Cheating husband......

[adpialumcsuc]

Ok so last night I received a call from my Best Friend and she was hysterical. She had just found out that her husband had been cheating on her. She was asking me for some advice but I honestly don't know what to tell her besides just being supportive of her decision. I know there have been many threads about what is considered cheating but I thought I would throw this question out there.

Here is the scenerio. They have been together for 8 years married for 2. This past year her brother moved in with them and things became tense. After a year her brother finally left (after lots of pushing and help from others). During that year things were not perfect but not terrible but the sex was not really there either. She found a text message on his cell phone about having kids with another woman. She confronted him and he he denied everything. Said that they were just friends and she helping him with marital advice. About a week later he left his e-mail open on their computer and she found a letter from him to his Best Friend about the affair that he had been having for a while. She printed it out and confronted him with it. Of course he couldn't deny it anymore because she had it in his words. Come to find out this other woman was someone that they had both been friends with and they had even had over for Thanksgiving and Christmas because she had gone through a nasty divorce where her husband cheated on her. (HUMMMMMMM)

She is at a loss as to what to do. They (she) wants to try and work it out but she doesn't know if she will ever get over the thought of this other woman. I keep trying to put myself in her shoes and think what I would do but I am torn. I would like to say I would kick him to the curb but I also would have a hard time throwing away an 8 year relationship.

She is trying to blame herself (like everyone does) and I am having a hard time explaining to her that this is absolutely not her fault, without making it sound like she should leave him (unless that is what she wants to do).

She has been my best friend for about 10 years and I have know her husband longer than I have known my own.

Any words of Wisdom? I want to be supportive for her but I am so shocked that all I can say is "Oh my Gosh"
Should she stay and try to make it work or is that not possible?
Can she ever trust him again?

[_Lisa_]

Originally posted by adpialumcsuc
Should she stay and try to make it work or is that not possible?
Can she ever trust him again?

I can totally understand how much you want to help your friend here but those questions are only ones that she can answer.

If she decides to stay w/ him & work it out I would definitely insist on couples therapy for the both of them. My mouth wants to say "once a cheater always a cheater" but logic tells me that he can change if he wants to change.

I'd also venture to say that it probably depends on what kind of person she is. When I love someone I give them everything-my mind, my heart, my soul & even material possessions if they want them! So when someone hurts me or breaks my heart I cut them off completely. Once I have been betrayed there is no going back.

[Xylochick216]

It's such a horrible position to be put in All I can say is be there for her when she needs to talk. Don't openly bash her husband, even though what he did is unforgivable. She's thinking those exact things and doesn't need to hear them from others. With that said, don't say anything to make her feel like what she is feeling is wrong. Let her talk to you and vent. Look up some marriage counselors in the area and help her find one.

[Peaches-n-Cream]

I agree with Xylochick216. If she were my friend, I would sympathize but not offer advice. Maybe they will work things out and stay together. If you say anything negative about him, she will remember it long after this situation is resolved.

[PlymouthDZ]

Originally posted by Peaches-n-Cream
I agree with Xylochick216. If she were my friend, I would sympathize but not offer advice. Maybe they will work things out and stay together. If you say anything negative about him, she will remember it long after this situation is resolved.

Co-Sign a hundred times. Its really HER battle.. but you can be a best friend by listening and supporting her choices, even if you don't whole heartedly agree with them.

[sageofages]

Originally posted by adpialumcsuc
Ok so last night I received a call from my Best Friend and she was hysterical. She had just found out that her husband had been cheating on her. She was asking me for some advice but I honestly don't know what to tell her besides just being supportive of her decision. I know there have been many threads about what is considered cheating but I thought I would throw this question out there.

Here is the scenerio. They have been together for 8 years married for 2. This past year her brother moved in with them and things became tense. After a year her brother finally left (after lots of pushing and help from others). During that year things were not perfect but not terrible but the sex was not really there either. She found a text message on his cell phone about having kids with another woman. She confronted him and he he denied everything. Said that they were just friends and she helping him with marital advice. About a week later he left his e-mail open on their computer and she found a letter from him to his Best Friend about the affair that he had been having for a while. She printed it out and confronted him with it. Of course he couldn't deny it anymore because she had it in his words. Come to find out this other woman was someone that they had both been friends with and they had even had over for Thanksgiving and Christmas because she had gone through a nasty divorce where her husband cheated on her. (HUMMMMMMM)

She is at a loss as to what to do. They (she) wants to try and work it out but she doesn't know if she will ever get over the thought of this other woman. I keep trying to put myself in her shoes and think what I would do but I am torn. I would like to say I would kick him to the curb but I also would have a hard time throwing away an 8 year relationship.

She is trying to blame herself (like everyone does) and I am having a hard time explaining to her that this is absolutely not her fault, without making it sound like she should leave him (unless that is what she wants to do).

She has been my best friend for about 10 years and I have know her husband longer than I have known my own.

Any words of Wisdom? I want to be supportive for her but I am so shocked that all I can say is "Oh my Gosh"
Should she stay and try to make it work or is that not possible?
Can she ever trust him again?

Ok...

my honest first thought was "this guy *wanted* to get caught".
Who walks away and leaves their incriminating emails open where they can "accidentally" be found?

When you add other adults into the mix, a relationship can be come so fragile.

What they need IMMEDIATELY is couples counseling to understand *why* the cheating occurred, whether they are *BOTH* committed to the marriage, and how to repair the trust levels that have been broken. It is not something that can be done "do it yourself" very easily.

[adpialumcsuc]

Thanks guys!!
I would never say anything bad about him. He truely is a good guy, he just did something that I can't even phathom.
I have talked to her about counseling. He is hesitant because he doesn't want anyone to know. I had suggested that she might want to go to counseling by herself and that maybe after a while he might warm up to the idea. Was that wrong of me to say?

[Xylochick216]

I think that's good advice. You can't force him into counseling.

Another thing I thought of: Say they have counseling and things are looking better and they decide to stay together. Make sure you don't judge her because of that. It may not be what you would have done, but it's her choice (I'm not saying you would, just throwing the advice out there ). Good luck!

[_Lisa_]

Originally posted by adpialumcsuc
Thanks guys!!
I would never say anything bad about him. He truely is a good guy, he just did something that I can't even phathom.
I have talked to her about counseling. He is hesitant because he doesn't want anyone to know. I had suggested that she might want to go to counseling by herself and that maybe after a while he might warm up to the idea. Was that wrong of me to say?

If he didn't want anyone to know why was he cheating in the first place? Someone else obviously knows that he was cheating-the girl he was with!

If he is refusing counseling he most likely isn't comitted to her or the marriage. And if I'm wrong & he is committed he doesn't sound like he is willing to change.

[cuaphi]

Originally posted by sageofages
Ok...

my honest first thought was "this guy *wanted* to get caught".
Who walks away and leaves their incriminating emails open where they can "accidentally" be found?

When you add other adults into the mix, a relationship can be come so fragile.

What they need IMMEDIATELY is couples counseling to understand *why* the cheating occurred, whether they are *BOTH* committed to the marriage, and how to repair the trust levels that have been broken. It is not something that can be done "do it yourself" very easily.

Co-sign. That jumped out like a huge red flag.

He either wants out or wants some changes through lots of talk or counseling.

I agree with what everyone else has said, all you can do is listen and be supportive. Just let her know that you're there no matter what. You didn't say anything wrong, I think you offered sound advice however offering advice of any sort is a dangerous proposition right now. I don't know why anyone would have to know about the counseling. It almost sounds like an excuse. Hopefully they can work through this though.

[AXOjen]

Originally posted by crzychx
If he didn't want anyone to know why was he cheating in the first place?

Rarely is it as simplistic as that. Although I don't think not-wanting-anyone-to-know is a good reason to avoid counseling. The counselor won't tell anyone.

What he probably means is that he doesn't want to admit to another person that he has done this thing. But I agree with others that good counseling could be what helps them keep their marriage together.

I don't know if you said... but are there children involved?

[adpialumcsuc]

No Thankfully there are no children involved.

[James]

adpialumcsuc,

Well i don't know. I am just a boy, but . . .

I am assuming the back story you gave about her Brother moving in is relevant.

I am also assuming that her brother moving in as a permanent house guest for a year was something the husband hated, no matter how nice a face he put it on.

I wager its also something that he was extremely unhappy about and it created an enormous tension in his mind towards her. Its her brother after all not his.

So out of a two year marriage, she willfully created a situation to make him truly unhappy both with his life and her in general.

The only other thing I would wonder is why they got married. Generally, after that amount of time (6 bloody years) a guy isn't going to marry you becaue he adores you, he is going to marry you to keep from losing you.

Thats a crucial difference, one that works on the male psyche in a way women often don't appreciate.

So if he felt pressured to marry her, as guys often do, and then she sprang that idiocy on him ruining a full 50 percent of the time they were married . . . .

Well its small wonder that he hates her a little and feels resentful.

I do agree in a technical and idealisitc way that he should have left her instead of cheating, people do tend to be weak, and cheating is easier.

Also silly men can be just as reluctant to throw away an 8 year investment of time and familiarity.

It really sounds like their relationship lasted much longer than it should have, It outlived its passion and fell into the kind of comfortable famialirity that is the most many people will ever have to aspire towards.

Sad.

She should divorce him and move on, but I can't see that happening without a both a lot more pain and reciminations, as well as many more heart renfind phone calls you will have to listen to as a friend.


Also, has couples counseling become the catch all advice everyone gives their friends when they are afraid to commit to an opinion?

I am minded of the scene in the movie "old School" about that.

[AXOjen]

Originally posted by James

Also, has couples counseling become the catch all advice everyone gives their friends when they are afraid to commit to an opinion?

Perhaps those who advise couples counseling have been in it themselves or know a couple who has... to the greater good of their marriage.

Trust me... I'm not afraid to commit to an opinion.

But I know that it can benefit a couple in situations just like this... if they are both interested in saving the marriage and if they have a skilled counselor.

[Optimist Prime]

she needs to dump that zero and get a hero ....just like on South Partk making fun of talk shows