Here were some rules I posted on another board for someone moving to Texas:
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows like the rest of us.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 6-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along directly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. (the 6-pack was a 'tip' from the last person they pulled out so it would be nice if you would be so generous. An alternative tip would be a brick or .22 ammo if you don't drink.)
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store. Also don't complain about not having a good selection of new releases, it ain't Blockbuster.
5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" If you do hear it, it is an insult, you have done something wrong. Think about it.
7. If you want to make a joke of it, before you ask a question, preface it with 'I'm not from around here, but I was wondering...?'
8. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle. On the other hand you could be in Austin.
9. If you hear a Texan exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" STAY OUT OF THE WAY AND WATCH. These are likely the last words he will ever say. If they aren't then you can fit right in by doing the same thing.
10. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity". And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August."
11. There are no delis. Don't ask. (Actually Katz's is in Austin)
12. In conversation, never put your hand on a man's shoulder when making a point, especially in a bar, especially in Austin.
13. Chili does NOT have beans in it.
14. Brisket is not 'cooked' in an oven.
15. We don't care how you did where you came from. This is Texas. If we wanted to do it that way we would move there.
16. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down-in December. Someone might say, 'You ain't from around here are ya?' That's a clue, if you piss and moan about it you will give Texans a bad name.
17. We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer!
18. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F-250 is. (or for some of you an F-350 or any other dually). If you don't know what a dually is 'you ain't from around here'.
19. If someone tells you "Don't worry, those peppers they ain't hot" you can be certain that you will be able to light the fire in your fireplace by breathing on the wood. If they warn you that the peppers are hot you will not be able to light the fire because your breath would melt the stone and brick around your fireplace if you breathed on it.
20. If you fail to heed my warning in #19 above, be sure to have a bowl of guacamole handy. Water won't do it, but a Shiner will help. The alcohol helps break down the alkaloids in the pepper.
21. Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. They aren't even from the ocean. Don't ask.
22. If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken, but they probably won't be around there for long.
23. Don't even think of ordering a strawberry daiquiri (unless you are in a bar in Austin where it is okay to put your hand on another man's shoulder, usually has a neon rainbow sign in the window). What you really mean to say is 'margarita'.
24. If you don't understand our passion for college and high school football just keep your mouth shut or you will hear, 'You ain't from around here are ya?'.
25. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade.
26. If you come up behind slower moving vehicle on a two lane road and it pulls on to the shoulder, it is letting you go by. That is called "courtesy".
27. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hotdogs outdoors.
28. BBQ has nothing to do with a grill and charcoal.
29. Pig is a breakfast animal.
30. We BBQ beef. If you go to a BBQ restaurant and ask for something from a pig, the server will say, 'You ain't from around here are ya?'.
31. No matter what you've seen on TV, Texans do NOT line dance.
32. "Tea" = Iced Tea. There is no other kind.
33. Everything goes better with Ranch dressing.
34. When driving you must know the 'Lugnut Rule'. The vehicle with the most lugnuts has the right of way. (count lugnuts on all wheels: motorcycle=2, Renault LeCar=12, VW=16, Caddy=20, F250=24, F350=32)
35. When buying a house and you are told the price do not flop out your checkbook and say, 'I'll take it!' They will know you are from California.
36. Get you license plates changed as soon as possible. If you have license plates from Ca. or any state east of the Mississippi River and north of Ky (especially NY or NJ) this is especially important.
37. Get to like the Dallas Cowboys and San Antonio Spurs.
38. Learn to talk slow.
39. Be nice. If you walk around with an attitude problem you will have a miserable life. If you are rude to the wait staff in the restaurant the manager might kick you out.
40. We don't wear cowboy boots and cowboy hats, not in the cities anyway. If you do people will say, 'You ain't from around here are ya?'.
41. The Alamo is in San Antonio. Know this. Never make a bad comment about anything related to the Alamo. It is important.
42. Texas is BIG. The biggest state in the United States. Don't argue about it, accept it. We all know it is true.
43. Women in Texas are BEAUTIFUL. If you don't believe me go sit in an airport in Texas then in St Louis or Indianapolis.
44. Women in Texas don't turn gray. Somehow they turn blond.
45. Get a pickup.
46. Get a dog for the back of the pickup.
47. Get a rifle rack for the window of the pickup.
48. Don't ever ask for a soda, soda-pop, or pop. It's COKE or in most cases Dr Pepper (if you're a REAL Texan). Dr Pepper was founded in Waco and in Waco is made with real sugar not corn syrup.
49. Drive courteously. Texans are still a little peeved at the invention of concrete highways, so mind your manners.
50. Do not put a Green Peace sticker on your car.
51. Do not put a Gore sticker on your car.
52. Never touch another man's hat or cap (or wife)
53. Order grits at the truckstops.
54. Never complain about the grits you ordered.
55. Never complain.
56. Get a Bass boat.
57. Get a CHL.
58. Remember: those are breakfast Tacos, not burritos.
59. Never be afraid to fill up your gas (or diesel) tank.
60. Get use to seeing drivers use their F250's to make their own exits from the "Super Slab" if the state did not think of putting one where people want to exit.
61. Don't tailgate a jacked up truck.
62. Corollary: Don't let a jacked up truck tailgate you, pull over and let him by.
63. Texas men still hold doors open for ladies and children, offer to carry packages, and any other manner of gentlemanly courtesies.
64. Big or "Texas" hair has never gone out of style.
65. Real Texans have two pair of shoes, work boots and dress boots.
66. Only in Texas are you likely to see country women bailing hay, sloppin' hogs, or any other manner of work in full evening makeup. (Most common around Dallas.)
67. If a Texan looks you dead in the eye and calls you, "Sir", with a bit of a hardness on the word, you have screwed up mightily.
68. If a Texan say, 'Hello darlin'.' or 'Mornin' darlin'.' it is a standard Texas greeting. It is not a sexist remark and he is not trying to get you to have his children.
69. Don't ever go under 60 on the interstate. And don't be suprised to see Suburbans flying past when your doing 80 yourself. (I regularly drive 90-110)
70. If you like Mexican food you won't like it in Texas. Whay you have eaten has been Americanized.
71. DO NOT TRAMPLE THROUGH THE BLUEBONNETS TO PLACE YOUR CHILD IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIELD TO TAKE A PICTURE. You are not the first one to have thought of it and if the other 4,867,533 people who thought of it did it then everyone would think that Bluebonnet were flat and grew close to the ground. This is why the Bluebonnets are watched by Tx DPS Troopers. You will be fined if you hurt the field.
72. If you hear the term, 'Git a rope!' You did not heed the warning from #6 and you are in trouble.
73. Ladies, if you hear a yelp out the window of a passing vehicle, a loud 'WOO!', that is a compliment form of 'Howdy'. Something on the order of, 'She's finer than a new set of mudders.'
74. People in Texas have guns. If you do something that you are not suppose to you might get shot over it. Get use to it, that's the way things are. If you don't like it, don't come here. Texas is the only state that you can legally use lethal force against someone to protect your property. We have had people get killed over $2 because the guy picked the wrong person to rob. It is called 'theft in the nighttime.' Lethal force is also justified to prevent 'criminal mischief in the nighttime'. TAGGERS BEWARE.
75. If you are single, the bench seat in a pickup is very short. That is why the girl in the truck sits in the middle.
76. When dinning out (particularly at a steakhous) remember that vegitables are what food eats.
77. NEVER say, "Your wife (girlfriend, daughter, etc.) sure has nice (physical attributes of any kind). Instead, if he's your *close* friend, you might get away with, "My, she shore is purty." And for God's sake, don't stare!
78. NEVER let a friend stand alone. NEVER! Odds, common sense be damned! If he's your friend, by God he's your friend. Stand by him - no matter what!
-- If you survive, you will have a friend forever - past death itself.
-- If you don't survive, well, what're friends for?
79. Duct tape and bailing wire can fix just about anything.
Now for things you don't want to say in Texas:
1. We don't keep firearms in this house.
2. You can't feed that to the dog.
3. I thought Graceland was tacky.
4. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
5. Wrasslin's fake.
6. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace and PETA?
7. We're vegetarians.
8. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
9. Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
10. Who's Richard Petty?
11. Deer heads detract from the decor.
12. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
13. Trim the fat off that steak.
14. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
15. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
17. I've got it all on a floppy disk.
18. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
19. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
20. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
21. Banana moon pies have too many fat grams.
22. Checkmate.
23. She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
24. She's too young to be wearing that
bikini.
25. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
26. I don't have a favorite college team.
27. I believe you cooked those green beans
too long.
28. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Mary Beth.
29. Elvis who?
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