Marrying Down?

[TheEpitome1920]

Watching "The View".

Do you all see a problem with marrying someone who may not be from the same socio-economic background as you? May not have a college degree? etc.

[beauti612]

There is nothing wrong with marrying someone from a different socio-economical backround or someone who does not have a degree, someone from another race or any other differences that will arise.
Love is love no matter what circumstances you or that person has seen
love does not come from what someone hads or does not have
It comes from inside both people

[BirthaBlue4]

Well, it depends on your goals. One of the basic elements of the relationship should be common goals. If they don't have a degree and you do, and you want to go further in your education, I mean, that's kind of hard, because your goals may not be on the same wavelength. If you're striving to further yourself, and they don't care and want to just work at McDonalds, then yall are not on the same wavelength about what you want from life.

But, like, if yougrew up rich and he poor or something of that nature, that's unimportant, as long as everything else is in sync.

[msn4med1975]

I think there is a problem honestly. If you don't normally run in the same social circles, don't have the same types of aspirations or have the same types of plans for the future that opens up a world of problems for the two of you. Love is a great thing but it can't overcome everything. I say this because money is often a problem for couples in general, add in couples who aren't necessarily ever going to make the same amount of money, and you have a timebomb waiting to go off. On top of the resentment that either one of you may develop towards each other for trying to better yourself or refusing to better yourself. it does work for SOME couples but it seems like one more thing that could cause problems for you.

[Shelacious]

Depends, primarily on his internal drive. Although I would prefer a guy who had some college (so that he had some critical thinking experience), I think that his motivation and desire play a bigger role. I don't really mind that a guy is a postal carrier (which is what my dad is) with no degree as long as he is the most effecient carrier around, that he has other intellectual pursuits/interests, that he's passionate about the things in which he is involved, and that he has a real desire in helping me (us)achieve my (our) professional, educational and social goals.

If, however, the guy is just barely getting by, hates his job (and has no plans for anything else), doesn't like supporting me in my social (networking) activities, doesn't crack open a book, I wouldn't call that "marrying down"--I'd call that a guy incompatable with my interests and goals. I don't think that education and socio-economic background are the only indicators of whether he'd be a good fit in that area though.

[reddawn18]

I have dated "down" and it has always been the problem for the guy. He would feel that I am cheating on him if I am at this event or another. Then if I would invite him to the place I am going, later he would say that we are talking about things that he would never talk about. We would be putting on show to isolate him.

I find this more in black men than other races. Why? It has to do with their pride. At least that is what I am told.

Now whether I will date or marry down, that is up in the air. I would rather be with someone who understands me. And understands the woman I am where I want to be. Alot of men can not get that. They want it one way but when your mind is open to all that is possible you can see an array of things that are possible.

[Eclipse]

Originally posted by Shelacious
Depends, primarily on his internal drive. Although I would prefer a guy who had some college (so that he had some critical thinking experience), I think that his motivation and desire play a bigger role. I don't really mind that a guy is a postal carrier (which is what my dad is) with no degree as long as he is the most effecient carrier around, that he has other intellectual pursuits/interests, that he's passionate about the things in which he is involved, and that he has a real desire in helping me (us)achieve my (our) professional, educational and social goals.

If, however, the guy is just barely getting by, hates his job (and has no plans for anything else), doesn't like supporting me in my social (networking) activities, doesn't crack open a book, I wouldn't call that "marrying down"--I'd call that a guy incompatable with my interests and goals. I don't think that education and socio-economic background are the only indicators of whether he'd be a good fit in that area though.

co-sign 100%! It really is about compatability. I can say that marrying people of different educational levels happened in the past as well. Several of my Mom's teacher-friends married men who worked in factories or industrial type jobs and had no education.

I think it also depends on the security of the people involved.
Is she trying to change him and make him into a corporate type (think Franklin's issue with Zora in Dissapearing Acts, although they had other issues as well.) Is she embarrassed of him? Is he jealous of her? Does he always try to show "who wears the pants"? Is he embarrassed/feel inferior because she makes more money?

BTW, a degree does not mean you make more money. I am in HR and my hubby is more technically inclined and while he attended college, he did not finish. He makes about $15k more than me, and probably will even after I get my masters. There was a time that I made more than him, and we were both fine with it.

[TheEpitome1920]

Well Star stated that she would prefer to marry someone in the same socio-economic level because they would have more in common. Is that always the case?

[preciousjeni]

Originally posted by reddawn18
I have dated "down" and it has always been the problem for the guy. He would feel that I am cheating on him if I am at this event or another. Then if I would invite him to the place I am going, later he would say that we are talking about things that he would never talk about. We would be putting on show to isolate him.

I find this more in black men than other races. Why? It has to do with their pride. At least that is what I am told.

Now whether I will date or marry down, that is up in the air. I would rather be with someone who understands me. And understands the woman I am where I want to be. Alot of men can not get that. They want it one way but when your mind is open to all that is possible you can see an array of things that are possible.

Cosign for me

[Honeykiss1974]

Originally posted by Shelacious
Depends, primarily on his internal drive. Although I would prefer a guy who had some college (so that he had some critical thinking experience), I think that his motivation and desire play a bigger role. I don't really mind that a guy is a postal carrier (which is what my dad is) with no degree as long as he is the most effecient carrier around, that he has other intellectual pursuits/interests, that he's passionate about the things in which he is involved, and that he has a real desire in helping me (us)achieve my (our) professional, educational and social goals.

If, however, the guy is just barely getting by, hates his job (and has no plans for anything else), doesn't like supporting me in my social (networking) activities, doesn't crack open a book, I wouldn't call that "marrying down"--I'd call that a guy incompatable with my interests and goals. I don't think that education and socio-economic background are the only indicators of whether he'd be a good fit in that area though.

You have summed up my feelings to a "T".

The irony for me is that I've met someone and compared to him, I think I'm the "down". *lol*

Granted, I'm educated (MBA) have a good job and the like, but this person owns porperty (vineyards), his own business, was a professional baseball players, very intelligent , etc.

Umm, I own 2 pieces of art, my car (and that's in November) and I'm still trying to pay off 40K of student loans.

So maybe "down" is in the eye of the beholder?

[reddawn18]

Maybe its in the mind.

[NinjaPoodle]

Originally posted by msn4med1975
I think there is a problem honestly. If you don't normally run in the same social circles, don't have the same types of aspirations or have the same types of plans for the future that opens up a world of problems for the two of you. Love is a great thing but it can't overcome everything. I say this because money is often a problem for couples in general, add in couples who aren't necessarily ever going to make the same amount of money, and you have a timebomb waiting to go off. On top of the resentment that either one of you may develop towards each other for trying to better yourself or refusing to better yourself. it does work for SOME couples but it seems like one more thing that could cause problems for you.

I agree to this.
I've dated "down" also. The guy works in a trade and makes a-lot-o-cash and that great but money is not the connecting factor to make a relationship work. I thought he was a nice guy and gave him a chance but in the long run we really had nothing in common. We don’t have the same social circle, he gives me attitude when I tell him I'm going to the First Friday's (it's FF's not the millionaires club, geeze... )

In relation to raising kids, we would (and still do) get into it about the hows and what’s of childrearing. My childhood background is such that I would consider it to be, not spoiled but advantaged. I did everything, Girl Scouts, clubs at school, annual trips to the family friend's orchard/ranch/farm in the wine country, summer camp, etc... I want my kid to experience the same thing if not more. He gets pissed off and says that's bourgeoisie. Exposing your kids and yourself to the world is NOT BOURGEOISIE!

Our conversations always ended up being about social status, class structure and me defending why I am the way I am. Talk about politics? He couldn't tell you that Sacramento is the state capitol of Cali. WTF?. He got mad because I volunteered at the Democratic convention...

He would give me grief about school related matters or sorority stuff. These are basic things, I can't imagine talking to him about serious issues.

He had a general attitude against black folks who were moving up and on to bigger and better things and just felt like I was the person to pick on (he seriously picked the wrong sister for that )

ETA:
If two people can put aside the minor differences and work it out, I say more power to them.

[ARTIC-U-LATE]

Hello Ladies. Could the issue or stife be that some women enjoy the status of "documented" men, rather then some who just worked without going to through and completing the process of a formal education. I often find myself in this conversation with friends about whether I would even entertain the notion of dating a woman without "documented" education. As i get older and continue in my pursuits to be a college professor and widely published author- , I would feel uneasy in a relationship where a discussion about our college experience or the trials and error of graduate school is not revisited in the form of personal anecdotes. I guess that my academic pursuits are VERY important to me, I worked entirely too hard not to relish in it and to not have a women who is my EQUAL in every sense of the word.

Please note, this doesn't mean that we were raised in the same situation, but the level of personal rigor placed in creating a comfortable life for myself and my family. Just my thoughts...be easy.

I am looking....any of you ladies single?

[Dionysus]

Originally posted by NinjaPoodle


In relation to raising kids, we would (and still do) get into it about the hows and what’s of childrearing. My childhood background is such that I would consider it to be, not spoiled but advantaged. I did everything, Girl Scouts, clubs at school, annual trips to the family friend's orchard/ranch/farm in the wine country, summer camp, etc... I want my kid to experience the same thing if not more. He gets pissed off and says that's bourgeoisie. Exposing your kids and yourself to the world is NOT BOURGEOISIE!

Our conversations always ended up being about social status, class structure and me defending why I am the way I am. Talk about politics? He couldn't tell you that Sacramento is the state capitol of Cali. WTF?. He got mad because I volunteered at the Democratic convention...

He would give me grief about school related matters or sorority stuff. These are basic things, I can't imagine talking to him about serious issues.

He had a general attitude against black folks who were moving up and on to bigger and better things and just felt like I was the person to pick on (he seriously picked the wrong sister for that )

ETA:
If two people can put aside the minor differences and work it out, I say more power to them.

You two sound JUST LIKE my folks. I think that's the number one reason why me and my dad cannot relate to each other at all. Eventhough he's "moved up" some, he taken his upbringing with him. I sure as hell don't want to repeat this with a guy, by dating/marrying "down" nor "up" (it will suck being the "down" one too). However, if he's adaptable to most environments, I won't mind dating a guy who had a more humble upbringing, as long as he is getting his education. I knew a few guys like that, and liked them. So, I guess it's more about attitude than literal upbringing, like someone said above.

[msn4med1975]

Originally posted by ARTIC-U-LATE
Hello Ladies. Could the issue or stife be that some women enjoy the status of "documented" men, rather then some who just worked without going to through and completing the process of a formal education. I often find myself in this conversation with friends about whether I would even entertain the notion of dating a woman without "documented" education. As i get older and continue in my pursuits to be a college professor and widely published author- , I would feel uneasy in a relationship where a discussion about our college experience or the trials and error of graduate school is not revisited in the form of personal anecdotes. I guess that my academic pursuits are VERY important to me, I worked entirely too hard not to relish in it and to not have a women who is my EQUAL in every sense of the word.

Please note, this doesn't mean that we were raised in the same situation, but the level of personal rigor placed in creating a comfortable life for myself and my family. Just my thoughts...be easy.

I am looking....any of you ladies single?

I'm sure for some women the status of degrees or business owner whatever is required before they'll consider dating someone. I think for me the main thing is sort of what you discussed. I like exchanging freshman blues stories, or when we decided xyz was the org for us (I tend to date Alphas and Omegas so we end up having the discussion eventually, nothing wrong with anyone else I just haven't met anyone in any of the other orgs that made me drool --till the PanHell bowling thing but that's neither here nor here), homecoming, week long spades tournaments, graduation and what not. He doesn't need to have a MA or anything but as most of my friends have at least a BA he'd feel left out (probably) hanging out with us as the majority of us have (or will have soon) MAs, MBAs, JDs, PharmDs and PhDs. And like Ninja there are some things I want my kids to do, not just because I did them but because I think they will be good for them but I am not sure if we are dealing with too many strata over if he's gonna understand any of that. Now having said all of that if the brother is smart, is paying his bills, treats me well, and we share similar values and goals we can work it out no matter his education status. Besides since I firmly believe in your money, our money and my money as long as got enough in our money to pay the bills and take care of the kids I'm happy. Happily single cause I'm not trying to drag a man around (ie have him follow me around the country) till I get settle after internship and in my first teaching position as Dr. MSN in August of 2005.