Turning down a wedding invitation?

Ideal08 · #1 02-25-2005, 04:35 PM

Have you ever done this when invited by a coworker? Here's the thing... there are a total of 14 employees and only about half of us are in the DC office. If I don't go, it's going to be noticed. Well, I'm also the only Black person, so it'll really be noticed if I don't go. I don't want to go cuz I don't really like her all like that and I feel like I shouldn't be there for something so important if on the inside I'm all conflicted and can't offer true feelings of happiness and congratulations.

This is a perfect segue to the shower. We are throwing her a surprise shower here at work. I don't even wanna participate in that, either. This reminds me of that thread Bamboozled started, but after I read thru it, I realized it was different, so I started another thread.

What y'all think?

RedefinedDiva · #2 02-25-2005, 04:52 PM

When is the wedding? When were you invited? If the time frame was very small, just state that you have other plans. You don't have to participate in the shower if you don't want to. Buy her a little gift (inexpensive) and send your regards. There is no use in trying to pretend that you want to be there. Your discomfort and unhappiness will show. It's easier to just gracefully decline.

SKEEphistAKAte · #3 02-25-2005, 05:20 PM

You know me, I'd just say "No, I can't be bothered". LOL. Really, though, if you don't like her, you don't owe her an explanation and you especially don't owe her a gift. Skip the shower, ask a co-worker that you are cool with to swipe a piece of cake for you, and call it a day.

Gyrl7 · #4 02-25-2005, 05:31 PM

I agree with Redefined Diva, I would get her a gift along with my congratulations and my apologies for not being able to be in attendance at her wedding......

Hmmph! I wish I could even send out a wedding invitation let alone reject one......

EssenceofElle55 · #5 02-25-2005, 06:22 PM

You know this has happened to me more than once. I really think that you don't owe someone you don't like and explaination or a gift. The best gifts are given from the heart and if yours is not in it then what's the point. I'm sure some people feel obligated to mix professional and personal relationships but I think that you have the right to choose who's life you want to participte in outside of work and who's you don't. If there is a formal invite involved, simply return the RSVP card stating that you will not be in attendance. I'm sure others who are participating my not be all that "chummy" with her either but are just playing the roll. My motto, always stay true to yourself, it limits the confusion. Good Luck1!

nachural · #6 02-25-2005, 06:22 PM

I definately wouldn't go to either the shower or the wedding. I wouldn't send a gift either. And why did she invite you in the first place? She was probably just hoping for another gift, she couldn't possibly think you like her or that you'd want to go. I would send the invitation back and tick no on the RSVP. I dont think she'd care too much why you cant come.

And if the shower is at the office, just leave. I doubt she'll ask why you missed that either

plus she couldn't planning her own shower.

I think if you make up some excuse it's going to be very obvious. Sometimes it's best not to say anything at all. Maybe you won't even have to say you're not going to her wedding- just dont go. What is she going ot do, come back from the honeymoon like "why didn't you come?" oh please you know I dont like you already I still can't get passed why you invited me in the first place. Maybe she didn't want you to feel left out being the only one who didn't get an invite

AKA_Monet · #7 02-25-2005, 07:34 PM

Given the nature of my Soror Ideal's career and what she has to put up with, if she fails to go and participate with a happy smile on her face it will have broad repercussions on furthering her career aspirations... Folks will be talking about her behind back and in front of her face... The boss recognizes the kinna chit, too...

So, I would lavish all the "love" (even if it's fake and phony) that I can muster up, get her the best kind of gift one could ever have with the little porno string for the bridal shower--tastefully done of course. Hug her with the utmost of happiness and let her KNOW, you are "ON" to her "GAME"... She won't squelch you out of the game because she knows you take it personal when she acts a biatch...

That would be a poor career move on your part if you allow these fools to get the best of you lak dat dere...

You never know, at the wedding you might be able to lend the "ear of the boss" and let him know about so sheistyness going on at the office...

Then trounce up with the best wedding cheer salute and teach these Mo'fo's how to do the electric slide or whatever is now done these days...

That's my opinion... Besides, it's winner takes all... Do or die...

Exquisite5 · #8 02-26-2005, 02:08 PM

Soror AKA_Monet, professionally I truly agree with what you posted.

However, as someone who is currently planning a wedding and COUNTING EVERY SINGLE GUEST I will add a few possibilities others might not have considered.

1)She might not be even expecting you to come and placed you in the "will invite/doubt attendance" group anyway and your attendance/invitation acceptance may throw off her count and

2) would probably appreciate you not going if you don't want to be there. Weddings are expensive, in DC they cost about $80-$100 bucks a person (thank God I'm getting married in TX) and if she is like me she only wants at her wedding, people who want to be there. So, I think a respectful declining might be appreciated and she can bump up someone from her "B" list who truly wants to come and will appreciate taking part.

MartinMaasai · #9 02-26-2005, 07:37 PM

I agree with everyone to some extent. I think that Exquisite brings up a very good point about A list versus B list.

I say tell the truth that you don't want to go and don't go to either one if you don't have to. That way, the girl won't waste her money and you won't waste your time. Plus, if she didn't want you there, she (or anyone else for that matter) shouldn't catch feelings if you don't show up. But let her know in due time what are gonna do. This way if she got someone else on her B list or C list that she wants to invite, she can do that. I personally feel that if she's inviting you for the gift, she should have thought about your relationship with her before she gave you an invitation. She should know by now if you and her don't get along and if she did it anyway, that's stupid on her part.

If you must go to one or the other, go to the shower, especially since it is at the office. You don't have to buy her a gift, but if you do, get her something small and useful. She SHOULD appreciate that.

landa · #10 02-26-2005, 08:29 PM

Ive been in a similar situation, and understand totally hpw you feel. You definately should not go if you harbor these feelings for her. I do think that since you were invited you should try to attend the shower. Give an excuse why you just will not be able to make it to the wedding, and try to seem really upset about it. Worked for me, hope it'll help you.

darling1 · #11 02-26-2005, 11:16 PM

ummmmmmmm....hey there..lol

i agree with AKAMonet; it will be vert noticeable if you dont go. think of it as a networking opp. and make the best of it.

Quote:

Originally posted by Ideal08
Have you ever done this when invited by a coworker? Here's the thing... there are a total of 14 employees and only about half of us are in the DC office. If I don't go, it's going to be noticed. Well, I'm also the only Black person, so it'll really be noticed if I don't go. I don't want to go cuz I don't really like her all like that and I feel like I shouldn't be there for something so important if on the inside I'm all conflicted and can't offer true feelings of happiness and congratulations.

This is a perfect segue to the shower. We are throwing her a surprise shower here at work. I don't even wanna participate in that, either. This reminds me of that thread Bamboozled started, but after I read thru it, I realized it was different, so I started another thread.

What y'all think?

Taykimson · #12 02-26-2005, 11:27 PM

I'm with Soror AKA_Monet on this one.

I don't have Soror AKA_Monet's insight to your work situation, but based on general office politics, I don't think you can turn this one down.

If I had to guess, she invited you for the same reason you have to say yes. It would reflect poorly upon her if she invited everyone except you (especially since you say the number of employees in your office is small...and especially since you are the only black employee...she doesn't want to be viewed as exclusionary or even racist). It would reflect poorly upon you if everyone was invited and everyone except you attended. Yes, it is your personal time, and you should not have to grin and bear her for 2-3 hours...I know, I know, it shouldn't be that way - but I would advise going with Soror AKA_Monet's advice and smile while you are aware that you aren't letting her get the best of you (although it will feel like she is winning because you are giving up your personal time for her).

You definitely have to participate in the shower. It is at work. It would not be cool to not participate in the planning and not to attend. Recognizing major life events at the office is the norm. I'm sure the Team Player definition in your job description does not include these type of activities, but from my experience it is one of those unwritten rules.

pearls · #13 02-27-2005, 01:23 AM

I think you should go too. It's a once in a lifetime thing, well, then again not these days, but I think you should go. I agree, it would be a good professional move, but other than that you might get something out of it, or gain a unique experience. When you shop for the gift, you might find something you are interested in for yourself, and when you go to the wedding, you might have a great conversation, make a new friend, or get some great ideas. It's just one day, and you should be there. After all, it's going to be one of her most important days. Besides, what's your excuse going to be?
I think you should go to the wedding and the shower, and tell us how it was. You might catch the boquet!

ladygreek · #14 02-27-2005, 04:06 AM

Ideal,
After reading Monet's post I have to agree with her. I totally feel you on this--been there, done that. But it sounds if you don't go, then the repercussions could be worse than the time you spend there.

*Don't you just hate it when office politics spills over into your personal time?*

Eclipse · #15 02-27-2005, 10:32 AM

Ideal, I know you haven't been in this office that long, but what is the general environment. Is is one of those "I LOVE the people I work with/we are all best friends!" type of environments? If so, it might be a bad political move not to go to both. If it is not, you were probably invited out of obligation and it won't be a big deal if you "have other plans."

When I got married I invited people from work that I was close to and those that I worked closest with. My feelings would not have been hurt if several of them had not shown up.

If the shower is held during work hours I think it would look bad if you were at your desk and the rest of the 14 person office was there. In a larger office you could sneak out earlier, but doesn't sound like you could in this situation.

On the other hand, I love to say that everyone has a choice and should not feel they HAVE to do anything. Weigh the consequences personally and professionally if you go or don't go and decide which is more important to you. If it is more important to be "true to yourself" and not play the office politic game, then don't go to either, but understand what it might mean professionally.