Thoughts about leaving

[DeltaBetaBaby]

I am starting this thread so that younger posters on here might realize that becoming a bit frustrated with your group doesn't mean that you should give it up.

I would be willing to bet that at least 90% of us have had thoughts about leaving our organizations at one point or another. I considered it more than once, but I now know if I had, it would have been a huge mistake, and I would really regret it.

So veterans, please share: What made you think that you were at the breaking point? What got you through the bad times? What do you know now that you wish you had known then?

I almost left when I was president. I couldn't handle all the stress of having no privacy and constantly being dragged into house crap when I needed to study or relax.

Why did I stay? I realized that my best friends were (and still are!) Phi Mus and I could not turn my back on something that had given me so much. I also realized that there were women who supported me through everything, and to leave Phi Mu would be totally unfair to them.

If I could do it all over again, I probably would have stepped down as president. There were other things in my life that I needed to be focusing on at the time, and what I thought were Phi Mu-related problems were really just distractions that were keeping me too busy to deal with the heavy stuff.

[AXOjen]

Great question! My breaking point came in my 3rd year when my boyfriend (now husband) had gone out of state to grad school and I was spending every Tuesday night in lengthy chapter discussions over what should the party favor be... t-shirts? Sweatshirts? Jackets? Should they be green? Red? Green for the actives and red for the pledges? Should they have our letters or spell out our name? Should actives have the letters on a red t-shirt and the pledges spell out our name on green t-shirts? This seemed to go on for hours with some girls getting very worked up about the issue.

I was privately grieving the loss of my boyfriend, the stresses of my classes and conflicts within my family. Sorority life started to seem petty and ridiculous. I began withdrawing... leaving meetings as soon as they were over... skipping parties with fraternities, etc... I decided that I didn't want to have to pay dues to a group that was making me bonkers. A few months later I left school all together and got married a few months after that.

I don't regret leaving school or getting married, but I wish I had approached my sorority concerns differently. There was much more to my group than party favor debates. I should have let my friends know what I was going through. I thought they were too busy with their own lives to be concerned about mine... but that was not fair to them. They had been there for me before and I there for them... but this time I withdrew.

I should have used my time apart from my boyfriend to get more involved in my sorority, not less. It could have been a good distraction and brought me closer to my sisters. It sure would have beat sitting at home writing long, boring letters to him. (This was in the days before the Internet!)

[mmcline]

Some of you might remember when I actually did leave my sorority.

My chapter was very small around 10 girls. I was Vice President and Panhellnic Recruitement chair. I was beyond stressed not only with Greek/Sorority life but personal things as well. My chapter allowed me to take 2 weeks off, where I was excused from every meeting and everything else. I knew my sisters cared, everyone was worried about me. I shared a suite with a sorority sister but I was withdrawing, not speaking to anyone but my bf.

Finally, I decided that it was not fair to put my sisters through this. They needed me and emotionally and physically I was not there for them or for myself. I wrote a letter and depinned March 2003. I had one or 2 sisters extremely mad at me, but the rest supported me. My big had graduated but she still told everyone I was her little.

Anyways, I ended up leaving that school, May of 2003. I slowly began to turn my life around and realize what I had done and what was missing. I was still in contact with my sisters/chapter even though I had depinned. This summer I was talking to my lil and realized how much I missed my sorority. The thing that got me was I was looking at my chapter's new website and under my lil's information it said "Big Sister- N/A", I was heartbroken.

I went through the process of getting my membership reinstated. And I am proud to say, a few weeks ago, my Alpha Sigma Tau membership was reinstated. I am proud to be an AST sister again.

I know going through all this has made me stronger and appericiate my sorority more. If I could go back, I would have declined the panhellnic recruitement postion, and I would have asked for help inside my sorority. I have learned in order to not get stressed out and to in the long run help myself, its ok to ask for help sometimes. You can't do everything.

So as u can see, I have been there, I did depin but I am now a sister again. So if anyone ever needs to talk, please PM me, since I have been through it all.

[aephi alum]

There are four occasions I can put my finger on where I just wanted to walk away.

The first two were formal rush during my sophomore and junior years. Both years, we had the Tyrant Bitch Queen of Rush running things (which I guess you need during rush, but still... argh!) I felt like I was going above and beyond while some other sisters weren't pulling their weight, and it was infuriating. (During my senior year, I was a rho chi. Also stressful, but a different type of stress.)

During my junior year, I went through a bad breakup and really felt that some of my sisters weren't there for me.

Then, I came back as an alum to help out with rush, and the chapter president was very rude to me. I swore at that time that I would never have anything to do with my chapter or AEPhi again.

It was only recently (actually, a result of my having found Greekchat! ) that I came to realize that it was silly to write off 50,000+ sisters because of something one sister did years ago, and I have slowly started doing things on the alum level and reconnecting with my chapter.

[winneythepooh7]

What a great thread! I became frustrated with a lot of the pettiness that went on in my chapter with some of the younger girls. It was sad to see at times that not everyone got along even though they "were sisters" and I would find myself regretting getting involved. I realized though that we are not going to get along with everyone at all times and this is just a life lesson. There are sisters who will love you no matter what and sisters no matter what you do, you just don't have anything in common and you are not going to get along. THIS IS OKAY!!!!! It's not a reason to drop the sorority. I get sad sometimes too because some sisters I was extremely close with I never hear from at all anymore due to changes I guess in our life circumstances, and I never thought as an undergrad that it would be like that either. But again, I've learned this is life circumstances and nothing to do with the sorority. I am glad that I didn't give up DPhiE after college because I feel that I am becoming more actively involved now as an alumna. It is so hard to make friends-especially FEMALE friends-after college and in a new city and I have gotten to meet a lot of great women by keeping involved in the sorority. It is so great to go back too and have girls that are 10 years younger then me who I have never met know who I am. I remember a couple of years ago I had a random person pop up on AOL instant message. She said "Hi Winney the Pooh". It was an undergrad who had gotten my screen name and added me to her buddy list. It is the little things like this that make me glad I haven't turned my back on my organization. To all of the girls who are considering dropping out, I encourage you to take a step back if it gets tough. The bad times will blow over and you will always have fond memories to look back on. If not, try to keep in mind that there are so many women out there who have had negative experiences as undergrads but get back involved as alumnae and are so proud that they did. Everyone I think goes through these feelings at one point or another in their sorority experience. Like anything else in life, chapters and their members are NOT perfect and everyday is a learning experience. I am looking forward to hearing what others have to say about this topic

[adpiucf]

I think we tend to get caught up in a lot of petty girlish nonsense that really has no bearing on the real world. Like who we should choose as our partners for homecoming, our date for formal, another sister dating your crush, etc... I think it is important to take a step back when these things happen and remember that while belonging to a sorority creates a sense of this "home away from home," you are going to be close friends with a small percentage of your chapter--- every "Sister" shares similiar values (that is why they chose to join and were invited to become a member), but they don't owe you undying loyalty and friendship. I know-- that sounds like blasphemy! But I can remember my junior year. I was working full time, interning, classes, etc... and I couldn't come out to a lot of sorority stuff. And you know what? I was MAD at my sorority. Mad that people weren't calling me, inviting me to things, or wanting to hang out, etc... what I neglected to realize was that my close friends were there to support me and be with me and it was MY OWN DAMN FAULT FOR BEING INACCESSIBLE TO THE SORORITY AND NOT COMMUNICATING THAT I WAS GOING THROUGH A ROUGH TIME. How could I expect 180 sisters (about 165 or so were more friendly acquaintances than best friends forever) to know that I was stressed out and feeling neglected?

I look back and remember-- getting into a really bad car accident and getting cards and flowers and gifts from sisters --- breaking up with a bf and having sisters hold and hug me and write me little notes -- hanging out at fraternity houses with sisters -- exercising with sisters -- living in the house -- going to class together --- going shopping together... etc.

I think we get resentful when we stop making an effort and don't communicate our stress or stop coming around... and expect the rest of the world to stop and notice we're sad or angry. The sorority doesn't owe you that-- we share membership in an organization-- not an obligation to stop our lives and bang down the door of someone who has turned into a sour, reclusive and unfriendly person.

However, sometimes, I DO think that if you're "over it" and you've tried to make an effort, it IS best to walk away. I don't see a point in making yourself miserable in anticipation of some future payoff. If you aren't making good friends and enjoying the experience the majority of the time, and it is interfering with your school, work and life, than yes, it's probably a good time to have a heart to heart with yourself about what makes you happy and what you can do to improve your situation. But I wouldn't bolt and run away at the first sign of trouble.

Being in a sorority is like being in any relationship--- relationships take work by both parties... so if times get tough and you don't communicate that and your feelings to the sorority.... how is anyone supposed to be there for you?

ETA: I think a lot of GLO's are recognizing that upperclassmen have different needs and are experimenting with programs to integrate these women back into the chapter and into alumnae opportunities, in order to feed their interests and serve their needs.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Thanks for the great posts, ladies!

[honeychile]

I actually went through it twice. The first time was my sophmore year, and I realized that most of my close friends had graduated! During rush, a fantastic PNM made the mistake of using "the F word", and half of the chapter hated her, the other half + one (including me, for those who think I'm super-puritanical) loved her. We pledged her - but the split it made in our chapter was not worth it! By the time she depledged, half of the chapter had gone inactive, and it was like a war zone - we went from being the second largest on campus to one of the small groups. During that time, I was hospitalized for something very serious, and had to drop out of school for a year. I came thisclose to not coming back at all...

By my senior year, I was dating a GDI who hated the whole concept of sorority, and my time commitment to it. Rather than endure questions, I went in & out the back door for an entire year - but still did all that I needed to do as a sister. Ironically, that was the term I was awarded "Sister of the Year"!

In the long run, I think that junior- or senioritis, the worries about the future, etc cause a lot of sisters to cancel their membership who later wish they hadn't. I think mmcline's story is one of great importance, and hope that it inspires a lot of people who have considered cancelling their membership to weigh their decision very carefully.

[winneythepooh7]

I hear a lot of stories of sisters leaving who do not give into peer pressure or negativity by dominant members of the group. I think this is a major reason people choose to leave their GLO. Has anyone faced this situation in their past and overcome it and how did you do this?

[adpiucf]

Being a traditonal age college student is a very impressionable time, and I think, despite being taught a good set of values and having a strong sense of self, any well-socialized person is going to fall victim to group will at some point, and especially through the college years (when you are faced with important personal decisions).

Personally, I believe if your membership in any organization becomes a steady drain on you, then you are healthier as a person to cut ties with that negative influence. Life is too short. I think that if a challenge arises and you become unhappy, you should address the problem and attempt to fix it... but if that doesn't work, you owe it to your own continued personal happiness to leave. I don't feel that sorority membership is worthy of martyrdom. There are those who disagree with me on this one, and I respect that, but my goal as a collegian was to do well in school and enjoy my college experience.

I would equate staying in a toxic situation as just as much your fault for supporting and aiding as a co-dependent. If you were in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic boyfriend, and you'd made every effort to help him with no tangible results and he just continued with his toxic ways, then you would be helping him and yourself to leave until he woke up to his ways and got help.

Bottom line: if you're unhappy, you need to work out the problem to be happy again. And if an organization is doing things in such a way to alienate the majority of its contributors and members, enough people leaving will serve a red flag and wake-up call that something is not right.

ETA: Sometimes you join a club, a sorority, a religious place of worship, take a class, take a job, etc... that you think is right for you. Sometimes, it doesn't work out and you leave it behind, wiser and knowing better what you do want. I don't see any shame in that. Sometimes, it really is not the right fit, and you're better off going your separate ways after really doing a lot of introspection and involvement and communicating to work through it. I know I am very passionate on this topic, and it is more to do with my last job than anything else. I was there for 2 years, and it was not a good fit for me ... I feel like I did everything I could to assess the situation and stay with it, stick it out... but in the end, leaving was the right thing to do. So while I advocate doing your best to work things out when you're unhappy and not run away from a problem, you do also have to realize when the right thing to do is to ask yourself, "What makes me happy?" And if that means that your current unhappiness is temporary, you will weather through the storm. But above all, you must be true to yourself!

[opaldragon]

I know that you asked for veterans to respond to this and I'm still a collegiate, but I figure I can share a little insight.
For a time, I seriously considered giving up my badge and membership. Things were going rough in the chapter and I didn't think that the stress it was causing me was worth it. There were a few reasons I didn't. One, I really respected one of the incoming exec-board members and I truly thought she could make a difference. To date, she really has. She helped me to stick around, and I think I might've done the same for her because I truly did and still do believe in her capabilities. Two, I knew that if I left, things wouldn't change in the way I wanted them to. If I left, things would remain the same and I didn't want to be on the outskirts of the chapter watching it stay stagnant. I needed to be there to make that change occur. Not to say that I'm some sort of miracle worker but I believe so long as you put a serious effort into something, you can change it. Three, I strongly believed in the vows I took when I was initiated, when I went through that ritual. Those words, those core values, mean a hell of a lot more to me than the petty crap that goes on between 18yr olds. Along with that, I believe in keeping your word. When I joined, I was fully aware that I had given my word to this organization, to those core values, to be a member and do all that I could as a member to help the organization prosper. And I do not go back on my word.
So there's a little bit from a collegiate who almost left but didn't.

[Tom Earp]

opaldragon, the new advisor of UNLV LXA is one of my Chapter Brothers! It seems, that he has made a difference there and I hope for the better.

While I have not gone through this syndrome as an Active having founded the local, I have gone through this as an Alum who is heavily envolved, still.

Frustration sets in and one gets tired of some of the petty s++t of the humdrum. But, if it is not for the few, then We have nothing.

It can relate on both sides of being an Active and an Alum.

When I get fed up and say I am done with this, one of my Brothers say Hey Bro. With out you we would not be here and You are needed.

As Brother Rams says, it is the 80-20, 20 % do and the other 80 % just ride along.

[KSUViolet06]

I'm fairly new to my sorority, but I did (gasp!) think about depledging.

About 3 weeks in to my NM preiod, I was getting quite stressed. I'd wanted to be greek and I finally was, but I was SOO stressed.

I joined in March of this year as a sophomore. I already was busy with midterms, keeping a Dean's List GPA, going to local high schools everyday for my major, and Kappa Phi activities.

I joined Sigma and all of the sudden, I had composite pics, Derby Day's, chapter meetings, study hours, COB's, sisterhoods, etc.- ALL these things just sorta hit me. Don't get me wrong- they were very fun, I just wasn't really used to having so much to do along with school and other things.

So after Kappa Phi chapter meeting one night, I cried to one of my closest KP sisters and my KP big b/c I was just so overwhelmed. Big told me to depledge and that was exactly what I thought would be best.

I went home and and thought about my Arc Degree- Sigma's pledging ceremony- and the vows I took, and made up my mind that I wasn't going anywhere


So to ALL GC New Members: You will get stressed out. It will seem like alot to have 16 credit hours, soccer practice, plus chapter meeting, dinner, date party, ice cream socal, and big/lil in the same week- but remember why you rushed in the first place and how much you wanted to be Greek, and it will all work out.

[Tom Earp]

Ah, explained a lot right ther J!

First Time Frosh, away from home, good in H S and off to College to find, damn, it is tuff. Not Mom and Dad to push you to do good. You are on your own.

But, the one thing going for each New Greek Individual, is someone in Your Chapter to sit and just talk with! Let your feelings out and ask for help.

It does get easier! It does get better! A plus is, You will Grow as an Individual from Experience!

[Munchkin03]

Originally posted by adpiucf
Personally, I believe if your membership in any organization becomes a steady drain on you, then you are healthier as a person to cut ties with that negative influence. Life is too short. I think that if a challenge arises and you become unhappy, you should address the problem and attempt to fix it... but if that doesn't work, you owe it to your own continued personal happiness to leave. I don't feel that sorority membership is worthy of martyrdom. There are those who disagree with me on this one, and I respect that, but my goal as a collegian was to do well in school and enjoy my college experience.

I completely agree with you.

I actually went inactive for a semester during my sophomore year, as a result of a compromise between myself and our national advisory board. If I had had my way, I would have just turned in my pin. Being in the chapter made me very unhappy, and it wasn't as if my best friends were in the house with me. There was so mucn negativity and pettiness, and I felt as if it was better for me to be away for a semester.

When I came back in January, I felt much better about being in the house. It wasn't the thing that made or broke my college experience, as I've only maintained connections with 3-4 people from the sorority.