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Four year olds are in the heart of Erikson's stage 3 of psychological development:
Stage 3: Early Childhood -- Age 2 to 6
Crisis: Initiative vs. Guilt
Description: Children have newfound power at this stage as they have developed motor skills and become more and more engaged in social interaction with people around them. They now must learn to achieve a balance between eagerness for more adventure and more responsibility, and learning to control impulses and childish fantasies.
Positive outcome: If parents are encouraging, but consistent in discipline, children will learn to accept without guilt, that certain things are not allowed, but at the same time will not feel shame when using their imagination and engaging in make-believe role plays.
Negative outcome: If not, children may develop a sense of guilt and may come to believe that it is wrong to be independent.
Therefore, to some extent, it is their JOB to find out what the limits are and the way they do it is by testing. Firmness and consistency, telling the child their behavior is unacceptable (making clear that THEY are ok, but their behavior is not) will work, but they will take time.
James: There was nothing in her post to indicate that the child is under any unusual stress or anxiety. I do agree that anytime a child's behavior changes drastically, it is worth evaluating whether there is some other cause like a new school, new care giver, stress in the familial home, etc. It is also important, once the child is calm, to tell them what it is OK to do when they are mad or frustrated. It is ok to be angry or frustrated, but it is not ok to throw your toys. If you get really mad, you can punch a pillow (for example.. my personal fave was ripping up newspapers, of course, they also knew they had to pick them up afterward).
I have been thinking more about how I handled things back then (it's been a while now!) and I do know that I got creative rather than setting up power struggles. Somehow, singing the Barney clean up song got them to pick up toys. We also sometimes had a race to see if they could beat their best pick up time, and I would time them. Refusing to get up in the morning meant early bed time (because, logically, if they couldn't get up when I needed them to, they probably weren't getting enough sleep). Refusal to go to bed usually (and still does!) results in me saying "Well I'm going to bed, so you'll have to tuck yourself in" and voom, they're in bed, because they don't want to tuck themselves in! I also tend to engage in "silly parenting". "Momma, will you put my shoes on?" "I'm sorry honey, they don't fit me".
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