Was I wrong?

LADY_1908 · #1 03-12-2005, 10:31 PM

I have a co-worker who's daughter will be entering her Junior year of High School in September. The other day there was some discussion about tuition costs..yadda, yadda

So when I have a chance to talk with her privately, I inform her about various internships and opportunities (I forgot to add that she almost paid someone $1,500 to "research" scholarships for her).

Anyway, ole girl flips when I mention schools that aren't in the Philadelphia area. She says that she "would die" before she ever let her daughter go away to college. I'm like WTH?

I told her that I could not believe that she would limit her daughter's future like that.

Was I wrong...did I "cross the line"?

laidbackfella · #2 03-12-2005, 10:34 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by LADY_1908

Was I wrong...did I "cross the line"?

It's not what you say but how you say it.

Perhaps you could have simply asked her, "what is the academic benefit of her daughter staying close to home versus seeking out some of the top schools in her field around the US?"

How did she respond when you asked how you asked?

LADY_1908 · #3 03-12-2005, 10:42 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by laidbackfella
It's not what you say but how you say it.

Wait were you listening in?...LOL

I was a bit "animated" when I said it because I could not believe she would say something like that. She is from a South American country and always talks about how she wants all these opportunities for her daughter and how she wants her daughter to have more than her. (She did not speak English when she came here and is taking classes now towards an Associates degree)

laidbackfella · #4 03-12-2005, 10:54 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by LADY_1908
Wait were you listening in?...LOL

Yup, that's why I made that statement.

You posted:

Quote:

Originally posted by LADY_1908
I told her that I could not believe that she would limit her daughter's future like that.

I believe that crossed the line.

But you didn't give any other information as to the course of the conversation after that.

I then posed what I would have asked.

So tell us.

How did the conversation proceed from that point?

LADY_1908 · #5 03-12-2005, 11:04 PM

She thanked me for letting her know that she should not have to pay anyone for scholarship information and said that she would NOT ALLOW her daughter to go away for school.

Now we work and live about 40 minutes away from Philadelphia and I mentioned to her that UPenn has opportunities (internships and scholarships)....she said that she would have to think very long and hard about letting her daughter go "that far". She followed up by asking "what kind of school is UPenn and is that a good school".

At that statement, I told her I had to get back to work and to let me know if she needed help to look up scholarship opportunities.

laidbackfella · #6 03-12-2005, 11:28 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by LADY_1908
She thanked me for letting her know that she should not have to pay anyone for scholarship information and said that she would NOT ALLOW her daughter to go away for school.

Now we work and live about 40 minutes away from Philadelphia and I mentioned to her that UPenn has opportunities (internships and scholarships)....she said that she would have to think very long and hard about letting her daughter go "that far". She followed up by asking "what kind of school is UPenn and is that a good school".

At that statement, I told her I had to get back to work and to let me know if she needed help to look up scholarship opportunities.

Hmmm

I would have asked for a portion of that $1500.00 for the information provided.

honeychile · #7 03-12-2005, 11:42 PM

It sounds to me that this woman is dependent on her daughter for translation purposes of a sort.

FWIW, I was 16 when I graduated from high school, and had more than a handful of scholarships offered - many of them out of state. My parents felt that I was not mature enough to live out of state on my own, and frankly, they were right. They insisted that I live at home my freshman year, with the idea that I would transfer to another school afterwards.

While I balked at the idea initially, I came to realize that they knew me better than I did at the time, and that it was a more than fair idea. It still seems like a worthwhile compromise to me, all these years later!

Jody · #8 03-13-2005, 12:42 AM

Alot of South American families don't believe in their children moving from home until they marry. One of my co-workers is from Chile and she told me her dentist who's probably in his late 20's and could afford to somewhere, still lives with his family.

She explained to me in their culture, family is very important and it often manifests itself in children staying with their parents until they marry.

Munchkin03 · #9 03-13-2005, 01:11 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by honeychile
FWIW, I was 16 when I graduated from high school, and had more than a handful of scholarships offered - many of them out of state. My parents felt that I was not mature enough to live out of state on my own, and frankly, they were right. They insisted that I live at home my freshman year, with the idea that I would transfer to another school afterwards.

I wish more parents had the foresight your parents did! Some kids really don't need to go away for college.

I work with freshmen, and one case in particular is causing all of us to pull our hair out. This could be a thread in and of itself, but basically we have a very immature 17-year old and an unhinged mother who are making all of our lives miserable! The mother has a hard time accepting that although she doesn't treat her daughter as one, the rest of the kids in the building are adults, and can do whatever they want. She's told several of them that they were godless and were "going to hell" for listening to rock music, she sends "anonymous" emails to the staff complaining about specific residents (little does she know her emails can be traced, even if she uses Hotmail or Yahoo!). The little girl is clearly not ready to be in college, especially one that's not very close to home and notorious for being super-liberal, and her mother isn't ready for her daughter to be an adult among adults.

Maybe your coworker's daughter isn't mature enough for college, and she's not ready to treat her daughter like an adult. In that case, they're doing themselves and a lot of other people a huge favor by making her stay home for another year or two!

LADY_1908 · #10 03-13-2005, 04:37 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Jody
Alot of South American families don't believe in their children moving from home until they marry.

She explained to me in their culture, family is very important and it often manifests itself in children staying with their parents until they marry.

Thanks for sharing. I guess in my thinking she was small minded, I was the one not thinking.

SummerChild · #11 03-14-2005, 12:16 AM

Soror, I don't think that you were wrong for advising her that it could be limiting. Perhaps there was a gentler way of doing so but whatever.

Perhaps you should also explain that college is about more than what you learn in a textbook. It's also about learning how to stand on your own two feet out of the shadow of your parents and that is a skill that is invaluable and one that many people who go to school around the corner from their parents never get. they end up moving back home after college or being afraid to venture out into the world many times limiting themselves to jobs and opportunities around the corner from the only backyard that they have ever known.

SC

Quote:

Originally posted by LADY_1908
I have a co-worker who's daughter will be entering her Junior year of High School in September. The other day there was some discussion about tuition costs..yadda, yadda

So when I have a chance to talk with her privately, I inform her about various internships and opportunities (I forgot to add that she almost paid someone $1,500 to "research" scholarships for her).

Anyway, ole girl flips when I mention schools that aren't in the Philadelphia area. She says that she "would die" before she ever let her daughter go away to college. I'm like WTH?

I told her that I could not believe that she would limit her daughter's future like that.

Was I wrong...did I "cross the line"?

Jody · #12 03-14-2005, 12:16 AM

You're a Soror, you're always thinking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Think of it as a cultural exchange! If that was the reason she gave (she wants to continue living with her daughter) maybe you can help her, help her daughter by researching employment opportunities for the Mom (if you feel like working that hard!)

If the schools are geographically not that far, it may be as simple as moving 20 minutes one way so they can continue to live together and have separate commutes.

SummerChild · #13 03-14-2005, 12:20 AM

Soror, based on the fact that you said that this women is asking if UPenn is a good school, which should be clear if one is knowledgeable about colleges and universities and the varied calibers of such, and that she came from another country, I would say that she probably really needs your help in helping her to become less ignorant of the various opportunities for her daughter. Please don't give up on her. Everyone doesn't have the benefit of having information that we often think should be known.

Perhaps you can also let her daughter know (if it's ok with the mother) of various schools. She can surf the web to find out further information - she can get on the web at the library for free if she doesn't have a home computer or one at school.

SC

Quote:

Originally posted by LADY_1908
She thanked me for letting her know that she should not have to pay anyone for scholarship information and said that she would NOT ALLOW her daughter to go away for school.

Now we work and live about 40 minutes away from Philadelphia and I mentioned to her that UPenn has opportunities (internships and scholarships)....she said that she would have to think very long and hard about letting her daughter go "that far". She followed up by asking "what kind of school is UPenn and is that a good school".

At that statement, I told her I had to get back to work and to let me know if she needed help to look up scholarship opportunities.

SummerChild · #14 03-14-2005, 12:24 AM

Munchkin, in college, many people "stretch their legs" and find themselves so to speak. What's so wrong with this 17 year old telling people that they are going to hell? That is her opinion and she has a right to it (and to be herself and tell others of her opinions) just like all of the rest of it did when we were 17 or 18 and freshmen in college. I don't think that her obnoxious behavior means that she isn't suited for college away from home. Just b/c the college is liberal does not mean that she can't be her conservative self and damn others if she wants to. I don't see the big deal besides the fact that she's a little obnoxious. I think that we all changed somewhat from what we were when we were freshmen in college.

Quote:

Originally posted by Munchkin03
I wish more parents had the foresight your parents did! Some kids really don't need to go away for college.

I work with freshmen, and one case in particular is causing all of us to pull our hair out. This could be a thread in and of itself, but basically we have a very immature 17-year old and an unhinged mother who are making all of our lives miserable! The mother has a hard time accepting that although she doesn't treat her daughter as one, the rest of the kids in the building are adults, and can do whatever they want. She's told several of them that they were godless and were "going to hell" for listening to rock music, she sends "anonymous" emails to the staff complaining about specific residents (little does she know her emails can be traced, even if she uses Hotmail or Yahoo!). The little girl is clearly not ready to be in college, especially one that's not very close to home and notorious for being super-liberal, and her mother isn't ready for her daughter to be an adult among adults.

Maybe your coworker's daughter isn't mature enough for college, and she's not ready to treat her daughter like an adult. In that case, they're doing themselves and a lot of other people a huge favor by making her stay home for another year or two!

Peaches-n-Cream · #15 03-14-2005, 01:02 AM

I think that you should refer her to different low cost or free websites that are designed to help students in the college application process such as U.S. News & World Report. She can also investigate individual college websites for information.

This high school student is only a sophomore now which means that she is only 15 or 16. It must be overwhelming and upsetting thinking of her little girl going away to college especially if the college is far away. In a year and a half, the mother might feel differently.

I think that you can approach this from a perspective of "I went to XYZ College and this is what the experience has meant to me." It might enlighten her to the educational opportunities out there for her daughter.