Ending a friendship?

ThetaDancer · #1 12-30-2008, 04:35 PM

I've been friends with my 2 "best friends" for years but lately (as in the past 6 months) I'm really no longer interested in being close friends with either of them. I don't exactly dislike either of them, but the friendships seem draining and sometimes like more of a chore than anything fun. I guess I just don't have that much in common with either of them anymore, and no longer have the same priorities.

I'd like to still be friends on some level, and we do have mutual friends, so I was hoping to avoid a major falling out. I've tried distancing myself and becoming less available, but they only call/text/etc. more often, which makes me more annoyed, which leads to me being even more distant, and repeat!

Has anyone been in this situation? Advice on the best way to handle this?

Kevin · #2 12-30-2008, 04:53 PM

Weigh the costs versus the benefits of having a confrontation and then decide.

Example: Costs: Things might spill over into other aspects of your life with these former friends demanding that other current friends take sides.

Benefits: You'll have the benefit of knowing you clearly communicated your feelings.

I don't think any of us know your situation... Just try to figure out what your goals are here and act accordingly.

Munchkin03 · #3 12-30-2008, 04:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThetaDancer

I'd like to still be friends on some level, and we do have mutual friends, so I was hoping to avoid a major falling out. I've tried distancing myself and becoming less available, but they only call/text/etc. more often, which makes me more annoyed, which leads to me being even more distant, and repeat!

Has anyone been in this situation? Advice on the best way to handle this?

I have a friend with whom I decided to cut ties about a year ago. I basically stopped calling her. It worked.

KSigkid · #4 12-30-2008, 04:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kevin

Weigh the costs versus the benefits of having a confrontation and then decide.

Example: Costs: Things might spill over into other aspects of your life with these former friends demanding that other current friends take sides.

Benefits: You'll have the benefit of knowing you clearly communicated your feelings.

I don't think any of us know your situation... Just try to figure out what your goals are here and act accordingly.

Exactly - I would only add, though, that I would think long and hard about any confrontation. Most people in your friend's situation would probably call and text less as the distance grew more apparent.

It's a tough situation; I had a similar situation with my childhood best friend. Unfortunately, things ended up coming to a head when I made him best man for my wedding (he flaked out and ended up begging out of the position a month before the wedding). It's hard, though, when there's no one confrontation, but just a slow realization that you're not really friends anymore.

AGDee · #5 12-30-2008, 05:00 PM

I agree with KSigKid for the most part but I also want to add... just because you are not friends now doesn't mean you won't connect in 20 years and be excited to be in touch again. There were a few girls in my neighborhood growing up who I lost touch with after I graduated from high school. They found me through classmates.com and I had lunch with them this summer and it was really fun to get to know them all over again and reminisce. They didn't fit into my life at one time, but now I have fond memories of our childhood and I'm glad to be in touch with them again. Since we just drifted, it's ok. Had I confronted stuff back then, I'm sure they wouldn't have made the effort to find me.

VandalSquirrel · #6 12-30-2008, 07:29 PM

I'm the kind of person who does a cost benefit analysis, and then decides if the truth is worth it. However if I am thinking I'm not willing to tell them why I don't want to be friends, it is obvious it isn't worth it to me and I just let them go away. If someone has done something heinous I let them know, and to quote The Hills "forgive them and forget them." Forgiving someone doesn't mean they have to be in your life, and maybe cutting people off is harsh, but it really allows me to move on in a healthy manner.

33girl · #7 12-31-2008, 11:29 AM

It depends if you're just in different places in your lives and don't have a lot in common at the moment (ex. they are in Babyland and you aren't) or if they've become a truly toxic presence in your life.

If it's the first one, just tell a white lie - say you're really busy w/ work or whatever and you still value their friendship but you won't have as much time to hang out.

If it's the second, delete/block their phone number, email address and cut ties. If mutual friends ask what's up, just tell them it has nothing to do with them and as you don't want people taking sides you don't want to discuss it.

UGAalum94 · #8 12-31-2008, 05:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

It depends if you're just in different places in your lives and don't have a lot in common at the moment (ex. they are in Babyland and you aren't) or if they've become a truly toxic presence in your life.

If it's the first one, just tell a white lie - say you're really busy w/ work or whatever and you still value their friendship but you won't have as much time to hang out.

If it's the second, delete/block their phone number, email address and cut ties. If mutual friends ask what's up, just tell them it has nothing to do with them and as you don't want people taking sides you don't want to discuss it.

While I'd note that there's a full range of options between the two 33girl noted, I think she's on to something.

For the most part, when you're an adult, I don't think any kind of formal friendship breakup is required. Friendships just kind of drift and change without having to have a big discussion, unless at KSigKid noted someone has really done something huge.

Decide how much you want to see them or how much would be worth it to you to not to have a big scene or to preserve the friendship on some level, decide under what conditions you enjoy seeing them the most and just see them then. (You're fully entitle to have other plans or be busy when they call or text.) If it's not some sort of character flaw or damaging behavior on someone's part, it's probably a stage of life thing that will resolve itself.

HotDamnImAPhiMu · #9 02-01-2009, 12:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

I have a friend with whom I decided to cut ties about a year ago. I basically stopped calling her. It worked.

This is probably good advice for her. Since there isn't a "reason" she doesn't want to be friends with them (i.e., neither girl slept with her boyfriend, tried to stab her, etc.) a slow phase-out is probably ideal.

I had to break up with my BEST friend back in June. I don't think I've ever had a friend I was so close to. I was struggling through a hard time, she got fed up and said a lot of mean things about me (as a person, not with relation to the circumstances.) I told her very calmly that "I don't think I can be friends with someone who feels the way you do about me." We quit talking that day and haven't been in contact since.

When people ask about her (we used to do everything together), I just say lightly "Oh, we broke up" and laugh it off and promptly change the subject. I don't hate my ex-friend; I just don't want to be close friends with her anymore. So I have no need to trash-talk her to everyone who asks how she's doing.

lsucajun8 · #10 02-01-2009, 10:57 PM

I find this thread ironic because to my utter disbelief, my best friend and I are kind of going through a rough patch right now.

We went to high school together and did not really talk to each other, but then this past fall when I started college we just kind of clicked and we have been absolutely inseparable since then. She is absolutely my best friend and I am pretty sure that the feeling is mutual. We are very close, kind of like sisters.

The trouble has come in though just in the last week. We kind of just all of the sudden stopped talking, texting, calling, etc etc. I understand that two friends can not be around each other 24/7. I just am not quite understanding this sudden change in our friendship. I am all for giving each other space to chill out and take a break from each other, but why the sudden change? We are not mad at each other and she swears that nothing is wrong, but then I feel like I am walking on thin ice with her when i talk to her. Does all of this make sense? It is kind of complicated. I am not really sure what to do about this.

KSUViolet06 · #11 02-02-2009, 12:39 AM

You said this has only been going on for a WEEK.

A friendship is not necessarily doomed because someone does not call/text/whatever for a week.

It can mean that she is just busy, stressed with school, meeting new people, or just may not be in the mood to talk right now.

christiangirl · #12 02-02-2009, 12:58 AM

^^^Ditto. Don't hit the panic button yet, you both might just be busy this week.

Theta, I don't think you need a confrontation, but if these are your "best friends" you could at least tell them what's up.

This is exactly how my best friend and I ended. She wouldn't return a single call, text, nothing. I continued to ask her what was wrong, did I do something, etc. After some months, I pushed for a convo. If we've been best friends all these years, I deserved SOMETHING. You don't just ignore your "best friend" like she's nothing more than vapor. I'm a big girl--if she'd said she didn't want to be friends anymore then I could've taken that. I'd be hurt, but whatever. Not returning my calls made me wonder if something was seriously wrong (she has a life-threatening illness) and I started to freak out worrying. When I realized she'd just let me worry that much about her when she could've just returned a dang phone call and been honest, that hurt more than anything she'd ever done. Your sitch is a little different, but still--your friends are probably increasing their calls because they're being friends. They wanna know what's up with you. You don't have to do a big, flamboyant break-up (Take Me or Leave Me a la "Rent" for example) but, as someone who's been on the other side of this, just be honest. At the very least, tell them you're in a different place in life and you don't have as much time as you used to. But give them something.

HotDamnImAPhiMu · #13 02-02-2009, 01:18 AM

Why don't you reach out to her? Maybe she's going through a rough time; maybe she's just insecure and doubting her place in your life. Who knows. But you could step up to the plate and take responsibility for your communication for awhile... she doesn't call you? That's okay! You'll call her! You haven't heard from her in awhile? That's okay! You'll text her!

Take the initiative; you probably won't have to do this very long before she's back to her old self. What's that saying? Something about how friendship isn't 50/50, it's 70/30, or 40/60, or... The point being that sometimes you have to go more than halfway.

lsucajun8 · #14 02-02-2009, 02:11 AM

I see what you are saying phimu, and i think that I am going to try that. If she gets aggravated by my attempts then I will just give it some time. Now that I think about it I guess that I did kind of jump the gun since it has only been a week.

HotDamnImAPhiMu · #15 02-02-2009, 07:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lsucajun8

Now that I think about it I guess that I did kind of jump the gun since it has only been a week.

I don't know. When my best friend and I were close we talked multiple times a day (sometimes via gchat, email, etc.) and if she'd suddenly stopped initiating all contact for a week, it'd have felt like an eternity.

She's lucky to have a friend who misses her this much when she's gone.