your opinion

psusensei · #1 07-22-2002, 04:05 PM

i just want your opinion on this and what you might do if you were in this situation?

My boyfriend is 21, and I am not...we have been together for a couple months now, and during the past month or so I have found we have a lot more tension between us than ever before. THis is partly due to the fact that he spends A LOT of time with his friends...all of whom are 21. Since I'm not, and won't be for about 6 more months, he spends a lot of his weekends out with them at bars and stuff. This makes me angry because I feel like he is ditching me to go hang out with them, only because I cannot go. He clains that during the summer it hasn't been that bad, but once we are back at school he says I'll need an ID or else we won't be able to go out at all because he likes to go to bars...I personally don't care too much about bars because all my friends are under 21 and we find stuff to do...but I hate to think that I am losing him to a bar...but we do go to different schools, so the weekends are the only time I get to spend with him, and I don't want to spend that time angry because we can't go out...

am I being unreasonable?

#2 07-22-2002, 04:57 PM

I went through this with a (now ex-)boyfriend, and here's my take on the situation.

It sounds like your boyfriend was the youngest of his group of friends,and I know when my ex, and then when I, turned 21, we were both the youngest in our respective groups. That meant that he had been left out when all of his friends went out to the bar, and now he can finally join them.

Plus, a lot of times, when you first turn 21 (say for the first 6 months or so, depending) the bars are just the COOLEST thing on earth.... trust me, it'll wear off after a while.

My advice, and what happened with my boyfriend and I, would be to explain to him that you feel left out, and since you only get to see him on weekends, you'd like him to maybe set aside one weekend night a week to spend with you. He should be willing to do at least that. And don't worry... like I said, the bar phase will pass pretty soon - it always does!

AOIIBrandi · #3 07-22-2002, 05:03 PM

This won't really help the b-friend problem, but aren't there any bars that are 18 and up? All the bars where I went to college were. If there are then you could go there with him and his friends. You may not be able to drink, but you could still be with him and guarantee that he arrives home safely

aephi alum · #4 07-22-2002, 06:03 PM

When my husband and I met, he was 21 and I was a few months shy of my 21st birthday. It never really was a problem. If there was a particular bar he wanted to go to, he would save it for a night when I was busy (studying, rush, made plans with my sisters/friends, etc) and he'd go with his friends. Also, some bars/clubs have 18+ or 19+ nights, so we'd go on one of those nights. Some of the trendier clubs in Boston are actually 23+, so he felt my pain because he couldn't get into them either!

See if you can convince him to take you to bars that have attached restaurants. If you sit in the restaurant section, they don't care how old you are (this may vary by state). It's not quite the same as being physically "at the bar", but he can have whatever he wants to drink, you can be his designated driver if need be, and it's a lot less smoky

dzsaigirl · #5 07-22-2002, 06:03 PM

If he really said that you had better get a fake ID or else you wouldn't get to spend much time with him, that tells me that he has placed going out as a higher priority than spending time with you.

Just ask him, if he had to give you up or give up going out, which would he pick. Granted, he doesn't have to give up either, but he should be willing to compromise. For instance, making one night on the weekend just for you two, or maybe going to 18 and up more often so that you can go too. But the way it sounds like he is acting is just ridiculous in my opinion.

AchtungBaby80 · #6 07-22-2002, 06:47 PM

I agree with dzsaigirl. You sound more mature than HE is.

Eirene_DGP · #7 07-22-2002, 09:30 PM

I also agree with Dzsaigirl. I don't mean to jump to conclusions, but if drinking means that much to him, did you ever think that maybe he might have a slight problem with alcohol. Me and my bf used to have the problem that he only wanted to go out to clubs that he knew I couldn't get into b/c I wasn't 21, but after I turned 21 in April I diliberately go out without him to return the favor

lifesaver · #8 07-22-2002, 09:41 PM

Quote:

am I being unreasonable?

Well, in a word, yes.

But not super unreasonable. Let me explain myself here. Ya gotta see this from the guys point of view. Hes finally allowed to go hang with his friends. Yeah, he should wanna spend time with you, but hes not looking at it that way.

My roomate is going through this with his much younger girlfiend of 18. Shes very clingy (i am not saying you are) and let him go out the other night and got all bitchy when he came home hammered. I was like, what you thought he was gonna skip 21 and the behavior because he's with you? Guys arent built that way. If they were, wed never have mid-life crises. Blame it on the Y Chromosome. She told me that she was gonna make him choose. I told her two things. 1) give him the gift of freedom to go out with his friends as your present to him. and 2) DONT make him choose unless you are 200% certain what his choice will be. Dont make him choose when theres a possibility that you might not like the answer.

Like was posted before, the booze thing will get old after a while for many reasons. 1) Sleep. Partying makes you tired. It will add up. 2)Hangovers. Eventually they get harder and harder to handle. 3)Money. Partying like a rock star is expensive. Its way cheaper to drink as a minor. all you pay for is an 18 pack or kick in on a keg. Just to get yourself loaded at a club is expensive, much less buying drinks for others. Its very easy to blow $60 on a nite on the town. (Interesting note: I spend more cash the cheaper the booze is. I have only dropped $25 at an expensive joint, yet spent $70 at quarter beer night. WTF is that?) It will wear off soon. If you try to prove apoint or get all demanding, it will be the end of the relationship. Guys dont deal well with being told what to. Nop matter how you present it, hes gonna see it as being told to not go ut with his buddies, he'll see you as jealous, he'll begin to resent the whole situation and you are on then on the love titanic. Not a good situation. Just stick it out. he'll be back to his old self in a matter of a month or 2.

FHwku · #9 07-23-2002, 02:39 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Ginger
I
Plus, a lot of times, when you first turn 21 (say for the first 6 months or so, depending) the bars are just the COOLEST thing on earth.... trust me, it'll wear off after a while.

that's just mean. now, i've just come to the cold realization that it won't be the coolest thing ever, for long...years of Cheers, down the drain...i'll just have to enjoy it "while the beer is still cold."

Jeff OTMG · #10 07-23-2002, 04:45 AM

Listen to yourself:
'he spends A LOT of time with his friends'
'he spends a lot of his weekends out with them'
'I feel like he is ditching me'
'He clains that during the summer it hasn't been that bad'
'I'll need an ID or else we won't be able to go out at all because he likes to go to bars'
'I personally don't care too much about bars'
'the weekends are the only time I get to spend with him'

You have just told me that your 'boyfriend' does not find you important enough to spend time with because it might inconvienence him too much or interfere with his fun. He makes you feel bad and you are way down on his list of priorities. You don't even have going to bars in common. Why are you even concerned about spending time with this person? He is the wrong guy for you!! Do you like being way down on the list in what is important to him? Do you like being treated like a doormat? Are you unable to find someone else to date that you can be taken advantage of this easily? This is NOT how a guy treats someone that he really wants to be with. Take a hint.

psusensei · #11 07-23-2002, 10:14 AM

ok thanks for all the responses...good and bad

greekboy99 · #12 09-05-2008, 11:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by psusensei

i just want your opinion on this and what you might do if you were in this situation?

My boyfriend is 21, and I am not...we have been together for a couple months now, and during the past month or so I have found we have a lot more tension between us than ever before. THis is partly due to the fact that he spends A LOT of time with his friends...all of whom are 21. Since I'm not, and won't be for about 6 more months, he spends a lot of his weekends out with them at bars and stuff. This makes me angry because I feel like he is ditching me to go hang out with them, only because I cannot go. He clains that during the summer it hasn't been that bad, but once we are back at school he says I'll need an ID or else we won't be able to go out at all because he likes to go to bars...I personally don't care too much about bars because all my friends are under 21 and we find stuff to do...but I hate to think that I am losing him to a bar...but we do go to different schools, so the weekends are the only time I get to spend with him, and I don't want to spend that time angry because we can't go out...

am I being unreasonable?

do urself a favour...get rid of him before he hurts u more than he obviously has....he likes to play the field and hang out at bars all the time...ur better off without him...most guys that have good gf s want to spend as much time with her not his friends...unless other girls are where he goes to with his friends.....

texas*princess · #13 09-05-2008, 11:15 AM

^^^ this thread is 6 yrs old. just FYI

ASTalumna06 · #14 09-05-2008, 03:02 PM

Wow, 6 years old. This girl is 26 and probably married to someone else by now.