Need Advice :)

[srmom]

Okay, I am really struggling with an issue, any input would be appreciated.

My youngest son is a junior in hs, 16 years old. Over the summer and earlier this year, he dated a young lady from another highschool, someone he has known for a number of years as a friend, but their relationship got serious last spring. After a number of strange and stressful things took place (that I don't want to go into), he attempted to break it off. Well, to say that she hasn't taken it well would be an understatement. She has exhibited some really disturbing behavior since then...

My husband and I have stayed out of it, only counseling him to be kind, but firm in his wanting to end the relationship. My son has tried to handle it, but, it is getting totally out of control. She calls and texts his cell phone up to 30 times a day or more, and calls our house phone repeatedly. She now has started showing up at our house and walking in the open back door, univited and unannounced. It is very upsetting to my son who really doesn't know how to handle it. He has tried being nice, he has tried being mean, nothing works, and the behavior is becoming more and more obsessive.

Yesterday when I came home from work, she was at the house. I hadn't seen her in quite some time, and when I saw her last night, I was alarmed. It looks like she has lost a LOT of weight (like scary skinny). I know through the grapevine that she has had issues with anorexia in the past, and frankly, I am majorly concerned about her mental and physical health. She was crying and apologetic that I found her at the house. I told her that she needed to leave and that the constant phoning and showing up was not helping matters, that she needed to give my son space, and that maybe in time, they could be friends again. The whole scene was really kind of weird (hard to describe).

Anyway, my husband and I are struggling with calling her parents and letting them know what's been happening. We don't want to get involved, but whatever my son has been trying has clearly not worked. I'm kind of nervous about calling, I don't know them well, having only met a few times. What do y'all think? If this was one of my college aged kids, I'd say, "you got yourself in this mess, now get yourself out." but, these are kids and my son is in over his head...

[agzg]

I would think calling her parents would be appropriate. Obviously, as much as you want this girl out of your (and your son's) life, you're also concerned about this girl's mental and physical health, and I think it's kindof sweet that you don't only care about your kid. Maybe you should ask them to come over for coffee or something.

Of course, I don't have kids nor do I know any high school kids, so I defer to other parents on GC.

Good luck.

[KSUViolet06]

If you have a concern for her health/mental health, I would talk to her mom at some point. If my hypothetical daughter were randomly showing up at her ex's house and looking alarmingly thin, I think I would want somene to let me know, just so I can make sure everything's okay.

[AOII Angel]

You definitely should call this girl's parents. I know you want your son to handle this, but both of these kids are still minors. She is obviously out of control and likely hurting herself. She is also being a nuisance to your son. If talking to her parents doesn't stop her behavior, you should have your son's cell phone number changed and begin locking your doors. Notifying the police is also not a bad idea if her parents can't or won't pull her back to reality.

[nikki1920]

I agree with calling her parents, changing his cell phone number and alerting the police.

[aopirose]

Originally Posted by nikki1920

I agree with calling her parents, changing his cell phone number and alerting the police.

Yup, yup and yup. It might be a difficult conversation but better to be a little uncomfortable then to see things spiral more out of control.

ETA: Lock your back door!

[Kevin]

Step 1) what everyone else is saying -- try and work this out with her parents.

If that doesn't work, get some sort of restraining order. What she's doing probably would fall under some harassment or stalking statute, which should be enough to get a court order cutting her off.

[libramunoz]

The best thing to do would be to call the parents and talk with them. Let them know the actual behavior that their daughter has been exhibiting towards your son. Show them the phone records and text messages. AOII Angel is right, invite them over for coffee/tea/soda and just let them know what's been going on. Have your son around to explain, from his perspective, what's been going on to let the parents know what's happening.
If this doesn't work, you are going to have to resort to an eventual restraining order. Hopefully by talking to them, it works itself out.

[Munchkin03]

I would definitely speak to her parents first. If they aren't cooperative, or the weird behavior continues or escalates, then I'd go to the cops.

[srmom]

Thanks for your posts. My son actually said something about a restraining order and I kind of laughed it off as being extreme - until I had my run in with her yesterday, now I see where he's coming from.

I am going to call her mom (GULP) this evening to see if we can set up a meeting. I'm sure they must be aware that things are not okay with her. I just have never had to have this type of conversation before and really don't relish it. But, it is in her, and my son's, best interest to get this to stop.

[WVU alpha phi]

Originally Posted by srmom

Thanks for your posts. My son actually said something about a restraining order and I kind of laughed it off as being extreme - until I had my run in with her yesterday, now I see where he's coming from.

I am going to call her mom (GULP) this evening to see if we can set up a meeting. I'm sure they must be aware that things are not okay with her. I just have never had to have this type of conversation before and really don't relish it. But, it is in her, and my son's, best interest to get this to stop.

I'm glad you've decided to call her parents. I dealt with an extreme breakup in high school (my parents tossed around the idea of a restraining order as well). My mom contacted his mom after he showed up at my house at 10pm while my dad was out of town with several private school girls (I went to public school, he went to private) and repeatedly called my house and cell phone demanding I come outside so they could "kick my ass". My mom called his mother to tell her, and her response? "He's really upset about the break up."

I completely think it's the right idea to tell her parents.. just brace yourself for the possibility of an unusual response!

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by WVU alpha phi

My mom contacted his mom after he showed up at my house at 10pm while my dad was out of town with several private school girls . . . .

Your mom was okay with your dad being out of town with all those private school girls?!

(Sorry, I just couldn't resist. )

Srmom, good luck!! I think you're doing the right thing. I just hope the girl's parents are willing to listen and hear.

[srmom]

Thanks again. (plus had to post one to get my post number up to 667) I need all the luck I can get!!

[libramunoz]

Don't be afraid to speak with the parents. Talk with them the same way you would talk with a co-worker that was bugging you at work. Just be as professional as possible while beinging able to bring your point across about their daughters behavior and how uncomfortable/strange it is for your family.
Just remember that you don't have to be confrontational and inform them that you are concerned about their child and that you just want both families to be and feel safe and secure.
Keep it on a family level so that they don't feel "attacked" or feel as though you are saying that they are "bad parents."

[DaemonSeid]

Originally Posted by nikki1920

I agree with calling her parents, changing his cell phone number and alerting the police.

Ditto to what she said....don't be afraid to put your foot down and distancing your son as far as possible from the young lady.