Men and Women jokes.

[James]

Men and Women Compared:

Nicknames

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

Eating Out

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in a $20,even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
Money

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
Bathrooms

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Arguments

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Future

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Dressing Up

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Children:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

[James]

A little turn-about:

Women think they already know everything . . .
But training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
Parties: Going Without New Outfits
Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
Introduction to Parking
Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
Water Retention: Fact or Fat
Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
TV Remotes: For Men Only

[James]

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To women everywhere from a man who's had enough . . .
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's down, put it up.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
Check your oil.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.