November's In The Spirit

[CrimsonTide4]

In the Spirit


A Love Worth Giving


In any group of sisters, some will moan, "There are no good men out there." But our lives arrange themselves according to our thoughts, so such statements attract exactly what they call for: no good men - truth-benders and vow breakers. And after having our fill of abuse, we may decide the best we can do is protect ourselves. We strap our hearts in armor, closing off the very tenderness that draws love near.

Perpetual fear of being hurt in love is a fatal mistake. When you love, even when you're hurt, you never lose. You awaken. You learn to love goodness, not glitz and glamour, and to choose wisely.

My friend Chester Grundy, a vice-president at Kentucky State University, has been married to his wife, Ann, for 27 years. He says, "You sisters have to be patient with us. You're so much further ahead of us brothers in your understanding of life and yourselves." When men speak from the heart, I listen. Cultural critic and writer Orde Coombs said to me not long before he died, "Brothers don't have the support you women do. We don't have the people or publications or intimate relationships with each other that you have, assuring and affirming and guiding us to live healthy lives." My husband, Khephra, says bluntly, "Some of us simply don't want to grow up."

I'm no apologist for men's hurtful behavior, and I never want to see a woman play the fool. But we can't fully know the burden that Black men carry - the buried hurt, old rage and daddy hunger. The cool indifference, posturing and self-centered player profile are the faces that some front in a society that systematically tries to emasculate them, that has demonized them and built a profit making prison industry to contain them. Like us, Black men have had to create their own identity and dignity. Unlike us, they suffer in silence. Loving a Black man in America can be like welcoming home a war veteran. Even brothers at the top of their game are under siege. More than anything, our men need truth and tenderness - even when they mess up. The last thing a brother needs is to have us attacking him, too.

Who will be allies to Black men in their personal development if not us? Who cares more than we do? In all relationships, those with greater awareness have greater responsibility for healing and setting things right. Our communities are in crisis; we have no time to waste.

Choose a man you can love, and work with him. Or commit to understanding more deeply the one you're with. But before any man becomes your lover, make him your friend and, most important, see him as your brother. Don't let little things irritate you. When there's conflict, soften your heart, see his innocence - or ignorance - and don't have an attitude. Speak kindly. Be reverent. Practice peace. Be a role model for the behavior you want him to adopt. As our beloved Dr. Betty Shabazz said she did with Malcolm, find the good and praise it!


This was Susan Taylor's In The Spirit for November edition of Essence. My boyfriend asked me this morning had I read it. So I did and I listened to what she said. I have some thoughts and there were parts of her editorial that resonated within my spirit and made me reflect on the relationship that my boyfriend and I have.

So tell me what you think about what Susan Taylor wrote. I have some questions that I want to center discussion around, but I want to see initial reactions first.

[desirethegreat1]

CT4, this is a good article. I know one of my personal flaws is having patience.

[ClassyLady]

Originally posted by CrimsonTide4
Cultural critic and writer Orde Coombs said to me not long before he died, "Brothers don't have the support you women do. We don't have the people or publications or intimate relationships with each other that you have, assuring and affirming and guiding us to live healthy lives."

I agree with the overall gist of the article. But the above statement really bothers me. I'm not one for excuses. You either do or you don't, the why is not necessary. I really do not like to hear excuses like that one. If you don't like the way something is, do your best to change it. Don't tell me all of the reasons why it's wrong, change it or shut up.

I love my black brothers, I truly do. But, I hate to hear them complain about all of the various reasons why their lot in life is not what they want it to be. "The man is keeping us down, you women are too hard on us, y'all look so goo and we're so easily tempted . . . ." Blah, blah, blah. Excuses like those upset me because they ignore the scores of black men who have their lives together, like my father and boyfriend.

Life isn't perfect, but the Black Man can and will achieve. The only person who can keep him down is himself.

*I am stepping off my soapbox and returning to my normal height of 5 feet.*

[CrimsonTide4]

I want feedback from the brothas on the site too. . . TonyB, I know you got something to say.

[TonyB06]

...but since you did,

I agree with most of the article. People who want relationships need to value them. IMO, black women love harder than anybody else on the planet, and sometimes get played because of it. Add in the supposed imbalance of eligible men to women and yall sometimes put up w/ sub-standard behavior, which leads to residual anger you all bring to future relationships. Then us good guys have to wait out all that anger until yall realize we don’t intent to do what the last guy did. Sometimes we wait; sometimes we bounce.

I don’t agree with Coombs’ remarks but I think I’m a lil' less critical than ClassyLady. I won’t “excusify” (bootleg word-of-the-day) my behavior. I'm as adult as the woman I'm dealing with in the relationship. If it’s not working out, part as friends; no sense taking folk through drama. Some relationships aren’t meant to go the distance.

We’re never going to figure each other out but that’s the daily magic of the Divine plan, IMO. We need each other more than we realize. So if we’re with the right person (a really, really big if I admit), it shouldn’t be all that hard to “do for your boo what you want your boo to do for you.”

[CrimsonTide4]

Okay here's my thinking:

In response to Coombs' I see it both ways, meaning I see his point as well as what ClassyLAdy said.

Men do not have the same type of support systems that women have. Women will call up their girfriends, mamas, etc. We will pray. Seek a counselor. Whatever it takes. A greater majority of women do that then men, by and large, regardless of education. I have to make my boyfriend talk to me and tell me what is wrong. He is used to internalizing which is not good AT ALL.

Men have been conditioned to have a rough exterior, to not show their pain, etc. etc. But this is so wrong. Think of how many men, ESPECIALLY BLACK MEN, die early. . . A lot of it (my hypothesis) is due to the lack of support systems/emotional outlets that could lessen their daily tensions.

When I read this article, I saw my brother, my father, my boyfriend, and my future unborn sons. I saw my former male students, especially the ones who struggled to form an identity and make sense of the world around them.

Black men are strong. Black women are strong as well. Somewhere though the differences in the strength has left a lot of our Black men without the means to communicate, look to others for emotional support, etc.

Question for the men: How many of you tell your friends that you love them? Meaning that male friend who has been down for you since Heck was a pup that you love him. Too many men do not communicate that feeling VERBALLY. . .

Women, do you tell your women friends that you love them? I have no problem telling my sistas that I love them at all.

Women, do you agree with what Susan Taylor wrote?

These are just my thoughts.

[TonyB06]

Originally posted by CrimsonTide4
Okay here's my thinking:

...Men have been conditioned to have a rough exterior, to not show their pain, etc. etc. But this is so wrong. Think of how many men, ESPECIALLY BLACK MEN, die early. . . A lot of it (my hypothesis) is due to the lack of support systems/emotional outlets that could lessen their daily tensions.

Question for the men: How many of you tell your friends that you love them? Meaning that male friend who has been down for you since Heck was a pup that you love him. Too many men do not communicate that feeling VERBALLY. . .

...rest deleted
These are just my thoughts.

CT4,
I'll grant you that internalizing isn't the healthiest mechanism, but I disagree that it's wrong--it's just our way. I had to learn that (and this makes NO sense to me) that sometimes women, if they have a problem just want to be heard, to talk it out. We're like problem...solution....next issue. period.

"How many of you (men) tell your friends that you love them?"

WTF?? But I see the point you're making. We're just different. Case in point with my dad, we're close but in a man-to-man way. When I divorced, my dad called me and asked if I "needed any money?" Of course I knew, and he knew that I had my own $; I've never needed $ from him. He was saying, in his way, I love you, keep ya head up and handle your biz --- but his statement as delivered to me was clearly understood, just in a man way.

Don't want to leave this w/out acknowledging your point, but you gotta see we're taught to handle biz, be the defender, protector of the family/house, etc... and behind closed doors we should be able to show some vul, vul, (even tough to write ) vulnerability, but's that takes time and support from the woman in your life.

My question back to you: why do we have to communiate love for our bruhs (black men in general), verbally? isn't it more important to just show it however you show it??

...any bruhs out there, frat, D9, whatever, feel free to help me here. I feel it's gon be a long day on GC for the kid

[CrimsonTide4]

Originally posted by TonyB06

My question back to you: why do we have to communiate love for our bruhs (black men in general), verbally? isn't it more important to just show it however you show it??

...any bruhs out there, frat, D9, whatever, feel free to help me here. I feel it's gon be a long day on GC for the kid

You DON'T HAVE TO verbally say it, but I just umm was shocked that folks who are long term friends have never said it and perceive it as "gay."

LOL @ long day on GC.

TonyB, let me ask you this, when you read Susan Taylor's words did you feel like she was speaking a truth for you in some way. Did you feel like she was vocalizing for you and other men? Namean? Did it make you feel good to know that this woman and other women are here for you? Trying to understand you better?

I can see your point with the whole internalizing your problems, troubles of the world, etc. but it is unhealthy. I want my brothas to live, even you TonyB.

[TonyB06]

Originally posted by CrimsonTide4
You DON'T HAVE TO verbally say it, but I just umm was shocked that folks who are long term friends have never said it and perceive it as "gay."

LOL @ long day on GC.

TonyB, let me ask you this, when you read Susan Taylor's words did you feel like she was speaking a truth for you in some way. Did you feel like she was vocalizing for you and other men? Namean? Did it make you feel good to know that this woman and other women are here for you? Trying to understand you better?

I can see your point with the whole internalizing your problems, troubles of the world, etc. but it is unhealthy. I want my brothas to live, even you TonyB.

Just because we don't say it, doesn't mean we don't show it. It's like the man who doesn't tell his wife he loves her, but he goes and washes her car every week. Granted, he SHOULD be able to tell the woman of his life what she means to him, but I think sometimes we just miss each other's signals.

We (men) operate at a deficit. Yall have many more emotional levels in terms of dealing with things. Generally, for us it's either on/off, right/ wrong, we boys/we not boys. Because (generally) we're at a verbal disadvantage with women, we lose more arguments-- thus we shut down and don't talk.

Taylor's words had truth in a general sense, but I don't see myself in that category of men she spoke of. I can articulate my POV; I'm in touch with my feelings and can share and receive what I need.

Am I about to go "Kleenex" and start hugging on dudes? Not in this lifetime. But her colums does offer a "port in the storm" for those brothers who are in that mental/emotional mindset. It is thinking we need to do.

[lostnfound117]

this was a very interesting article to read. sigh....i'm a woman who has been continually hurt over and over by men.i have alot of love to give, and i guess i tend to fall hard for the man i'm with. yet, i always either end up with liars or losers. it is a vicious cycle.
lately, i've convinced myself to give up on love, feeling quite cynical and thinking that all of teh good black men, without issues, are taken.
i like this article because it gives me hope and sheds some much needed light on a few issues i was thinking about.

the article stated,
"Choose a man you can love, and work with him. Or commit to understanding more deeply the one you're with. But before any man becomes your lover, make him your friend and, most important, see him as your brother. Don't let little things irritate you. When there's conflict, soften your heart, see his innocence - or ignorance - and don't have an attitude. Speak kindly. Be reverent. Practice peace. Be a role model for the behavior you want him to adopt. As our beloved Dr. Betty Shabazz said she did with Malcolm, find the good and praise it"

i suppose that if i ever have another relationship, i will adhere to this! (thanks for sharing ct4)

[toocute]

Originally posted by CrimsonTide4
Question for the men: How many of you tell your friends that you love them? Meaning that male friend who has been down for you since Heck was a pup that you love him. Too many men do not communicate that feeling VERBALLY. . .

Women, do you tell your women friends that you love them? I have no problem telling my sistas that I love them at all.

You know...I just asked my husband that the other day. He'll get off the phone with his baby sister and say " I love you sweetie. Talk to you later." He'll talk to his baby brother and be like " A'ight man, I'll catch you later. Word. Peace." I asked him if he ever said I love you to Mark and he was ike "No...but he knows I love him." Same thing with his boys and two of his boys he has know since KINDERGARTEN.

BUT...He is the exact opposite with our baby son. He SMOOCHES all over the boy, tells him I love you with big bear hugs several times a day and looked close to tears when CJ finally said "I wuv woo" back to us. I hope this level of affection continues when CJ is a man. I love seeing fathers and sons (especially black fathers and sons) openly express their love for one another.

[TonyB06]

Originally posted by CrimsonTide4
I want my brothas to live, even you TonyB. [/B]

....I just caught this. I can't believe you snuck me like dat, CT4.