Wedding etiquette

[ree-Xi]

A cousin of mine got married two years ago. She was 8 months pregnant and had a small wedding ceremony at home with only her husband, her sister, her (to be) mother in law and sister in law. They made a huge deal to purposely exclude everyone else in the family. It wasn't a financial decision; they posted pictures and titled them "the chosen few".

Flash forward to now. They are having a reception at the country club, with 8 bridesmaids. No reconfirming their vows, no church ceremony (we're Catholic). I asked her sister if they are registered, and the reply was "No they are not, they have everything they need, they would appreciate money gifts."

If they "have everything", why ask for money?

I have read that the proper way to ask for money is to indicate that the couple is saving for something specific, like a house, a honeymoon, etc. I also read that it is improper to ask for gifts, and that it is not mandatory to give one (not that I would ever do that).

It just seems to me that they are doing this solely for the money. I know that they are not paying for this, and neither are either of their parents. A mutual relative (between my cousin and I) is footing the bill (they ASKED him, and feeling pressured, he obliged. This person helps a lot of people in the family.)

Of course I will give them a gift, but I am uneasy with the whole thing. The option of not attending would not be acceptable (I'm very close with my uncle, her dad).

General thoughts??

[VandalSquirrel]

Originally Posted by ree-Xi

A cousin of mine got married two years ago. She was 8 months pregnant and had a small wedding ceremony at home with only her husband, her sister, her (to be) mother in law and sister in law. They made a huge deal to purposely exclude everyone else in the family. It wasn't a financial decision; they posted pictures and titled them "the chosen few".

Flash forward to now. They are having a reception at the country club, with 8 bridesmaids. No reconfirming their vows, no church ceremony (we're Catholic). I asked her sister if they are registered, and the reply was "No they are not, they have everything they need, they would appreciate money gifts."

If they "have everything", why ask for money?

I have read that the proper way to ask for money is to indicate that the couple is saving for something specific, like a house, a honeymoon, etc. I also read that it is improper to ask for gifts, and that it is not mandatory to give one (not that I would ever do that).

It just seems to me that they are doing this solely for the money. I know that they are not paying for this, and neither are either of their parents. A mutual relative (between my cousin and I) is footing the bill (they ASKED him, and feeling pressured, he obliged. This person helps a lot of people in the family.)

Of course I will give them a gift, but I am uneasy with the whole thing. The option of not attending would not be acceptable (I'm very close with my uncle, her dad).

General thoughts??

How do you have a bridesmaid, let alone eight without being a bride or having a ceremony? There is never a proper way to ask for gifts or money because it isn't proper!

There's so much I'd like to say re: marrying at eight months pregnant, publicly, and then having a gift fest wedding because one missed out. Other than the people who are on the show "I didn't know I was pregnant!" it is pretty obvious at eight months, and she posted it on Facebook so it wasn't a secret marriage to coincide with a pregnancy.

Give them a hardbound etiquette book and thank you cards with stamps.

[twinkle555]

Originally Posted by ree-Xi

A cousin of mine got married two years ago. She was 8 months pregnant and had a small wedding ceremony at home with only her husband, her sister, her (to be) mother in law and sister in law. They made a huge deal to purposely exclude everyone else in the family. It wasn't a financial decision; they posted pictures and titled them "the chosen few".

Flash forward to now. They are having a reception at the country club, with 8 bridesmaids. No reconfirming their vows, no church ceremony (we're Catholic). I asked her sister if they are registered, and the reply was "No they are not, they have everything they need, they would appreciate money gifts."

If they "have everything", why ask for money?

I have read that the proper way to ask for money is to indicate that the couple is saving for something specific, like a house, a honeymoon, etc. I also read that it is improper to ask for gifts, and that it is not mandatory to give one (not that I would ever do that).

It just seems to me that they are doing this solely for the money. I know that they are not paying for this, and neither are either of their parents. A mutual relative (between my cousin and I) is footing the bill (they ASKED him, and feeling pressured, he obliged. This person helps a lot of people in the family.)

Of course I will give them a gift, but I am uneasy with the whole thing. The option of not attending would not be acceptable (I'm very close with my uncle, her dad).

General thoughts??

Originally Posted by VandalSquirrel

How do you have a bridesmaid, let alone eight without being a bride or having a ceremony? There is never a proper way to ask for gifts or money because it isn't proper!

There's so much I'd like to say re: marrying at eight months pregnant, publicly, and then having a gift fest wedding because one missed out. Other than the people who are on the show "I didn't know I was pregnant!" it is pretty obvious at eight months, and she posted it on Facebook so it wasn't a secret marriage to coincide with a pregnancy.

Give them a hardbound etiquette book and thank you cards with stamps.

WOW..can you said RUDE?! I can totally see why you are uneasy, her behavior is ridic. I agree with VandalSquirrel, sounds like she needs a lesson in etiquette!

[KSUViolet06]

I am very seldom at a loss for words when it comes to tacky people and weddings, but I can't even come up with the words to describe this situation.

Vandal pretty much covered it all. Money is never proper and 8 months pregnant? Really?

This is likely a "we need baby money" grab, disguised as "not a money grab." lol.

[DrPhil]

I don't understand why this would make sense to them and why anyone else would go along with it. Eight bridesmaids?

I assume they just need money. I agree with you that, if they need money, they should give an idea of what they are raising money for. Afterall, they got married a couple of years ago so most people probably won't be eager to give money and gift cards NOW.

[VandalSquirrel]

Originally Posted by twinkle555

WOW..can you said RUDE?! I can totally see why you are uneasy, her behavior is ridic. I agree with VandalSquirrel, sounds like she needs a lesson in etiquette!

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

I am very seldom at a loss for words when it comes to tacky people and weddings, but I can't even come up with the words to describe this situation.

Vandal pretty much covered it all. Money is never proper and 8 months pregnant? Really?

This is likely a "we need baby money" grab, disguised as "not a money grab." lol.

That isn't a baby, that's a toddler!

Originally Posted by DrPhil

I don't understand why this would make sense to them and why anyone else would go along with it. Eight bridesmaids?

I assume they just need money. I agree with you that, if they need money, they should give an idea of what they are raising money for. Afterall, they got married a couple of years ago so most people probably won't be eager to give money and gift cards NOW.

You also have to wonder if people gave privately for the wedding and the baby, or if there was a baby shower, so this is redundant and greedy.

[BabyPiNK_FL]

I woulsd say avoid money, give a gift that can't be retuned that corresponds with their anniversary year as noted on wikipedia (search "Aniversary Gifts") be sure to have it engraved so they can't sell it on ebay!

[jdrama]

If I wasnt invited to the wedding, they wouldn't be getting a GIFT in the first place. But if you must, I'd be slick and buy a gift for the child. That's always helpful right? And take the tags off and don't bring it in the bag that advertises the store name. No store credit or refund for them! lol

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by jdrama

If I wasnt invited to the wedding, they wouldn't be getting a GIFT in the first place. But if you must, I'd be slick and buy a gift for the child. That's always helpful right?

That's actually an excellent idea. I would do a child gift card. Let them figure it out what the kid wears.

[aephi alum]

Smells like a gift grab to me.

I'd go with the etiquette book and maybe a small gift specifically for the baby (it's not the kid's fault s/he was born into this mess).

The bitch in me would also make a contribution to Planned Parenthood in the happy couple's name

[PeppyGPhiB]

I would go, but I wouldn't bring a gift except for maybe a bottle of wine...something I frequently take to a party. That's all this is - a party. It's just at a country club. No wedding gift is needed, certainly not cash. The entire event is tacky and very attention-whore-ish (as the girls on The Knot say).

[annabella]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Eight bridesmaids?

One for each month, duh.

I like ae_phi alum's idea of the etiquette book. I think a good gift to acknowledge the tackiness but avoid making waves would be a giftcard to a children's store.

[RaggedyAnn]

Miss Manners would have a field day.

[honeychile]

From Emily Post's Etiquette Daily

[ForeverRoses]

Get your family together and open up a college fund for the kid- a 529 would be good!

I have no problem with the idea of a party- it's the bridesmaids thing that I don't get. Oh, and the fact they aren't paying for it themselves.

I would just consider this an anniversary party where 8 of the people are in matching dresses - not a wedding!