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My daughter's roughest age was 4 also. I remember someone (my mom I think!) saying "4 is two TWICE". Consistency, loss of privileges worked with her. They are trying to be more independent, so give her choices WHEN APPROPRIATE. We would have battles over what she was going to wear. So I would get out two outfits the night before and ask her which one she wanted to wear. If she wanted to do something that was against the rules, I'd give her two other options. You can do THIS or THIS. I also had to tell her "I will not talk to you while you are this upset" to avoid power struggles. She thought it was a good idea to try to bite me while I was carrying her to her time out spot, but she bit my diamond instead and cracked a tooth. That put an end to biting.
Above all else, you need to do your best to remain calm but firm. A calm but firm voice helps keep it from escalating. And, don't give in to the temper tantrums. Her dad used to give in to the temper tantrums and she learned to work that, especially after we were divorced!
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