with his uncle in London, where he is now. I'm not sure of his financial situation, but I know he can't come into the States for 5 YEARS!!! I'm not sure what she's going to do, but she better get a clue quick because January 8th is going to be here sooner than she thinks. I'm 24 years old and I think she's old enough to make her own decisions, so I'm not going to intrude on her personal life.

I think you should have an abortion because you're not mentally or financially ready to have a baby. If you do decide to have the baby, remember that BABIES ARE EXPENSIVE AND THEY NEED A LOT OF YOUR TIME AND LOVE TO FLOURISH AND GROW. The mistakes you make while you raise your child are YOUR OWN, so don't ever place blame on him/her for what YOU did. Also remember this, YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHO HE/SHE BECOMES IN THE FUTURE, SO WHATEVER MISTAKES YOU MAKE ARE YOUR OWN. NEVER PLACE ANY BLAME ON YOUR CHILD THAT HE/SHE DOESN'T DESERVE.

Hidden Agenda · #11 10-11-2001, 03:16 PM

The issue of abortion is a personal one. I consider myself prochoice - it's your choice and your life that you have to deal with. You know your situation better than anyone else Having an abortion is not goin to solve the real problem. I don't agree with abortions as a way to cover up a mistake or turn back time, or allow for more time in this case. Whatever you decide to do, you must decide to be responsible. There are too many irresponsible people in this world. In the end, you are going to have to face God after you've made your decision. You are going to have to look in the mirror and make good of your circumstances.
How are you going to make sure you don't end up in this situaton again? People need to really put some heavy thought into their actions, every time you sleep with someone, he could become the father of your child. It's fact that most women want to be married before they have children, so since sex=children it would be wise to consider marriage before sex, before children. Don't fall into the same trap again.

Poplife · #12 10-11-2001, 09:18 PM

I'm surprised no one has mentioned adoption. It seems like everyone is on opposite ends of the spectrum. There IS middle ground...

As for the abortion issue, I think it's gross. Not to offend anyone, but as someone who has seen the procedure done (from an internal aspect) I can't see why anyone would actually do that. I will never stop believing that abortion is an industry rooted in pure selfishness. It is disguised as a choice to benefit mother, child, and society.

As a deeply spiritual person, I'm a firm believer that there really is a 'circle of life.' If we screw with the circle by removing a life entity before it's able to contribute to society then we could be setting off a chain reaction. THAT thought really and truly scares me. In fact, it scares me more than the thought of being a single mom or a 'birth mother.'

When I was in high school my friends and I were discussing HIV and AIDS. One of my friends wondered why no one had not yet found a cure. Then another friend thought for a moment and said, "Maybe his mom had an abortion." That really made me think long and hard. You never know that that blob of goo growing in a woman is destined to be. It's a lot deeper than that abortionist make it out to be...

I'm not religious but I'm going to ask God to help guide you. No matter what you choose it will stick with you for life. Abortion is not a 'quick fix' and being a single mom is not easy either. I only know one girl who put her baby up for adoption. She says it's hard but she takes pride in knowing that she loved her baby enough to give her a chance...even if isn't with her. I think that takes more guts than the other two options. But no matter what you choose I pray to God that you can live with it.

exquizit · #13 10-12-2001, 10:47 AM

I really thought this back to the top to vent about this one couples choice........

Theirs was just plain SELFISH..

But as for the whole abortion issue itself, I feel like I couldn't personally make the choice to terminate, my daughter being living proof. But in hindsight...........

I think I'm really in no position to judge anyone else. Everyone has their own personal situations and issues that they go through in making these "life changing" decisions.

The couple I was speaking of just didn't think anything of it though....they were more or less thinking that ."oops, we did it too soon. Let's get rid of this one and get another one later" Like it was a new pair of shoes or a bad apple that didn't please them.

Like I've said before...I'm really in no position to judge folks, but this just blew me away