Newbie,
Oh, my dear. I am so sorry for your loss. I hate seeing one of my friends in pain. I know we don’t know each other that well, but I consider all of us here on GC friends, so I’d like to offer a few words of advise to hopefully ease some of the pain you are enduring right now.
Death sucks. Plain and simple. All of us have experienced it in one way or another, weither it be a grandparent, parent, spouse, sibling, friend or even a loved and cherished pet, we have all experienced a loss. If this is your first loss, it can be tough, but it is a signpost that you are becoming an adult. Part of being an adult is having to say goodbye to the people who raised you and have left this earth. It can be especially difficult when it is a family member, because not only are you loosing someone you loved, but someone who shares your life history, the essence of who you are. Now, armed with that understanding, a few points to ponder from things I have garnered from your postings, along with a few dashes of helpful advise.
First, this is the most important, (and this goes way beyond the death issue and it took me till I was 21 to figure this out) NEVER, I repeat never feel bad about your feelings. Feelings have no inherent value. Just like the sky has no inherent value, it just is. So is the same with feelings, they just are. So learn to never apologize for what or how you are feeling. The only bad feeling is the one suppressed and not expressed.
If you feel upset or bad, its ok, and go with the feeling. When my dad died when I was in HS, I suppressed all the feelings and never dealt with them. Three years later when a brother in the chapter was killed in a car wreck, it was that much more traumatic for me, because I was dealing not only with Chris’ death but my fathers as well. I can assure you if you do not deal with the feelings, they will not simply just go away.
Don’t suppress the outbursts. Who said you cant have them? After all you are not only grieving your grandfather, but the loss of the relationship as well. Who are they to tell you what is appropriate at this time and not. They’re not you. They don’t know your life. If you feel you are going to start crying in class, get up and go outside and sit there and cry. Your counselors can let your teachers know of your situation and they will be more than willing to understand. I can assure you HS is full of emotions, and you are not the first person to go through something traumatic at your school, so the administration should be pretty used to dealing with the emotional and sensitive issues of its students. Cry when you want. Scream when you want. Kick a wall if you want. No matter how your feelings manifest themselves, its way better than having them inside eating at you because they cant get out and you develop this weird relationship issue where you cant ever be alone because you have abandonment issues or something. (trust me baby, I’ve seen it all and it usually starts off by someone not dealing with intense emotional pain. I cant BEGIN to tell you how many of my friends or acquaintances have emotional skeletons in their closets because they didn’t deal with something like this, and it messed them up severe, so explore your emotions fully while you can, and the feelings are fresh.)
Who says you can’t question God? My mom used to feed me that crap too. Its a bunch of *hit from small minded people who’s limited intellect cant attempt to explain or understand the mystery of our creator, so instead they write it all off by this “dont question” crap. In fact, its been my understanding that god does not want a blind faith, but one tested by fire. I had a Presbyterian minister tell me one time at an interfaith breakfast that god would rather you explore, question, and evaluate his teachings and grace, and THEN hold THAT faith dear, versus accepting everything thats ever handed to you. ANY yahoo can swallow ideology that is spoon-fed to them. Barbara (aka penguintrax) once alluded to this in one of her posts, about how her temple was composed of a large number of converts, and it meant more because they chose to believe what they believe, instead of just accepting and not questioning their faith.)
Another thing to remember is that grief has no set timeframe. Nowhere does it say that you must complete your grieving by the funeral or anything. I had another brother die about a year ago and I was terrified to see him in the coffin. Someone explained to me that if I my belief system held that they were no longer on this earth, then why did I feel that I must be in physical proximity to the body to say goodbye. Ity was so true. there are any number of ways and times when someone can let go. Remembrance ceremonies with close friends, a song, a walk in a park, a journal entry, a good cry, whatever - the sky is the limit.
I also like what was said about keeping yourself busy. After a death I always end up looking fabulous, as I use the energy at the gym. Also, I like to read, particularly on the subject at hand. There are tons of great books on the subject of Death. Go to Borders and browse, that and the reading will prove extremely thereapudic.
I feel as if you might be letting the media and popular culture guilt you into lamenting the relationship you weren’t able to have with your grandfather because of distance issues. Pop culture has a way of making us feel guilty if our family or lives dont exactly reflect what others look like. Remember, many people, not just you dont/didnt get to see their grandparents on a regular basis. It was not your decision to live where you do. It was just circumstance that prevented you from knowing him better. More people don’t live near their grandparents than do, so your feelings are natural and well founded. From the stories you related, it sounds as if your grandfather loved you and your sister very much. CHERISH that. He gave you a gift which will last forever, the knowledge the he loved you and you were very dear to him. Too cool.
Understand that this is and will always be a landmark event in your life. Often in the future you will refer back to this place/time in your life. I encourage you to use it positively, as a source of strength; i.e., “If I can get through that, I KNOW I can get through this.”
That’s all I can think of to share right now. Remember, you are in charge of your grieving, no one else. Take ownership of it and move through it as it is most comfortable to YOU. You are in my prayers.
Take care,
lifesaver
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