How do we Know our relationship is bad, good or great?

[James]

This is kind of a hypothetical and rambling. . .

But how do we know how good our relationships really are?

If you shovel shit for a living making 5 dollars an hour . . . A job at Mcdonalds is a step up.

Standards are about comparisons. Most people don't date that much at all before getting married, especially those that marry young. How can they know they are getting the best possible relationship? Or just the best of a limited field?

Ever talk to one of your friends that has had only one or two sexual partners, and they talk about how good that partner is . . . and mentally you have to be thinking . . what the hell do they know? Speaking personally, there are girls where fire literally shoots out of their ass. . . and others with the sexual posturing of a dead fish.

Experience and variety give the reference points we need to judge the quality of our life and our relationships . . what happens when we have neither much experience or variety?

Are we doomed to potential mediocrity becuse we don't know better? And worse, might later realize what we have doomed ourselves to? You only get one turn on the wheel.

I can honestly say that having dated a lot, extreme dating, has given me a much more mature grasp of what I want and what constitutes a "good" relationship.

That is something I would not have had simply from getting older, it took the experience of actually changing partners to do it

So what standards do we use to judge our relationships?

And for those of us with more experience . . are we obligated to share with our friends how much they are limiting themselves? Or how little they know, or realize that they know?

Chew on that for a while

[AchtungBaby80]

Originally posted by James
And for those of us with more experience . . are we obligated to share with our friends how much they are limiting themselves? Or how little they know, or realize that they know?

YES, tell us when we're wasting our time, oh wise ones! My family does this to me all the time. I'll date a guy, and then when we break up, someone will inevitably say, "Well, I didn't want to say anything, but I knew he was totally wrong for you!" Well, why didn't you do me a favor and say so? Even if we do get mad, at least you'll know you tried.

Glad to know I inspire you, James.

Good subject.

I got engaged when I was very young, to the first guy I'd ever dated (though we'd broken up for about a year at one point and I dated one or two other people. Point being, I didn't have much dating experience.) I know that had we actually gotten married, the marriage would have worked. We knew each other our whole lives and, as the person I was then, it would have been okay.

Well, that engagement didn't last, and I went out and dated... a lot. In the 5 years between then and now... I've become a vastly different person for my experiences. I've learned what I prefer or don't prefer... and a lot of the qualities he had were in the "don't prefer" category. They didn't bother me when I didn't know any better, but once I opened my eyes I couldn't go back.

Now I'm getting married to a man who has all of the qualities in the "prefer" column and I can't imagine life any other way.

Moral of the story? Unfortunately, you can't know. Had I married Mike I would have been happy as could be... because I was naive about what else there could be. Now that I'm more mature and more "experienced"... I think I have a good grasp on what a good relationship is for me. Will that change over the years? Probably... as we both continue to mature. But the important thing is that if/when you choose to be with somebody permanently, that you ready yourselves to live and work through those changes together.

err... sorry for the life story. I've been thinking about this lately.

[angelic1]

You know this is one of the many relationship questions I have been thinking about lately.. trying to figure out things.

Well, I think that Ginger made some good points. I see people who are getting married to the second guy they have ever dated. Their first real love. They seem fine. I mean I dont know how they are going to be down the road, but who knows.

In reference to this, I think some people just dont know any different. Because of this they could be fine and happy the rest of their lives while others wake up one day (which I have seen to many family members) and realize I missed that time I needed to figure out who I am and what I want.

Then me on the other hand, I am one of those types you refer to who have been in a number of serious relationships.. three to be exact.. (14-16, 16-18, 18-22) granted before, inbetween, and now after I have dated many different types of guys.. I think from each relationship I have figured out more of what I want from a guy.. out of the second two I could have married them and ended up happy.. though it wasnt broken off bc I knew I still needed to figure out myself before I could spend the rest of my life with someone else..

Personally I think its all a matter of comparison. I look at each guy and say.. ya know from this relationship I figured out that I really dont like this certain quality.. or that I miss this certain quality.

I tell my younger brother all the time,, not to settle.. that he needs to figure out what he wants first.. now thats family.. friends well the ones who are engaged I try not to inflict too much on them, but when they start in on why I am not with a guy..well thats another story..

[cashmoney]

Originally posted by AchtungBaby80
YES, tell us when we're wasting our time, oh wise ones! My family does this to me all the time. I'll date a guy, and then when we break up, someone will inevitably say, "Well, I didn't want to say anything, but I knew he was totally wrong for you!" Well, why didn't you do me a favor and say so? Even if we do get mad, at least you'll know you tried.

Didnt a lot of people say your last BF wasnt good for you, myself included?



I think a lot of times girls only see what they want to see, they dont see things for what they actually are....and thats why men have such a bad reputation for being players. On one hand men see things for what they are, such as fuck buddies. On the other hand, women think they're dating and possibly in love and/or married. Sooner or later the truth comes out and usually its the girl who gets hurt. After that women usually rant on and on about how much guys are jerks and how they dont want to be around a man for awhile, and occaisonally ( depending on bad the situation is) every now and then a girl will turn into a lesbian or a bisexual slut. And who gets blamed for it???? Men!!! And we didn't do anything at all!!!!Sometimes we dont even talk and that pisses women off. I'm begining to think that women are naturally more violent, pyschologically, than men. Try to imagine a 6 foot 2 inch, 180lb woman who just got dumped while on her period. That shit even scares me. Its just usually we have bigger muscles and can do more damage than women.....thats the only thing that keeps chicks in line from taking over the world.

[angelic1]

Originally posted by BobbyTheDon
My question for you is, what on earth do the three of you (my sister, my mom and you) mean when yo usay " when you know what you want first". I don't know even know how to love a girl. Everything so far has just been lust for me. Enlighten me please.

Well, I personally only say this to my brother bc well he has this whole notion in his head that he needs to find a girl now. A lot of people around here, are well already married, and he sees this and thinks its the norm. I keep telling him that he should just enjoy things right now. So well the girl he has found.. well not to be mean.. he is just settling for. I think a lot of times he doubts himself. Everywhere we go girls go crazy for him, but he always gets all shy and embarrassed. I think this has a lot to do with it. He is a very quiet guy, but once he warms up to you, you cant get him to be quiet. Though I think this hurts him in meeting new girls.

What I mean personally by "knowing what you want" is just that I think he should date different people or just hang out with girls as friends. That way you can figure out what qualities you like and at the same time I think you really grow from different relationships.

ETA: I dont know if this really clarified things... as I am a little tired, I might be able to add more later.

[UKDaisy]

Originally posted by cashmoney

I think a lot of times girls only see what they want to see, they dont see things for what they actually are....and thats why men have such a bad reputation for being players. On one hand men see things for what they are, such as fuck buddies. On the other hand, women think they're dating and possibly in love and/or married. Sooner or later the truth comes out and usually its the girl who gets hurt. After that women usually rant on and on about how much guys are jerks and how they dont want to be around a man for awhile, and occaisonally ( depending on bad the situation is) every now and then a girl will turn into a lesbian or a bisexual slut. And who gets blamed for it???? Men!!! And we didn't do anything at all!!!!Sometimes we dont even talk and that pisses women off. I'm begining to think that women are naturally more violent, pyschologically, than men. Try to imagine a 6 foot 2 inch, 180lb woman who just got dumped while on her period. That shit even scares me. Its just usually we have bigger muscles and can do more damage than women.....thats the only thing that keeps chicks in line from taking over the world.

I agree with you! Only imagine a 5'1 pissed off Kentuckian - and I think it'll be worse.

But I agree with the girls see what they want to see only. Its happened to me way to many times.

[sororitygirl2]

This is such a relevant topic for me right now. My boyfriend and I recently broke up. It was sort of mutual, but sort of his idea. Things were getting kind of comfortable and not as great and fun as they had been. I thought we should work on it. He said that he had been working on things and if I was "the one" then it wouldn't be work, everything would just naturally be perfect all the time (he has much to learn!). Because he had never been in a real, long-term relationship, he didn't have anyone to compare our relatively small problems too. He didn't realize that what we had was actually pretty great.

I'm not saying he made a mistake, or that we woulda/coulda/shoulda spent our lives together - I think that typically, no matter what course a relationship takes, two people will almost always end up at the same point and things go the way they should - even when it sucks. I just believe that you can't ever know that you have the "best" - you just have to believe that you do. Maybe that's stupid, but you know, love is supposed to be blind and all, and you just have to have faith that when you find a good thing, you don't need to keep searching just because someone else *might* be better. You can't date everyone in the world to know that you have the best, so you just have to have enough experience to serve as a good reference point.

And, yes, everyone deserves to get that experience so that one day they can be confident in their choices. As much as I would have liked to have grabbed my boyfriend and said "please don't go, you'll regret it later - we're great together" - he just has to learn that for himself.