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I agree with everyone on the second paragraph. I think its perfect as is. The first paragraph does need tweaking. I need to meditate on it. I do like the references to the C&C inthe first paragraph, but it seems like a hodge-podge of things; all thrown in. Theres little cadence to it (unlike the second paragrapha) and the items seem unrelated. Its like the two paragraphs are from different creeds or something.
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